14.11 - Netflix and Chelli
11.
R.E.M. is a sports agency based in Chester, England. REMSA is its South American arm and is based in Sao Paulo, Brazil. Both branches rely heavily on Masterplanalytics, a Wales-based company that uses sophisticated algorithms in conjunction with a more old-fashioned approach to make its talent ID recommendations. As everyone involved likes to say, 'It's the eye test AND the AI test.'
REMSA keep in touch with the mothership through phone calls and video chats, but their primary means of communication is a Discord server.
***
Sunday, September 6
CHELLI
The plane is on time. I am leaving for the airport now.
RUTH
[Thumbs up emoji]
CHELLI
He's here already! No suitcase, just a backpack and a gym bag. I thought he would stay for almost two weeks. Did I understand it wrong?
RUTH
No, that's the plan. Maybe he forgot to pack. He has been in a strange mood. It's late here. I'm going to bed but tell me what happens. Good luck with it!
***
Monday, September 7
CHELLI
Max didn't sleep well. He is more tired than last night but he has a good appetite. He teases me about all the Christian things in my spare bedroom. Should I tell him my mother lives there?
RUTH
No, Milton. It will only make him feel bad. Your mother was happy to move out for a couple of weeks, wasn't she?
CHELLI
Happy is an overstatement but she enjoys to be a martyr. I will not tell him but he thinks I am a hardcore Christian. Last night he brought in his bags and saw the room. I asked if he wanted to go to a bar and he tusked and said he wouldn't take someone so devout to a 'den of iniquity'. He said he would be happy to stay in and watch Netflix together but nothing impure.
RUTH
Just how much religious stuff is in your mother's room?
CHELLI
I have a photo.
<Here.>
RUTH
Haha wow! That is hardcore. You should ask your mother to limit herself to one crucifix per wall. I'm quite sure Max knows it isn't your choice. He might think it is your girlfriend's sanctuary, or that your mother comes to visit from time to time. If he really does think it's your choice of decor, which I doubt, it is just another cross you will have to bear.
[Laughing emoji]
Sorry, Milton, I couldn't resist.
But listen, if he gets too much on your nerves, ask him if he would respect your beliefs more if you were a one-hundred-million-pound midfielder. That will shut him up. For a while, anyway.
CHELLI
I am a little bit worried. He was very introspective. He was very quiet but said a lot of big things.
RUTH
You know about his adventure in Gibraltar, the honeymoon, and he has been organising lots of other things, too. Emma told me he has been doing 'worldwide madnesses' but she can't tell me all the details, which is troubling. My take is that he is crashing after a big exertion but I promise you he is happy and doing well. He needs time and space to process what has happened recently. He is rich, healthy, and his future wife is a gem. Be understanding but do not feel sorry for him for one second.
CHELLI
Okay yes that is good to know because he was saying crazy things.
RUTH
You'd better tell me.
CHELLI
He asked if I could guess what was in his gym bag.
'Your spare clothes,' I said.
He thought that was funny. 'Nah I'm gonna buy some stuff while I'm here. I've lugged suitcases around for too long, know what I mean? If I need clothes I'll ask Tomzilla for a loan. He's quite stylish.'
Clara said, 'So what's in the bag?'
'I've brought eleven Chester kits and I'm going to find your boyfriend an entire team of new signings to look after. I'm kind of buzzing from the idea of getting eleven goalscoring wide players but the purist in me wants to collect an entire team, one to eleven. I looked into bringing a portable shirt printing machine but it proved impractical.'
I asked if he was unhappy with my efforts and he looked from me to Clara and said 'What?' It was a very tired look on his face. I asked if he was unhappy I lost a client and he got panicked and said, who, Nasa? Tomzilla? No, I said. He accused me of being weird, which is ironic given what he said next.
He said that he had sinned so it would be hard to sleep in what was, in effect, a mini-Cathedral. (Clara laughed a lot at that. She has to pretend to be more religious than she is because of my mother.)
RUTH
Sinned?
CHELLI
He said he had committed a crime against football but he had to do it because he needed millions of pounds to make good things happen. He said, 'I have become everything I despise!' and he rolled around on the living room floor until Clara told him to get up. He said okay, soz.
'Chelli,' he said, being earnest. 'Something bad might happen to me and I can't leave you hanging with three players to look after. I know you're a workaholic so you're probably bored to death most days and anyway you're my homie and you deserve better economic security. Ruth won't leave you high and dry but I have to atone. A priest told me to say eleven Hail Marys but I negotiated and said what about if I set Chelli up for life instead? We're gonna find you another eleven clients. It's not even one a day. Piece of piss.'
'Max, you helped me find more than three, remember?'
'Yeah but most are League Two guys, right? They're fine for you to get experience and you'll be a positive effect on their lives but they're not going to make you rich. You're a good person, Chelli. Much better than me. I'm going to sort you out, bro. Make you rich, fam. Generational wealth, cuz.'
RUTH
Milton, can I say that we're all very happy with you? I hope you think of me as an honest person. I would let you know if there were areas for improvement.
CHELLI
But then why has he come in the middle of the season? It must be because Caio chose a different agent. It's the only explanation.
RUTH
The explanation is just as Max said. He wants to find eleven new players for you. So what if it's the middle of the season? You have to think like Max, not like a normal person. He'll only miss one men's team match. Emma said he has barely kicked a ball since Gibraltar so I very much doubt he was ever planning to play against Shrewsbury.
If he can find two players for Chester it's a good trip from the fans' point of view. Do it like this. Wait a couple of days until he's over the jet lag and he has slept well, then mention Caio. He won't remember the boy or he will shrug the incident off. No-one scores from every shot, not even him. He's a brat and he'll roll around on your living room floor to make your girlfriend laugh but he doesn't expect you to be perfect.
CHELLI
She did laugh.
RUTH
What is the plan today?
CHELLI
We will visit Corinthians to watch Thomazella and Nasa in training. Max and I will drink coffee with Nono, the director of football, and some of the staff. It is a good opportunity for me to network. Last time we went there together I was green and Max was newly in League Two. Now I have a year of experience working for myself and have had many good conversations with the coaches. Max is in League One and won the FA Youth Cup.
