13.11 - St. Well In's Day
11.
Saturday, March 28
Red Army Discord: Always Bet on Best
ButteryCrumpets
All right, lads. Pay attention. Absolutely massive game for Chester today and it looks pretty chaotic in the betting markets. No bugger seems to be able to make head nor tail of it.
On the one hand you've got Chester, third in the table, flying, scoring goals for fun.
You've got Colchester down near the bottom, fighting for their lives, not doing a good job of it. Swindon, Sutton, and Newport look even worse, but it's close.
But Chester are riddled with injuries and players away. They've got twelve fit first-teamers and four of those are twenty or under. From what I can tell, Best will have no choice but to play 3-5-2 with Lyons up top. Would he use himself as a second striker? He hasn't done that very often. And will he start or come on at the end? Knowing that would help a LOT.
Important to know: they have another match against Crewe on Tuesday. They might have Zach Green back for that one but in a rational world this would be either/or. Either you try to beat Colchester or Crewe. Right? And we know that's how he thinks. If he's going to bin off the Colchester match to make sure he wins the local derby, I don't want my money going anywhere near this one.
RetiredRed
He wants to win the league. The only way to do it is to get six points from six. He HAS to beat Colchester.
BrokenGround
RR is right. As far as I can tell, it's being treated as a must-win.
Bonnie told me Best has been working on a motivational video with the production crew. Apparently something happened yesterday that lit a fire up his arse, big time, and he was running around going 'Henri, come and explain Shakespeare to me! Where the fuck's Pascal? He knows this shit. Sophie, help me storyboard this!'
After they wrote the script, Best texted the players to come in bright and early this morning for some filming. They already had to be up at silly o'clock because they're going to Essex but he wanted them even earlier than that.
The whole thing might turn into one of his jokes and we'll find out he's happy to finish third. I say don't place any bets until the video comes out.
Stoop
It's out.
I'll share the link here. Let me watch it real quick though.
Um...
This isn't the right channel.
***
Red Army Discord: Let's All Laugh At Chester
Stoop
<Here's a link> to Max Best's big motivational speech for a match against a team at the bottom of the league.
RetiredRed
Why did you change channel? How bad can it be?
***
INTERIOR: The Sin Bin
[Llewellyn (AKA Well In), Sandra, and Vimsy are standing in front of a flipchart. At the top it says 'players available versus Colchester'. Someone has written thirty names and crossed most of them out.]
WELL IN
I wish we had a few more players.
[The door bursts open. Max storms in, eyes blazing.]
MAX
Who said that? Well In? On your birthday?
No, mate. If we're marked to lose, we're enough to do Chester proud and if to win, the fewer the men, the greater share of honour!
[Max turns and with a seamless transition, he, the coaches, and flipchart are outside, with the Chester men's first team scattered vaguely around. They drift closer as Max orates. Music starts.]
MAX
Wish not for one man more.
I do not crave gold, I don't care who eats my scran, you can borrow my drips if you want.
Such outward things dwell not in my desires.
But if it be a sin to covet glory,
I am the most offending soul alive!
[The team and staff are in a tight huddle, arms around each other. The music swells.]
No, Well In, do not wish one more!
Rather put it out on the socials,
That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart; his passport shall be made
And crowns for convoy put into his manbag.
We would not lose in that man’s company
Who doesn't have the balls to lose with us.
[The camera circles the group. Christian looks fierce. Sandra looks ready to invade France. Vimsy's in tears.]
This day is called the feast of Llewellyn.
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when the day comes round.
He that shall live to see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say ‘Tomorrow is Well In's birthday.’
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars.
And say ‘these wounds I had on Well In's Day.’
[Back to Max. The music is dramatic, stirring, spine-tingling.]
Old men forget. He'll forget everything else,
But he’ll remember with advantages
What feats he did that day.
[Close-ups on shining faces.]
Then shall our names, familiar in his mouth as household words -
Henri the king, the Lees and Christian,
Josh and Duggers, Bark and Bochum,
Be in their flowing cups freshly remembered.
[Close-up on Max.]
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Well In's birthday shall never go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered.
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he today that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother.
***
Stoop
What even was that? Was that from Avengers: Infinity War?
BrokenGround
Henry the Fifth. Bonnie's texting me. Hang on.
Right, so Best was all hyper and he was like 'inject me with some Shakespeare right fucking now' and they came up with that as the perfect speech because it's all about not having the numbers and winning anyway.
The original is all about St. Crispin's Day, Bonnie says, but that's in October. Best was looking for something about March 28th but there's nothing. He wanted something that sounded like Crispin. He goes 'Well In. It's Well In's birthday!' and, well, there you go.
DubaiGuy
Max Best to score first.
Stoop
Are you sure?
DubaiGuy
Max Best to score first.
***
Match 39 of 46: Colchester United versus Chester
Colchester away is one of the longest, most draining trips Chester could have. Four and a half hours - too far for brave Sealbiscuit. We hired a crappy diesel, stuffed it with teenagers, and set off early.
