Heartworm

Cecelia had surprised me not long after we had begun our journey towards Euchust. She had broken away for a moment with a very dismissive “be right back”, before returning to the group with another hare, hunted just for me. Nessyndra quickly whirled her head away from Cecelia as she walked up to the rest of us with the limp animal. Seeing her disgust at the violence towards an innocent animal had sent the same amount of thrumming guilt through my heart as it had done down in Uroro.

“For ruining your breakfast this morning, Bandit.” Cecelia’s patented smirk accompanied her words. I appreciated the sentiment greatly, even though I really didn’t blame her for messing with my breakfast. We were both understandably tense for different reasons.

“Thanks, CiCi. You really didn’t have to.” I replied as the hare changed hands between Cecelia and I. It felt impolite to eat in front of the rest of the belligerent bandits. It was the same reason why I had always taken my food outside of our tent to eat each morning. I couldn’t help but shake the animalistic manner in which I indulged in my food. I assured myself that eventually I would learn to eat my food in a much more respectable manner.

‘Gods forbid a Deathless eat impolitely. I do not understand why this seems to mean so much to humans.’

Until that day, I would continue to do so alone. Or… mostly alone. Cecelia often joined me, just as she was doing now, dropping behind the rest of the group to stay by my side. If I ever ate while we were on the road, I’d stagger myself around thirty feet behind the rest of the group to spare them from the sounds.

“Didn’t have to? Are you sure about that? We passed the hare’s tracks and you didn’t even shoot a glance towards them. Aren’t you supposed to be the most dangerous hunters in the land?” Cecelia teased in a way that I couldn’t possibly admit I enjoyed. Lilith, on the other hand, did not take the teasing so lightly.

‘We are the most dangerous hunters. Tell your petulant little lover that her boastfulness only makes her a more delectable victim for a Deathless.’

You want me to say that to her? I thought you didn’t enjoy watching us get down and dirty?

‘The two of you are the most aggravating recusants I’ve had the displeasure of being imprisoned with.’

“I’m a good hunter! You’ve seen me track down plenty of prey for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.”

“Only because of that cute little button nose of yours. You’re still inexperienced in all of the areas that you can’t lean on your biology as a crutch. Your sense of smell is vital, but it’s pretty much the only thing you use when you hunt. I know Deathless well enough to know how good your eyesight is, yet you miss very obvious animal tracks on the sides of the road.”

‘I despise the words I am about to utter into your adolescent mind. The Life Hunter is right. You do not have years of experience to teach you how to utilize your body in a symphony. Instead, you pick up and play only a single instrument at a time. You debilitate yourself with the inability to focus on multiple strengths at once.’

That’s not true! I’m very observant whenever I have to fight! I was very good at tracking Cecelia when we got to the shore.

‘Desperation is a solution. But you cannot rely on desperate times to be at your peak performance. You must learn to rest at that peak at all times. A vicious hunter is only as strong as their weakest moment. Meaning you are severely lacking.’

I wonder how much better off I would be if I was sharing a mind with a positive, reassuring Deathless. I might actually feel good about myself from time to time.

‘We cannot have that, can we, little morsel?

I could almost hear the smirk in her voice as it echoed through my mind.

“Ester? Hello?” Cecelia’s words rattled through my mind and tore me away from the mental conversation that I was conducting.

“Huh? Oh! What were you saying?”

“See that’s what I’m talking about! You’re never focused. You’ve got an attention deficit that would rival a six year old, I swear.”

“Sorry… I just get a little distracted sometimes. Maybe it’s my anxiety but sometimes it feels like I’m having conversations with myself in my own head about what to do.” It was the closest I could get to telling the truth without actually divulging any details about the demonic passenger I’ve got tagging along with me.

“It’s gonna be a long journey to Euchust, even at a fast pace we won’t get there for around three weeks. With the Empire on high alert for you, it cuts out our ability to use any trains or main roads.” Cecelia was repeating much of what the Bandits and I had discussed earlier in the morning. Our trip would take a while with the necessary precautions that we had to enact. The upside to the lengthy walk we had ahead of us was a chance to breathe. It hadn’t felt like we had much of that ever since my reawakening. The fact that all of this was already discussed this morning made me wonder why Cecelia was bringing it up again now. “Maybe I can give you a couple tips. A couple lessons? I know I already promised you training before…” Her words drifted off into a solemn void of unspoken memories. Talking about Urden might not be the best idea for some time. “...anyway. I promised you some combat training already. I might as well throw in some hunting training as well. That way you can still find some food here if your nose ever gets clogged.”

“I’d love some more training. Your lessons are always appreciated, even when they result in me stabbed in the back by Lucas at the end of them.” I referenced Cecelia’s first ever hunting lessons that she had given me. It had almost felt like a lifetime ago. In some ways, it was multiple lifetimes away counting how many times I had died since then. My own mention of Lucas had caused me to throw my attention back towards Sebil at the front of our group. Cecelia seemed to have a similar idea to me, as she also cast her gaze forwards.

“I’ll make sure to stop any backstabbers next time. You’re only gonna have me to watch out for.” Cecelia teased.