RUTH
So today is about checking in, touching base with the core players and the main contacts. Sensible. I am of course looking forward to Max discovering his team of new talents but he will have plenty of time for that.
CHELLI
During this trip, I intend to have a long conversation with him about his plans for REMSA and what he expects from me and so on and so on. I will apologise for losing Caio and I will suggest that we expand our horizons as an agency. Yes, it's fantastic to have a good relation with Corinthians, but there is also Sao Paulo FC and if we are very, very desperate, Palmeiras.
RUTH
It is a sound strategy. REM is rather tied to the fortunes of Chester and it will take time for our links to other clubs to deepen. Good to get started early.
I shouldn't say this Milton but I'm bored! My clients have new deals for the season and it is very slow progress with the boot companies. They are FINALLY starting to warm up to me. The shampoo people are interested in sponsoring Angel but Jejune don't allow her to promote anything with a scent. NutriBurst are open to doing something with our clients but they really want Max and he's not interested in the slightest. Nando's don't want to pay for something they get for free anyway. Even with Chesterness, getting decent sponsors that won't make Max throw a tantrum is agonisingly slow.
Which is all to say that right now you're the best show on Netflix and I eagerly await the next episode!
CHELLI
I hope I am not cancelled after two seasons...
***
CHELLI
Max is crazy! We're going to be late to Corinthians!
RUTH
What's happening?
CHELLI
He asked for a measuring tape before breakfast and refused to say why. We thought he was maybe doing some of his British humour. Like we would spend the rest of our lives wondering what he needed the measure for. Hahaha, right?
No. It's not that. He doesn't like my mother's mattress. Says it's too soft and he can 'feel fucking springs inside it poking me like the world's worst acupressurist'. That's why we are in a bed shop that has prices like a jeweller. I am scared. Does he expect me to pay?
RUTH
No, he doesn't.
Breathe, Milton.
Call Nono and warn him Max is being Max and you might be late.
CHELLI
Okay, yes.
Vixe Maria! He bought a mattress for 12,000 BRL. What is it made from? Angel feathers?
RUTH
That's 1,600 pounds, Milton. He can afford it and he's a professional footballer. Part-time but still, he needs to sleep. My advice is when he leaves, take that mattress into your bedroom. Give your mother the one she is used to. Clara will be very happy and your mother will continue to suffer, just as she likes.
CHELLI
We're in a taxi, thank God, heading for Corinthians. There isn't much traffic. I think we will make it.
Shit.
He's asking what is the biggest telly I could fit through my front door. I told him I'm not sure. What is a telly?
RUTH
Television.
CHELLI
Oh!
This conversation just happened:
'Max, I don't want you to buy me a television.'
'Chelli, mate, last night I lay staring at the ceiling in a room that I will always call 'purgatory'. I felt as though I were wearing a crown of thorns. Metal was jabbing into my wrists and I heard a voice. A voice mighty, majestic, peaceful. It whispered, 83 inch OLED screen. Check it fits through the front door and what about those stairs? That's a tight turn.'
'The stairs? Bringing furniture up is a two-man job but it is simple enough. All you have to do is, you know, lift one end and move slowly.'
'Bosh.'
'Max, please.'
'It's not for you, Chelli. It's for me. I can't afford to develop myopia at this vital stage of my career, and how am I supposed to enjoy Emily in Paris when the text is so small and the colours are so washed out? Buying you a telly is cheaper than staying in a hotel, isn't it? It's thrifty, if you think about it.'
RUTH
Just checking. Last night you boys were wondering what to watch and you landed on Emily in Paris?
CHELLI
It isn't just me, remember.
When I logged into Netflix Max said, 'What are you doing? Clara doesn't want to watch your content. What the heck?'
I had to log out and give what Max calls 'the buttons' to Clara. She got to choose the show but when the Emily thumbnail came up Max got excited. 'Oh! Does that text mean Watch It Again?' It did. 'Clara! Can we watch it please, Clara? Can we?'
Clara said, 'Why do you want to?'
'My girlfriend oh shit my fiancée wrote the start of a book and I think it was a little bit inspired by this. And my best friend is French and he watched it when he got homesick but I never had the time to dive into it but now's perfect. I mean, if you agree.'
'I don't mind. I can do my studies while we watch. It's that kind of show.'
'Doesn't need a lot of brainpower?'
'No. But it is charming and everyone's attractive.'
'Doesn't take a lot of work, it's charming, everyone's attractive. It sounds like managing Chester in League One.'
Clara laughed and said, 'Emily is in a long-distance relationship, the same as you.'
'Emma and I just spent like three months together almost non-stop.'
'I meant you and your football club.'
'Bosh. You're operating at a much higher level than me right now, Clara. What are you studying?'
'Law. I want to help Chelli with contracts.'
'Oh?' said Max, with a smile. 'Don't you already scan social media to check our players aren't being stupid? You know what that means, right? You're the Emma of this relationship! Um... unrelated question. How old's that mattress in there?'
Yes, so maybe that was a clue.
RUTH
You can't see it but I'm grinning. I think you're going to have fun, Milton.
***
CHELLI
Okay that was a long day.
We were on time for Corinthians. Max watched the training session with Nono and a couple of people from the club. Max is happy with the progress of Thomazella and Nasa. He muttered something like '40 points in a year' but he wouldn't explain. He did say that the improvement was very similar to Toquinho and it was very interesting to him. He acted like all three had improved by the same amount, as though he could see their progress down to the last centimetre.
He said, 'All three are determined. They're never late or anything, right? Good pros, the three of them. Nasa most of all, I guess. What about playing time? Tockers is younger and he's getting first team minutes. It's only Wales, okay, but he's doing sessions at Bumpers and Well In's a ledge. Compare that with this pair. The facilities here are miles better, the coaches are very good, but they're not getting minutes.'
'They're playing matches for the reserves and in training games against the first team,' said Nono.
I said, 'And you've given them many private training sessions. More than Tockers. He had to move to Wales, too. That was a disruption. It was bound to slow him down.'