Our entire season came down to this. Outnumbered five to one, fighting far from home, death or glory. Sandra would normally have spent the trip going over and over the line up and checking we had optimised the formation, but today there was no point. 3-5-2 was the only formation that made sense and most of the team picked itself.
I would check the pitch when we arrived but unless it was a total bog, I would pick Swanny in goal. He had CA 86 versus Sticky's 79 and he would allow us to keep the ball. If we could manage our energy levels, we might not even need our subs.
Josh Owens would have to play as the left-sided centre back. It wasn't too much of a stretch for him to do that, and his CA 71 compared well to a lot of the Colchester players. I felt better knowing that Christian Fierce would be beside him. Our CA 93 captain would talk him through the game, and there would be more support from Lee Hudson, now maxed on CA 91.
The midfield from left to right was Duggers (91), Ryan Jack (76), Lee C (90), and Andrew Harrison (72). I would line up as a CM but would probably drop to DM and try to save energy. Stop a couple of attacks, cause a nuisance from set pieces, but otherwise, don't get involved.
As forwards we had Henri (92) and Pascal (90). Henri would lead the line, win headers, overpower centre backs, make runs. Pascal would drop and connect with the midfield - at times it would be 3-6-1. He would also try to anticipate Henri's flick-ons and would try to stretch Colchester's back line.
Yeah, that eleven would be far too much for the home team, but if we got an injury we were in deep doo-doo. Apart from Sticky, the only bench options I trusted were Bark (CA 70) and Dan (66). There was a big drop to Tyson (50), and I really couldn't imagine winning with Lucas Friend (left back), Jamie Brotherhood (right back), or Henk (centre back) spending significant time on the pitch.
If we didn't use the subs, though, we'd be dead on Tuesday.
I needed help. I needed the fans.
***
Boggy: Approaching kick off here in the Colchester Community Stadium and I am a bag of nerves. Max Best is at the away end, riling up the 500 or so who have made the long, arduous journey. Wow! Listen to that!
Spectrum: That is immense.
Boggy: The TV company is flashing up a league table that shows Chester in third place, five points behind Mansfield, who are playing today, and eight points behind Bradford City, who are not. If we beat Colchester and Crewe we will be two points behind Bradford City. What do you make of it, Speckers?
Spectrum: It's just another crazy season. The pressure's building again. Chester are coming to the boil at just the right time. We need to survive today and then anything can happen.
Boggy: Max Best produced an extraordinary video, released about an hour ago, in which he channels Henry the Fifth before the battle of Agincourt.
Spectrum: That's for the fans. The team needs every bit of help it can get but I'm expecting a calm, steady, performance. Lots of possession, very measured attacks, very efficient. Just watch - you won't see any of that blood and thunder stuff.
Boggy: Nearly time, but what's this? Max Best, starting today, wearing our yellow change kit, has jumped over the hoardings and is making his way up the West Stand. Oh, no. Max, no!
Spectrum: It's okay! Look.
Boggy: Ah, what a relief. Max is powering past a lot of very confused fans to see his friends Donnie Wormwood and Don Flash. I wonder what the champion boxers made of the video.
Spectrum: I doubt anyone outside the Chester fanbase has seen it, Boggy.
Boggy: Fair point.
***
Donnie Wormwood was gushing. "Goosebumps, Max. It's easy to get that kind of thing wrong but it got my blood pumping, let me tell you. The U's need three points today but you nearly got me cheering for Chester. That's how good it was."
"Thanks, Donnie."
"Amazing. Just amazing."
Danny Flash was there for some reason. "I liked it, too."
"Don't Grimsby have a match today?"
"I'm suspended."
Donnie grinned. "Tenth booking of the season. He's trying to break a record. Got any advice for him?"
"Yeah," I said. "An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind."
Donnie laughed hard. "You come in peace today, is that it?"
"Max," croaked Don. He was in his wheelchair, a blanket covering his knees. He had aged badly since I last saw him. Very badly. "Max."
I didn't want to look at him, to be honest, but I got as close as I could and took his hand. "I'm here, mate."
"I'm in a bad way," he wheezed. "Docs say I won't make it through another round."
"Fuck," I said. "Chemo? No-one told me."
Donnie bent a little. "Another round like a boxer, Max."
"Oh, right."
"Don does like to get poetic."
Don patted my hand. To think his murder mittens had once been registered as a deadly weapon as a publicity stunt. Now they looked like they wouldn't be able to crack an egg. "This could be my last match as a U, lad. Don't want to go to the ringside seat in the sky knowing..." He coughed pathetically. "Knowing the lads are back on the undercard." He sucked some breath in, an action that seemed to exhaust him. I looked up at Donnie and Danny but they made no move to rescue me. Don stirred. "Max, please," he whispered. "Let us win, Max."
I stared at him; eternity stared back.
A tiny shift from Danny caught my eye; his poker face was failing. "Fuck me," I said, rising to my full height. "You had me going then, you dick!"
