Heartworm

‘-which is why you need to dispel those thoughts, little morsel.’

I’m trying, Lilith! Just let me do it again, it’ll be different this time.

“Is that-”

“Nose is normal, ears are as floppy as ever.” Cecelia interrupted me to give me the rundown on how I looked. We were almost into Urden, and I could tell that Cecelia was growing more and more concerned with each passing minute. She had urged the rest of the Bandits to trust me and allow me to try to figure out the disguise on my own. Unfortunately, this was all very new to me, and when I had told the group I could disguise my features, I had done so with far more confidence than I actually had.

I had listened to Lilith’s brief lesson over the course of a few minutes, as I lightly slowed my walking pace to allow me some more time to digest the information. She had told me all about how disguise magic was supposed to work for Deathless. Given that it was still innate magic, it relied on the understanding and the manipulation of emotions to reach an end result. Lilith had been trying to teach me, in her own blunt and obtuse way. She was not really the best teacher-

‘Far better than any of the writhing sacks of saggy flesh you learned from in Varenthell’

But her teachings were sort of making sense. Sort of. She had told me that the key to understanding how to utilize this kind of disguise magic relied on self perception, and the feeling of comfort in one’s appearance. Apparently the reason that Lilith had rarely bothered herself with disguise magic was because she preferred the way she looked in her true form to a kind of ‘human’ form. It didn’t feel like her, which is why it supposedly took centuries to become comfortable with disguising herself.

‘You are adjusted to viewing yourself as a human, little morsel. This should not be difficult.’

I’m used to viewing myself as a human, but not exactly a human that looks like this. I’ve barely had time to adjust to how I look now.

‘Then adjust. But please do so within the next three minutes.’

“Can I have a mirror or something? I feel like it would be easier if I could just look at myself.” I asked Cecelia, growing increasingly aware of our distance to Urden, and the people within that might not take kindly to a woman with black leathery ears and nose, with bright red eyes to boot.

“Sure, but if you can’t figure this out soon I’m throwing a sack over your head or something.” It sounded like Cecelia was joking, but the both of us knew it very well might come down to that if I couldn’t manage to hide my features. “Use my Dahlia.” Cecelia unlatched one of the small metallic circles on her belt before extending the contraption into a shield, much like she had on the first night that I met her. After she had killed me, of course.

“Dahlia? Is that what you call them?” I asked, taking the shield and holding it out in front of me to gaze into my reflection.

“That’s what they’re called, yes. I didn’t name them. The person who made them knew what they were doing, so I stuck with the name they used.” Cecelia shrugged as she spoke of the strange contraptions and their creator. Another time I would need to ask about the devices and their origin. They were incredible little things, and I certainly wouldn’t mind having a trinket or two from the same creator.

It was unsettling and comforting at the same time to look into the eyes of my reflection. Blood red eyes, that felt like they could pierce right through flesh with a furious gaze. My nose was black, and looked canine in nature, like you’d taken the nose straight from a dog and replaced my own nose with it. It was somewhat strange, given that the rest of my face looked mostly human still, but I couldn’t help but feel like I agreed with Cecelia when she called the feature cute. The same went for the ears. It was strange, incredibly so, to have two sets of ears at the current moment. I wasn’t sure if this was an in-between phase, where the longer my changes continued, the more the floppy ears would replace my regular human ones or not. I couldn't be certain for now as I looked at the floppy ears that protruded from the hair on my head. They were ever so slightly fuzzy, in the way that indicated the texture would most likely change more as they continued to grow. Put together, the visage before me was one that was hard to even call myself. Yet it was. The sight before me isn’t the Ester I remember seeing in the mirror of Vyra’s dorm room. I wondered if she would like me more or less as I look now.

With my reflection before me, it was a lot easier to imagine what I wanted to look like. I wanted to look like this, but without the animalistic features that would immediately give me away. I closed my eyes, and conjured the image of myself in my head that I had just seen in the reflection of the shield. Like Lilith had instructed during her ‘pop quiz’ I focused on an inner perception of myself, and let it take the forefront of my mind. Crucially, as Lilith had made sure to say over and over, I needed to view the image as myself, and not an alteration of myself. I didn’t need to look like this image, I was this image. I continued those thoughts as I let the odd sensation of magic run through my body like rivulets coursing their way down a mountain.

The sensation of utilizing magic was just as thrilling now as it was the previous times I had performed magic. A reminder that I was more than I had been in Varenthell. I was no longer dormant, having awakened as a Deathless, a being of immense innate magic. It felt like just another indicator that I was no longer Xavier. I was Ester, and I had left him behind.

“Oh. Oh! Hey there you go, bookworm!” Cecelia cheered, and I opened my eyes at the sound. The reflection before me was odd. It was almost like I was back in Vyra’s dorm room. I was looking at a woman very much like myself. The only key differences were the lack of distinctive animal-like features, and the reappearance of my green eyes.

