Chapter Extra. Her life at 18 years old
I feel like I've become a lot more apathetic.
If I didn't feel like doing anything before, now it's like I don't even realize what I'm doing until I'm done and back in my bed.
I love my family, but I'm done with them... No, I'm not really, I'm just tired, I think. I hope so.
Unfortunately, the only emotion I get to feel today is anger. Both justified and unjustified.
The logical part of me is telling me nicely that they are trying to help me, but my growing anger is screaming at me loudly that they should just leave me alone.
Should I go to the Academy?
I finally finished school, I may have been a bit cruel to my classmates, some of whom I've known since childhood, but I really didn't care enough about what they would do from now on.
Many times, I ignored their invitations or refused them outright. Some of them just ignored me as well, but some others kept trying to talk to me. How annoying... Luckily, I will never see them again.
But Kairi didn't get the message. At some point, she kept coming to my house every day.
I don't understand why, but I can't really get mad at her... But I don't appreciate it either. She always tries to take me somewhere or asks if she can come to my room... Why? I thought she only approached me because she wanted to be with William, or was I wrong?
I don't know, but there shouldn't be any reason for her to keep looking for me... She should know by now that I'm not interested in ever seeing her again.
No... I shouldn't think like that. We had some good times, I think? None come to mind for some reason, but I'm sure we had some good times... Or did we?
It doesn't matter. It's not like she needs me, she's always been a people person, I'm sure she has a lot of other nicer friends than me.
William was saving a lot of money for 'the future', whatever that meant. He also had plans to earn money to go to college after high school, so it wasn't for that... He never wanted to tell me and, well, it's not like I could ask him...
Anyway, he showed me where he hid it. Should I take it to pay for the academy? Whatever those plans are, he's not going to use them anymore... And he never told anyone else, as far as I know, so the money should still be there.
Is it wrong to take money from a dead man...? I don't plan to give it to his parents, I doubt they'll ever want to see me again, and I don't want to see them either. I don't want to wish evil upon anyone... But it's hard for me not to when it's them.
So... No problem? Well, it's money he earned by working, so his parents have nothing to do with it. Assuming he told someone else about it, they would have taken it by now, right?
-----
I climb up a tree to the roof of the library.
Then I remember. Next to the penultimate mansard there is a broken tile, but very well placed, if I lift it with a stick there are some pipes inside. I ignore them, and further down and up there is a small hidden compartment... Actually, we didn't make it, it was already there.
I reach in, unusually, not giving a damn if there are spiders or something.
There it is... A bag of coins. I take it out and leave everything as it was.
... It's all here. You didn't tell anyone? If you wanted to keep it so much, why did you tell me? Oh well... Sorry, Liam, I know you needed it for something, but I'm going to use it to get out of here. Why do I sometimes talk to you as if you were still here?
Huh, that sounded like I was going to run away or something... It's not that wrong, actually. They're not keeping me here by force, but my parents would never pay for me to go to the academy... Bad thoughts come over me about their reasons, but I know it's only because they care about me... They don't think I'm ready. Still, I think I need to get away from here, and if I have a place to go, why not?
But... That would make them sad, I think? 'Ugh, I want to think positive, but I don't know how.' I can't have too deep thoughts or they'll get too dark and disturbing.
I sit on the roof. There are many trees here, they hide me, no idiot will scold me for being here.
I don't know what to do... I hold my head. Small steps, I guess. Let's start counting the money.
...
280 gold coins... If I remember correctly, the registration fee is one hundred and ten gold coins. Hmm... It's only enough for two years, I'll have to find a job, but it should be enough, combined with my savings.
While I was still hesitating whether to do it or not... Kairi appears out of nowhere.
"Seina"
"..."
"..."
This is awkward... How did I not hear her approaching? But it's not like I'm going to ignore her, of course.
"Hello..."
“... Is that all you're going to say?”
What? Why does she look so upset? I don't remember doing anything to her.
"Uh, how are you?"
"You've been avoiding me for years and you ask me how I'm doing!?"
Hey... Maybe she's right, maybe not, but I'm not in the mood for someone yelling at me.
"You've been very annoying, of course I'll avoid you"
"Annoying? I've been trying to help you!"
"I DON'T WANT YOU TO HELP ME!" Damn it, I'm talking without thinking... I have to stop, I hate feeling angry, it makes me angry to feel angry... It makes me even angrier that I can't stop being angry.
“... What? But you need-”
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU CARE WHAT I NEED! LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY!” Ugh, if this conversation continues, I'm going to say something I'll regret... I have to go.
"... What do I care? I am your friend, am I not?"
"No, that was years ago, I don't even know what you've done since then, nor do I care"
"..." She doesn't say anything, I can't look into her eyes, so I don't know what face she's making, but her silence gives me some time to calm down... I breathe... 'That was so wrong. I have to apologize.'
"Sorry, I shouldn't have said that..."
"..."
"My mind has been really weird lately, please forgive me... Um, Kairi?"
"You're right"
"Mh?"
