Gaming Badly in DxD

-Zatren Fumigami-

Arms crossed, I stared up at the befuddled expression of the Satan. I took a deep breath… and shrugged.

‘’Alright, so I’ll admit, some non-thoughtful choices were made.’’ I conceded the point because, truly, that was a bit dumb. ‘’But everything worked out, right?’’

Serafall sat right in front of me, her hair, while tied into the usual twin tails, was a complete mess of wild black locks. Her eyes were half-closed and with heavy bags under them as if the woman had not slept a wink in months, and I don’t even think she notices that the collar of her casual-business outfit was askew.

Overall, she looked like she needed a nap.

‘’Za-kun… you bedded one of the highest-ranking members of the Old Satan Faction. The Original Satans may be long gone, but their names still mean something!’’ Serafall chastised, hands on her face as if she were bawling her eyes out. ‘’…This isn’t even my job, this is Sir-kun’s job! Uhhh…’’

Alright, so maybe I messed up a bit.

‘’Did you even think that it may have been all a ploy to get close to you and stab you in the back?’’ The petite magical girl crossed her arms with a frown. ‘’Maybe get information? Hurting your loved ones?’’

Okay, so I messed up big time.

‘’Look, I know, okay?’’ I sighed, clicking my tongue. ‘’I fucked up, I’m taking responsibility for it. Katarea said some shit about ‘might makes right,’ and I think she’s still back home, being supervised by Knight, who is vastly more powerful than her.’’

‘’That’s… fine.’’ Serafall massaged her temple with closed eyes. Breath in, breath out, and her shoulders relaxed. ‘’But it doesn’t take from the fact that it’s still a scandal and a half.’’

Man, being a Satan must really be a bitch to deal with. Or maybe it was because of the meeting I skipped.

From what I was told, Serafall had to listen to the part I should have been present for, and wasn’t because I was busy plowing—Err… fighting and distracting Katarea, and then persuasively convincing her of not doing a terrorist attack with very unconventional methods.

Serafall slumped on her desk, hair disheveled and eyes closed. If I had to guess, she was either taking a small break or trying to wrap her head around solving the issue.

And as a good brother-in-law—and because I wasn’t an asshole—I decided to do something about that.

I looked around the room, searching for one specific appliance that every overworked white-collar employee possibly has.

Spotting the coffee machine was easy enough, and since I already had some baked goods in my Inventory, it didn’t take me longer than a few minutes to have a hot cup of coffee and a plate full of chocolate-covered pastries.

Sure, I may not have made the coffee from scratch, but that didn’t seem to bother my Cooking skill. I could literally just make it better by starting up the machine.

‘’Hm…?’’ Serafall blinked awake from her little exhaustion nap, looking with squinted eyes between my smiling face and the very late breakfast in front of her. ‘’Za-kun… you’re forgiven. I should have never doubted you, such a good man…’’

I snorted. After a smidge of hesitation, I pulled my chair beside her, took a seat, and patted Serafall’s head while she took a deep gulp out of the mug.

Because headpats always make it better.

I saw in real time as Serafall’s body straightened up and the cheer returned to her gaze. The pastries disappeared at lightning-flash speeds that would give a hungry Koneko a run for her money, and the Satan even nudged against my hand unconsciously while sighing in relief.

‘’Sorry for leaving all that workload on your shoulders, Serafall.’’ I sheepishly apologized. ‘’I didn’t think about that when I went on my nilly-willy way of solving the issue.’’

‘’It’s alright, Za-kun. You’re still young, recklessness and a sense of adventure are expected. I was exactly the same some centuries ago.’’ Serafall then grinned mischievously, her pink eyes locking with mine as she got awfully close, to the point I felt her breath on my ear. ‘’However… I can think of a few ways you could pay me back, and from the videos I saw… You have the right equipment, Z-a-K-u-n~’’

…Alright, Serafall, with disheveled hair and business-casual clothes, did not have any right to sound this seductive.

‘’Is that so?’’ I whispered back, staring at the Satan’s rosy pink lips. ‘’Let me guess, you watched it all to see if it had any ‘information’?’’

Surprisingly enough, Serafall’s cheeks tinted pink as she looked away with a knowing smile. Shaking my head, I decided to roll the dice and shamelessly press a kiss on top of the Satan’s head, making her freeze completely and look up to me with a frown.

