Heartworm

“So… Lucas, right? Can I ask how you’re holding up now that you’re awake?”

The fiendish Deathless, along with the blonde Life Hunter, had just left the aged inn room to speak alone. Which left me tied up against the wall with the man that electrocuted me during my fight with the Life Hunter crouched before me. He ‘looked’ strange to my senses. With my eyes sacrificed to Inthenia, I could only see using the blessing bestowed upon me from the Privileged God herself. It meant that the man before me, Sebil Partillo as he had introduced himself, was covered in strange outlines which seemed to creak and click as he moved around. I was almost concerned that I was face to face with some mechanical automaton as opposed to a person.

“How exactly do you think I’m holding up? I’m tied up in a fucking inn with a splitting headache talking to a metal man.”

“I- Apologies, I’m not familiar with your method of sight. Do I appear to be made of metal to you, love?”

“Do not call me love. You sound as though you are made of metal, and your form is rife with machinery.”

“Oh, yes. Well I am an inventor, and I opt to keep my inventions close to heart to prevent thievery and damage.”

“Metal man is a good nickname though!!! I need to use that!” A voice piped up from the back of the room. I could see the outline of the familiar menace I met outside of the church. Insufferable pitch and all.

“As I said before, my sister will be here shortly, and you will all meet a swift death unless you surrender yourselves now.”

“Yes, you mentioned.” Sebil gave a soft laugh, as if he was humored by my threat. He must have heaps of arrogance to believe he can escape the pursuit of the Empire. “You talk of the Empire a lot. Is the Empire and their goals all you have room for in your heart, Lucas?”

* * * * *

“Is the Empire all that matters to you, Lucas?” Ester spoke. Choked, might be a better word for it, as she spat out a concerning amount of blood from her mouth. I could see it all play out behind me as I continued to row the boat back towards the dock of Urden.

“What do you care, beast? I doubt much matters to you aside from your daily feast of flesh.” I replied, keeping my head turned away from the Deathless.

“You don’t believe that. Not really.” Ester paused between her words, either to think of what to say next, or to take a deep breath of air through her ragged lungs. I couldn’t tell which was more accurate. “You let me help Cecelia. You know I care. Hell, I’ve saved your life two times. Neither of those have to do with my evening meals, do they?”

“I imagine you regret your foolish choice to preserve my life now, beast.”

“No. Yes? I’m still deciding, actually.”

“Your imminent death is on the dock I row towards. You should decide quickly, before you lose the chance to.”

“I don’t regret saving you, Lucas. You’re an asshole, you’ve got enough prejudice to sink our boat, and the Empire’s leash is all too visible around your neck.”

“...and?”

“That’s it.”

I grumbled and put more force into rowing the small boat than before. The beast was as insufferable as ever. Her death grew closer with row, yet she still felt as though jokes were appropriate.

“What was the point of bringing it up, then? Does one last jab at your executioner make you feel better?”

“Because I was all of those things, Lucas.”

“Of course, Baehevar reincarnated was a loyal follower of the Empire. I wish you would be serious with me, even for a moment.” I spat back at the Deathless.

“I am serious. I don’t think you realize just how alike we are, Lucas.”

* * * * *

“We’re more alike than you think, Lucas.” Sebil gave a mirthful chortle as he passed over a small cup of tea towards me. It was a strange miracle that the old estate we found ourselves in had such pleasant tea after being abandoned for so long. The estate was hidden away to avoid the prying eyes of the Empire, no doubt. Despite its blasphemous existence, it was not the worst stay. I still had magical restraints latched to my wrists, sure, but the privacy of the rooms at the estate meant that I could spend time away from the rest of the group. It was just Sebil and I in the room, and while he was among the enemy, he was… far more bearable than the rest. He was determined to offer small gestures of kindness towards me, something which I appreciated once I had gotten past thinking it was all a trick.

It had gone on too long for it to simply be a cheap tactic to gain my trust. With the conversations we shared on the walk up to this estate, I was starting to feel like I might be able to save him from the rest. He was deluded, sure, but he remained a kind and conscious individual. One who could surely be brought back into the Empire’s light with enough guidance.

“What makes you say that?” I replied, taking the offered teacup with my hands. Drinking with restraints around my wrists was difficult, but I managed regardless.

“You care about people. I care about people. That feels like a good through-line to start with.”

“Seems a little broad, Sebil.”

“Broad, but true. I saw the way that you worked to save the people of Thrum. I still believe you operate under a strict black and white, but your aspirations of protecting the innocent are admirable, love.”

