Chapter 84: His Unknown Feelings
No one would do that to someone who thinks of them as their brother and he knew that he is doing a grave sin by breaking Alexandra’s trust.
Alexandra woke up that day as he tried to sneak out of the room, and he had to lie to her to get out. He wished it was an isolated, one-time incident, but to his horror, it wasn’t.
It was a tough time for him. There weren’t many people he can talk to about it. Although he got along with a lot of people, he was the closest with Alexandra. He couldn’t talk to her about it. He tried to talk to the doctor and he was no help. Some elder boys who caught him once when he was washing his clothes, told him to "seek" women that would help with this.
Women... He didn’t like the idea of getting near women; well, anyone except Alexandra.
Back then, he didn’t know that the feeling he had was love. It was a very restrained society and people, especially men, didn’t talk about their "feelings". The boys who truly loved someone didn’t openly talk about it, and the ones who talked about women were mostly fornicators.
He was not a fan of books. Had he known that there are books for everything, he would have read some and understood that the feeling he had towards Alexandra was love.
Well, who is he kidding? He wouldn’t have read books no matter what.
He didn’t understand his feelings and thought they were wrong. He didn’t want to get closer to her because of his vile thoughts fearing that he might do what he does in his dreams in reality. He was extremely confused with these unusual thoughts that he left Alexandra under the care of Lukyan, who he thought at that time was "safer" for Alexandra.
But no he wasn’t!
And as weeks turned to months, his efforts to compel those thoughts to the deepest corner of his heart was a failure. The feeling that he thought was just a little spark, started to get kindled to a fire that burned inside him, making him melt. He started to feel angry whenever she talks about him, or when he saw Alexandra talking to Luke, and at times even when she looks at him. Maybe she could sense his thoughts, she stopped talking about every single of her thoughts to him.
He was very angry those days, and thankfully war came that time and he could get distracted a lot. And she still angered him a lot those days by staring at that guy.
Thinking of it... she was open about her "love". She told him that she cannot stop staring at Luke, she doesn’t like it when he talks to other women, and that her heart flutters thinking about Luke.