Don Flash cackled. "Heh heh."
"If you weren't a hundred years old, I'd batter you."
"I could still have you," said Don. "I've still got the moves, don't you worry."
"You'll want to get down on the pitch," said Donnie. "Kick-off in twenty seconds."
"So?" I said. "I could beat your lot from up here."
"Heh heh," said Don. "Cocky little shit. Heh."
***
Boggy: Colchester get us underway in their blue-and-white tops, white shorts, white socks. Chester are yellow, black, and black. The ball is flung wide right, Chester's left. Josh Owens bodychecks Gilbey, nice play, sweeps the ball back to Ian Swan - ooooh that's a bad tackle. Late tackle from behind. Gilbey crunched into the back of Owens's calf.
Spectrum: Straight red, that.
Boggy: Let's see what the referee does. Annnnnd it's nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Spectrum: Bottled it.
Boggy: Max Best playing peacemaker down there, as the Chester lads go looking for trouble.
***
Taking Josh out of the game was a good plan in theory. He was the youngest, the least able to look after himself, and played a position we couldn't really work around.
When the ref declined to even give Gilbey a yellow card, I kept my cool. The curse was showing me that Josh was all right, and Colchester had showed me how they wanted to play the match.
I behaved beautifully.
***
From The First Footballer in Space: The Pascal Bochum Story.
Gilbey, a Colchester forward went in hard, late, and from behind on Josh Owens. Max went ballistic.
From the outside, he looked calm. He did the things a leader is supposed to do - he got between our hotheads and the oppo, he pushed players away from aggro, he changed our focus from revenge to checking on the well-being of our colleague.
That was all for the benefit of the TV cameras. How do I know? Because all the time he was calling out what he was really thinking:
"Ref's bottled it, lads. It's a free-for-all, lads. Anything goes, lads." He grabbed a bottle of water from Physio Dean, unscrewed the top, fucking drenched himself with it like an offering to the gods, and growled, "Watch how we deal with cowards."
Josh seemed okay to continue, thank Christ, and we took the free kick and passed the ball around the defence and midfield for a minute. The whole time, Max was bent over with his hands on his thighs, watching Gilbey wherever he went.
Duggers hadn't been with us long enough to know what was happening, so he made the stupid mistake of passing the ball to Max. Max tutted - what the fuck are you doing? - but he flicked the ball up and hit it high over to the left. Sort of in the direction of Duggers. You could make a case that he was passing it to Duggers.
I mean, you could.
Honest.
***
Best with a poorly-directed lob.
Gilbey waits for it to come down. He doesn't have many options so will probably turn back towards his own goal.
He controls the ball well...
And is shoulder-barged by Best. Best pushes the ball down the line but the referee has blown his whistle.
Foul to Colchester.
Max Best can't believe it.
***
Boggy: Bit of handbags just in front of us at the minute. From what I could tell, Max Best hit a stray pass, chased it, there was a tussle, Best won the ball, the ref awarded an extremely harsh free kick. Does that sound right?
Spectrum: I'd say you're missing some of the colour, Boggy. When Max Best hits a stray pass that he heroically chases, and the person he's competing with happens to be the same guy who landed a reducer on one of our young players, and that guy ends up crashing into the advertising boards, ah, yeah. Best hit a stray pass and there was a tussle tells part of the story.
The author's narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.
Boggy: Best's stray pass has certainly increased the temperature around here. One or two of the home players - and fans - are not happy.
Spectrum: Why would they be happy? They live in Colchester.
Boggy: Come on, Speckers.
***
Free kick to Colchester. It's aimed into the box. Hudson heads away.
Bochum picks the ball up and dribbles away.
He outpaces several defenders and clips the ball square to Jack.
Dugdale is on the left and the ball is played to his feet.
Best is surging forward, demanding the ball.
Dugdale rolls it into his path...
But Best collides with a defender! That was an unfortunate coming together. Both men are down.
Referee signals play on. The ball rolls to Jack. He passes ahead.
Bochum collects. Neat pass into the centre.
Shot from Lyons!
Saved!
Lyons couldn't get enough purchase on it.
The referee checks on the players who collided. They are still tangled up.
***
Saint Derfel
This prick! Just look at him!
TaranMellt
I don't have a stream. I know you're talking about Best but you need to be more specific, do you follow?
Saint Derfel
Ha, yeah. So he's running around crashing into the Colchester lot. First he knocked the number ten so far off the pitch the guy should have to re-register with FIFA to be allowed back on. Now Best's pretended to 'collide' with a defender, who happens to have been a guy giving Best lip after the first bad foul. Pretending to be trying to control the ball, Best just sprinted full-pace into the lad, wiped them both out. No doubt who came off worse but then when Chester carried on their attack, Best just lay there on top of the guy who, as you can expect, tried to get him off. Best was too big.
Stoop
Sorry, could you say that again but slower?
Saint Derfel
Haha! Okay. The guy tried to beat Best off but Best didn't get off until the referee was watching. Happy now?