“Sebil, what have I said?”

“Oh, yes. I’ll refrain from calling you love. It’s a habit, Lucas. Sometimes I don’t even notice.”

“It’s fine…” The tea was hot, but that was always how I appreciated it. Something about the dangerous dance between the liquid being too hot and too cold was entertaining. It felt more than just a beverage in that middle ground. Once it was cool enough to drink normally, it was just another drink. While it was nestled in the middle ground, just hot enough you couldn’t have too much, but not too hot that a small sip would burn, it was perfect. “You say helping the innocent is admirable, yet you assist a group in destroying the Empire itself. Do you understand how many lives will be lost if the Empire crumbles apart under Baehevar’s reign?”

“This again, Lucas? I have told you many times that no such thing is going to happen. Do you truly believe that our resident Deathless is Baehevar reincarnated? Xavier lacks all of the traits of the warmonger you believe him to be.”

“Deathless are deceptive. Slippery animals of deceit that will play any role that allows them to reach their goals. The Empire has taught me all I need to know about them.”

“But what do you think of them? Of Xavier? You always talk about what the Empire wants, what the Empire has told you, what the Empire needs! I have never once felt like I have heard what you think, sans Empire.” Sebil took a sip of his own tea once he had finished speaking. I preferred when our discussions avoided this topic. Everytime this conversation came up between us, it felt a sour taste in my mouth that didn’t compliment the tea I drank. A twisting root of uncertainty would writhe its way through my gut. It went against everything that I had been taught.

“It doesn’t matter what I think, Sebil. I am-”

“-devoted to the Empire, body and soul. You’ve told me before.” Sebil drew away from me for an uncomfortable few minutes. The two of us drank our tea in relative silence, my non-existent eyes tracing over the outline of the room with all of its details. The deliberate patterns carved into the walls, the grain of the wood on the ceiling above, with the blank wall that sat still as ever behind me. Sebil had told me that there was a painting across the wall, but since it lacked any texture that I could see, the wall looked entirely blank to me. Like every other drawing I had ‘seen’ in my life, I needed to rely on what others told me the drawing looked like. Believing in what others told me of the world I couldn’t see was natural to me. A necessity of the sacrifice I took for the life of devotion that I lived.

“I wish you would listen to your heart, Lucas.” Sebil broke the silence once he had finished his cup of tea and set it on the short table between us.

* * * * *

“I wish you would think for yourself, Lucas.” Ester spoke, the soft click from her chest telling me that her bones had begun to repair and reset. It was a reminder of how different we were, despite her urges that we were similar. I could not sit and reset bones as I spoke. I was not a monster like she was. Monster though she was, I was only alive due to her intervention. Perhaps I could entertain one of her last conversations.

“You expect me to believe we are at all alike?” I spoke loud enough that my words could be heard over the pouring rain that continued overhead.

“I do. You were raised in Varenthell, were you not?”

“I was. I know that you attended the academy there in your supposed ‘past life’.”

“Right. I think the both of us were fed the same lies growing up. Lies that I have come to unravel lately. Ones that I suspect you have come to question in the past few days.”

Lies. Blasphemy, once more. They are instructional teachings of Varenthell. Of the Empire. They are resolute and foundational concepts that every loyal member of the Empire must hold themselves to. Treating them as lies is just another indicator that the Deathless means to trick me. I know the influence has affected me. I have questioned those crucial tenets more in the past few days than I have ever questioned them in my lifetime.

“I’ll take your hesitation as confirmation. It hurt to break away, Lucas. Understanding that all you’ve ever known, all you’ve been taught throughout your life is a lie is tremendously painful. But it’s something that you need-”

“-STOP!” I yelled, loud enough to silence the woman and leave only the pittering of rain in the wake of our conversation. “You don’t understand what I have been through. What I have lost to stay loyal to the Empire.”

“Try me.”

“I have no reason to tell you. You were a student at Varenthell, a scholar at the most prestigious academy in Kistram. You lived a life of luxury. You couldn’t even begin to understand.”

“Luxury?! That academy had me imprisoned! I lost my best- my girlfriend there!”

Though my head made no movement towards Ester, I turned my focus towards where she sat behind me. The magic that flowed inside of her body pulsed and flickered like an eager flame. I wasn’t nearly as good as Laia was with reading emotions through a person’s magic, but I knew enough to understand there was genuine emotion behind her words. A raw kind of pain that shone through the outburst. Perhaps there was more to this beat- to Ester, than I had expected.