‘’Now someone playing with fire…’’ She hummed, intrigued. ‘’I’m still a Satan, you know? You can’t go around doing things like that, Za-kun.’’

I, like a mature person, stuck out my tongue.

‘’Just finish your pastries, and then you can catch me up to speed.’’ I ruffled Serafall’s hair, making her complain and bat away my hand. ‘’And when you’re free, we could even have a date one of these days.’’

‘’Classic romantic, aren’t you? Cute.’’ Serafall smiled and clicked her fingers, making a whole pile of paperwork appear on her desk. ‘’…From top to bottom are the grey areas you’ll be able to set your shrines. Though you’ll still have to speak with the Angels to get it all properly sorted out, considering a good amount of their power still comes from worshippers.’’

I blanched, staring at the pile of papers like it had shot my dog and then did a backflip. ‘’…Can that meeting be with that cute Seraphim at least?’’

The disheveled Satan pouted, poking me in the chest.

‘’…You know, Za-kun. It’s impolite to talk about another woman while—‘’ I made another plate of pastries appear, with chocolate custard this time. ‘’—I cannot be bribed. Do you know how many have tried and how few succeeded?’’

I’ll have to break out the big guns then.

‘’I can make you coffee whenever you need… and I have an ability that lets me go through paperwork incredibly fast, so I can even cut your workload with the right training.’’ I offered, dead serious.

Serafall blinked, then stared between the table and me.

Her hand clamped around my shirt, pulling me down as she crashed her lips against mine. I stood in shock, not expecting that much of a reaction, but I still made sure to enjoy the taste of her lips on mine. Slightly bitter because of the coffee, mixed with minty freshness.

After a few seconds, I was released. Both of us panted. Serafall recovered the fastest, cleared her throat, and got up from her seat with a jump and a big stretch that made her back pop.

‘’Right then, I’ll make sure to arrange that for you, Za-kun~!’’ Serafall cheered, having seemingly recovered hours of sleep with a meal and a kiss. ‘’Now, let’s get started with what you need to know, hm?’’

‘’So, we are just going to ignore that?’’ I chuckled, licking my lips. ‘’Minty…’’

‘’Za-kun, I have work, so I’m doing my best not to jump you right now, because we are getting nothing done otherwise.’’ Serafall deadpanned, tapping the table. ‘’So, we can get lovey-dovey another time, ‘kay? Now eyes on the goal, Oh God of Abundance!’’

Well, that’s a compelling argument if I’ve ever seen one, though I’m still a bit befuddled considering I had… whatever I had going on with Katarea, followed by Gasper currently choosing a place for our date, and then jumped right into the overworked love from one of devilkind’s faction leaders.

Eh, what can you do, right?

-X-x-X-

I lay on the couch, gazing at the wooden roof as if it would give me all the answers in the world.

How was I supposed to memorize all that?! No way, no way, no way, no way!

‘’Mommy… Are you okay?’’ Jack, the murderous little wraith, asked from the side, tilting her head like a lost puppy.

My other sweet little daughter, Rei, poked my face. Both had been watching television in the living room while I was having a small existential crisis. ‘’What is Father thinking about?’’

‘’Politics and taxes, honey.’’ I said flatly, moving my hand just slightly to ruffle her hair.

‘’…Sounds boring… and painful.’’ Rei hummed.

‘’It is.’’ I nodded sagely.

Look at how smart my girl was, already knowing perfectly well that the world of the grown-ups is absolute bullshit.

I’ll get used to it eventually. I have a skill that deals with having a faster thought process, and by this point, I could scrunch up hours of work into mere minutes, but I still wanted to complain.

Seriously, what the fuck is ‘ritualistic tribute value and tax depending on general residential income’? I’m a God of Abundance, not the fucking Ai-Er-Es or whatever it’s called, let the praying people pay tribute with what they have!

Which, in the most part, isn’t even physical goods; their devotion, if true, would empower me all the same. All the tributes and shit are just for when I needed a little oomph in my blessings.

‘Whatever, I know exactly what will make me feel better.’ I grinned, looking at the System Screen encompassing my vision. ‘’Roll the dice now, System!’’

‘’Why is Mommy speaking to himself?’’ Jack whispered to Rei. The older girl shrugged.

