13.14 - Application Forum
14.
Monday, April 20
Transcript of the Chester Fans Trust End of Season Special Meeting
On stage: Boggy (Seals Live host and lifelong Chester fan); Max Best (Director of Football, player, brat.)
Boggy: Okay, ready to start. Max, we're on video and we have to assume children are watching.
Max: Go to bed you little shits.
[Audience: laughter.]
Boggy: Max, please.
Max: No, you're right. Which camera is on me? Hey, kids, do your homework then go to bed. School is mint. I mean, it's not but you get to play footy in the breaks, don't you? Homework's a small price to pay. Wow, nailed that, didn't I?
Boggy: I'm actually really nervous.
Max: Why, mate?
Boggy: You haven't spoken to the fans for a year apart from a few videos here and there. There is a lot of built-up, pent-up anticipation and I know people will say I got the tone wrong.
Max: You look great, Boggy. That shirt's a good colour on you. Did you go to that hairdresser I told you about?
Boggy: That's not what... Ha. Okay, you're trying to relax me. See, that's what I want this event to convey. Yes, you come across as truculent in the media and yes, you can be difficult, but you're also thoughtful and interesting. I want people to get to know the real you.
Max: Hmm. Nah, I can live without that. I have a different aim for tonight.
Boggy: Oh, no. It's gone off the rails already.
[Audience: laughter.]
Max: Let me just say a couple of things before we go any further. [Clears throat.] I mean, thanks for coming, everyone. Big turnout. Is this the biggest ever? We'll need to do the next one at the Deva. You guys in this room, those watching at home, you're the backbone of this club. When it could have folded forever, it was you who put your time and money into the phoenix club. Yes I'm doing my best to drag Chester kicking and screaming into the 23rd century but you kept it alive and I'm standing on the shoulders of giants.
[Applause.]
I'd also like to say that I appreciate that you gave me the chance to get on with things this year. You know, without having a board breathing down my neck. As it happened, if there had been some idiot like James Pond undermining me I think it would have been too much and I wouldn't be here now. The job's too hard to make it harder but I know it was a leap of faith and I really appreciate it.
[Applause.]
I think what I want to do today is explain some of what I've done this season and answer some of the questions that have built up and kind of reassure you that things are on track so that you'll give me another year without that intrusive supervision. I do feel I've earned it but I also very strongly feel you should have the final power.
[Applause.]
I've talked with Boggy and he's going to ask his questions in two parts. This part now, this is the review section. After the break we'll do more forward-facing stuff. Bombshell Boardwalk, you might call it. You've got loads of review-type questions, haven't you, Boggy?
Boggy: Yes, our members have sent lots in. There isn't time to hand the microphone out to everyone who has a question, especially since we have people watching in Slovakia, Germany, Texas and more.
Max: What time is it there? 4 a.m.? Go to bed you little shits!
[Laughter.]
No seriously, that's awesome. Welcome to Chester. So let's restate the stakes. Think of tonight as an application form. I'm applying for my own job.
Boggy: An application forum.
Max: Oh, that's very good. Yes. If the members aren't happy with what I'm doing and what I plan to do, we can, like, go our separate ways.
[Murmur.]
Boggy: Sorry, Max, I have to play Devil's Advocate in this scenario since we're the only two people with mics. Are you threatening to quit?
Max: No. I've got big plans but I have to be realistic and say they might not be popular. It's er, you know. Thingy. If people don't like the direction then it's a good time to part company. I don't want that but I want to do more than win football matches and if the owners of the club aren't convinced by my vision I will accept it and I'll, you know, see what else is out there.
Boggy: I'm trying to put the future-facing questions at the end but it's really hard. This is a question from me, if I can be so self-indulgent. Are you okay?
Max: [Laughs.] Yes and no. I'm really tired. I've been thinking a lot about what I might say tonight but I remember what it's like being a normal fan. It wasn't that long ago! The difference in mentality between insiders and fans is massive and I don't think it can be bridged. Fans can't understand and don't want to understand. When I say I'm tired most fans go 'oh, boo hoo, stop complaining and get back on the pitch'. But it's just a job, same as yours. How long would it take you to get burned out if you had to watch football ten hours a day, every day, forever?
Boggy: Not long, I don't think.
Max: Right. I still like it and it's rewarding but there are days when Emma says 'hey West Ham are playing Everton do you want to watch that?' and I think, you know what? I'd rather do literally anything else.
Boggy: I think a lot of West Ham and Everton fans would understand your point of view.
[Laughter.]
Max: The football season is long and summers can fill up if you let them. What I hate most is when I think the job is making me a bad boyfriend. I don't want my girlfriend to have to schedule time with me or to read her romance books and wish I was more like those hockey boys. Like, what, it'll be better three years from now? What kind of life is that? I'm looking around and no-one has any clue what I'm talking about. That's okay but it does make communication hard. While we're being meta, I think I'd like to ask you a question. Was this a good season?
Boggy: I think I know how to answer that. Round of applause if you think this was a good season.
[Deafening applause and cheers. Chants of Ches-ter! Ches-ter!]
Max: Look at you working the crowd! Wow. Okay, see, this is another slight disconnect, right. It's why I find it harder and harder to talk to the fans. I'm not sure it was a good season.
Boggy: Oh, Max, come on. There are two matches to play and we could still mathematically win the league. You asked me not to go on about that but I'm just saying that's incredible, almost beyond belief. Just to be in the top half after the start we had is extraordinary, but to have 89 points is next-level. Add the near-certainty of automatic promotion to the cup runs and yes, it was a good season. A great season!
[Applause.]
Max: Well, fine. I don't want to be a buzzkill but I wonder about some of my choices. One of the things that's rewarding but draining is that I have to operate on different timelines. When I'm the director of football I'm thinking three years ahead. We need a core squad that can compete next season and the season after, right? So we have players with growth in them. But on a Saturday at three p.m. when I'm looking at my starting eleven, I don't care about the future. I want players who can win that match for me. I'm a project manager and a win-now manager all at the same time and that's literally crazy-making.
Boggy: I bet.
Max: If we had binned off the cups we could have got another point or two. If I had used the young players less, if I hadn't rotated the goalies, if we had kept Ben or Sharky a bit longer, if I'd stolen the documentary money from the women. There are loads of things I could have done that would have put more points on the board.
Boggy: Yeah, well, I forgive you.
[Laughter.]