I figured I’d return the favor. “I have to watch you? Say less, Cecelia.” Her warm laugh, and even warmer scent that filled my sinuses gave me a cozy comfort while walking next to her. My mind was still faintly occupied with Sebil, however, so I decided to spend the time eating to listen in on the conversation happening ahead of Cecelia and I. Something which was made substantially easier by my increased hearing. Being Deathless had its perks. Were those perks worth being hunted by the Empire? The jury is still out…

“It’s perfectly reasonable to be averse to it, love.” Sebil’s soft, soothing voice was his greatest tool to comfort others.

“Averse? That word is within the family of words I do not know.”

“It’s like a super strong dislike! Like if I was averse to a terse verse of a curse from a nurse I’d want to reverse my direction and run away to converse with and coerce law enforcement to disburse justice before someone ends up in a hearse!” Phern spoke at a mind boggling pace that truly baffled me. It was so seamless that I suspected she had such a definition and example already memorized from a previous occasion. That, or she had somehow come up with it on the spot. I’m not sure which one unnerves me more.

“I’m not sure that will help Nessyndra understan-” Sebil spoke like you would to a child when you have to explain to them that you cannot hang their drawing up on the wall.

“That makes perfect sense!” Nessyndra replied, casually. Sebil’s bemusement and subsequent slow blink resulted in a warm smile spreading across my face. For a man of reason, the absolute lack of any reason within Phern always left him discombobulated. “I am averse to it. Why I am struggling with these feelings is not my own aversion to it, however. I am unsettled that none of you seem to have an aversion to it. Are all Drylings so amenable to death that it is not even worth acknowledging?”

‘The fish knows amenable, but not averse?’

“I can’t speak for Phern or Cecelia, of course. But I still find it slightly unnerving to witness Ester eating freshly maimed animals. That being said, I hold no issue with it, love.”

“It unsettles you, but you have no issue with it?” Nessyndra cocked her head to the side, a motion that unintentionally led to her ever-pouring crown to splash plenda onto the ground by her webbed feet.

“She has to eat, does she not, love?”

“She does. But while she is required to eat other creatures, the rest of you are not required to, no?” Nessyndra looked between Phern and Sebil, even turning around briefly to look at Cecelia before instantly turning back forward upon catching a glance of me finishing my meal. Her sudden turn away from me made me feel almost shameful for eating. I knew she didn’t mean it that way, but I couldn’t help but think back to my first meal, when I dined on Greg in the dilapidated chapel. There was such an immense shame that followed me from that meal that I had still yet to shake off of my guilt-ladden shoulders.

“We don’t hafta, no. But I’ll still eat meat occasionally.” Phern shrugged. Nessyndra looked from Phern to Sebil, to see if he would have a similar answer for her. Sure enough, he nodded to signal his agreement with Phern.

“But you are not required to… If there is just as much sustenance to be gained through the vegetation of the surface world, why would you ever make that choice? It seems to me as if it is pointlessly cruel.” Nessyndra left both Phern and Sebil awkwardly walking side by side without an answer for the piscine woman.

“What are they talking about up there? It looks like you’re following along but I can’t hear shit from here.”

“They’re talking about carnivores, omnivores, and herbivores.”

“Oh my.”

“Not a topic I particularly want to weigh in on at the moment. I’ve had a hard enough time coming to terms with my new nature, I’d rather not have a discussion about it right now. I still have my… reservations.” In all honesty, I wanted to talk with someone about it eventually. If only to get some of the squirming uncomfortabilities from the inside of my mind to the outside of my mouth in hopes they would stay out there. Lilith felt like the best person to talk to about it, weirdly enough. But I didn’t feel ready for it just yet.

‘Good. I planned on retreating to the recesses of your mind for some rest.’

Rest. A funny thing to call it, but no less apt. It wasn’t truly rest, but having experienced what Lilith was referring to, it was hard to call it by any other name. It felt like pulling away, almost into its own kind of sleep. Sweet dreams, you scary bitch.

‘...’

The lack of a response informed me that she had already pulled away in my mind. What I had meant to be a jestful taunt now felt more like a mean spirited insult without a sassy response from her. Maybe I shouldn’t feel too bad for being rude to Lilith.

“It’s not a conversation I’d want to be in either. I haven’t thought enough about it to have much to say. I kind of just eat whatever is in front of me. It’s not like I had the ability to be culinarily fastidious while living on the streets.” Cecelia joked. Unlike some of her previous jokes that had an underlying tone of sadness in them, this one didn’t. I supposed that particular part of her childhood didn’t bother her as much as others. Was that because she was living on the streets with Phern?

“Culinarily fastidious? That’s the strangest way of saying that you just ate whatever you happened to steal that day.”

“We didn’t steal food that often! I’ll have you know I paid for my fair share of food when I was younger!” Cecelia retorted indignantly, as if to shield herself from what she felt was mild criticism. It wasn’t, truthfully. I had no qualms with the actions that Cecelia and Phern had done to get by when they were younger. To steal a few words from Mr. Partillo, ‘she has to eat, does she not’?

“Paid for with stolen money?” I gently pushed my tongue out of my mouth to tease Cecelia once more.