Stoop
Yes.
Thanks.
I need a cigarette.
***
A clip from the West Stand taken by Danny Flash in selfie mode and sent to his Instagram Stories.
DANNY FLASH
What do you make of Max Best so far today, granddad?
DON FLASH
Heh heh. He's pissing me off like I can't remember. Heh. I love him.
***
Saint Derfel
Holy shit there's another one! Challenges flying everywhere.
Lee Hudson's tackle is even bigger than Best's. Stoop, are you getting this?
ButteryCrumpets
Either Chester are going to finish with 8 players or this is going to be the biggest slaughter in Colchester since Boudica.
DubaiGuy
The first goal will decide much.
***
Boggy: Mayhem! Carnage! It's non-stop action here in the Colchester Community Stadium. The referee has completely lost control and we're seeing a series of pitched battles. Crunching tackles, shoulder barges, flying elbows, if it's two seconds late it's three seconds early. If Colchester wanted a battle, they've got one. I mark the card ten points to Chester, eight to their opposition, but will anyone be able to land a knockout blow? My worry is fitness. It takes a lot out of you, doesn't it, Speckers? All this aggression, these constant wrestling matches?
Spectrum: It does, yes, so it's obviously not ideal but you know what? Max is really, really clever. He seems to be running around all over the place, launching into tackles, powering into challenges, but we're twenty minutes in and I think I'm right in saying he hasn't done much in the half. I mean, he has put his weight about but...
Boggy: I'm looking at my notes. Yes, he has been involved in the key incidents, he's setting the tone, but he isn't actually covering a lot of ground. I wonder if the TV company will show the running stats? Can you try to get them?
Spectrum: Sorry, Boggy. I'm frozen solid with rage. If I so much as move it might end up in a pitch invasion and Max would hate that.
Boggy: Yes, I understand. Message from the chat. Max Best playing 5D chess by recording a video to get the fans loud which feeds back into him so that the first little foul turns him into a wrecking ball. Yes, perhaps! It was a bad foul, though. Nothing fake about his reaction, I don't think. I assume he would prefer a bloodless, machine-like, routine win.
***
TaranMellt
My scores app says it's still nil-nil. Hard to believe Best is rampaging around and there are no goals yet.
Stoop
He's hanging back, screening the defence. Not actually doing much.
TaranMellt
Hanging back... Screening the defence... Okay, we're clean.
Stoop
Haha. I'm too tense for jokes. I got hyped when DubaiGuy said to bet on Best to score. I piled on and now I'm regretting it. Best's doing his DM thing, not going forward.
TaranMellt
What about possession? Shots?
Stoop
Chester have taken a grip, it looks like to me. Colchester wanted a scrap, Best gave them one, now it's Chester's defence and midfield passing the ball around. Weird thing, they're bypassing Best. It's like he's being man-marked but he's not.
Are they playing for a draw?
If I get the chance to cash out, I think I will.
DubaiGuy
This is not betting advice:
Do not cash out.
***
Pascal
Max wanted me to drop a little deeper. I moved to CAM. Max moved me to right forward, left forward.
I found space all over Colchester, jogged into it, received a pass, pushed it to a colleague. Colchester were constantly scrambling to fill holes. They weren't footballers, they were dentists. The goal was to keep cycling the ball around, to keep frustrating the home team. I would know when it was time to drill, baby drill. Max would show me.
Until then I zipped around doing my job. The cavemen types in England? They do not like to see a small German teach them how to play 'their' game. It is one thing to be overpowered by Max Best in collaboration with the Lees, Christian Fierce, and Henri. It is totally inconceivable for a tiny German to be technically, mentally, and tactically superior. I will admit I put a little extra curry on the wurst. Why? Because as Max would say - it was funny.
***
Max
I was struggling, suffering, felt my limited exertions had already drained me. Magnus had done his best to keep my fitness levels up but if I couldn't run without pain I couldn't replicate what it was like to be a footballer.
He’ll remember with advantages what feats he did that day...
"Yes," I cried, as Lee Contreras took the ball. He rolled it to me and I fizzed it left to Duggers. I ran forward, adjusting to the right as Pascal dropped to offer an option. I anticipated the next few moves and changed direction again, rushing to Pascal's spot.
He took the pass from Duggers, stopped it dead, spun and moved ahead. The move was already unusual but I touched the ball to him earlier than any defenders could comprehend. He was in the space between the full back and a centre back - deadly - and as he dribbled, he changed his running style. It's hard to describe but he got about 70% more German. He slowed, put his hands on the back of his hips, raised his head, and yes, he got arrogant. It was only for a second but it infuriated the CB. Pascal suckered him in, pushed the ball towards goal, let himself get wiped out.
It was crazily brave. He had to know he'd get fucking clattered.
He had very slightly miscalculated in that the foul took place outside the box. Another stride and it would have been a penalty.
***
Pascal
There are free kicks that are as good as penalties. I knew what I was doing.