‘’I think Mother calls it ‘schizo-rants’…’’ Rei shrugged with a cute frown.

‘’You don’t have to imitate everything your mother says, okay?’’ I fake-pouted, making Jack giggle and Rei nod repeatedly in a serious manner. ‘’Good girls.’’

Now, where was I…

Rolling 8 Tokens…

1 [Common] Pull. +5 Pity has been added.

3 [Uncommon] Pulls.

2 [Rare] Pulls.

2 [Epic] Pulls.

That’s what I’m talking about! Now here’s hoping that Epic one is not similar to the last one. I do not want to deal with a possibly cancerous regeneration factor in a bottle, thanks!

That thing was still in my inventory and not seeing the light of day anytime soon. I fear what my Teacher could get up to with a thing like that.

[Mimic (Uncommon Familiar]

A curious shapeshifting bloodthirsty creature, the Mimic can turn into the shape of any creature or object, as well as being able to manipulate its texture and density. Being able to turn into a chest, or a woman with a large chest, or maybe even a mount. They also get larger and stronger the more you feed them flesh, especially human flesh; they may even get smarter if you feed them brains.

I blinked, as all of a sudden, a piece of wood was dropped into my chest.

Of course, it wasn’t regular wood at all. Instead, it felt… warm. Almost like it was just very tough skin and a keratin-like surface. Not only that, but my supernatural senses let me hear a heartbeat and lungs filling with air easily enough.

The chest now resting on my… well, chest, was quite a bit large, enough for it to be carried with both hands. It’s sleek and taken care of wood was highlighted with metal plates at the sides and around the lock, which, won’t you guess, also felt uncomfortably warm.

Rei and Jack blinked, probably wondering what sort of weird thing their father—or mother, in Jack’s case—was doing.

The chest, like a proper mimic, did not move an inch… and I couldn’t store it inside my inventory since it was a living being.

‘…Huh, a good way to detect mimics if I ever lose access to my Analyze, I guess.’ Still, that left me with one little problem. ‘’Hey so, chest… chessy…’’

‘’Maple…?’’ Jack provided.

I clicked my fingers, giving the wraith a big smile. ‘’Works for me! Now, Maple, could you… move off my chest?’’

For a moment, nothing happened.

…

I was even wondering if the mimic could even move. However, I didn’t have to wait long for its hinges to ‘creak’, and a pair of dull, silver eyes to peek out of the opening.

The Mimic didn’t say anything; however, it opened a bit more, letting out a corpse-like, almost skeletal hand that it used to jump off the couch. Most intriguing of all was the fact that it made absolutely no sound upon landing.

Slowly and silently, it dragged itself to one of the living room corners, put its back against the wall, and gave me one last look of those dead eyes before closing.

…

‘’Ooookay.’’ I smacked my lips, resting my head back against the couch. ‘’…Next?’’

Uncommon Skill appeared pre-leveled.

[Blade Proficiency Lv. 10 (0%) (Uncommon Skill)]

You are fairly skilled in handling bladed instruments and weapons such as swords and daggers. You know how to effectively move your body and weapon to make good use of it, being able to match most practitioners in skill and finesse.

‘Jinzui, honey, I can feel your glare.’ I deadpanned. ‘Stop being such a jelly-bean. I don’t even have a good sword or dagger, and even if I had, they won’t compare to you.’

‘I don’t doubt your loyalty, beloved. That is, after all, one of your strongest qualities.’ Jinzui huffed. ‘But your heart is too big, you’ll end up with a sword wife eventually. Mark my words.’

‘Jelly-bean~’

‘Silence. The jelly-flavored beans do not have anything to do with this.’

Rolling my eyes and with a shit-eating grin, I went onto the next. Yet, one simple look at it, and I went straight into the Rare drops.

I was not acknowledging that.

[Cuddle Emperor (Rare Perk)]

Your existence is one that "Cuddles Greatly." Your hugs and snuggles are incredible, being able to comfort even broken souls. Being cuddled by your arms feels like being wrapped by the softest, warmest blanket, and they are even therapeutic, helping stabilize the mental state and comfort whoever you are targeting.

[Tinker – Scraps Lv. 1 (0%) (Rare Skill)]

This allows you to build much more functional and useful technology out of scraps. You could probably build a working tank in a scrapyard, a phone out of a broken radio, a mech out of demolished cars, and easily jury-rig existing technology out of subpar materials.