Max shook his head. 'There are so many factors. How can I do science? I'm not sure what it all means. I'll tell you what, Nono, it means I'm going to give you first refusal on all the players I find.'
'What is first refusal?' said Nono.
'I ask you first and if you say no I try someone else. But trust me, I'm not coming here with guys you want going to Palmeiras and, er, Chelli, what's the other one?'
He and Nono know I'm a massive Tricolour fan and they like to tease me. 'São Paulo, Max. Remember we did the stadium tour and you wept and beat your chest claiming you wouldn't want to play for any other so-called Paulista?'
It's funny but the more passionately I defend the Tricolour, the more the men from Corinthians like me. Nono put his arm around me and we went to drink coffee all together.
RUTH
Boys.
What else? Did you find a player?
CHELLI
No but Max asked Nono if he wanted to sell anyone for half a million pounds. Nono said yes and named a player.
'Max, don't!' I said, urgently. 'He's a prick!'
'Yes,' said Nono. 'Why do you think I want to get rid of him?' Again they laughed and again I felt closer to everyone. Nono had a surprising offer. 'Max, if you are willing to negotiate regarding Nasa and Thomazella, let's talk.'
'Sell them?'
'It would be a very good deal for your football club, no? You send them to me, let me do all the hard work, I give you a tidy sum.'
'I don't think you realise how good they're going to be. Maybe I would talk about Nasa... Nah. He's rock solid. I can't complain about being short at right back and then sell an amazing one for pennies on the dollar. No, sorry, mate. Those two are locked in until next season when I get four ESC slots.'
'You know,' said Nono, leaning back. 'Soon after they came I asked my top six scouts to watch them in our practice matches and file reports. Six times two reports came back almost word for word. This player is not good enough to play for Corinthians. A few months later I sent them again. Three sets of reports were no. Three sets were yes. One scout came rushing to my office to ask where I had found Thomazella. He forgot he had seen him before, thought he was brand new. If you do sell, please give us, ah, first refusal.'
'Absolutely fair,' said Max, as he went to top up his glass of water. As he went, he rested his hand on Nono's shoulder. 'Sack the three doubters; they're shit.'
Nono smiled at Max's confidence but then came some very unwelcome news. Nono spoke to me in Portuguese. 'Chelli, just so you know. Your old agency, Fútbol Focus, they have been briefing against you. They are trying to spread dirt. They do not like that you struck out for yourself and are doing well.'
'I am doing well?' I said, surprised.
'You have not crashed and burned as they predicted. You have not come crawling back. So they are trying to kick the stool out from beneath your legs. We have not known each other for long but I consider you a respectable and reliable man so I think it is right to let you know what is happening and assure you it will not affect your standing with Corinthians.'
His colleagues nodded along. I said, 'It makes me miserable and ashamed to hear it. I was going to tell Max we should deepen our contacts with the other clubs so that we would not be so reliant on you.'
Nono seemed unaffected. 'Of course you must develop relationships with the other clubs. That is not a betrayal. This guy,' he said, turning to his colleagues and smiling. 'You are too good for this world, my friend. Bring them players with my blessing!' He smiled as attractively as a demon. 'But bring us the best. Hahaha!'
'Oh my God,' I said. 'Are these rumours the reason Caio chose a different agent?'
'I doubt it,' said Nono.
'What's going on?' said Max, who had just returned.
'Chelli was talking about a player called Caio,' said Nono.
'Caio? That little shit who went with a different agency? Fuck him. Don't waste a single breath on the moron. He was borderline anyway. Low Decisions. I mean, duh. Enjoy oblivion, you clown.'
My relief was incredible! 'Nono says we can place players to the other Sampa clubs but we should bring him the best ones.'
'Well, yeah.' He yawned, holding up his hand in apology. 'I'm not only going to be scouring the streets. There are a few league matches we're going to. Are there any holes in your squad you need plugged?'
Nono thought about it. 'You're going to suggest players from Serie C? By the time they're ready, our needs will have changed. I'd be interested to hear your recommendations regardless of position.'
'I'll see what comes up,' said Max.
RUTH
You mustn't worry about these people bad-mouthing you. If you have good players, clubs will want to deal with you.
CHELLI
I hope so.
Max was sleepy but he had enough energy to make me take him to an electronics shop. He bought a big TV and we rode in the shop’s van to pick up the mattress and brought both up to my apartment. Max went in the front of the van on the good seats because he said the back would be bad for his hamstrings.
RUTH
It's all bullshit, Milton! Stand up for yourself!
CHELLI
I know but when he says it, it sounds right!
The men installed the TV and took the other one away. Max was excited to see if Clara would notice the difference.
RUTH
The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.
Even I would notice if John replaced this one - I'm guessing it's 40 inches - with one twice the size!
CHELLI
I persuaded Max the one he wanted was too big for the room so this one is only a little bigger than the one we had. Clara didn't notice when the TV was off but once we started watching Netflix she said 'what the fuck is this' in Portuguese.
RUTH
Are you in trouble?
CHELLI
Haha no. The picture quality is amazing and Max said that it was from Corinthians. So instead of feeling bad that Max is giving us gifts - she doesn't know about the mattress yet - she's worried about the ethics of accepting them from clients.
Max is saying it was a gift to HIM and he'll take it with him when he leaves. Now she's quiet and I think she's upset that he wants to take the telly.
RUTH
Tell him to stop messing with her.
CHELLI
Oh, dear. Hang on.
I was trying to move to a safe topic and I said it was good that Christian Fierce got a new contract. That seems to have depressed him somehow. Do you know about it? Oh, he's talking.
'Gave him another grand. He'd love to stay but he needs to go. His next deal could be seven K a week, right? Two years of that and if he does well enough, another couple of years. One point five million in the four years after your thirtieth birthday. It's something like thirty years of what he was getting before, do you know what I mean? You can't be sentimental about it. You've got to go and get paid. Anything could happen this year. I could get squashed. I love my staff but if I get squashed, no-one's getting a seven K contract anytime soon. Okay, Youngster and Wibbers but no-one else. I need to make sure everyone gets set up for life. That's why it's a curse, yeah? We're all dancing on the head of a pin and if we fall off, no-one's going to catch us.'