“I was accused of all sorts of demonic behaviour, all for who I was, Lucas. I meant it when I said that we are alike. I see that same pain in you. The fear of the hand that strikes, the kind of fear that makes you lean into the judgement rather than turn away from it. It hurts less if you relent and follow the Empire. I know I did. I became loyal to the very people that had me imprisoned all because I thought I’d be better off if I obeyed! It might have hurt less in the moment, Lucas. But it tore me apart in the long run. It eats away at you, peeling you apart from the inside out until you’re just a hollow shell of a person.”

I couldn’t speak. I didn’t dare respond, for I had no words that could refute what I heard. I felt disgusting. The way that Ester had seemingly reached into my heart to pull out the very wretched feelings I had stashed away. I felt exposed, like I was in danger of being seen. I didn’t want to be seen in that way. I didn’t want to be seen as that again.

* * * * *

“...what?”

“I’m sorry! I fucked up, but we need to go! If you come with me, I can get you out of Urden before they find you.”

“YOU BROUGHT LAIA?!” That was the first time Sebil had ever yelled at me with such force. His voice made my hand tighten, and my magic welled up from within as if I expected a fight. Sebil wouldn’t attack me, would he? I had never seen such pain across his face before, the outline of his features twisted into an uncomfortable display of anger.

“Just for the beast!” I had relayed my actions to Sebil moments prior. About how I had inscribed magic onto the pebbles as we walked. It was the only way that I could ensure Laia knew Ester’s plan. When we had gotten to the fishing hut to meet the disguised Laia, she had etched her plan into the notepad for me to see, a trick that we had been using since we were kids. A sort of invisible writing that could only be seen if you knew exactly how to look for the magic trail it left behind. Despite me telling Laia through the notes I left that it was only to catch the beast, and no one else, the response in the fishing hut betrayed my intentions. ‘They are all traitors to the Empire, and will be dealt with as such’, she wrote. I was acting out of fear when I pulled Sebil aside for a chat. I might have been able to negotiate for the freedom of the group after their capture, but I would not risk the safety of Sebil. He had done far too much for me in the time we traveled together. I loved him far too much to put him in danger.

“YOU THINK SHE’LL STOP AT ESTER?” Sebil shouted at me once more, and I took another step away from the suddenly intimidating presence of Sebil. What was usually a safe and comforting presence was cold and rigid. “Fuck, Lucas! Have you learned nothing in your time with us? She isn’t a walking apocalypse! Your own sister has threatened more innocent lives than Ester has!”

“The Empire says she’s a threat! I have to trust that they know right!”

“WHY?! Because if you question it at all and peek behind the veil you won’t like what you see?”

“I’m trying to save people! I don’t want to have deaths on my conscience, Sebil!”

“Then you’d better hope your lunatic sister doesn’t kill anyone, love. Shit… I need to get back to the rest of the group.” Sebil turned away from me and started to run down the small street to get back towards the docks. The final ‘love’ he said to me stung like the kiss of hot iron on my skin. I had let him start using that word again only this morning. I wish I had never had that conversation now.

Once I had gathered myself from the shock of Sebil’s outburst, I raced to catch up with him. By the time I reached him, it was just in time to see the events unfold near the edge of the docks by the fishing hut. Laia, wreathed in a magical disguise, and a dagger sinking into the chest of Cecelia. I told her to ignore the rest. I left notes saying that the trap was only to catch the Deathless. This wasn’t part of the plan. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

* * * * *

I stopped rowing. We weren’t far from the docks, where I knew my sister writhed in wait. She was hurt, sure. But a part of me was confident she would make it. She had more determination than anyone that I had ever met. There was a fierce fight for survival that beat in her chest, refusing to die until she was satisfied with her life.

I wasn’t entirely sure why I was doing it, but I turned around to face the tied up Deathless. I began to take my shirt off, exposing skin that had rarely been shown to anyone before. Hidden away with a heaping of shame that danced across the back of my mind at all moments. A secret I kept hidden out of shame more than necessity. I laid bare my skin before the Deathless, only clothed from the waist down by the rest of my garments.

“...oh shit. You’re a Bestille? I… I don’t understand, I thought the Empire hated Bestille?”

“They do.” I was pleasantly surprised that Ester seemed to know of my race. I supposed it made some sense, coming from a Varenthell education. The markings of Bestille are easy enough to identify if you knew what they were. The thick, almost scar-like lines that traced around my stomach, bulging around half an inch out from my skin, glowing a sickly white through each of the vein-like structures. Bestille were not common. Not anymore at least. They were deemed a heretical race, a mistake of the Gods, some kind of unintentional product during the creation of new races. The Empire claimed they were of demon-kind, despite no such claim ever being verified. As such, most Bestille were exiled from the Empire, viewed as a sickness to be rid off for the health of Kistram.