When I read the first skill, I was ready to burst out laughing. Sure, it may not be an incredibly offensive weapon, but to anyone I held dear? Now that’s a damn upgrade, because being honest, I’m clingy as hell when I want to.

But then the second hit me like a truck, literally and figuratively.

Knowledge of rushed works, unfinished projects, and faulty tech filled my mind. All born out of useless metal parts, discarded cables, and other mundane electronics that broke easily and were discarded even easier.

Something inside my brain told me that, if push came to shove, I could use things that weren’t scrap, but for now, I’ll have to settle for this.

‘Now, didn’t I mention I needed a way to start building a certainly beautiful, dashing, enchanting, and seductive little minx of a spirit a proper body?’ I teased with a manic grin. ‘Android was not my first thought, I’ll be honest, but don’t worry, my dear partner, I bet I can mix it with some miracles once I establish my own cult!’

‘…’ Silence reigned in my head, and then I got the feeling someone was pouting at me. ‘…Dumb beloved.’

Aww, she’s shy. Cute.

Still, I did have that weekly supply of Chlorophyte bars, and this skill paired well with my Blacksmithing one. If this were me from a month or so ago, I would have started to get dizzy as literal blueprints started forming in my head about a robot prototype.

My hands were trembling, eager to work on something, but my will was quite a lot stronger than some random impulse.

‘’I still have two more pulls to worry about, after all~’’ I sighed, my Greed already quite satisfied with what I got, but also eager to take a little bit more, like always.

[No Peeking (Epic Perk)]

Information Gathering doesn't work against you; scrying spells fall apart, precognition fails, and cameras stop recording whenever you wish them to.

You are able to turn this Perk on and off at will.

‘’…I can mess with a lot of people with this.’’ Was the first thing to come out of my mouth before activating my new Perk. ‘’Woah…’’

No shit, information gathering didn’t work. It even worked on me.

Analyze was running in the background, mostly to always keep an eye out, and doubly so when my kids were around, and currently, I felt like a literal empty space. No magic, divinity, or—

A little burst of smoke appeared right in front of my eyes, revealing a piece of old paper I cautiously took into my hand.

It was that parchment I got after ‘releasing’ Viser’s soul to Izanami. Strangely enough, however, the piece of paper had something written on it this time.

‘’Please turn it off…?’’ I frowned, absolutely lost and confused. ‘’Why would you need to… are you spying on me?!’’

The previous words were erased as neat, newly written ones appeared.

‘’…Would you be mad if I say yes?’’

I was honestly flabbergasted. How dare this Goddess be spying on me and even asking to turn the anti-spying Perk off? How long has she been spying on me for?

‘’You’re real damn bold.’’ I poked the piece of paper like I was particularly offended before grinning. ‘’And I respect the hell out of that. Sure, but next time… ask, will you?’’

With nothing but a thought, I was able to be targeted by all that premonition and scrying jazz again. All I got from the parchment was a little smile, and a thank you with… a heart.

Alright then.

[Split Soul Katana (Epic Item)]

A powerful, cursed tool in the form of a large Japanese Broadsword. This sword is capable of cutting through all physical matter by ignoring durability to strike at the soul directly, inflicting wounds that cannot be healed by normal means.

Chiii…

‘Beloved, this doesn’t prove anything.’ I immediately defended as a curved broadsword fell into my grasp.

A white tuff of fluffy hair covered the tsuba, and good leather wrapped around the handle, denoting its quality. Of course, its energy was rotten as it could be, considering the cursed energy placed inside of it.

‘This is the Gacha Gods fucking me over for what I just said, I swear!’

‘Hmph.’ Jinzui mentally turned around with crossed arms, pouting all the while. ’Cheater.’

I deadpanned, already shoving the blade inside my inventory. It was a good weapon, but it could also be a nice gift. However, considering its soul-damaging nature, it was for Senjutsu-able hands only.

‘’If you’re quite done fooling around and wasting time doing nothing? There are matters I need spoken about.’’ A voice filled with contempt cut through the air in a snobbish tone. I sat up, and immediately came face to face with the prim and properly dressed form of Katarea Leviathan, arms crossed and an ugly frown on her otherwise beautiful face. ‘’You may have bested me in both combat and… private matters, but do not think I’ll just wait for you to come back like a lost pup every time you decide to go out.’’