***
Boggy: Best stands over the ball. Dugdale offers a left-footed option. We've seen this movie before! No way Best is going to let anyone else take this. Not when he's in this kind of mood.
Spectrum: I'm worried he'll kick it straight into the wall.
Boggy: He's quite good, you know.
Spectrum: Heh. Look who's in the wall. It's all players Max has had a run-in with. It wouldn't surprise me if he, er, you know. Gets them in the bits.
Boggy: I hate the way you put these thoughts into my head. I was feeling confident until just now.
Spectrum: Soz.
Boggy: Here we go. Best inhales massively in the style of Cristiano Ronaldo. He eyes the top-right of the goal. He rushes forward... leathers it! The wall... wait, what? [Cheers.] Goal! Goal for Chester! Charlie Dugdale leads the celebrations! Speckers, help me out. Just a moment, ladies and gentlemen. My co-comms is looking for someone to start a fight with. Donnie Wormwood is right there.
Spectrum: I'd batter him. We are Chester! [Lets out an elongated grunt.]
Boggy: Okay, okay. I think Best lined up the shot with his right but he ran over the ball. Dugdale simply knocked it up and over the wall on the left. The wall had already jumped to block Best's shot, the goalie's balance was to the wrong side. Yes, I'm seeing the replay now. It's a lovely strike, a great goal for the neutrals.
***
DubaiGuy
It cannot be.
It cannot be.
I was so sure.
ButteryCrumpets
So was the goalie. That's why he did it.
DubaiGuy
I apologise to everyone who followed my advice. I am distraught.
Stoop
Chin up, mate. Wouldn't be fun if we won all the time.
DubaiGuy
Disagree!
***
Max
The rest of the first half was pretty boring, just how I wanted it. Control the ball, control the space, control the clock. I suppose there was one incident worth mentioning.
***
Boggy: Goal for Chester! Goal for Chester! A delightful move ends with a clinical goal. Spectrum, talk us through it.
Spectrum: [Animalistic grunt. Mumbles yes, get in.] Okay. Owens. Josh Owens brought the ball out of defence, passed to Duggers. Owens went on the overlap, little triangle from Duggers to Ryan to Owens. Lovely. Then a triangle with Duggers at the end, in the half-space. Low cross for Henri to finish, great save from the goalie, ball falls to Bochum who slots home. Two-nil, get wrecked, get stuffed, game over. Game. Over.
***
At half time there were some clashes in the tunnel area. The space was really small and if you have a lot of worked-up warriors you're going to get battles. The Brig was there to put a stop to some of it, but it was obvious the home team weren't going to curl up and die.
I hopped onto the nearest treatment table and let the physios work my legs. I munched on marathon paste and some of the headache abated. When I had some clarity, I went through our data.
We were playing well. Swanny was on 6 out of 10 because he'd had so little to do. The defenders were on 7s, most midfielders 8. Andrew Harrison and Henri were on 6 but that was a quirk of the way the curse rated players. In terms of the eye test, Swanny, Andrew, and Henri were doing well. Contributing.
The Condition scores looked a little less good. Players who normally would have been at 93% fitness were at 89%. Doesn't sound like a lot but every drop came with increased risk of injury and every drop made us less likely to have the energy to beat Crewe on Tuesday.
Ryan Jack would need to come off in 15 minutes or so. At his age, recovery was slower. Would he even be able to play against Crewe? Lee C and Andrew Harrison still had bags of energy, so I could easily take Ryan off, put Bark on the right, and move Andrew into the middle. That wouldn't weaken the team by any noticeable amount. The problem came later. I had Dan Badford on the bench but his favourite position was in the centre of midfield. He could replace me but I knew if I left the pitch Colchester would get a huge burst of energy and Morale.
Dan for Duggers? Made no sense. Dan for Henri or Pascal? No. For a defender? What?
"Dean," I said. "How's Josh?" The curse was telling me Owens had a 'suspected calf injury'.
"Let me check."
I closed my eyes and focused my attention on the massage. There were so many painful spots. Too many.
Dean came back. "He took a nasty blow. Can we rest him?"
"Get him over."
Josh arrived. "Here, boss."
"How's it feel?"
"Fine, boss."
"Come on."
"Yeah, hurts. Nothing's broken but... Deano says it'll inflate like a balloon after the match. I'll be fucked for Tuesday."
"Tuesday," I said. Fucking Tuesday. I pushed into the table so I could lift my head a little. "Right, so this is the decision, isn't it? Do we keep you on and fight for these points today... Or try and hold on to this lead with two defenders, backs to the wall, scrape a win, go again on Tuesday? Win this whole fucking league?"
I lay my head down and forced myself to take a holistic view. The b-boy in me always kept one eye on the health of the Chester brand. The stadium, the mini-bonds, the sponsors. I'd told Foquita and Duggers and Swanny that we were gunning for the title. I'd promised medals. We couldn't let Colchester drag us down to their level, but to get the three points we had to match them punch for punch. The more punches we threw, the less we'd have in our tank against Crewe. If we dialled our combativeness down, we might just find a way to navigate through.