“My sister and I were born Bestille inside of the capital. It was through the pleading of our father that we were not immediately exiled. He claimed we could be saved by the light of Inthenia, as many other Bestille had been.” Bestille were an anomaly, resulting from non-Bestille parents at frighteningly low rates. Our parents were just as shocked as the Empire to discover how their twins had been born heretics.

“As many others? I haven’t read anything about Bestille serving under the Empire.”

“Rightly so. We are an invisible race to the Empire. Given the choice to be exiled, or to serve as Marked, the most devoted of the Empire’s subjects. Obviously, living as a Marked is preferable. I was saved by the light of Inthenia. Despite being born a blight, my sister and I were given the gracious opportunity to serve Inthenia as the highest devotees in Kistram.”

“You mean many other Marked are Bestille as well? They just have to hide their nature out of shame for what it means to the Empire to employ your kind? That’s awful!”

“It is not. It’s a gift. I was born as a demonic race, but given the blessed opportunity to redeem myself! It’s why I want to believe people can be saved. Why they must be saved. I want others to have that same opportunity.”

“Why do you have to redeem yourself for things you have never done! What could a Bestille child have possibly done wrong to require redemption?”

“I didn’t- It’s about what I could have done. I was saved by the Empire. I owe my life to the Empire. That's why I need to do this.” I urged, wrapping myself back up in my clothing to hide the squirming lines of white light that identified me as a damned race.

“I was called a freak for wanting to be a girl. For being Soulspoken, or transgender, whichever you want to call it. The Empire labeled that part of me as demonic, an influence from another person when it was just me. I’m not a freak, Lucas. I’m just Ester.”

“I-That’s not what I’m-”

“Do you think I’m a freak for wanting to be a girl? For being the person I knew I always was?”

“No- I don’t think you are but that’s-”

“You’re so close, Lucas! I know you have the same doubts I had! I know you fear the same reality crushing epiphany! It hurts, Lucas. Gods, it hurts more than any death I’ve gone through. But it’s what it takes to live!”

“I need to do this, Ester. I’ve given everything to the Empire. My eyes, my childhood, my servitude. It means nothing if I betray them now! I would lose EVERYTHING!”

“You’d be killing a lie, Lucas! Severing the bonds to an Empire that’s ashamed of you! You deserve to live as yourself, not hiding your flesh from your eyes like it’s a sin you committed before birth!”

“No. No I can’t. My sister… I can’t leave my sister. I can’t.”

I was truly shocked that the Deathless refrained from pushing any further with her words when I moved to hold my head in my hands. I wrapped my body around my face and held my knees to my chest. The ebb and flow of the boat didn’t help my sense of dizziness. It was far too much to consider at one time, it felt like I had already sunk to the bottom of the lake in my self doubt.

“Why did you save me?” I finally let the words out of my mouth, still holding my knees to my chest.

“Because I saw someone fighting against themselves, ashamed of all they wanted to be. I was that person, when someone took a chance on me. A girl named Vyra worked her ass off just to get me to stop hating myself. Maybe it's pity, maybe it’s a chance to pass it on. But you seem like you need someone like that.”

“You know I can’t let you go.”

“...I know.”

“But if you escaped on your own? I’m not sure there’s much I could do about that.” I spoke softly, standing up from my side of the boat to move towards Ester’s side.

“Oh…” Ester turned her head to the side as I neared her. I could almost see the outline of a lightbulb flash above her head as her eyes widened. “Oh!”

I grabbed the ropes that bound the Deathless and pushed her back towards the edge of the boat she sat near. Her body hung just over the edge, the hand I had wrapped around the end of the rope being the only thing suspending her above the water.

“Why don’t you come with us?” Ester spoke between rapid breaths.

“Too late. I already fucked it up. You had better run fast, rabbit. You wouldn’t want me to catch up and find you again. I can’t accidentally let you escape again.”

“Uh… the ropes? Can you at least cut me loose before throwing me overboard?! I’d rather not drown!”

“You’re a Deathless. You’ll be fine. Tell Sebil I’m sorry if you see him. I know it isn’t worth much, but he should know I listened to my heart, at least once.” Before Ester got a chance to respond, I let go of the rope and dropped the Deathless into the water below. It was just me now. In an empty boat full of rainwater and regret. I wasn’t sure how I would even begin to face the wrath of my sister when I told her that Ester had gotten away.