“You’d better watch that tongue or I’ll beat you with that silver spoon you grew up with. You little minx.” It wasn’t too surprising that Cecelia turned the verbal poking back towards me. I couldn’t think of a witty response off the top of my head, so I simply smiled and kept walking.

It wasn’t long before I took a sledgehammer to the steady silence that accrued while we walked side by side. “Do you have any resentment for me? Because of where I came from?” I couldn’t help but blurt out the question. Cecelia hadn’t made it very subtle when she talked about Varenthell, or what it must have been like for me to grow up there.

“Kind of. It’s a little hard to look at the daughter of royals and not feel some kind of envy. I know it wasn’t exactly sunshine and rainbows for you in the capital but… sometimes it hurts to think about what it would have been like if my parents were still alive and we lived in the safety of the Empire’s shadow. There would have been a lot less day to day danger. We never would have been attacked…” The dreaded hypothetical. I couldn’t blame Cecelia for being sucked into its appetizing maw, but thinking of alternatives to the reality we lived in had only led to more pain for myself. I had been sucked into a dark place from far too many evenings pondering what life could have been like if my parents cared a little more. How much different things would have been if I was born a girl. Vyra wouldn’t have gotten killed if she hadn’t given me some of her clothes.

But none of those futures had come to pass. Much as I would give to go back and alter those events, it was out of my power. Likewise, it was far beyond Cecelia’s capabilities.

“The safety of Varenthell comes with a cost. I was technically ‘safe’ when they had me locked in the basement for a year.”

“Damn… I take it that isn’t the standard curriculum?” Cecelia joked. I could tell by the softness of her expression that her joke wasn’t meant to diminish anything.

“No. They saved the extra special learning plan for me. It’s like I won a lottery, but they gave me a conversion course of corrective behavior instead of money.”

“Hmm. Seems like a pretty shit lottery. Maybe turn it down the next time your number comes up, yeah?” Cecelia smirked. I couldn’t help but indulge her with a laugh of my own. She had a way of making the heavy topics seem light enough to drift away from my mind altogether. It was entertaining to imagine Cecelia purchasing lottery tickets at a young age, if they even had them in the smaller towns of Kistram. The more I think about it, they seem like a very Varenthell exclusive practice.

“You’re just jealous that the entire Empire wants my ass right now.” I rolled my eyes at her. With my breakfast finished, we could rejoin the rest of the group soon. Though I wasn’t sure how much I actually wanted to at this rate. Getting to banter with Cecelia was something I sorely missed since we walked along the edge of the Uroro lake for days.

“Maybe I am jealous. You don’t have nearly enough ass to share with the Empire, so I think it’s only fair that it stays here with me.”

“Oh my Gods, CiCi! Can you just stuff it already?” I snapped back with a growing blush plastered across my cheeks.

“Your ass? The other Bandits aren’t far, Ester, but I respect your efforts nonetheless.” Cecelia slithered the words out through her conniving grin.

“CECELIA!” I couldn’t stop my indignant response to her teasing.

“Are you alright, loves?” Sebil immediately shifted into a running pace as he rushed up to the two of us with Phern and Nessyndra close in tow. “Is she okay? Did something happen?”

“I’m fine. Thank you, Sebil. Ester is just struggling to think of her words before she says them, that’s all.” I wanted to refute Cecelia’s words, but there wasn’t much I could say without clarifying more about the situation and embarrassing myself.

“It’s fine, you guys. Thanks for checking up on us. I’m done with breakfast anyway, so we can walk together again.” I got a few strange glances from Sebil and Nessyndra, but judging by their faces, they were relatively unaware of why I was so vague. Phern on the other hand… She was shooting me the nastiest smirk she could manage while looking back and forth between Cecelia and I. Clearly she knew CiCi well enough to know the type of teasing that led to this reaction. I let her soak up her fair share of ‘ooo’s and ‘ahhhh’s when we started walking along the forest trail once more. It would end soon enough, I was sure.

* * * * *

“Whadja say?” Phern had placed herself directly in front of me as we walked. I was truly amazed how proficiently she walked backwards without ever checking behind her or tripping on rocks or branches.

“It was nothing, Phern.”

“That’s what you said the last seventy two times, Ester. I know it’s not true so we’ll try this one more time. Whadja say?” Much to my chagrin, Phern had continued her interrogation of me for the past few hours of walking, without a care for the three other Bandits nearby that had to listen to her incessant questioning. Cecelia was having the time of her life listening along, while Sebil and Nessyndra were growing increasingly restless.

“Phern, I didn’t even say anything to-”

“Ester, could you please just inform Phern of the unknowable words so that she stops talking? My ears are begging to be released from my body so that they may run away.” Nessyndra did her best to plead with me. When I looked over towards her, I could see that Sebil was just as desperate. He even mouthed mercies towards me to get me to just tell Phern what she wanted to know. Gods be damned, Phern would find a way to be on the inside of an inside joke, if it was the last thing she did.

“Fuck, fine! Phern…” I motioned for her to lean in towards me so that I could whisper the words. I doubted it would do much, since she would almost certainly repeat the words aloud, but I felt like I had to try.

Gods help me.