“Hah! Let’s fucking go! I’m the best fucking magic user in all of Kistram and the Gods can suck my-”

“Okay, Ester, let’s take it down a couple notches. We don’t want the fishing village to get a crass first impression of you, yeah?” Cecelia seemed to be just as excited as me, even though she was knocking me down a peg at that moment. Her smile was one of pride, something which pulled at some heartstrings in my chest.

“Are we able to enter Urden now, love?” Sebil asked, taking a few scant glances in the direction that we had come from. He seemed just as worried as the rest of us that we were somehow walking into a trap despite keeping a steady pace throughout the past few days.

“Let’s make like Snufflebeads and Tumbleweeds and roll into town!!!” Phern cheered, pressing on towards the fishing village in front of all of us. With the eccentric woman at the forefront of our group of Bandits, we trudged into town, hoping that even with the sun soon dipping across the horizon we could catch a ride before nightfall.

It was quiet as we crossed the boundary into the village. It was a small place, so perhaps it was just a quiet part of the day? Our first stop, and hopefully only stop, was the docks. From the size of the village, it shouldn’t take long at all to reach the docks if we wandered towards the lake side of the village. Each member of the group seemed excited to finally catch a break. To get some relief from the constant walking of the past few days and relax on a vessel for around two days. Each member apart from Lucas of course. He trudged on with a grim expression, the same as always. I desperately wanted to know what thoughts danced behind his eyes. The last time we had really spoken to each other was when I allowed him to beat me senseless in hopes it would knock some sense into him.

“I need not eyes to see the way that you look at me, beast. What are you concerned about now?”

“Well for one, I’d refrain from calling me a beast within civilization. Apart from that, I’m cautious of the attention a Marked might bring to our group.”

“Suddenly rethinking the concept of holding a Marked as hostage? Is your foolish plan causing some concern? Perhaps you could tell a passerby that your group is called the Belligerent Bandits, maybe then they would feel calmer?” Lucas spoke with a heavy dollop of sarcasm in his tone, as he always did.

“Why would I be concerned? We’re about to have two days on a boat. I’m clearly becoming more capable with magic. 48 hours seems like plenty of time to take a peek into that mind of yours and figure out what the Empire wants to hide so bad, no?”

“That is the kind of confidence befit only of Baehevar. Arrogance beyond belief, capable of pulling the Empire into strife with your ambition.”

“The same arrogance that caused me to save you in the stables? Or was it the arrogance that made me pull you away from imminent decapitation from the hands of your sister. I can’t seem to figure out which one was the gross arrogance you’re speaking of.” I spoke with my own hefty dose of sarcasm now, twisting his words against him.

“Hmpf. How am I to know the cruel machinations of Baehevar’s mind? You surely had a reason to pull me along. You said it yourself. You still need what’s in my mind.” Lucas huffed out a response to me. There was a slight hesitation in his voice as he shot back this final time. It almost sounded like he was attempting to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me.

We had arrived at the docks as the sun was setting. I only hoped it wasn’t too late to secure some sort of passage. I could see a few boats that were currently docked, and there was only one way to find out if they were willing to depart immediately. Cecelia took the lead as she walked up to the small hut that stood on the edge of the docks. She most likely knew the most about this topic, and she certainly knew how to get what she wanted when she needed it.

“Excuse me, sir. We’re a group of adventurers, we seemed to have gotten lost navigating Uroro. We were meant to travel to the Northern edge, but we seemed to have gotten stuck on the Southern edge while going around the lake. Is there any chance that we could get passage across the lake immediately? It’s a matter of utmost urgency.” Cecelia spoke far more politely than she usually did. I wondered if this was how she seemed to act when she wanted something from a stranger. She definitely hadn’t been this nice and cordial to me when we had first met. Though I suppose in retrospect she had expected to find a Deathless there, and cordial wasn’t exactly habitual for Deathless.

‘Oh please. I can be cordial.’

Can you?

‘I’ve done it a handful of times, little morsel.’

In 500 years, you have been cordial a ‘handful’ of times? Gods that’s damning.

“I’ll see what I can do tomorrow, dear. There are a few fisherman that might be willing to take you.” The old man replied, lazily scrawling at a piece of parchment before him.

‘Inthenia’s asshole, what is that smell?’

He’s old, Lillith. Old people just have that kind of smell, y’know?

‘There is a foul stench about him.’

He’s a fisherman, Lilith. Fishermen just have that kind of smell as well.

“Tomorrow? I’m sorry sir, but we really don’t have time to waste. We have a friend that is in urgent need of some medicine across the lake and if we cannot make it there as soon as possible, they might not make it.” Cecelia played a convincing part of concern and worry.

“I apologize, dear. The sun is setting, and all of the fishermen in town have already returned and have no intentions of going back out on the waters tonight.” The man replied, finally looking up at Cecelia.

“I understand. Give us just a moment, sir.” Cecelia replied and began to move away from the hut. She waved the rest of us over, and we followed her a good distance away from the hut so that we could talk without fear of being overheard. Once she had pulled us away, she began speaking in a frustrated tone of voice, far from the sweet sing-song she had just been using. “What the fuck do we do. I don’t know how much we can afford to wait. If the Council has been following us, they’ve most likely been gaining on us a little each day. Spending the night here could mean waking up to an execution squad from the Empire.”