"You know what? You're right, we haven't talked for a long time, of course we're not friends"
"K-Kairi?" I say, still not having the courage to look her in the face, what is she saying?
"I should have listened to my friends. You're not worth it"
"W-what?" I finally turn to her, but her angry words only make me stare at her shoes.
"Who would want to be friends with you? You just walk around all day staring at the ground like a loser, you never say anything funny or interesting, you just do the bare minimum so you can lock yourself away like a total nobody"
"... Stop it"
"You've been like this since before, how could I not notice? All day long almost licking the floor where William stepped on it"
"... That's not true"
"It is true! You only had eyes for him! What about me? I was your friend too! Well... I'm glad that you opened my eyes. You were always the good girl who doesn't mess with anyone and doesn't do sh*t all day, huh? Who the hell wants to waste time with someone as useless and boring as you?"
"..."
"That's why you can't do anything! Always asking the most trivial details about everything and always complaining about not being able to do the same as others... How pathetic. You should have died yourself instead of him, then at least I'd have a friend with some self-respect!"
"..."
"... Not even a little tear... Don't my words hurt you? Was I so unimportant to you...? Go to hell! Don't look for me anymore, oh right, what a fool I am for saying that, you never did, did you? I didn't stop looking for you because I wanted to help you, to get closer to you... But I won't bother you anymore, feel free to lock yourself in your damn room forever for all I care!"
"..."
I hear a door slam... Looks like she took the normal route, down the stairs...
I just stand there, not knowing what to say... And not taking my eyes off the roof floor, just like when she arrived.
-----
Knock, knock. I hear at the door of my room.
"Seina." My mother says. "Kairi has come. Do you want to see her?"
What? What does she want now? I thought I would never have to deal with her again...
"No"
"She's too pushy today, she looks really bad, you should talk to her"
"Mother, I'd like to talk to you, do you have time later?"
"... Mother?" I hear her whisper. "Oh sure, what about Kairi?"
I wanted to say I don't care, but she would have scolded me.
"This is not a good time, could you please ask her to leave?"
"... Okay"
It's kind of pathetic to ask my mother to speak for me... Looks like Kairi was right.
As I go through my room one more time, looking for something I forgot to pack, I think back to what Kairi said the other day....
Even after everything she said, I couldn't get mad at her... I guess I never really saw her as anyone important, or did I...? I'm still not sure. But if I doubt something like that, then it must be true. Many times, I just saw her as an obstacle between William and me. I'm the worst.
Pathetic, useless and boring... It's true. Even when I had conversations, I could never keep up with them... I didn't care in the least about the subject or the people I was talking to, so I just moved on.
I was ignoring her all this time, she was looking for me every day, but I was just worrying about ways to make the time pass faster... I always pushed her aside, eventually I stopped looking for excuses and just ignored her....
Who wants to waste time with someone like that?
'I can't get mad at her because she's right.'
Never mind, she must have a lot of friends... She's also very sociable and very pretty... I'm sure she'll forget about someone as boring as me very quickly.
Oh... 'No self-respect,' she said....
During dinner, unusually, my whole family is at the table. Huh, we have different work schedules, so it almost never happens... Or maybe it does? I always eat alone in my room when I can, so maybe they eat together a lot and I don't even notice.
She said, 'Someone who doesn't mess with anyone and doesn't do sh*t all day,' seems to be true too...
"So, what did you want to tell us?" My mother asks. Mh? I wonder when I stopped calling her mom in my mind.... Doesn't matter.
"I'm going to the academy tomorrow"
... I hear a few gasps and the table shakes a little. But as usual, I don't feel like I have the right to look my family in the eye, so I don't know what face they're making... Huh? Oh yeah, she also said 'you just stare at the floor all day like a loser...' She was right as usual.
"... The harvest is starting, so we can't afford such an expense." Says my sister Cala. Of course, you wouldn't support me, I barely know you.
"We just paid the workers; the academy costs a lot of money." Follows my sister Eruca. You're always arguing with each other, but when it comes to me, you're best friends, aren't you? What am I saying...?
"How about next year? We have to save up for something like that"
My mother says... I know she's the most supportive, but I can't help but suspect that if I agree, she'll try to talk me out of it on a daily basis.
“Hey, you want to go that badly? There's also a-”
"I have to go." I interrupt my brother Ethan. He's always been quiet, he just tried to talk me into something, but I don't know if it's because he doesn't want me to go or if he just wants to help my parents convince me. Or am I thinking too badly of him? Even though we were close in the past, I have no idea what he thinks anymore.
"..."
My father, as usual, says nothing. Although I'm very grateful this time, if my father told me not to go, I wouldn't have the courage to question him... Which would force me to sneak away and maybe never see them again...
Or maybe I would? Ugh... I can't think straight. My thoughts are jumping to extremes too fast. Kairi shook my head even more than it already was... At least I'll follow the goal I had when I was most in my right mind, to go to the academy. No matter what.