Let's do some questions about the season that has just gone. The first question is an interesting one. It's from Alina and she asks what it is like working with the EFL.
Max: I have been impressed. When we got promoted I thought we would have to fight and scrap but it hasn't been like that at all. They want to run their leagues as smoothly as possible with the minimum intervention but they show their teeth when a club steps out of line. Personally I would want to have three teams going down into the National League and maybe bring that division into the EFL structure.
Boggy: As League Three?
Max: Yes. I think all but one of the National League teams is fully professional. But, you know, it's not exactly harmful to the sport the way it is now. It's not existential. As for future problems, I can imagine there could be some frayed tempers if the next TV deal isn't as good as the current one, or if the Premier League tries to impose more of its crazy bullshit on the EFL, but right now I'm cautiously optimistic about the people running this level of football. If they did something that seemed batshit I would be willing to listen to their explanation. Oh! Heh. We could compare them to a brilliant young football manager who has some ideas that sound batshit at first but when you let him explain you end up going 'oh wow it's actually really really exciting'.
Boggy: Ladies and gentlemen, that shooting pain you're feeling behind your eyeballs is completely normal.
[Laughter.]
The next question is from Mark. We know you plan our seasons and the players are always blown away at how accurate your predictions prove to be. Looking back, how many segments would you divide this season into and did our results in each segment hew to your expectation?
Max: Oh. That's interesting. Basically yes, this was the season we expected but we got the boost from the FA Cup money that allowed us to accelerate some squad building and it meant we didn't have to sell players in January simply to raise funds for the stadium. On the other hand, I didn't really think we would lose so many players at one time. How many segments were there? Three. No, four.
Boggy: Go on.
Max: The first is the stage we might call arriviste.
[His chuckle is the only sound in a vast expanse of nothingness. The microphone makes a harsh metallic noise.]
Is this thing on? Okay, what I mean is we got promoted from the National League and there was a clear and obvious period of adjustment. Players like Christian Fierce, Zach Green, Henri, I mean I hope we can all agree they are more than good enough for this league, but still, it takes a minute to adjust. That time was pretty bad in terms of points in the league but we were doing interesting things in the cups and the players knew things were trending in the right direction.
Boggy: I was worried.
Max: When are you not?
[Laughter.]
Boggy: Now. Five points off the top of the league, five points above the playoffs. It's as nailed-on a third-placed finish as it's possible to get.
Max: Yeah, you're right. I think that's what tips it into being boring for me. Okay so that was the first phase. Fleetwood to Carlisle. By the way, incredibly unhelpful fixtures! It's almost impossible to create a harder string of matches. The next phase was from Gillingham at the end of September to January first. Very solid results which took us from 24th to 7th. The third phase is the time we integrated Foquita and Duggers. You can see the underlying metrics trend up and up until the seven-nil thrashing of Sutton. At that point we're building up a head of steam like nobody's business. Then, bam. The fourth segment. Fixtures piling up, poor pitches, tiredness, international breaks, and the harsh realities of life with a thin squad.
Boggy: We only lost one game in that period. The only points we dropped recently have been one defeat to Crewe and a draw against Cambridge. Didn't you think we played well against the U's?
Max: So many teams called the U's. It's so lame. Yeah as nil-nils go that was a good one. Sandra was always good at those defensive, er, what do the Americans call it? Umm... schemes. She could do a defensive scheme but we all learned a thing or two from Peter Bauer. The nil-nil against one of the many U's was pretty impressive, actually, and the 4-0 against Swindon was great fun. We could quibble about the third and fourth segment, like if there was any tangible difference or if we simply slapped as soon as Duggers got here but that's how I would categorise the season. Starting as the worst team, ending as the best.
Hey, I forgot something I wanted to say. Jonny Planter - our groundsman - and his team did amazing work keeping the pitch at the Deva playable. I don't think we lost any points because of the surface, which is really impressive given the winter we had. In a just world he'd be here on the stage along with MD, Brooke, Secretary Joe, Inga, Sandra, Jackie, Physio Dean, the Brig, Spectrum, and loads of others.
[Applause.]
Boggy: Of course, Max, but people want to hear from you. So with the recent question about the EFL, maybe this is a good time to ask about the backroom staff.
Max: Let me stop you there. I know there seems to be an appetite for a witch hunt and I won't have it. Any movement among the fans that leads to MD quitting, Brooke quitting, or Secretary Joe quitting, will also lead to me quitting. I won't have it. No. Uh-uh. All for one, one for all. You come at my staff, you come at me.
[Applause, cheers.]
Boggy: We have to talk about it.
Max: About what? About some technicality being breached? Sutton can take their technicalities and shove it up their relegation.
[Huge cheers.]
Listen, it's my fault. I've said this twenty times. Everyone in this room wants to see the club's money on the pitch, right? You want signings and transfers and hot new players and all that. You don't want to hear that we're investing in a new ticketing system or a better sales flow on the website or some crap like that. And generally speaking, I agree. We're a football club and we should do football things, but it was a wake-up call that we can't neglect the basics along the way.
I've told you I think I made a lot of mistakes this season but I wouldn't really count the so-called transfer ban as one of them. Having a super-lean back office was a calculated risk. Could we get to the end of this season without investing in the support staff? We nearly made it, you know. What I learned is that we just have to get that side of the club right even if it means we can't buy that star striker we want.
You could argue the star striker is worth ten points a season and some admin error might only cost us four points, but there's the stress to consider. [He laughs.] Quite a few people in this room can stand to watch us take mad risks on the pitch but just can't hack going ten minutes without signing a new player. For the mental health of the fans, we have to invest in the less glamorous side of the club. And we will. MD will take his first salary ever - he doesn't want it but it's important for the future that it's a paid position. Brooke will get a big raise. We will hire people.
Boggy: We have questions about this summer's deals but we can save them until later.
[Some fans: booo!]
Couple of, ah, softball questions I meant to ask earlier to break the ice. Um... There was a lot of creativity on the Fountains Roundabout billboard this season. Which was your favourite poster?
Max: Probably the Jamie Lane-Beeks one.
[Applause.]
Boggy: For the Texans who don't drive around Chester, can you describe the image and what you liked about it?
