Chapter 469: Shame And Guilt
DACE
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The cluttered storm in my chest, in my head. It’s overwhelming and the flood of memories that came with it was like a hurricane, weighing in my senses. I can’t breathe, I don’t think I have for the past two minutes. I need something to stop the cold, I feel so fucking cold. Like ice passing through my skin and freezing the organs in my chest. It’s too cold, too cold, too cold.
I scatter around for something, anything that would get me hot or burn me, to feel some kind of heat because my body can’t take it... my aura isn’t working, it’s taking over my body heat like a storm of blazers. I pulled the decanter from the bar, smashing the rest of them to the floor because of my snappiness. I didn’t have time to take a glass so I took it in one go, all of it or even more. It burned my chest but it didn’t stop the cold. It wasn’t just the cold now it was everything going in my head and playing over and over again.
It felt like I was there at that very moment, seeing everything through my beast eyes, the feeling of my paws digging into the ground, the need to kill, the loud pumping of my bloodlust as I chased a prey, the strong urge to destroy, to kill and take anything in my path. The taste of her blood, the feeling of her skin breaking between my sabertooth as I cut her open, there was blood everywhere and the strong urge to vomit was too great hanging in my throat and staying there.
My body shook, trembling from an unknown cold and my beast was going on tremors wanting to break free to get rid of the pain. So I roared not out of anger but out of the pain consuming me whole and making me go insane, I triggered it to the things around me, smashing them, breaking, ripping. It just went on and on, destroying everything in sight as I tried to do something, anything at all to get rid of it but I couldn’t.
I can’t rid myself of this pain, I can’t rid myself of the shame, the guilt swelling and swelling and making me feel like a piece shit, a fucking worthless male.
So I broke in a feat of tears, my teeth clenching, my molars grinding until it hurt, my fist clenching so hard blood dripped. Placing my hand against the wall and then my head, the pounding in my head as that night played over and over again like some haunting record.
I thought I hunted something, killed something after my shift but I was wrong. I hunted Emma, I killed Emma. I fucking killed her!