Chapter 119: Another Voyage
Simon contemplated his culpability a lot of the first few days of the trip. Oh, he still played dice with the crew some, even though he knew enough about the ship to blend in without it. He also spent a little time every day trying to find the source of the plague that was bound to happen.
Mostly, though, he wondered what he could have done differently. Based on the timing of the levels, he was already fairly certain that the purpose wasn’t to stop every tragedy. Sometimes, it was, but most of the time, it seemed to be to mitigate them. He couldn’t say why Helades had chosen the places and the times she did, and he wasn’t going to waste a question asking.
That was because he already knew the answer. The answer was that this was the answer. This was the way it had to be to get to whatever destiny she’d promised that hero from her story. Beyond that, it didn’t have to make sense. That was only frustrating to him, of course. She could presumably see everything, so it made total sense to her no matter how convoluted things got.
For any normal person, though, it was hard to figure out how rescuing a couple of kids on their way to a festival so they could be chewed up and spit out by the world would lead to the correct outcome. He had no idea, but that didn’t stop him from feeling like he’d let them down.
Hell, Kaylee never should have been there. She wasn’t the first time. Before, it had been a different girl accompanying Eddek on that long, dark road. Would this level have turned out better if she’d been the one to survive? These were the sorts of questions that could drive men mad.
After all, for all he knew, those men had gotten the word of fire from her, and she’d gotten it from him. He had no way to know. Had he used it to fight the owlbear when he went through the level last time? He couldn’t recall.
That was why he gambled and drank as much as anything. Because trading raunchy jokes with a bunch of strangers blocked out the questions that resonated in his soul.
He spent some time filling the mirror in on the last level, even though he doubted he’d ever forget Kaylee’s betrayal. He was just trying to build the habit of telling it everything since he was already sure that there was much that he’d forgotten.
When he felt better he used a word of greater cure in an attempt to purge the whole ship of disease. He doubted that would be enough to unravel the mystery, but he could spare the year.