“What other option do we have, love? Unless we have enough money to bribe one of them for their ship tonight, I fear there isn’t a way to set sail.” Sebil added.

“...Driving a boat couldn’t be that hard. What if we steal one!” Phern offered.

“Weren’t you the one that suggested naming the group bandits in order to subvert expectations? Now you want to steal a boat from a small fishing village?” Lucas gave a short laugh as he mocked Phern’s plan.

“We can’t subvert many expectations if we end up dead by the morning. It’s not great, but it might be our only option to secure passage. With enough of us, we should be able to figure out how to sail the boat without issue.”

“I apologize in advance for saying this, but that is incredibly foolish. You can’t simply wing it with a boat and hope to make it to the other side of Uroro. You would need someone who has nautical knowledge. Even if I wanted to pilot the boat, I will not be stealing a vessel from these people in order to do so.” Sebil stated firmly.

“...Sebil do you know how to pilot a boat?” Cecelia grinned.

“That’s not- I just said I wouldn’t steal a vessel from these people!”

“But you know how to sail don’t you? That’s what it sounded like you were implying.” Cecelia continued to smirk, as if some grand plan was forming in her mind.

“I do. But that doesn’t change my feelings on your plan to secure a boat.”

“I have to agree with Sebil. CiCi, Stump, you two might have little issue with stealing, but I don’t feel good about it at all. In other circumstances, maybe. But look at how small this village is! Fishing is their livelihood! We’d be taking away someone’s job, their entire way of earning income! They don’t deserve that, CiCi.” I pleaded, hoping to emphasize my feelings on the matter. Phern had named our group the Bandits for a reason. We’re supposed to be good. We’re supposed to make people rethink what they’ve been told about others, and it would only serve to reinforce their beliefs if we came into their village and stole one of their boats. “How much would it cost to pay for a boat?” I asked.

“Gods, Ester. One of their boats? It’d be quite a few gold. Not to rain on your parade, button nose, but we’re kind of on the run from the Empire. Running out of money significantly restricts our options going forward. We can’t take that risk.” Cecelia pleaded back with me. I understood what she was saying, I truly did. But we were a resourceful group. I’m sure that there is some other way to make some money back, or work around our shortfalls.

‘The Life Hunter has a point, little morsel. If survival is what you want, stealing the boat will ensure the highest chances. I cannot believe you are considering throwing money at these feeble humans out of pity.’

“Can we afford it?” I asked.

“We need that money for the rest of-”

“I asked if we can afford it, CiCi.”

Cecelia was aghast as she looked at me. It hurt to see her look at me in such a way, but I was firm in my judgement. Like Sebil had said, I was unwilling to steal from these people. They had done nothing to warrant it, and it would be cruel to take such an important thing from them without even offsetting it with some sort of payment. Cecelia was far more concerned with the safety of our group. For someone whose life was a fight for survival, I’m sure it made no sense to her to pick the option that would hinder us later on. With Lilith agreeing with Cecelia on every point, it was hard to stand my ground. I could see where they were coming from, but it would not change my stance.

“...yes.” Cecelia reluctantly replied.

I watched and waited as Phern rummaged through her bag to pull out a coin purse. From inside she pulled out a number of gold coins. I could see just how hard it was for her to do so. That was money that she must have held onto tightly, judging from how hesitantly she pulled each coin out.

“I know it seems stupid. But I don’t want to be the monster that they see me as. We can be better. The Empire would walk right up and commandeer a boat without a second thought. We can be better than them.” I tried my best to reassure Phern and Cecelia. I took special note of Lucas, whose head twisted towards me when I mentioned the Empire. He seemed to shrink into himself when I spoke, like he was ashamed or embarrassed when I spoke of the Empire’s cruelty. Odd.

“Okay. We see if we can bribe passage tonight with this money, and if we can’t we take a boat and leave more than enough payment behind to replace it. Sound good?” I asked the group. Despite hesitation from Cecelia and Phern, especially after they had just handed over a number of gold coins to me mere moments ago, they nodded. Phern in particular seemed to sigh and then smile, like she had come to some internal conclusion that made her feel better. Sebil seemed a lot more comfortable with my solution than Cecelia’s and nodded quickly. I didn’t care much to look towards Lucas to see if-

‘Hah! What a laugh.’

Lilith had noticed at just the same time as I that Lucas nodded in acknowledgement of my plan. How curious.

“Let’s go steal a boat!” Phern did her best whispered cheer.

“If the bribe doesn’t work, Phern. Then we steal a boat.” I added.

“Yes! Boat stealing time!”

“...after the bribe.”

“After we bribe, we steal a boat!”

“No, if they take the bribe we don’t- y’know what? Whatever. If it’ll make you happy I’ll say it. Let’s go steal a boat.”

“Fuck yeah!”