Max: Yeah so to celebrate the birth of Sandra's kid we made a pastiche of the over-dramatic imagery you get from big clubs when they're teasing a new signing. You know, all misty and dark and brooding and there's a mystery person in the middle partially cloaked in shadow with shafts of light hitting certain spots. In our case we had a tiny little baby double-thumbing the name on the back of his shirt: Lane-Beeks 1. It looked absolutely awesome and it was funny.
We had some rows, actually, in the admin team because I wanted it to say Lane-Beeks 0 because he's zero years old but I was outvoted. Apparently as soon as you're born you're one year old. Makes no sense but whatevs. I'm over it.
Boggy: So -
Max: By their logic, you're one year old until you're two. That's two years where you have the same age. Do you know what I mean? Get out of town. That's abysmal. It's fine, though. I'm over it.
Boggy: Who's the most improved player?
Max: That's easy. Cole Adams.
[Applause.]
Boggy: Oh.
Max: There's nothing to discuss, mate. Next question.
Boggy: Quite a few questions were about the Brazilian players we signed. We never hear about them.
Max: Yes, that's very fair. The problem is that right now they're catching up on their peers who started earlier than them and, well, it's not glamorous. You can't make TV shows about index investing, do you know what I mean?
Boggy: No.
Max: They're just grinding, keeping their heads down. Their agent, Chelli, is more or less full-time looking after them, helping them get extra training sessions and that sort of thing. They're starting from a low base but they've already done enough to get sort of adopted by Corinthians. I mean, that step was really a reflection of their director of football taking a punt on me and my future but the coaches there are starting to report back like, hey, these kids are improving fast. Could we...?
Boggy: That begs the question... Could they? Is it possible we will never see these players?
Max: Um... It's possible but unlikely. Wouldn't be very satisfying, would it? The problem is the work permits. Legally they're not even allowed to come and train in England so we need to make it so they can improve while they're in Brazil and we'll bring them over when we can. Possibly in our first Championship season because we'll get four ESC slots.
Boggy: It's so complicated with the visas and exceptions and all that. I can't keep track of it.
Max: I know. I heard a podcast from a big six club where someone tried to explain the squad rules. In the Premier League the rules are this and this but in European comps they are that and that and what that means is X and Y. It's completely absurd! Those arcane rules might be the only thing that stops the Brazilian lads appearing in a Chester shirt. I mean, if you offered me a million pounds for Nasa I would be tempted but really if we're patient and just let it happen, we've got two brilliant young players there. How it all plays out and when we bring them to England is another question. It might be better to bring them to Wales to get a work permit but so far I'm happy with them where they are.
Boggy: Okay, Wales. That's a huge topic. Let me do it like this. Where was it? Here. Question from Jake. Can you talk us through the latest with your various footballing interests and let us know how much of your time you spend on football clubs that aren't Chester?
Max: Wow. Are you sure that wasn't a question from someone called Emma?
[Laughter.]
Okay, let's see. I'm helping my friend Mateo, the owner of Tranmere Rovers, with his team in Gibraltar. They were dead last a year ago but with my input they are second. Normally College doesn't take much time at all but I think the news is out there that I plan to go for a couple of months this summer. I'll be gone for July and August and I'll probably miss four league games for Chester. Look at this guy in the front row, Boggy. Folding his arms all grumpy.
Boggy: Can you blame him?
Max: For the Texans, some background on the European competitions. There are three and every player wants to play in them. You've heard of the Champions League. That's tier one. I'll be in tier three which is still very attractive for players at my level. It's a big stage but mostly I'm doing it for money.
Boggy: Money.
Max: Yes. A fuckton of money. There are four rounds of knockout matches and if the team can make it through them they go into this dumbarse league thing. I hate it but if you can get there you get loads of money. Like, millions just for getting there. If I can fire the club into that I'll get a bonus. Tell you what, though, I'm motivated by the challenge, too. The second best team in Gibraltar should in theory be one of the absolute worst teams in that competition but I think we'll be able to get through the first couple of matches. The third and fourth ones will be against decent teams but they won't be expecting Max Best and his band of merry men. The odds are against us but it will be great fun.
Boggy: I suppose you'll get mad at me if I ask how it works with the transfer window and the start to the season and such considerations?
Max: Yes I will get mad at you because the implication implicit in the question is that I won't be doing my job. We've already got most of our transfer business for the summer arranged, Boggy. We're in April and I've done loads. It's actually quite spectacular. If I'm still in this job an hour from now, it's all systems go.
Boggy: I wanted to save the transfer talk until after the break but -
Max: Hang on a sec. I didn't finish the previous question. I help Mr. Yalley run his club in Manchester. Again, mostly it's just a case of recommending players who might improve the team. They have blitzed their league again but they were going for the all-time home-wins-in-a-row record and they didn't get it. Sneak attack three matches from the end. So close! The vibe is amazing, though. They're going to tier seven.
Boggy: What are your long-term ambitions for that club?
Max: Tier six, I think, is the natural limit based on the ground and that sort of thing. South Manchester's a place where you could easily build a club that gets ten thousand a match but it's not practical unless someone gives me a massive plot of land in a property hotspot. Even if the neighbours decided they wanted a cute little stadium outside their windows... No, I don't have grand plans for it. If everything else blows up I can go to West and take them up a couple more divisions but mostly I see it as a sort of entry-level club, a place where ambitious coaches and players can get a start.
If you guys sack me, I've got that in my back pocket. I could take some talented Manc lads, train them up, make enough money to live on, but while the rest of my life is going well, being involved with West is just a way for me to give back to my local community. I think of Chester as my home now but there's home and home, do you know what I mean? I'll always have a soft spot for South Manchester even if I have ascended beyond living there. Heh. My involvement in West doesn't take much time. Sometimes I pop in after I visit my mum; it's basically next door.
Boggy: Then Saltney.
Max: Right. That's the only club I actually own. Won the league, did well in the Welsh Cup. We'll be in the Cymru Premier next season, which opens up a few more cans of worms than I expected. Heh. There are only three men at Chester FC getting league winner's medals this season and they are the ones at Saltney so they've got the bragging rights around training. Owning the club hasn't actually taken much of my time so far. Once the squad is set I follow the results on my phone and that's the extent of my involvement. These days there is more of a time commitment with the training camps I'm doing. I've got that pretty much automated these days so all I have to do is oversee it.
Boggy: Can we talk about the cans of worms?