RUTH
What the fuck?
CHELLI
Clara is asking him to explain. He says he can't. She's probing.
So it seems that he has given new contracts to everyone except Youngster and Max was proud of himself because the budget is so puny but everyone is more or less happy and he feels like he did something impossible. I know the situation fairly well and told him that all he's doing is setting up timebombs for January because how is he going to bring in new players when he's at the limit of his budget already? He waved that away saying 'plot armour'. I said yes but the timebombs will be even bigger next season when everyone wants extra salary to compensate for having less.
He's rubbing his temples. 'I've done all I can for now. It makes me queasy to think that I've turned their loyalty and dedication into a good deal for the football club. How can I make sure they get their rewards? Everyone, fairly?'
Oh, fuck.
The only thing to do, he's saying, is to sell the entire squad next summer.
RUTH
Is he drunk?
CHELLI
No. We offered him a beer but he says he's on a mission.
Clara said, 'What mission?'
'Getting to the top of the Premier League. In the next couple of months I have to chip in to make sure we get results,' he said. 'But around a few key fixtures I have the opportunity to go on scouting trips like this. I need to find super talents that the rest of the world hasn't noticed yet. There are plenty of those but it takes time to go and find them. I can't imagine that I will ever have this kind of time again. The next level of English football, the Championship, is intense. It's crazy. It's probably the most fun league in the world but it's also the most hectic. I won't be able to go wandering so this is my last chance to find hidden gems I can get for free or cheap. If I can find, like, five players with the talent to play for a Premier League contender, everything slots into place.'
'Why don't you just buy them when you get to the Premier League?' Clara again.
'We have the lowest budget in League One. Imagine when we're in the Prem! We can't compete on finances, and by then surely everyone will have realised that when I want a player it means he's a player. Do you know what I mean? I have to find players like Youngster who no-one has ever looked at, or players like... Huh. Don't know why but my mind jumped to Peter Bauer. He's the opposite of Youngster, isn't he? He's famous. I think I'm really tired. I'll go to bed soon.'
'Sorry, Mr. Max, but what's the mission?'
'It's a lot of things but mostly it's about winning the most matches possible with the most style possible. And it's about climbing as high as poss because every step we take now kicks some heartless bastard one step lower. It's thingy. Mercantilism. One in, one out. If we get to the Prem, some absolute bastard is out. But it's about hope and flair and little kids going to matches with their dads and seeing something they can't see in their playgrounds or in their video games. It's not about shady backroom deals. But that's the insidious thing, isn't it? That's why it's a curse. Because those deals pay for stadiums and pay for dribbly wingers.' He lay on the floor again and smiled. Clara didn't tell him to get up because he looked so at peace. 'I want to play 4-2-4 and let my dribbly wingers run riot. Regens of George Best and Stanley Matthews. Tactics? What's that? Just give them the ball and let them have at it. That's the mission, Clara. Let the dreamweavers weave dreams. Fix the world one nutmeg at a time.'
I think he had a microsleep but I didn't realise because I was already asking my question. 'What about Thomazella?'
'He's amazing. He can be part of it.'
'What about Nasa?'
Some of Max's mood left the room. 'Yeah, he's good.'
I looked at Clara. I had already told her my worries. Max doesn't like Nasa. Max jokes that I'm too religious but even if I were, it would be okay because I don't base my entire personality around it. Nasa is quite intense and he isn't someone who laughs or enjoys his life and that bothers Max. ‘He could at least do a goofy smile,’ he once said.
It was too late to try to talk sense into him. I got up and held my hand out, like a player picking his mate up after a foul. 'Come on, boss.'
I took him to his room. He made a happy little noise as he crashed onto the new bed.
He is snoring very loudly.
***
Tuesday, September 8
CHELLI
We're home! What a day!
Max is making Clara watch Sunderland Til I Die. She doesn't want to but he said there's a part that always confused him but now that he can watch it in super high definition it might make sense. Clara is so so smart but she fell for it! I had to smile and of course she was soon enjoying the show. Those Sunderland fans are like the ones here. Passionate and crazy. She needed the subtitles.
RUTH
So he slept well. What did you do today?
CHELLI
We went to the training ground of Palmeiras and talked to their people. Max was very charming and we had a quick meeting about what REMSA offer in conjunction with Masterplanalytics. I went through some of the clients of REM and showed their progress. The star is William Roberts and being able to finish by showing his goal in the Conference League is very useful. This is a player Max found in tier six, I say, and now look. That goal was worth four million Euro.
They were very attentive and agreed to give trials to players we identify.
'A trial is fine,' said Max. 'But most of the players I bring are likely to be terrible on day one. You need to take a leap of faith. I know it's a stressful environment and these big clubs can be political. You could get fired if you sign someone hopeless. But it's not going to be good for your career if you look at the next William Roberts, pass, and he becomes a legend for Corinthians.'
At lunch I asked if he planned to always play the three big clubs against each other. 'Three big clubs?' he said, frowning. 'Palmeiras, Corinthians... Did you say three?'
He's very annoying!
RUTH
Haha! Well, it sounds like a good day of networking.
CHELLI
That was just until lunch. Then we got on the scooter and zoomed around from pitch to pitch like bees going to flowers. When I thought we were finished he made me drink a coffee and said there, there, quickly!
We zoomed to a court in a trouble area where a few teenagers were playing. Max watched with his hood pulled over his face. All I could see were his eyes darting around. Suddenly he pulled the hood back and yelled, 'Oh will you pass the ball you fucking arsehole?'
The game stopped and my life got a whole lot more dangerous. No wonder he keeps talking about something bad happening to him! The boys were not the sort you stop in the street to talk about the stock market. A few came closer. One said, 'What did you say?'
Of course, I had to translate and the boys were thinking, shoot the messenger.
Max said, 'Gather round!' Well, that's what they did. I was looking for help, hoping to see a superhero passing by. 'Okay, kids, I've got amazing news. Chelli what are you looking at? Tell them what I'm saying.'
'I don't want to.'
'Hurry before they turn. I've got them eating out of my hand but that could change.'
I began translating.