My brain showed me a snide tackle from behind. A sucker punch on a young man trying to find his way in the game. It was the kind of cheap shot that ended careers.
Fuck the Chester brand. Fuck being everyone's second favourite team. I swung my legs from under me and slid off the treatment table. Sandra and Vimsy were nearby, waiting to hear what our approach would be. Henri sensed it was time and waggled his fingers at a conversation until it stopped.
Everyone was looking at me.
Josh clicked his neck to the left and said, in a crisp, clear voice, "Can't back down from the fight, boss. It's St. Well In's Day."
I found my face distorting. I stood and slapped him on the arm. "Well In's birthday." My gaze swept the room. They were ready for anything. "Let's relegate these fuckers."
***
50'
Boggy: Another crunching tackle in midfield! Contreras was wiped out. Colchester move forward - there's Best! That was huge. The first half was a series of pitched battles but this is war. This is all-out war. Chester are not backing down.
Spectrum: [Orgasmic grunt.]
Boggy: The ball's loose on the left. Owens and Gilbey chasing it. Huge tackle! Enormous! Have they hurt themselves? Best is there to recover the ball. He plays it short to Duggers, pulls Owens to his feet. A few choice words for Gilbey from both men. The action moves through Bochum over to Harrison on the right. Best is struggling. Hands on his head, trying to breathe.
***
55'
TaranMellt
What's the latest?
ButteryCrumpets
It's still two-nil to Chester but there's not much football happening. Everyone's flying into tackles like they want to be the first to get sent off. Got to say, it's quite fun. I always liked a good prize fight.
DubaiGuy
I should perhaps keep my opinions to myself but I think there is a twist to come.
***
60'
Change for Chester.
Off goes Ryan Jack. On comes Calabash Barkley.
Colchester are preparing some changes of their own.
***
Pascal
It was not often that I saw Max surprised by a League Two manager, but after an hour of low, snide, thuggery, Colchester put on some fast players, gave up the midfield, and switched to 4-2-4.
Speed and counter-attacks against a technically superior but tiring opponent.
Someone had found a copy of the Max Best playbook.
***
Boggy: Bark with a nice move. He looks a much more accomplished player these days.
Spectrum: He has kicked on, yes.
Boggy: He turns back, exchanges passes with Harrison, moves forward again.
Spectrum: Don't cross from there!
Boggy: Yes, well, he did. It was headed clear before Lyons could do anything with it. Why shouldn't he cross from there, Speckers?
Spectrum: Apart from anything else, he's fresh so he needs to drive forward. If it doesn't lead to anything, at least he made the defenders sprint. Managing our energy is critical, right? That's something I'll have to show him in the Sin Bin. But the angle of the cross wasn't great anyway. Max wants his players to get level with the strikers before they cross - it's much easier to score those headers.
Boggy: I often see Max and Duggers cross from deep.
Spectrum: Right, but they have the ball on a string. Bark has a long way to go until he can -
Boggy: Oh, what's happened? Colchester are streaming forward. There are gaps everywhere! Men over. It goes wide left. Hudson isn't sure what to do. He goes to block the cross - too late - it's over the head of Christian Fierce - back post header GOAL. Colchester have scored! Owens was well-placed but he couldn't stop Gilbey getting the jump on him. It's Colchester 1, Chester 2, and the home fans are jubilant!
Spectrum: Oh, boy.
***
Max
The second-best time to close a stable door is after the horse has bolted.
I switched to 5-3-2 with me playing as a third centre-back and Andrew Harrison at right back.
We blocked off the attack routes and with a midfield of Duggers, Lee C, and Bark, supported by Pascal dropping into the CAM slot, we were neat and tidy and ran the clock down.
***
ButteryCrumpets
75 minutes gone. Not so many tackles flying in. Chester trying to hold onto their lead. They look absolutely shattered. Best is a passenger.
Stoop
He has blocked a few shots.
DubaiGuy
He has achieved that well-known footballing ambition of having more density than a football.
Stoop
You're just mad because he didn't score.
DubaiGuy
It is true.
***
Boggy: Colchester are throwing bodies forward. Can we pick them off on the counter?
Spectrum: Yes.
Boggy: Lot of tired legs out there. Will we see Dan Badford, do you think?
Spectrum: I would throw him on. Maybe Tyson, too.
Boggy: Tyson?
Spectrum: Tyson versus Donnie Wormwood and Don Flash. It's good, right? We need a win or Mansfield will go out of sight.
Boggy: Colchester with another direct ball to the channel. They're targeting Josh Owens, aren't they? He's not dominant in the air and he's knackered.
Spectrum: We're clearing up most of the second balls, though. This is called 'hit and hope'. Hope isn't a strategy.
Boggy: That one bounces out for a Colchester throw. Taken quickly for a change - Owens caught on his heels. Cross whipped in. Swan punches away. Not much distance. Harrison tries to hack clear - spoons it up instead. Ball comes down, partially headed clear. It's very scrappy all of a sudden.