Max: When I started at Saltney I just thought: get some better players in, get to the Prem, win the Prem, make a shitload of money from getting into UEFA competitions. Easy. [He laughs.] We're halfway there and I can't lie and say it was hard because it wasn't. [He laughs.] But now we need to get serious. Like there's no stadium, no infrastructure, and we barely have any of the things behind the scenes that we're supposed to have. So yeah, I do need to put some work into that. Do some paperwork. Mostly it's just a question of sending money.
Boggy: We have lots of questions about the overlap between Saltney and Chester. Some people think it's murky.
Max: I think we can probably summarise the entire conundrum through the lens of one player - Tom Westwood. He spent the first half of the season with Chester's first team and he got some minutes here and there but then Foquita arrived so he became fourth choice at a time when we were out of most of the cups. Not many minutes going so he went to Saltney and played in every match, pretty much. I can tell you he has really kicked on this season but Chester aren't staying in League Two, right? We're going to League One and while Foquita and Henri are leaving, we have two strikers coming in who are ready for that level.
Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website.
So what's best for Tom? Be our fourth-choice striker? He'll get some minutes and he's a great player to have against certain opponents. Or he could play in the Welsh Premier. As it stands right now, he would be one of the best strikers in that league. He would play almost every match. That's the dilemma. A few minutes at a high level, or lots of minutes at a medium level. What's better for his career? That's the only consideration for me. I don't care what it looks like from the outside. I know that if I focus on what's best for Tom, everything else will fall into place. The dude in the front row uncrossed his arms; he liked that answer.
Boggy: Money doesn't come into it?
Max: Why would it? When we loan players to Buxton or Macclesfield we don't ask them to contribute to a player's wages. We want our players to play because that benefits this club.
Boggy: When it comes to Tom, which way are you leaning?
Max: With Rainman and Omari I think it's clear another season on loan would be best but for Tom, staying or going would be pretty comparable in terms of his skills progression. He's such an all-action kind of player I always feel bad seeing him on the bench. He shouldn't be caged up like that but Tom will get the final say. It's his life.
Boggy: You're offering us a tantalising glimpse into our summer plans. Some might say you're teasing us.
Max: I'm trying to save it until after the break because it's going to be explosive. We should have some review in the review portion, right?
Boggy: Quick word on your Welsh army team?
Max: Sure. They train and play on Wednesdays and some Saturdays so obviously I can't get to all of those. For my coaching badge I taught them this new way of playing and that was really interesting for a while but we got to a point where I was like okay thanks I get it. But they're such clingy bastards they made me stick around until their season is done. There's this thing called the Minor Units Cup and they keep fucking winning! It's absolutely maddening because when they lose I can bin them off. [He laughs.] It's funny to me because they're all Wrexham fans and they want me to lose but they want themselves to win so there are times in matches where you can see them really struggling, you know, like actors. What's my motivation in this scene? [He laughs some more.] But seriously they're absolutely mint.
There's one guy who, well, he does an annoying thing in matches pretty often and I'm like what the fuck are you doing you idiot? But he kind of stands there and I realise he's in fucking unbelievable agony just then and he needs a tiny break. Do you know what I mean? He's sort of teaching me patience and understanding, and, yeah, some of my players would say he's not doing a very good job.
[Laughter.]
It's mint, though. They try their fucking arses off. They were stressed off their tits going into the semi-final and I was like are you fucking kidding me? This lot are an absolute shower! The lads went what, really? I went yeah they are dire! Get the fuck out of my face. Like, that was my whole pre-match team talk. What I didn't say was the oppo were miles better; I told them what they needed to hear. They crushed that semi-final. Swagger for days. Heh. It was a massacre; Beth Heads versus Man City all over again! They're in the final and they're made up.
Some general dude came up to me and was like 'I say, what's all this strange footy?' and I went 'I hear these fucks don't have the gear they need, bro' and he mumbled some stuff and walked off. Not sure if he was angry or embarrassed but either my players are gonna get sent to Australia or they'll get new sleeping bags.
Boggy: Your face lights up when you talk about your troops.
Max: No it doesn't. Take that back. Oh! Troops. The fans are my foot soldiers. Here's something I wanted to say: On the whole I've been really happy with the fans and their patience. There was frustration with Sharky at times but mostly you got behind him and look what happened - we sold him for a really good fee and he's having a good time at Crawley. I want to build resilience into our whole setup and that means giving minutes to young players and to undercooked players. We will do it much less next season than this but we will do it. And we'll use the loans system to give our lads time on the pitch. Please continue to be patient with the players and they will deliver.
[Applause.]
I think I've done enough developing young players to get some, you know, free rein. Did you know we're in the FA Youth Cup final?
[Huge applause.]
Thanks. Now might be a good time to mention my massive pay rise.
[Laughter.]
Boggy: Oh, that's a good way to ask the next question. Let me edit this a fraction. From Katie. Do you think you have earned the massive pay rise you want to give yourself?
Max: [Laughs.] Love it, Boggy, but I already said what I thought about the season, didn't I?
Boggy: Yes but if you have to justify being paid you might be a little more positive and cheerful this time.
Max: [Scoffs.] Fine, all right. It's hard, isn't it? I mean, where do you start? Okay so... We're going up.
[Cheers.]
We got the stadium.
[Cheers.]
We've got a training ground.
[Cheers.]
We've got international players.
[Cheers.]
We've got air-source heat pumps.
[Confused cheers.]
Boggy: We've lost Max. Fits of giggles. Snap out of it. What's happening?
Max: Ahhhh, that was amazing. [He sighs happily.] Okay, listen, there are loads of shitty things in this world and I can't fix all of them but I can use my position to do some small amount of good. Gammons have decided they hate heat pumps the way they hate fresh air and clean water so I'm going big on heat pumps. I think I need to do one thing a year that pushes back on this country's slow descent into stupidity. Our solar array saved us forty thousand pounds this season, the dental clinic is meeting a dire need, the heat pumps will slash the bills from our new buildings. Shut up and stick to football? Fucking try and make me.
[Applause.]
A heat pump is just a fridge, by the way. Everyone has a fridge. How can you start a culture war on fridges? Why are so many people so desperate to go back to the dark ages?
Boggy: It's fascinating to hear about the things that animate you but I think the question was whether you deserve your raise...
[Laughter.]
Max: I'm worth ten times more as a player, ten times more as a manager, ten times more as a scout. Can I go back to my rants now?
[Applause and laughter.]
Boggy: Question from John. What is our best formation and do you know our best eleven?