Max continued. 'I see you are playing football. I've just flown here from England and there is an incredible new technology, a whole new way of understanding the sport. It's bewildering and disorientating but it's actually incredibly effective.' I have to say at this point the kids were rapt. 'It is all based around a controversial new method of playing. Some say it came from Scotland, but some Scots say there is a billion-year-old dinosaur in a lake there, which was sighted twice a year until the very moment people started carrying portable cameras everywhere they went, so I’m not sure how much I trust those guys.'
'Max,' I said, nervously.
'What's this technology?' said one of the teens.
'Oh!' said Max, excited. He pushed himself into the middle of the lads and slapped the ball out of the carrier's hands. He pointed. 'You stand there. I'll go over here. Now what your boy Breno does is this.' Max did all sorts of stupid things, wiggling his feet over the ball, stepovers, wiggling his hips. Anything apart from touching the ball! This demonstration had all the boys laughing their heads off - all but one. 'Yeah and I think I saw one of these.' Max did a move where he appeared to surf over the ball one foot at a time, arms waving, before turning and surfing back the other way. If I had seen it on TikTok I would have watched it twenty times to understand what I had witnessed. A couple of the boys got wide eyes, like 'what'.
'Do that again,' said Breno, the only boy who hadn't laughed.
But Max was still going. 'The creative ways you lot have discovered to play football without actually playing any football is remarkable. I honestly think you should be in an art gallery.'
'What's the new technology?' said the very persistent kid.
'Oh!' said Max, excited. He pranced around. 'It's amazing. They call it 'the pass'. What you do - hang on, let me see if I remember this right - is you sort of, ah, propel the ball away from yourself. It's something like this.' Max passed the ball to the boy he had positioned. 'Ah, that felt wrong,' he complained. 'Now I don't have the ball. That's wrong, isn't it? How am I supposed to feel big and important if I don't have the ball?' He shook his head a few times. 'You know what, though? They say it's actually very effective. You can sort of move the ball towards the other end and then, like, score goals and win. I know it's crazy because the real point of the sport is for Breno to show that he's the best dancer in Sampa.'
That came with an explosion of laughs, and even Breno smiled a little. 'You're saying I should pass more.'
'Why would I give a shit? I'm just a world-famous scout who's in Sampa looking for players to recommend to the two big clubs.' He looked at me and laughed. 'The three big clubs. I'm joking, Chelli!' He hugged me, then looked back. 'The fuck are you waiting for? Show me you fucks understand what sport it is you're playing.'
I didn't translate word for word.
RUTH
Ha I hope not!
CHELLI
The boys played again and it was much better. They were trying to impress him. Max called out encouragement and even when they did things wrong he shouted praise if they tried to do it right. For some time I wasn't sure who he was interested in but obviously it was Breno. After five minutes, Max drifted around the playing area, following him, shouting 'yes!' or 'hold' or 'it's okay to come back!' One time he yelled 'are you a human being or a human me-ing' but how am I supposed to translate that?
Then: 'All right, Breno. Get over here.' And it was my job to find out some details. He is 14 and has never been scouted by a big club as far as he can tell. His friends assured me it was because he was shit. That made Max laugh a lot and he dished out high fives like they were going out of fashion. I asked a lot of questions about Breno, his studies, his family but I took too long and Max got restless. 'Who does he want to play for? Corinthians?'
Breno said, 'Tricolour!'
'Yes!' I said. 'Great choice!'
'Hang on,' said Max. 'We promised Nono we'd give him the best ones.'
I couldn't tell if he was joking. I explained what was happening. Breno said, 'If you make me wear a Corinthians shirt, know that I will wear the Tricolour beneath.'
Again, Max loved it. 'This is a gift from England,' he said, producing a blue-and-white Chester FC home kit. 'I want you to have it. If you wear it while playing, make sure you play the Chester way. Teamwork makes the dream work.'
'It's too big!' said one of the others.
'I'll grow into it!' snapped Breno, and boy did Max like that.
'Chelli's gonna talk to your parents and set something up for you. Seeya.'
'Wait!' cried Breno. 'Do that surfing thing again!'
'Nah,' said Max, taking the helmet from the handlebars. 'That ain't football.'
RUTH
Yes yes yes!
Do we know what position he is?
CHELLI
He's a left-footed central midfielder who can play left midfield. Max says he could be a low-end Premier League player - if he gets the right coaching.
RUTH
Useful. What's tomorrow?
CHELLI
The Soberano. The Campeão de Tudo.
RUTH
Well, good luck with that and I hope it isn't too painful.
CHELLI
Haha. We're going to São Paulo FC. My team. I hope he behaves correctly.
***
Wednesday, September 9
CHELLI
He behaved correctly!
RUTH
Never mind that. What are you watching?
CHELLI
Sunderland. Clara loves it. Max has watched it a hundred times but he is never bored. It is so nice to simply spend time together.
This morning was very good. We watched the Tricolour train. Max told them about Breno but said it was okay if they didn't want to take him because Nono wanted every player Max recommended. That got them ten times more interested; they want to look at Breno.
Just as we were talking about it, Max's phone vibrated. He looked at his screen and jumped around punching the air. He showed it to us.
TEEN SENSATION CALLED INTO WELSH SQUAD
Roddy Jones had been called up to the Welsh senior national team. He is 15, isn't he? Did you know about it? Has he even played a minute for the Chester first team? It is absolutely loco. Max told the director of sport from São Paulo: This is what I do. These are the levels. His eyes were on fire. He was so hyped he walked off and came back. 'Breno is greedy on the ball. He needs a tough coach. Have you got the right one?'
Super loco. You don't talk to these people like this. You try to place your client! The DOS got riled up. Testosterone everywhere! 'We have the best youth coaches in Sampa.'
'Oh? You won one of the last seven Little Cups.' That's like the FA Youth Cup for Sao Paulo. 'Corinthians have the most titles. Palmeiras have the most wins in recent years.'
'We have the most players going into the first team!'
'Yes!' said Max, jabbing his finger aggressively. 'I fucking love that answer! Yes, mate, come on!'
They walked off together, best friends, like it was the end of Casablanca. I looked around and realised I was alone and scurried after them.