Spectrum: We're spent.
Boggy: Nice footwork from the winger. He's to the byline, thrashes the ball across, turned in, goal! That was far too easy.
***
Danny Flash Insta Story
DANNY FLASH
Yes, get in! Up the U's!
DON FLASH
Up the fucking U's. Let's go!
***
Boggy: Ten minutes to go, ten minutes of non-stop Colchester attacks, I'm sure. How good is a point for Chester?
Spectrum: It's always good to get a point on the board but in this case it doesn't do much. We need threes to keep up with Mansfield and to haul in Bradford but we also need to put distance between us and Fleetwood. A draw today gives us a two-point gap. One point, two points, it doesn't make all that much difference, really. Four points? Now you're talking. That way you can lose to Crewe but if you win the rest of your games, which you will because you've got Foquita and Dazza back, you're promoted.
Boggy: Chester's players are having a hard time picking themselves up from the ground. Henri Lyons is going around, picking them up.
***
Pascal
I found Max sitting near the penalty spot. He had spotted the danger but hadn't got anywhere close to intercepting the cross. It was a minor miracle that he had lasted this long. He had been fuelled by pure spite; even spite has its limits. He was leaning into his knees, clutching his ankles. He smiled at me. "Ever think you'd watch your whole fucking world collapse in Colchester?"
"Sandra wants to bring Dan Badford on."
"For whom?"
"You, I guess."
"Tell her no. Tell her when I said death or glory, I meant it."
I couldn't tell if he was joking but I laughed anyway. I reached out and pulled him to his feet. I signalled to the bench. No changes. I wondered about it. Max had always trusted his subs, trusted his young players. It hadn't always paid off, but why change now? I took a guess. He'd bought into his own script. "St. Well In's Day. The fewer the men, the greater share of honour."
Before he could reply, Henri was there. "Lads," he called. "Men." His normally fluffy, insouciant hair was matted and flat, he had flecks of mud all over his face, but his chest stuck out like a barrel. Max's longest-serving general, I thought. "We go again. Once more unto the breach, dear friends! When the blast of war blows in our ears, then imitate the action of the tiger. Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood." Henri looked at me and nodded. Why? Why me? It clicked.
Henri wasn't the longest-serving general. I was.
I stuck my chest out, too. I punched my palm. "Stand like greyhounds in the slips, straining upon the start. The game's afoot! Follow your spirit, and upon this charge cry 'God for Henri, Chester, and Max Best!'"
"Four two four!" screamed Max, suddenly. "Attack till we drop!"
***
ButteryCrumpets
This is wild.
TaranMellt
What's going on?
RetiredRed
Complete slugfest. End-to-end. Point's no good for either team so they're going all-out for the win.
Chester way better but are exhausted. Colchester working hard but they're crap.
It's just mad.
***
Boggy: Time's running out. A lot of very weary Chester FC employees in this stadium, especially up here in the press box. I'm drained, Speckers.
Spectrum: I know. Nearly done.
Boggy: Get put through the wringer, get caged in the stadium like a bunch of criminals, then five hours home. Why do we do it?
Spectrum: I don't know. This is my last time, though. I can't hack this.
Boggy: You're coming to Crewe on Tuesday.
Spectrum: Wouldn't miss it.
Boggy: One group with boundless energy are the Chester fans. They have made a tremendous racket and the Colchester goals haven't dampened their spirits.
Spectrum: They have been unbelievable. You see it in the players. They keep finding little bits of energy, just enough for the next sprint, the next pass.
Boggy: The next pass is from Swan to Owens. Back to Swan. He had no chance with the goals but this is where he shines, isn't it? His ability to collect the ball and pass it on.
Spectrum: He adds a new dimension.
Boggy: Hudson. Fierce. Swan.
Spectrum: Bradford have bought players who fit the roles of the current players but a bit better. Max has bought players who extend the way we play. He's thinking ahead. There's no point winning the battle if you don't win the war.
Boggy: If you're talking about Dugdale, the ball's on its way to him. Neat trick, down the line he goes. Cross? No! Dribble. Into the penalty area he goes. Majestic. The defender can't foul him! Whips the ball across the face - Henri? - no! It was inches away from the Frenchman's toes!
Spectrum: Ohhhh.
Boggy: Ball's out on the right. Bark first time back in. Goes behind everyone. He might have waited for Henri to get back?
Spectrum: Or Pascal to get forward. He'll learn. They all look pretty stoked. One last burst. You can't blame him for wanting to keep the pressure on.
Boggy: The pressure's back on Chester, though. Eastman powers through the midfield. Harrison slides in; Eastman hurdles the tackle. It's played forward. Choices! They go right. It's Olufemi against Owens. Olufemi burns him for pace. Cross comes in - danger at the back post! Best with a huge leap! He heads it miles!
Spectrum: I think he's done himself a mischief.