Max: We don't have such luxuries. Bradford City have four times our budget, for example. They can have a theme and stick to it but we need to get the best possible players and make what's available work. We will have the lowest budget in League One but there isn't a manager in that league who isn't looking at us and thinking 'oh shit'.
[Cheers.]
The best eleven thing is a strange one. I hear fans call radio shows complaining about their managers and one of the sticks they beat them with is 'he doesn't know his best eleven'. It's gibberish. It doesn't mean anything. Everyone knows the famous Man United midfield of Giggs, Keane, Scholes, and Beckham. Right? That famous midfield only played together about six times. Even if you're the best manager of all time, you've got to be flexible.
I think everyone wants to get to the good stuff, the transfer stuff, so indulge me in a bit of introspection and we'll get some beers in the break. This football club is in good shape. There are areas for improvement, obviously, and we won't have a huge amount of extra resources next season but I am very confident we will finish in the top two and that will instantly make next season the very best season in the history of the club.
[Applause.]
Honestly I don't see who can stop us from winning the league.
[Cheers and whoops.]
We're solid financially and we're improving the facilities fast but not so fast we risk over extending. I'm building complementary facilities at Saltney, by the way, which reduces some of the financial risk for Chester. I'm always thinking about what happens when I leave, always trying to build structures that will survive. It's a very long-term plan and okay, I'm gutted to lose to a billionaire brat but we'll see how our plans compare next season, won't we? I've been preparing for this Youth Cup run for three years and I've been preparing us for League One for three years.
I've built a culture that I think gives us an advantage on and off the pitch. Some people think I'm a good manager but don't like that I'm preachy. Maybe I'm a good manager because I'm preachy. Maybe we win because as a team we believe in something. I'm proud of that culture but it's lacking in at least one key respect.
We've got a diverse team from all corners of the world. We're supportive and we help each other out on our journeys and I think we're pretty effective as a team. At the start of the season I asked the players to think of their careers as maps and we sat together to plot a path in terms of what skills they needed to develop next and that sort of thing. Magnus has been working on his progressive passing, Andrew on his late runs into the penalty area, Dazza on being less of a dick.
[Shocked laughter.]
I've just realised that joke isn't helping me make my point about what a supportive culture we have.
[Laughter.]
Dazza is a great guy, great player, great teammate. I honestly like everyone at the club. Except Dazza. Shit, I've done it again.
[Laughter.]
I'm just going to give everyone a five count because I really do want to make a serious point here. [Pause.] Don't worry about Dazza and Andrew and Wibbers and whoever else I've fallen out with.
Boggy: [Horrified.] You fell out with Wibbers?
Max: We all want the same thing, which is for them to have the best possible version of their career. Culture means eliminating barriers to high performance and creating an environment where our staff can shine. If you think you can have a successful football team in a toxic environment, I would say you were right... in the 1980s.
Boggy: True. Good music, though.
Max: Our culture is an area of advantage. It makes us more determined on the pitch and helps us recruit new players. I scouted a Welsh Colombian and she already wanted to sign before she landed in the country because she likes what we're trying to do. She has seen our documentary and my Harry Styles video and so on.
With a bit of a fight I was able to create an environment where a deaf girl could play. She's the most talented young English player I've seen, and I include Sarah Greene in that. Some in the audience will know what that means. The England selectors are not interested in Dani, which says a lot about this country, but with my Chester hat on I can't say it's a bad thing. If selected, she would go and come back a better player but she would also pick up bad habits from the other players and especially from her coaches and maybe even come back injured. I can't control what happens at FA headquarters but this is my domain and I think I've done a good job of making sure that Dani is a full and valued member of our team.
So we have a deaf player in the women's team and we know we could get one in the men's team, too. It's a solved problem. We have a good mix of introverts and extroverts, vibes players and tactics nerds, all kinds of stuff. There's one big gap, though, and I'm not even slightly close to addressing it.
I was thinking a lot about gay players recently. I'm talking about the men's game here. Women's sport is the one place women have more freedom than men.
Boggy: Are you thinking about the recent controversies?
Max: Yes. Everywhere you look - Bayern Munich, Man United, Crystal Palace - there are these famous players who refuse to wear a rainbow armband or won't get behind some team message about inclusion and I think, well that's the end of that guy's career then, isn't it? How can you represent what is essentially a famous brand sponsored by famous brands and insist on spewing hate? But they get away with it. If one club kicks them out, there's another who snaps them right up. There's no consequence for hate but there is a consequence for love.
Three years into this and for all my success, for all my wins, there isn't a single openly gay player in the men's team. There isn't a single openly gay player in the top four divisions. Where's my precious culture now? I haven't achieved shit. The gammons are winning, Boggy. I got myself depressed about it but what I think - what I hope - is happening is that a player would feel safe to come out here but what happens when I want to sell him? There are too many gammons running too many clubs and coming out would be career suicide.
Okay, so there can't be a one-club solution. I literally can't do it on my own. That thought made me feel better about myself, slightly, but I realised that the only way to change this sport is to take over this sport.
That's one of the motivations behind what you're going to hear after the break. I need to know there's a greater purpose to what I'm doing otherwise it's just kicking a ball around, isn't it?
Boggy: Break time. Craft beers are on special offer at the bar. Why not play the Seals Lotto? Visit that table at the back of the room. And, er, come back in twenty minutes for more of Max's job application.
[Eruption of conversation; chairs scraping.]
***
Eighteen minutes later.
Youngster: Hello? Is this on? Hello? [Clears throat. Paper rustles.] I would like to read a public apology for my poor performances in recent matches. I am in constant combat with the sin of pride. My prideful ways are in no way a reflection of how I feel about the management of Sandra Lane. I am deeply ashamed -
Max: Sit back down, you idiot. What the hell. Sophie, turn his mic off. Seriously, mate, we don't need sackcloth and ashes every time you get six out of ten. Go on, get off the stage. Boo. Booo. Heh. So many drama queens around here. Yeah, I saw the Cambridge match. So what? Well who told you to do that? Oh, and he pays your wages does he? Next time he gives you advice, punch him in the dee and give him a wedgie. Tell him I sent you. Can you just sit back down, please? Sakes.
***
Boggy: And we are back! I talked to Max in the break and we decided to blast through some rapid-fire questions before he tells us about his plans. First one is, whatever happened with selling naming rights for the Deva?