RUTH
Try to keep up, Milton. Lol.
CHELLI
Later we zoomed around on the scooter. We found a talented striker who already had a club and an agent, and a girl who Max told me to send to Corinthians as a favour. Some players didn’t want to talk to us but that was very rare. Who doesn’t want to be scouted?
We had a break with a drink by the side of the road. I remember he used to complain about the grime but he doesn't now.
'Max. Did you do something to get Roddy Jones into the Welsh squad?'
'What?' he said, innocently. 'How would I do that?'
'I don't know. It just seems extraordinary.'
'All I know is that things are accelerating. I'm lining everything up so it can go faster and keep going for a few years even if I'm out of the picture. It's obvious that training with the national team will help Roddy develop. I might have made a suggestion to that effect at a party but you never know who's listening. It’s not my fault if some absolute madman took me up on it.'
'Why do you keep talking about being squashed and being out of the picture? Are you ill?'
'I got murdered, remember? The world is full of crazy people. Some of them don't like me. It's just common sense to plan for the worst, isn't it?'
'Why haven't you played for Chester?'
'Can't really explain it but I'm being petulant. Hah. There's someone who doesn't... Yeah it's true that I need to scout and build up REMSA and find the players who can take me into the future but it's also like... In not managing or playing very much I am also saying, be careful, bro. Two can play at the punishment game. It's a very gentle fuck you to a certain… organisation.'
I slapped my head. 'UEFA, of course.'
Max smiled in a way that showed I had cracked his code. 'Come on! Let's find you some more top talents. It's a shame they're all young but I suppose it makes sense.'
We found two players he liked. A sixteen-year-old defender and a thirteen-year-old goalie. Neither had ever done anything to interest a big club. Both got the same-sized Chester FC shirt while I called their parents, followed by Nono.
Progress! Acceleration! Even better for me than Max, I think, because I see what being picked up by REMSA has meant to Nasa and Thomazella. I get to witness those journeys up close.
Max told me he was in scouting heaven. I asked what he meant.
'Any time, night or day, you always find a match. Always find people playing. You could go to a street corner and follow the thumps of the ball. It's not even too hot at this time of year. What was it today? 22 degrees? Nice English summer's day. Sandwiches and ham by a stream. Pesky wasps. Pretty girls reading books in the park while old people walk their dogs and bump into their friends.'
'It sounds like you miss home.'
He didn't say anything until we got back to my apartment.
When I was able to sit down and read the whole article, it said that in addition to the senior team's surprise selection of Roddy Jones, the Welsh under-21 team had called up four very young players from Saltney Town.
I accused him. 'This is proof that you are making them fast-track your players!'
'No, it isn't.'
'It is! How have you done this?'
He got a slightly evil look about him, the same one I had seen from Nono. Max leaned towards me and growled, 'This is just the beginning.'
I got full-body goose skin.
It lasted until his face went back to normal and he said, 'Nah that was terrible, let me go again.' He inhaled, eyed me, and intoned, 'This is just the beginning. Shit, it was better the first time, wasn't it?'
***
Friday, September 11
CHELLI
Two more productive days! Another goalkeeper, a left back, and a twenty-year-old winger we found at the university. Nono wasn't very interested in signing such an old player but Max talked to him in private and the boy will get a chance. REMSA will pay for lots of extra training but I don't know what else Max promised.
Max is pleased with the levels we are finding. Couple of Championship ones and another for the Prem. He says I'm hurtling towards 'Gemma money'.
As with every day so far, we finished with what Max calls 'Netflix and Chelli', which is Clara's new favourite phrase in the world.
From my spot on the sofa, I asked what Max expects from me and he got introspective again.
'I want you to be good and only good. I think sometimes I have to go grey mode. How can I compete with oil states if I'm not willing to get my hands dirty?' He sighed heavily.
'I'm sorry, Max, but I don't know what you mean. What's an example?'
'I think what I want from you is to one hundred percent put the client first. Take my boy Ziggy. He was my first client and my first steps into the world of football. He has been paying me ten percent ever since his first wages but that's ludicrous now, isn't it? I don't need the money but he's so determined to pay his way. That’s why he made it and why Nasa will make it and why I don’t care about that kid you keep bringing up.
'Before I came here I went to Ziggy’s house in Manchester and knocked on the door. I want my money, Ziggy! Where's my money! Haha not really. He'd been piling it up in this little lockbox. Ziggy, mate, what are you doing? I said. Putting it all conveniently into this little box just makes it easier to steal. It'd be better to spread the cash all around the floor. At least then the burglar would have to spend a few minutes picking it up. They might wreck their back along the way.
'Anyway, I brought all the cash he'd given me since I got my first really good contract, you know? Kept the money I earned from the early days but gave the rest back to him. Said I'd still rep him in deals if he wanted but I couldn't take his money. Then I took him to the bank and we deposited it.'
'That's nice of you.'
'I mean, maybe. He's not like Angel or Wibbers where the agent is always doing work. He's not like Nasa where you've been looking after his training and making sure his club are motivated to keep him. I literally haven't done anything for years except get him an extension. Like, who doesn’t want to keep a guy banging 15 goals a season? I’m not earning my fee and now I don't need that money, so...
'But it's not really about that. It's, like, I've wanted to do this for a while but it's about knowing Ziggers well enough to know he won't let me give the money back in normal circumstances but after I've just won a huge bonus in Gib, he will. It's like this is part of the wedding celebration in a mad way. He'll accept that. And taking him to the bank because he seems the sort to keep cash under the mattress. Ha! Like your mum.
'I think it's a roundabout way of saying know your client and do the best you can because that's how you get the most satisfaction out of life. I don't know, those are the times I have the least anxiety. I think I just want you to be you. I make things complicated and regret it; you keep things simple. ABC. Always be Chellin'.'
***
Saturday, September 12
RUTH
Sorry I didn't reply, Milton! It was really interesting and entertaining and I could just picture all the scenes! I finally made some little progress on my own projects but I'm caught up now.
So it's going well, I think?
CHELLI
Yes! We watched training at the big clubs and went to a lot of street games. And we watched a lot of television together. It has been very nice for me.