Right, I was talking with Serafall just earlier about her…

‘’Kids, run along now,’’ I said softly while getting up and then ruffling their respective heads of hair. ‘’I have some matters to discuss here, alright?’’

The obedient little cuties I had for daughters merely looked between Katarea and me. Rei shot the former a suspicious frown, while Jack merely held a confused smile, but both of them nodded, chatting between themselves.

And just as their steps got quieter and quieter, I moved to the side, leaving some space on the couch for Katarea to sit.

‘’Do you want some tea? Coffee?’’ I started, friendly as I could, while the devil merely sat, cross-armed and now cross-legged with a complicated frown. ‘’Maybe a snack? I have a few.’’

From my Inventory, I grabbed a platter full of coco-cookies, golden, crisp, and still smelling fresh of the oven. Katarea squinted her eyes and took a single one, biting on it softly with lady-like manners. For a second, her scowl turned upside down, but it didn’t last long as her eyes landed on me again.

‘’You do not fool me, Zatren Fumigami. Your passionate actions of a weak, dotting lover are nothing but a front.’’ Katarea scoffed, even as her cheeks flared up with a flush at the thought. ‘’However… I am nothing but a captive, and you have oh so ‘graciously’ saved my life from my own folly. So, my question is, what do you want?’’

I paused. Her statement wasn’t… entirely inaccurate, but calling my attention an act is not only stupid, but completely wrong. Yes, I may have some caution around the woman, considering just who she was allied with and her intentions, but that didn’t mean I was not interested in her.

‘’I’m sure Serafall would try to get something out of you eventually.’’ My statement immediately made the tanned woman recoil with disgust, possibly at the mention of the ‘magical slut’ as she called her. ‘’But you’re wrong. To be honest, as long as you don’t harm anyone important to me, I do not mind letting you hang around or come and go as you please. I do not condone slavery, Katarea.’’

Which was why I skipped over one of my pulls completely.

[The Collar of Obedience (Uncommon Item)]

A collar that, when placed around someone's neck, compels them to obey the owner of the collar. It cannot be placed around the neck of someone capable of resisting, nor someone much stronger than the owner.

The collar is customizable, as long as the accessory takes the form of something that can be worn around the neck.

It would be so easy to subdue Katarea again and snap this thing around her neck, but fuck that. I’m not going that low unless it’s the only method available.

Katarea, of course, didn’t believe my words for a second, if her constant glaring was anything to go by.

So, I had to resort to other methods of convincing, and considering how proud, bordering on entitled, this woman was? I think I knew how to play my cards just right.

‘’Can I be honest with you for a second?’’ I asked politely, slowly moving closer.

Katarea, of course, noticed, but if she was reluctant to my closeness, she didn’t show it. She merely rolled her eyes. ‘’Speak. And do not waste my time with frivolities.’’

That’s a go-ahead, I’ll guess.

‘’You’re genuinely impressive,’’ I admitted, making the tanned woman freeze. ‘’Copying my work? Going as far as to swallow something that would eventually kill you just to beat me? That takes guts… no pun intended.’’

With a grin, I offered the woman my hand, which she looked at as if it were some alien gesture. ‘’Here’s the thing… I am very clingy to the women that I take an interest in.’’

‘’You…’’ Now she looked between angry and confused. Her bespectacled gaze went from my hand straight to my eyes. ‘’You are attracted to the fact I wished to humiliate you and make you my pet…?’’

Alright, see, if you put it like that, I just look like a masochistic manwhore, don’t I?

‘’Not what I said.’’ I deadpanned. ‘’You have determination and the will to push forward, but you’re using it for what? Terrorism, following the old ways of long-dead devils, and a massive sense of self-centered superiority?’’

This time, I shot her a crooked grin, making the woman blink in surprise. ‘’You have talent and are insane as hell. That’s all you need to become strong. I want to mold that, Katarea, and turn you into the version of yourself you want to be.’’

The tanned devil’s breath hitched, her purple eyes widened, and a glint of recognition appeared in them as if she was looking at me for the first time. Her legs squirmed as her cheeks flushed, and I couldn’t help but think that either she had some weird version of a praise kink, or if it was her Obsession pushing around the pleasure buttons inside her head.