Max: It doesn't generate as much income as you'd think. If we named it the Kirschgarten whatever whatever, almost everyone would still call it the Deva and companies know that. Long story short, it's just not enough money to bother with unless you're building a whole new stadium like Arsenal did. It could be worth a decent chunk when we're in the Prem but by then we won't need the money. Naming rights are currently off the table and I'm not planning to revisit it.
Boggy: You have ruled out partnering with gambling companies. What about getting a crypto partner?
Max: There was a correction issued to an article about the crypto products promoted by the Chelsea defender John Terry. The correction went 'The story saying the crypto products had fallen in value by 90% is no longer accurate. The new figure is 99%.' We get loads of emails from people whose idea of a hot first date is explaining what fiat currency is. To those people we always say we'll consider their product if they deposit a chunk of cash to compensate our fans for any losses they incur. No-one has ever replied to that reply. Bin the whole discussion. Not going to happen ever while I'm here. FOMO for me is fear of being mugged off. Next.
Boggy: More of a comment than a question, this one. The Star family hasn't done to Bradford what you predicted.
Max: It will be interesting to see what they do this summer. They should cash out, to be honest, because Chip doesn't have a clue what he's doing. They got lucky. If you get lucky, don't push your luck, right? There's no way Daddy Star will sanction another five million in spending to get them to the Championship. No way. He could turn his ten million into fifty million in twelve months but he doesn't have the stomach for that sort of fight. You'll see him turn tail and run to the nearest bush like whatever animal it is I'm thinking of. An otter?
Boggy: Are we going to rename the Harry McNally stand?
Max: No.
Boggy: Reading these out, it seems like these questions are negative but the overall sentiment is that you're the best manager we've ever had and if you wanted to name part of the stadium after yourself it would go down well.
[Applause.]
Max: I think Harry McNally put a shift in and he deserves his recognition.
[Big applause.]
I might name one of the floodlights after myself. Give it a little plaque and do a ceremony.
[Laughter.]
Seriously, though, if I get a stand named after me for coming third in League Two, what are you going to give me when we win the Premier League?
[Indistinct shout.]
What did he say?
Boggy: He said we'll name the city Bester.
[Cheers and whoops.]
Max: All right, while the energy is high it's time for the bombshells. I'm really excited about this because I think you're going to dislike every individual thing I say but when you think of them all as a unified whole you'll think it's a work of genius. It's a jigsaw puzzle where every piece is horrible but the finished picture is a blonde mermaid with a hot smile.
Boggy: I'm terrified. Was that the reaction you were hoping for?
Max: Can someone get an energy drink over here for this chap in the front row? I'm worried about him folding and unfolding his arms beyond the limits of human endurance.
[Indistinct shout.]
Boggy: He says he'd prefer a double vodka.
Max: Done. Where are my minions at? Kian, perfect. Here's twenty quid. Get a double vodka for him and something for the woman who keeps poking him in the ribs.
[Laughter.]
Boggy: I feel we need a drum roll. Oh, wait, we have transfer questions. Will Foquita stay? What are you doing to keep Foquita? Foquita colon could we question mark. Why don't you keep Henri? Please keep Henri. Why are you being so cruel to Henri? Many more like that.
Max: We'll get to all that. Let's start with my trip to Gibraltar and watch in awe as that simple event leads to a cascade of other events. The butterfly flaps its wings and puff! The fate of football hangs in the balance. It's important to note that College, the team in Gibraltar, can bring in six players on loan, with a maximum of three from one club. Remember I said players want to play in European competition? Recently I got the Chester lads together, twenty of them, and asked who would be interested in coming to Gibraltar with me for a couple of months to play in the UEFA Conference League? Nineteen hands went up.
Boggy: Who was the holdout?
Max: Foquita, but that was because I was so hyper and talking so fast he couldn't follow me. When he understood the question he put his hand up but put it down again. Why? Because he'll be playing in the Champions League.
Boggy: He's going then?
Max: Of course he's going. I kept reading all this chat about trying to make him stay and while I get the impulse to hold onto an 18-goals-in-19-games striker, I don't break promises. If we break this promise we'll never get that kind of player again, will we? We got him for half a season and we've coached the shit out of him and we are delighted. I love his attitude; he was begging Sandra to play in the Cheshire Cup semi-final, like we need him against Hyde United. But that's how much he loves it here. Let's respect that by letting him take the next step in his career, okay? Will we bring him back one day? Yes, when they find oil under one of our 3G pitches. Actually, if he keeps progressing at his current rate it might need to be a semiconductor foundry. He's done, okay? We've got two more games. Actually, Sandra can use him in the Cheshire Cup final against Stockport if she wants. Three games. Enjoy them.
Boggy: I understand we had a handshake but it's hard to see him go.
Max: You'll get over it. So it should be obvious that I'm planning to bring two Chester players to Gib with me. Which two? I haven't decided but for now it's enough to know that they all want to go. It's really going to be a lot of fun and it'll make them better players. This kind of caper could help us when we're recruiting, by the way. We can send three players to Gibraltar to play in Europe and from next season, three to Saltney. God, it's exciting!
College will have six very decent loan players, right? But what about Henri and Lee Hudson? They are out of contract in the summer. They can sign for College for two months and after the final qualifying match they will sign for Tranmere Rovers. Oh! Almost a folded arm!
Boggy: Keep going, Max.
Max: Eight players I know, eight players who know me. Plus Glenn Ryder is there.
[Applause.]
Yeah. Warriors. Winners. I'm not saying you should be hyped about it but it will be like watching Chester All-Stars or something. Keep an open mind. You might enjoy it!
Boggy: When you put it like that... You'll be the player-manager, then? What about whoever the normal manager is?
Max: Who cares? [Pause.] What I mean is, I'm sure I'll handle the situation with delicacy and tact.
[Laughter.]
One thing about Henri. He's going to play in Europe, which is something that would have been out of reach any other time in his life. I'm really happy I can give him that little cherry on the top of his career. Then think about his life as a Tranmere player. On a normal day he'll train there and then drive to Bumpers to work on our video projects. If anything he'll be around more than ever. Which, ah, yeah. Hmm.
Boggy: What?
Max: Maybe I'll put him up on the second floor. As far away from my office as possible.
[Laughter.]
He's got a great time in his life coming up, same as Lee Hudson, same as Foquita. The message is that we work fucking hard to leave you in a better place than we found you. That was the message I gave to Duggers and Swanny in January and it wasn't too hard to convince them, do you know what I mean? We've got proof.