Boggy: Er, Swanny's trying to decramp his manager. For one thing, if Best stays there he'll play everyone onside! But the ball's with Contreras. Bochum, neat play. Oh, loose pass. Harrison scampers, gets there. Plays it to Bark - behind him. It's so ragged. Everyone's trying so hard.
Spectrum: I know it's a war but they need to let it happen.
Boggy: Bark dribbles away from goal, puts his foot on the ball. Is he thinking about putting the ball out of play so Best can receive treatment?
Spectrum: He'd better bloody not!
Boggy: Bark on the move again. What's...? He's moving to central midfield. Andrew Harrison's going to the right. And... Henri Lyons is moving wide left. Duggers to the centre, Lee Contreras going to striker. Best is up. He's all right. Moving everyone around, looks like.
Spectrum: And back again!
Boggy: Speckers very excited in the media box. Everyone's out of position, including their markers. Bark drives forward, moves right, Andrew Harrison blocks off a challenge - clever! Bark still going. He crosses low! Keeper kicks clear. Harrison gathers. Left to Contreras. Left to Dugdale. Weak cross headed away. He's flagging. Dugdale again. Takes his time on this one. Cross? No. Simple pass to Bochum. Short pass to Lyons. Best is on the halfway line. He's done. He can't move! He's supposed to be playing right back. The left winger is waving frantically. If Colchester can get the ball to him, Chester are toast!
Spectrum: Sandra's screaming at Andrew to get back but he can't hear. It's too noisy.
Boggy: There's an absolute cacophony from the away fans. They can sense that it all comes down to this.
Spectrum: Death or glory.
Boggy: Owens takes a pass on the left. The Chester fans shout that he should send it into the box. He plays it sensibly to Contreras and shuffles back. Forms a back three. Very mature play from the youngster.
Spectrum: Brilliant.
Boggy: The referee looks at his watch. Here we go. One last push. Harrison. Bark. Harrison. Contreras. Bochum. He slides a pass behind a defender. The defender stumbles, nearly takes Bark down! No penalty. Bark's forced to sort his feet out, has to retreat. He slips it to Harrison. Contreras. Bochum. Patient. Too patient?
Spectrum: We need a runner. We need someone to run. Blast a hole in enemy lines.
Boggy: It won't be Dugdale. All he can do is control the ball, pass it back. Colchester starting to look ragged. They've been pulled like pork. The referee puts his whistle to his lips. Lyons drops to collect the ball, shapes to shoot, plays it to Bark. Runs to the six-yard box! Bark doesn't like his chances, refuses the cross. Lyons, head bobbing, gets back onside. It's Harrison again. It's Contreras again. Lyons drops. This time he'll shoot, surely? Defenders line up to block it. Lyons to Bochum. [Excitement.] Bochum with a little dinked pass! Dugdale with a sight of goal. He pulls it back... [Eruption.] GOAL! Goal for Chester! It's in! It's in! Lyons was out, Bochum was out, Andrew Harrison went in! He was unmarked! A simple side-foot tap in. Limbs in the Chester end. Limbs as Chester players hurl themselves on top of one another. What an end to this match.
Spectrum: Final whistle! The ref blew!
Boggy: Andrew Harrison wins the match with the last kick of the game! Chester have won it at the death! Death and glory! Four points clear of Fleetwood Town. We are going up! There's a mini pitch invasion as jubilant fans surround the Chester players. There's another one over here as physios storm the ramparts. Physios, Llewellyn, Sandra, Vimsy, they're surrounding Max Best, who can't move. He often talks about wanting his players to have to be peeled off the pitch - that's what we've just seen.
Spectrum: They agree with you. The Chester fans. They're chanting 'we are going up'. I think they've realised we aren't going to win the league. We put too much into this match. Max looks gutted. Absolutely gutted.
Boggy: You know what I think about that?
Spectrum: What?
Boggy: I think it's important to put things into context and today the context is that we're amazing, Fleetwood won't catch us, and WE. ARE. GOING UP. SAID WE ARE GOING UP.
Together: WE. ARE. GOING UP. SAID WE ARE GOING UP!
***
Danny Flash Insta Story
DANNY FLASH
They can play, this lot, can't they?
DON FLASH
They're my second favourite team.
DANNY FLASH
Mine's Chester Women.
DON FLASH
Heh heh.
***
ButteryCrumpets
I feel like I've just drunk ten cups of coffee in five minutes. I'm absolutely wired. Buzzing.
Chester as good as in League One. Who would have thought it?
Bloody good achievement.
BeardedWonderwall
That nutjob Best was disappointed at the end. He didn't seriously think they might win the league, did he?
Tell you what, though. Always nice to see a Welsh connection. That Llewellyn was on the pitch at the end. He'll enjoy a few drinks on his birthday after a win like that.
ButteryCrumpets
I'm always going to bloody remember Well In's birthday, aren't I? March 28. St. Well In's Day. That's wedged in my skull pretty good, I reckon!
lol
Suppose it's all right for when he's the Wales manager.
BrokenGround
Yeah, sure. There's only one problem with that.
It's not his birthday. Best made it up.