Slowly and without another word, Katarea placed her hand on mine. With a smile, I grabbed it and pulled her close, taking her by surprise as she landed on top of me, hands against my sides, like she was on top and had pushed me down instead of the other way around.

‘’Besides… I do not mind following my women’s desires.’’ I informed with a mischievous grin, placing a hand on her left cheek and closing the distance. ‘’Maybe if you prove that I can trust you… We can recreate that little fantasy of yours, ‘Mistress’?’’

Katarea’s eyes shot wide. A full-body shudder coursed through her spine, and she bit her lips while looking at mine.

‘’You daring, insolent little morsel…’’ Even her words came much shier and soft-spoken, though no less bitey. ‘’Very well… but do not think for a moment I’ll submit to your every whim. You are just a way for me to get what I want. Do you understand—Hmm…!’’

The little hate speech got interrupted as I pressed my lips with hers. However, instead of the passionate, lustful ones I shared before, I made sure to take it slow. On purpose, I embraced her waist, nuzzling the woman close, and let my Cuddle Emperor perk run amok.

Just to show the old, prideful woman a taste of what a little love and affection can do to her otherwise mindlessly annoyed and hateful life.

…

And it may have worked a little too well.

At least half an hour later, my beautiful, white-haired little cat was staring down at me with a deadpan. Her ears twitched as her gaze turned to the cuddling Katarea, who was in between half-asleep and merely enjoying the uber-powerful cuddles.

‘’Alright, so before you say anything,’’ I whispered so as not to wake the woman up, but Koneko’s ears twitched all the same. ‘’I… got a power that lets me cuddle better?’’

Immediately, Koneko’s tails locked still and fluffed up. Slowly, she approached. Just like a cautious cat… and lay on top of my chest, back first, and head below my chin.

Like with Katarea, I hugged Koneko close, and the pregnant Nekoshou absolutely melted, releasing a sigh of relief as if I had just given her a massage.

Katarea opened her eyes with a frown, but upon seeing the curling cat, and her tails swishing around and even tickling her arms, she merely scooted closer.

‘’…Maybe not all non-devils are bad.’’ She hummed, content, as if she hadn’t just done a racist.

‘’…Not bad for a terrorist hag.’’ Koneko added.

And that’s how I ended up with both a caramel-skinned racist devil cuddled to my left and the mother of my children on top of my chest, both having zero qualms about using me like a pillow while taking a nap.

It was also, from that day onward, that some of the girls made a schedule to decide who got to nap with me that day. Apparently, those health benefits listed on the perk were very much real and helped with stress.

The more you know.

-X-x-X-

Sadly, I couldn’t just cuddle up all day; I was still curious about something else before I started tinkering with my new skills and then going and actually spreading word around my new Godly status and whatnot.

Heck, I didn’t even have a God costume or something like that, and I was not going to put on a white towel and call it a robe!

So that’s how I found myself, completely in the dead of night, flying through the air easily. Thanks to No Peeking, I was not afraid of cameras or getting tracked down, so I didn’t have to be as careful. After all, if someone saw a humanoid figure coursing through the air at high speeds, it was either a madman or a kid who was being ‘way too creative’ and ‘letting their imagination run wild’.

To be honest, I wasn’t even sure I was going to the right place, but the internet had to be somewhat right, right?

So that’s how I found myself, miles upon miles away from home, and in the city of Kumano.

The first thing I noticed was the lack of people. Sure, the shrine was a little out of the way, and definitely didn’t scream ‘touristic’ spot, but maybe I was just visiting off-season, and the security at this hour was pretty lax.

Seriously, who would go out of their way to fuck around the Hananoiwaya Shrine, the supposed grave of Izanami-no-Mikoto herself, and where she was sealed by none other than her husband Izanagi-no-Mikoto, after he discovered her appearance as nothing more than a rotten corpse.

Some say it could also be an entrance to Yomi, but I was pretty sure that one was supposed to be in Matsue… according to the internet searches I made.

I had a bit of free time, alright? If a Goddess was going to be stalking me, the least I could do was do some quick internet diving. Now, if they were myth or truth, that was to be seen.

In any case, who would be stupid enough to approach this place that had such an ominous feeling to it, like rot, decay, melancholy, and death?