Boggy: The players departing will be on better terms, then? Even if they technically drop a division?
Max: Yeah, the deals will be pretty sweet but it's about walking straight into the starting eleven, too. Okay that brings me onto maybe the most controversial thing from tonight. It might be the most controversial thing any human being has ever said.
Boggy: We heard the news that Jimmy Mustard will step down from his role at the end of the season, and now you're going to tell us who the next manager of Tranmere Rovers will be.
Max: Yes. Jackie Reaper.
[Uproar.]
Boggy: Max, did you... Did you sack Jackie Reaper?
Max: No way. No no no. Can we all have a fucking rational conversation, please? What the hell. Jackie is my bro. Bros before In The Knows. What's happening is that little baby Jackie is all grown up and it's my job to kick him out of the nest. Heh. That line bombed. Is Jackie popular or something?
Boggy: Be careful.
Max: Okay. Is everyone calm? Soooo many folded arms. Jackie Reaper is going to finish this season as a double or treble winner. He has achieved enough for us and now he can do more good for the world as the manager of Tranmere than as manager of Chester Women. At Prenton Park he'll have a starting eleven that can compete for the title plus he'll be able to train up some of their good young players. Unlike me, he won't be sniffy about taking guys on loan. He can get someone awesome from Everton who will improve the team, and he'll get someone from Chester who is really exciting.
Boggy: If you say Max Best I'm going to scream.
Max: Dan Badford. Dan needs regular football and the new, improved Tranmere's a great place to do it. He trusts Jackie Reaper, he trusts Sam Topps, he trusts Henri and Lee Hudson. It's just down the road, too. I talked to him about going away to get a different experience and this opportunity is perfect. I hope it's obvious how the Jackie move ties back to what I said earlier. Jackie and I agree on most things when it comes to football. I'll be able to rely on his support in EFL votes and he'll be an awesome partner in terms of making this country a better place to live. I have no clue where we can even start but I know that two heads are better than one. From your point of view you think I've created a rival. No. I've made an ally.
Boggy: Even when you said bombshell I really didn't think it would hit this hard...
Max: Your reaction is miles off. This is one of the best things that has ever happened and I get chills when I think about it. There was only one slight hiccup.
Boggy: Oh, God, I'm going to be sick.
Max: Boggy, come on. It's almost all good news! There was an unintended consequence, which was Jackie poaching my staff. I should have expected it.
Boggy: You mean his girlfriend? Livia Stranton?
Max: He hasn't asked her because he knows she would turn him down. If she wants to go she'll be the one who asks. I knew that's how their relationship started! Heh. No, he's taking Vimsy with him as his assistant. I've come to rely on Vimsy but he's going to go there and help Jackie build another club that runs like this one. No caveman shit, all are welcome. I was a bit gutted at first but it's a win-win.
Boggy: We've lost two important coaches.
Max: We haven't lost anything. We have created two awesome members of the football community and we will create two more. That's part of my mission now. I want to develop coaches the way I develop players. We're going to spread my way of doing things. Fearless, untethered to convention, collegiate, a player-first attitude, every day a thrilling adventure.
Boggy: That's laudable. Won't it be disruptive finding these new coaches? You already complained about your summer filling up.
Max: It's done, Boggy. The positions are filled.
Boggy: You already have a manager for the women's team?
Max: I do. Player-manager.
Boggy: Oh my God. Not another one! Um... Charlotte?
Max: Pascal Bochum.
[Amazement.]
Boggy: There's one slight catch.
Max: Let's not speculate about how slight his catch is. He will play for the men's team and manage the women's. Player-manager. Bosh.
Boggy: Max, he's 20.
Max: Yeah, they start early these days. Here's the thing. You heard me talk about three year timeframes? In three years the women will be in the Women's Super League and they will need an edge. Same as the men's team, I think that could be Relationism. I've used it in matches to mess with the oppo and there are times when it has gone stratospheric. I mean, fireworks. Literal fireworks. I want the women to learn it; Pascal can teach it. He did his coaching badges and he's good. As you might expect, he's strong on tactics so the women will continue to win matches we should win and we might surprise teams when we're the underdogs. Pascal is young, yes, but his man management is impressive.
Boggy: What about his woman management?
Max: We'll find out, won't we?
Boggy: I'm gobsmacked. I'm absolutely astonished. What if we sell him? I mean, we can't sell him now.
Max: [Laughing.] We could sell him to Tranmere. It's only down the road.
Boggy: Wait, how does it work when the men and women are playing at the same time?
Max: The women take priority. But remember I said about resilience? This is what I'm talking about. If there's a match like Crewe where we absolutely need Pascal, who else can step up and manage the women that day? If there's no-one in the entire club who can do that, I've utterly failed. No, we're going to address that. Remember the old Chester team who played Man United? Most of them ended up as player-managers. Pascal might do a season and step down to concentrate on playing but he'll always have the skills. I want to know: who else have we got? Who can we train now to take matches in the future?
Boggy: I'm going through the players in my head trying to imagine them as managers. Not many look right.
Max: You forgot that one of our coaches ascended. Can you imagine any of our players as coaches?
Boggy: Oh, yes, that's much easier.
Max: Right. I think so, too, so we'll once again encourage them to do their badges. As it happens, I've signed a player-coach. No names today but he played to a high level. He was a top striker, he's in his mid-thirties, he's done his badges, he wants to get into coaching. He's got good coaching numbers but I can tell you he's still an amazing player. Absolutely lethal. He's incredibly underrated by his current club. I wonder if his manager feels threatened? It's the only way to explain it.
Boggy: He's a free transfer?
Max: Yes. Pretty big wages but you'll see he's worth it. We're also getting a centre back. He's a Zach type who will let us rotate the defence.
Boggy: You mentioned two strikers...
Max: You're so thirsty for transfers, Boggy! I didn't have you pegged as one of those. I almost want to save the news for Brooke to do a whole social media campaign around. Apparently season ticket sales are going slowly. Brooke thinks it's because people can't believe the new stand is actually going to happen. I'm not here to pimp tickets but we're not far off the time when half the people in this room will be on a waiting list the size of this guy's arm-folding muscles.
Boggy: [Clears throat.] The striker?
Max: Right, well, we're selling Foquita, as everyone has known since day one because I told you. That frees an ESC slot which I'm using for a striker from everyone's second favourite club...