We're going to try to squeeze in two high-level matches today. Tomorrow morning we're going to Nasa's house after church. Thomazella and his parents will be there, too. Max isn't really looking forward to it but he knows how important it will be. Anyway, a very full couple of days. I think I'll be too busy to write everything down!
RUTH
No problem. Enjoy it.
***
CHELLI
Não acredito! Expect the unexpected!
I'm in the Arena Corinthians in the directors box with Nono and his friends. In a few hours, they will play Botafogo but for now they're all watching Chester FC at Shrewsbury. How do you pronounce it? Shroos or Shrows? Max says it different every time. He is explaining what his team is trying to do and what is stopping them. Nono got him a tactics board and a flipchart and Max is talking up a storm. It's fascinating to listen to him talk about the game. He sees everything and can tell the mood of the players from how they run! At least, he says he can.
RUTH
He can.
CHELLI
He says he's happy to explain what he's seeing but Chester are ten percent better than Shrewsbury and the only challenge for Sandra Lane is to remember to say the word Shrewsbury different every time in the post-match interviews, as per some bet she lost.
Shrewsbury do a very aggressive 3-4-3 so Sandra has picked a big team. Max calls them his 'beefy boys'. Sticky, Cole Adams, Andrew Harrison instead of Pascal, and Gabriel instead of Colin Beckton. It helps us that there's a Brazilian on the pitch! Max keeps talking about wishing he had more Spanish speakers to help him integrate. That is confusing everyone here.
RUTH
Oh, Max. He tries his best but the outside world remains a foreign country.
CHELLI
The main thing Max is worrying about now is Matt Rush at right back. He is incredible as an attacking player but is still learning to defend. There is a big discussion about balance. Nono is very knowledgeable and so is his staff.
The match is terrible.
I learned a new word. Attritional.
RUTH
Ha! I'm not watching but I can imagine. Shrewsbury's manager is awful.
You know, Max presents an interesting conundrum at times. He talks about dreams and beauty but he's quite happy to meet opponents down in the trenches. Axes at dawn.
CHELLI
I just read that message out in Portuguese. Lots of approval. You might see a few 'axes at dawn' tattoos when you come to visit.
Big header from a corner. Christian Fierce going loco in front of the away fans. Earning that money!
Gabby scored! His first goal for Chester. Haha! He ran to Sandra with an invisible ring. She turned him down so he tried Peter. He said, 'well I suppose'. Haha! Yellow card though.
That was a nice goal from Green. Corner came to nothing, ball was kept alive, he was on his toes to stab it between two defenders.
Goal for Shrows. Matt Rush has been dangerous but that was his fault. Big discussion about balance again!
Three-one final score. Chester up to third. Only two teams get automatic promotion, right?
RUTH
That's right. Third is the first playoff spot but if that was the final position it would be Chester's highest ever.
I hope Max is in a good mood because today of all days he deserves to be happy.
CHELLI
I think he's just okay. Not happy, not sad. Maybe after he has spent time with Nasa and his mother he'll feel better!
***
Sunday, September 13
CHELLI
Emergency! Are you there?
RUTH
Yes, what's up? Call me.
CHELLI
I can't! It's chaos in here; you'll never hear me. I have to use text. Shit shit shit.
RUTH
What happened?
CHELLI
We are at Nasa's house. Nasa is here, of course, and his mum. Thomazella and his parents. Shit.
RUTH
Count to five. Type.
CHELLI
The idea was simple. We meet, break bread together, assure everyone that the players are in Max's thoughts. Best case: Max is charming and tells some funny stories, but not too funny because Nasa and his mother won't like it.
RUTH
Those lads got a pay rise recently. Doesn't that count as being in Max's thoughts?
CHELLI
The human touch goes a long way, especially if your employer lives across an endless ocean and is often portrayed as a crazy person.
I would say Max behaved okay at first but you saw my mother's room. Nasa's whole house is like that and I could tell Max was getting suffocated by it. He could barely look up and I don't think he liked Nasa's mother's cooking and when he made jokes, Thom and his parents laughed but not his hosts. I think it was a kind of prison for him.
RUTH
I'm starting to get really stressed. What did he do?
CHELLI
I saw that he kept glancing towards the front door like 'how can I get out of here' but he really tried to be good. Honestly, he really tried.
Suddenly he shot to his feet. 'I've got an idea!' he said.
'Yes?' I said, because I was the one who had to translate. Thomazella has been learning English but Nasa finds it very hard.
'Okay,' said Max, full of manic energy. 'What it is, right, is that people in Chester aren't sure why they're paying money to a couple of Brazilian lads. I said hey bro they're mint sauce squared you just have to wait a while, trust me, and mostly they believe me but still, it's a fan-owned club and I'm spending their money. How about we film a quick little social media thing? I'll talk to the lads about how their lives have changed since Chester FC got involved in their, er... lives.'
The last sentence wasn't good but the idea was, and Nasa and Thomazella were all too happy to gush on social media about how amazing it was and how much they were grateful to Max.
'How much they are grateful to Chester,' said Max. 'It's the money from our fans, not me.'
'Yes yes yes wonderful,' said Nasa's mother. She was absolutely all for this idea and insisted Nasa go first.
I saw Max calculate like 'yeah let's get this out of the way then we'll do the fun one.'
Thomazella helped by filming at the same time as me. We would be able to splice the footage together and put subtitles on and so on. When we started filming, Max was fine. He gave the basics of where he found Nasa playing, said that he was happy at how hard he had been working in the last year, and suddenly he had two kits in his hand. One blue, one pink, and both said NASA 2.
'I don't know what squad number you'll have when you come over but you're a right back so, you know.'
Nasa listened to my translation, took the shirts, and his face crumpled a little bit. His mother gave him a big cuddle from behind and he said, 'Mamãe, no, we're recording!'
As though it wasn't a golden moment that social media managers would kill for.
Pure magic but it didn't seem to affect Max much. He looked at me. 'Are we good to continue or...?'
'Carry on.'
'Right. So, Nasa, is there anything you'd like to say to the people of Chester?'
Big gulps. Lots of emotion.
What am I doing? I can send you the video.