I was, of course.

‘’Right so…’’ The moment I landed, I stepped forward and into the stone tiles. The ‘entrance’ had two stone pillars inscribed with ancient kanji I could hardly understand. ‘’Wards, I’ll guess? That’s how to keep regular humans out of here.’’

Wards that, wouldn’t you know, did absolutely jack-shit when faced with my No Peeking.

From the corner of my eye, I noticed beautiful blue lilies growing near the rocky formations, almost as if they were bleeding through the cracks. It was a new addition, if the age of the flowers was anything to go by.

‘’Hellooo~ Anybody home?’’ I called out. My voice echoed through the thicket and then… echoed back. Whatever this illusion was hiding had to be a cave. ‘’See, I don’t want to be impolite and invite myself in, but leaving guests at the door is pretty rude, you know?’’

Still no answer.

Rolling my eyes with an amused smirk, I took out Izanami’s Parchment. The little piece of old paper had been bothering me for a bit when I turned No Peeking on again, with the last message being ‘’Where are you?’’

I squinted my eyes, focusing on the divine energy in front of me, and instead of speaking aloud, I let the Abundance infuse itself with the parchment.

Contrary to the death goddess black and neat ink, my ‘writing’ was a bit more contemporary, and the ‘ink’ was golden, like my blood.

‘’Open up, I’m outside.’’ I sent with a shit-eating grin.

And, at the same time, I turned off No Peeking, knowing very well Izanami could spy on me again.

Complete silence covered the shrine, and for a moment, I thought that I had messed up. After all, I didn’t know if it was an offense of some kind to show up to someone’s doorstep—err, gravestep?

However, even if I didn’t get any answer from the paper, the boundary of the wards moved.

It parted and twisted, as if it were tearing a hole in itself. Quickly, I took my cue to step forward.

Now properly inside, the entire shrine was different; old stone and scriptures looked brand new and well cared for. The vegetation wasn’t nearly as wild, but somehow the smell of death permeated every inch, making it feel even more dangerous.

Blue lilies sprouted everywhere, almost as if they ran the place, and right in front of me stood a giant boulder.

A boulder that, with the cave and ground’s controlled tremors, started to move. Slowly but surely, the moonlight bled through the cracks, yet not even the perfect night vision I should have thanks to having been reincarnated as a Devil let my eyes pierce through the darkness.

‘’What, not even a welcome? What a cold woman…’’ I acted dejected, with a hand over my heart, before bursting into chuckles as an ominous cold wind sent a shiver down my spine. ‘’Joking, joking, sheesh.’’

‘Partner, I know I tend to be a critic for bad ideas, but entering a Goddess of Death’s grave…’ Jinzui questioned, a hint of worry in her tone. ‘Do you truly think it’s wise?’

‘’Hm? Oh no, this is me being an idiot, brain-rotted, literally the Dumbest of Ass.’’ I explained, which only made the spirit mentally blanch. ‘’And guess what, I’m doing it anyway!’’

With a pep to my step, I patted the massive, totally not magical boulder and vanished into the darkness, letting this equivalent of hell’s entrance swallow me whole.

…

From the outside, the boulder moved back into place, as if nothing had happened.

-X-x-X-

.

.

.

Author's Note:

Zatren: I wish to use seduction on the incredibly-racist terrorist.

Me: And how do you plan on doing that?

Zatren: ...A good dicking, pep-talk, and cuddling.

Me: Roll for Charisma.

Zatren: Nat 20.

HE CAN'T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH THIIIIIS!

I honestly prefer when the Gacha (as I do tend to use the random option a lot), gives something that is useful at that very moment (I mean, who doesn't). But some things are just not meant to be.

COULD I just replace the pulls with something that IS useful? I mean, sure, but I don't want to do that. So pretty please with sprinkles on top don't crucify me if the MC is not using a few of the things he pulls. I haven't forgotten about them, I just think which situations they could be useful in.

...Yes, I also forget them sometimes. kekw.

Anyway, time for Zuzu to meet his stalker(s)!

I also publish on other sites, if you wish to check them out:

FFN: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/15809388/HamsterX42

QQ: https://forum.questionablequesting.com/search/35199387/?c[users]=HamsterX42&o=date

Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HamsterX42

Discord Link: .gg/92Yt5wxeWN