Boggy: Tranmere?
Max: Bingo! We're going from a Peruvian sensation to a Brazilian goal bosher.
Boggy: Gabriel? He hasn't boshed many goals, Max.
Max: Wow. Are we doubting him already?
Boggy: No, of course not. I mean... If you think he's good...
Max: Our transfer record goes Christian Fierce at 175, Dazza 250, Duggers 400, Foquita 500. Gabby will cost 800.
[Excited murmur.]
Boggy: What kind of player is he? Didn't Tranmere get him for 400,000 in January?
Max: They did. What kind of player? Let's compare the three guys we will have. Our new mystery striker is fast and absolutely lethal but doesn't get involved in build-up play too much. Dazza is on the other side of the spectrum. Gets involved, helps the team, is less of a natural finisher. Gabby is in the middle. He's strong, good in the air, solid all-rounder. It will be a well-balanced attack with goals for days.
[Applause.]
Boggy: For those who can't see, the man on the front row is very much not folding his arms.
[Laughter.]
[Indistinct shout.]
Max: Did he say Addo?
Boggy: Yes. If you sign Gabriel you can't sign Vincent Addo.
Max: Actually I can because Dazza is on a normal work permit now. We have two free ESC slots. One's for Gabby, the other I'd like to keep in my pocket because I'm going to the World Cup this summer. Who knows what I'll find?
[Excited murmur.]
Vincent has to wait. If it comes to it, six more months in Saltney won't do him any harm.
Boggy: What about the syndicate which financed Addo?
Max: They have to wait. That's the risk. Soz not soz.
[Indistinct shout.]
Boggy: Oh, good point. Max, the squad sounds amazing but please tell us you have a right back to replace Lee Hudson.
Max: Kind of. Probably. Bear with me a second. Magnus can play right back and so can I. Of course I want another one and we have options but I learned a word from Henri. I think you pronounce it comp... row... my... eyes.
Boggy: Compromise.
Max: Right, that's it. See, I know it's annoying that I just say yeah I'm off to Gibraltar bye. Like, I get that not being here for the start of the season could be seen as less than optimal. Heh. So I'm going to compromise on one of my rules. I'm going to loan in a lad to replace me while I'm gone.
Boggy: Oh!
Max: Right. Now, I've actually scouted this player. He's mint. He's actually unbelievable and his club are keen for him to get some minutes. I don't really want to develop players for that club but it's only fair for Chester fans and for Sandra that I give her the best possible tools for the job.
Boggy: If you say the club is Tranmere...
[Big laughs.]
Max: Manchester United.
[Loud, excited murmurs.]
My bro Pedro Porto loves the look of the player but he's like 20 and he has barely had any action. He's a right wing back, attacking right back. He'll do to our right what Duggers does to our left. Absolute carnage, lads, and we won't have to cover his wages. I'm going to meet him properly at the Youth Cup final and we'll have a chat. If that doesn't work out there are other options but yeah, I think if I was a Chester fan that would be the most exciting one. Consider it a bribe to get your vote.
[Chant of Max! Max! Max!]
Boggy: Absolutely deafening! We'll get complaints from the hotel and I love it.
Max: Boggy Boggy Boggy!
[Oi oi oi!]
Boggy: Ha! I feel like I'm on a sugar rush. What's happening? Brazilian strikers, Manchester United wide players. What a time to be a Chester fan! Oh, wait! Max! You want to train coaches and managers to send out into the world and, what, degammonise the world one club at a time? What about Sandra Lane?
Max: You can take my Sandra from my cold, dead hands!
[Feral cheering.]
Boggy: Here she is!
[Sandra Lane's blue and white army! Sandra Lane's blue and white army!]
Max: Give her a mic.
Sandra: Thanks, Boggy. Max, important phone call. I think you should take it.
Max: Right now? It's that urgent?
Sandra: Look who it is. He has been watching the stream.
[Hush.]
Max: I thought I'd gotten rid of that guy.
[Sandra laughs.]
Hey, what's up?
[Footsteps; Max's voice fades away.]
Boggy: While Max is taking that call, please tell us what you think about this shake-up.
Sandra: It's a shame Vimsy's leaving but other than that, I think these are good moves. Max read about Alex Ferguson and how he used to change his coaching staff every couple of years so the players stayed motivated. New ideas, new methods, new motivation. I think Max is trying to stay ahead of it. Stop things getting stale.
Boggy: Not much chance of that around here.
Sandra: No but the principle is sound. In typical Max fashion he has taken that principle and dialled it to eleven. By the way, how funny will it be if we ever play Tranmere? Vimsy won't know who to yell at and Max is already scouting for fake Vimsys. Can I just say something? I can't tell how serious Max is about tonight being an application for the job he's already doing but I know he's too stubborn and proud to remind you of his achievements. We beat Bolton six-one in their gaff. We played Slovakia. We played an actual country! We took Newcastle to pens. Max scored from 60 yards! We shook Man United. The women are incredible, the boys have achieved the impossible, we have more international players than ever. And we’re going to League One!
[Sustained cheers.]
The thing with Max is he doesn't look backwards. He's plotting ahead, looking forward. He knows the strength of our squad and what it will be like in November, in January, in April. He's got it all planned out in forensic detail, down to the exact week he can give player X a pay rise. Nothing escapes his attention. No alarms, no surprises, just complete mastery of... Um...
Boggy: Good news, Max?
Max: Yes and no. We might have to postpone the air-source heat pumps. [He laughs.] Let me think this through. I'm too excited; I can't think straight. We'll need to go deep in at least one cup. The Vans Trophy is at Wembley, isn't it?
Sandra: Yes. Max, don't tease me. Is this... Are you serious?
Max: Yes! He wants in. He wants to be part of something meaningful. He wants to be involved.
Sandra: He's an amazing coach.
Max: Sandra, he's an amazing player! This is... this is bigger than Gabby.
Boggy: Who? Who are you talking about?
Max: A Chester manager with a one hundred percent win record. A defensive coach par excellence and a transformative centre back.
Sandra: Peter fucking Bauer.
[Huge applause.]
Sandra: Listen up, Chester. I'm gonna count to three and you're going to cheer. That will be the signal you have accepted Max's application. After that, the two of us are gonna go somewhere quiet and sign a player-coach contract with Peter Bauer before he changes his mind. All right? One... two... three...