One moment.
Chelli is sending you a file.
RUTH
My God, it's so slow. Is Max alive?
CHELLI
Yes. FYI, We're on our way back to my apartment now. 20 minutes.
RUTH
Okay, it's done. Let's check this out.
***
The video is just as Chelli described. Nasa's movements are stiff and awkward but his reactions are genuine. His mother's face is lined and worn; it would be rude to describe her as a holy prune so don't do that. Seasoned Max-watchers would think him cold in the video, aloof. They would well suspect he finds it hard to connect to Nasa.
MAX
Right. So, Nasa, is there anything you'd like to say to the people of Chester?
NASA
[Visibly moved, he swallows hard before nodding.]
[He speaks in Portuguese.]
[Max looks to Chelli.]
CHELLI
He says it has been amazing, his life is transformed, God is good, God is great.
[Max is working hard to keep his face blank.]
He loves to play football every day. To train, to have a goal.
MAX
What's his goal?
CHELLI
To make it into the first team of a big club. To repay your faith in him.
MAX
Good goal. You'll do it, mate. Keep on truckin'.
CHELLI
I don't know how to translate that. What does it mean? Oh, wait.
NASA
[Speaks.]
CHELLI
He wants to thank the people of Chester for the opportunity because he was able to buy a microwave.
MAX
I'm sorry, what?
NASA
[In English.] Come, come.
[The camera follows them a very short distance into the kitchen. Nasa proudly puts his hand on a silver and grey microwave.]
MAX
[Opening and closing the door.]
Good click on that. Listen? Click clunk. Clunk clink. Love that. Buttons? I prefer a knob. Hurr. Thaw setting. Wish we could use that on me and Nasa, eh? So, ah, what's this all about, Chelli? I know money's tight but one of these is like fifty quid, right?
CHELLI
Since his father died I think money is, as you say, very tight. Microwaves are good because they're quick and these areas get power outages. Let me check.
[He speaks to Nasa.]
Oh. There's another reason. It was a wedding gift.
MAX
I'm super confused.
NASA
Come, come.
[They move again, back into the living room. Nasa takes a photo down from the wall. It shows a man and woman on their wedding day. They are holding up a microwave and laughing.]
NASA, VIA CHELLI
My parents on their wedding day. The microwave was a gift. The day he died, so did the microwave. We never had enough money to replace it but only to survive, to eat, to have a roof over our heads, to pray for a better day to come. Thanks to Max, I was able to live my dream and to take care of my mother like a grown man.
[He stops abruptly. There is a quick moment of chaos as Nasa's mother barges past the camera and wraps her arms around Max.]
[Max is sobbing uncontrollably.]
[Thomazella's mother grabs his phone and points it down. 'No', she says.]
***
CHELLI
What was that all about? What do I do?
RUTH
It's because Nasa has been toiling for a year and he has done it for his mother, same as Max, and Max has seen for himself that he is helping mums everywhere.
Where are you now?
CHELLI
At my apartment. He's in his room with the door closed.
RUTH
Do you have Nando's there?
CHELLI
I just checked. The nearest one is in Zambia.
RUTH
Leave him alone for a while. What time is it? If it's before 5 pm, he'll take a cup of tea. I can get Emma to call you and talk you through the steps.
CHELLI
It's okay, I have the instructions saved. Ruth, I don't know what to do. I don't have the competency for this.
RUTH
You do. You're a man. Put Aston Villa versus Chelsea on your TV and the siren sounds of the whistle and the crowd will draw him out. Say something like 'would you rather fight one huge shark or a hundred tiny ones?' Give him a cold beer. Tell him he's allowed one.
CHELLI
Okay. Yes, I can do that.
***
CHELLI
Oh my God, it worked! He came out and we watched the first half. He didn't take the beer but he's all right. He was quiet. Biting his nail. Clara came home not long ago. She hates nailbiting but she didn't say anything because he's our guest.
Oh. Wow.
RUTH
What?
CHELLI
Clara doesn't know about today. She said, 'Did you have any luck finding a couple of players to bring to England?'
He said, 'Yeah.'
'Oh, good. So will you be leaving early?'
'No chance. I've got half a bag of kits to give away. I'll be scouting players until five seconds before I get on that plane. Am I getting on your nerves? I can go to a hotel if you want.'
'You are not getting on my nerves, even when you bite your nail.'
He jerked his hand away. 'I'm not sure I even did that before I became a football manager.' He stretched out his fingers and nodded. 'Steady. That means I'm happy with my decision.'
I said, 'What decision? Which two players do you want?'
'I'm bringing Nasa and Tomzilla.'
I couldn't believe it. 'You said you wanted ready-made players. Ones who could go right into the team. You said Nasa and Thomazella are a year away from being ready. They will block up your work permit slots. Will they even play enough to get a renewal? You'll have to increase their salaries and you don't have the budget. It's not logical. Nothing about this is logical!'
'I know.' He stretched his fingers out again and stared at them - steady as a rock. 'I know but what am I doing? I want a right back with determination and Chesterness who can come with us to the Prem... and I've already got one! Got an even better centre back. It was a gut punch earlier today, suckered me. Came out of nowhere, defences were down. A lot of the good stuff I'm doing is invisible. I help him, he helps his family, you touch one person you touch everyone. I could have sold Nasa to Corinthians and never known how he felt about Chester or what my intervention meant to him.' He sighed. 'It is logical, you know. They're good at football and they're good people. My dream Scandinavian will have to wait, that's all. I can still go and meet him and arrange a transfer for next summer.'
'Why don't you sleep on it? Let's watch Netflix and relax, yes? Maybe tomorrow we'll find someone even better than Nasa and Thom, yes?'
'If we do, you and Clara will manage his career at Corinthians and Nono will be very happy. But my mind is made up. Nasa and Tom are coming with me.' Suddenly he smiled, a big smile, and his face glowed like one of my mother's icons. 'Hey, Chelli. Chelli. Guess what? Chelli!'
'What?' I said, also smiling because how can you not?
'Guess where I'm taking Nasa?'
'To Chester.'
'Ha!' he said, poking me. 'I'm taking Nasa to the moon!'