"... If you have nothing else to say, then that's the only problem, isn't it? I already paid for my matriculation and the first two years, look"
I show them my acceptance letter and my receipt. As much as I wanted to go after talking to Kairi, I had to send in my application, with my grades, information about myself, the money of course, and a lot of boring details.
Today I finally got a positive answer, so I want to leave as soon as possible.
After a few minutes of my parents reading the letter, I force myself to look at their faces... They look worried. Of course, they are not happy. They don't think I can live in the capital?
I know I'm improvising, so I don't blame them. But Kairi's words ring in my head again... 'That's why you can't do anything...'
Whether I can or not, I won't know if I stay here. I won't let them discuss it.
‘I love them all, despite the bad things I say about them in my mind. But... I don't care if they despise me, I will go.’
"I've already bought the train ticket and packed my bags, I've also researched the carriage schedules to the train station, I'm leaving tomorrow"
Damn... I wanted to ask for their blessing, but seeing that they clearly don't want me to go, my speech became a bit defiant... I would at least like to say goodbye on a good note and tell them I love them, maybe give them a hug like before...
"... Where are you going to stay?" My father asks, making me shiver a little.
"Uh, the academy has dorms, but Nicole said she was planning on buying a house nearby and I could stay with her"
Words more or less, I basically told her that I would have no contact with her if she kept trying to dissuade me from going. After that, she rushed back to the capital. Sorry for cutting her vacation short, but she's the one who was so insistent.
"You shouldn't bother her"
"I want to stay in the dormitory, she insisted, she said she wants someone to cook for her"
"And... How will you pay for the rest of the course?
"The academy helps students find work, Nicole also said that they will soon be renovating a lot of houses in the neighborhood, and she will be able to help me get a job as well"
"... Where did you get the money?"
They won't force me to answer, but they might think the worst if I don't tell them.
"William and I saved a lot, I took his share, he, well... He doesn't need it anymore..."
The silence feels much heavier than before, I wonder why, since my father spoke, I have lost the courage to look straight ahead... I surprised myself that I could still speak firmly.
"We should have dinner for now..." Says my sister Cala.
I'm sure they want to forbid it with all their might, but I'm legally an adult now, I remember when I was younger, in one of the few times I saw my mother angry, I heard her scolding my sister Eruca, she told her, ‘If you don't like the rules of this house, you're free to leave when you turn eighteen.'
She said that to her when my sister was in her most rebellious phase, so it's not the same situation, but it applies just the same, doesn't it? Although I'm sure she didn't mean it, because she's also said many times that it's her duty to take care of us, no matter how old we are.
-----
Finally done with the drama, I lay down on my bed... No turning back now, huh? Maybe because the tension left my body, but I feel very calm... For the first time in a long time.
As I think about it, I realize something... I know why I want to leave.
'I feel like I'm a burden to my family.'
I keep telling myself in my mind that they love me... But deep inside I don't feel that they really do. But that doesn't make sense... Or does it? Ugh. I mean, my sisters have their own lives.
My older sister Cala, she has been with her boyfriend for several years, maybe they will get married soon, who knows? I'm sure she won't even remember me, who barely speaks to her, with that dream life she's going to have.
My sister in the middle, Eruca. She loves pastries and confectionery, sometimes I think she spends more time at work than at home. I really envy her passion and enthusiasm for something; I am sure I ruin her day when she comes home and sees me being all cold and heartless...
My brother Ethan, again, I have no idea what he's thinking. But he's never tried to talk to me, so maybe he doesn't care. No, he's just a quiet person. I'm older than him.... I'm the one who should take care of him, not the other way around. I'm a bad sister.
My father... He... I know he tried so hard to cheer me up, but we just can't get along. He's tried, he's still trying, but there are some things that just can't be mended. It scares me just to hear his voice, even though he's such a kind man. There must be something wrong with me...
My mother... She's the type who blames herself for her family's problems. I feel like I've caused her a lot of pain and worry... More than anyone else. I feel like a bad daughter. I am a bad daughter. She raised us right, taught us all kinds of things, how to be respectful, how to give ourselves respect... But I... Worst of all, I know she doesn't blame me for anything, but she keeps wondering what she did wrong with me... I feel like I don't deserve her as a mother.
...
I know this is a very depressing thought.
Ungrateful.
Vile.
Despicable.
'Dangerous even.'
But... Objectively speaking...
I believe they'd be a lot happier without me.
-----
The next day, I apparently managed to convince them that I wasn't going to change my mind, so they stopped trying to persuade me and just gave me a lot of advice, some money, and their blessing. Unexpectedly, it was my father who was the first to give me the go-ahead, even convincing the others. Strange.
I said goodbye to them from the carriage that would take me to the train station.
In the end, maybe because of the things I'd thought during the night, I didn't manage to tell them I loved them. I just got their hugs, they helped me with my luggage and we said goodbye...
There are many things left unsaid. From both sides. I don't like the feeling.
But... If I'm already on this path, I at least owe it to them and to myself to make things right. Or at least better.