Chat, My Friend is a Literal God. What Do I Do?

The carriage exited the olive orchard onto a road that ran through a garden of flowerbeds, with low green hedges neatly lining both sides.

“There, that’s my palace!” Buttons pointed ahead. “Well, it’s more of a manor, but I’d like to call it my palace.” She gave a smug smile. “Because I’m the princess here.”

Beyond the flower garden, after a roundabout, stood the manor. A two-story stone building overlooking the garden and the orchards.

The carriage made half a circle around the roundabout and stopped in front of the building. Goggles and Miss Pendrake were there at the doorstep, waiting.

‘When did she get here?’ Rippa wondered, but concluded Miss Pendrake must have teleported ahead.

“Welcome, Miss Rippa,” Goggles offered a hand and helped Rippa off the carriage. “Hope you enjoyed the ride.”

“Yes, it was…,” Rippa then searched for the right words. Impressive? Eye-opening? But it was also peaceful and uneventful. Rather tranquil, to be honest. “It was cozy,” Rippa settled on that one.

“Excellent!” Goggles smiled. “I feel validated.”

Rippa then realized. ‘He built this place.’

She and Goggles waited for Madam J.D. to lift Buttons out of the carriage and gently set the kid down.

“Goggles, you said you’ve made some changes?” Buttons inquired.

‘When did he say that?’ Rippa wondered, but then remembered the two could talk through telepathy.

“Yes, I did. Ah, I do still need some input from Miss Rippa, though.”

“Me?” Rippa was rather surprised.

“Yes. I will explain inside.” With that, Goggles invited Rippa into the building through the top—arched double door, which was opened by two marble—sculpted Roman soldiers stationed on both sides.

The first thing that caught Rippa’s eye was the brass statue across the hall. About two-thirds of the way from the front door, a wide, stone stairway started, which then stopped midway at a raised platform, before splitting into two that led to the two corners of the gallery on both sides of the building. On the platform, against the backdrop of a wall, on which a large circle of Roman numerals made a clock, stood a brass statue of Buttons in a tutu. The kid’s left prosthetic leg was pointing between eleven and twelve, while the right hand pointed at the number six.

Rippa took out her phone and checked the time. Eleven thirty-two. “Does that move?” she asked.

“Yes,” Buttons answered, and then boasted. “Goggles is amazing, isn’t he?” She then turned to Goggles. “What did you change?”

Goggles pointed towards the front-right corner of the palace. “I’ve split the library and made you a smoking room.”

“Eh? Why?”

“Because Miss Rippa would find the whole place smelling of your pipe rather unpleasant.”

“You smoke?” Rippa was shocked.

“And then I placed guards in the cellar,” Goggles went on.

“Huh? Why?” Buttons demanded.

Goggles looked at the kid, and then they communicated something in silence.

Whatever they talked about, Buttons nodded and approved.

Goggles then turned to Rippa. “Now, Miss Rippa, this will take only a minute. This way, please.” He gestured towards the arched double swing doors to the left.

Rippa followed the man, with Buttons trailing behind her. It was the kitchen. A big kitchen. To the right of the swing doors, there was—

“Wow!” Buttons rushed to the thing. “This is nice!”

It was a soda fountain. With six nozzles and an ice dispenser, but the buttons above the nozzles lacked labels.

“What would you like to have in this?” Goggles asked Rippa.

“Huh? You are asking me?”

“Yes, of course.”

Rippa settled on Cola, Monster Ultra, Sprite, and Dr. Pepper for now. Goggles said she was always welcome to add the remaining two slots or suggest changes.

“Alright,” Goggles clasped his hands, “now let’s show Miss Rippa her guest room, and then yours. Then perhaps we have some tea before lunch?”

“Sounds good to me,” Buttons nodded.

“My room?” Rippa was, once again, surprised.

“Yes, Miss Rippa. Oh, by the way, your ring has now been updated,” Goggles pointed at the teleportation ring on Rippa’s finger. “Think of it as… a waypoint unlock.”

Buttons tugged at Goggles’ elbow. “How about Mamapin and Papapin?”

“Yes, yes, theirs, too.”

“But they’ve never come,” Buttons pouted, and then looked at Rippa. “Do Mamapin and Papapin feel unwelcome?”

“Look,” Rippa raised both her hands to slow things down, “Buttons, they like you, but this is all rather so sudden.” She looked at both aliens. “These things need time.”

Buttons pouted again, but didn’t argue.

Goggles, on the other hand, nodded. “Well, I hope we prove our trustworthiness in due time.”

Goggles led Rippa back out to the hall and up the stairs, to the back corner of the left gallery. While passing the statue clock, Rippa took out her phone and checked the time. She noted the statue had moved its hand and was pointing at the right minute.

“I dance around the clock. Neat, isn’t it?” Buttons remarked, having noticed Rippa checking the time.

Rippa flashed a quick smile.

The upper gallery on the left had two doors near both ends. Rippa noted the door near the stairs was guarded by a Roman soldier. The three, however, turned the corner to the right. Behind the clock wall was a straight hallway, with four doors to the left. The first one was guarded by another marble soldier.

“This is the bath,” said Goggles as they passed the guarded door. He then stopped by the door next to the bath and opened it. “And this room is for your use, Miss Rippa.”

The room was rather modest, and about double the size of Rippa’s room back home. A queen-sized bed, a balcony overlooking the backyard, a writing desk in the corner, a wardrobe, and an arrangement of two armchairs and a coffee table. It reminded Rippa of a hotel room.

“Wow,” Buttons looked around. “This is nice.” She then rushed out and went to inspect other rooms. Shortly after, she came back rather disappointed. “They all look the same.”

“I tried,” Goggles shrugged. “I ran out of imagination.”

“Buttons, you live here.” Rippa pointed out. “Why you act like you’ve never seen it?”

“Because these rooms weren’t here this morning?”

“What?” Rippa then turned to Goggles, who remained nonchalant.

“So, Miss Rippa. What do you think? Anything you wish to change?”

“Well, erm, I…” Rippa looked around the room once more. “I guess the toilet is in the hallway?”

Goggles blinked. He looked as if he was caught off-guard. “Oh…” He then looked at the vacant corner near the bed. A small room appeared. “Sorry about that.”

Rippa gulped. She approached the newly appeared room and opened the door to it. It was a bathroom with a shower booth, a washbasin, and a toilet equipped with a bidet. The whole thing just… appeared.

‘Motherfucker,’ Rippa muttered under her breath, and winced. She was relieved Goggles didn’t seem to have heard it.

“If you have any other suggestions or requirements, please let me know anytime,” Goggles offered.

“Yeah… thank you.”

“Come on, I’ll show you my room,” Buttons invited.

Rippa took one more look around her room and followed Buttons back out to the hallway.

Goggles and Buttons led her back to the room near the corner, and the marble soldier stationed there moved his spear to make way. He opened the door for the three.

Inside was an… office. An entire wall was lined with tall shelves, densely packed with binders, each labeled either with years or with some names. In front of the shelves was a rather modern-looking curved desk with a glass top. Rippa was amused to see a triple monitor setup on it. Next to the desk stood, oddly enough, a mailbox.

“Buttons told me you do taxes…”

“Oh, why, yes, I do,” Goggles beamed, “and asset management. It’s a hobby of mine.” He eagerly gestured towards the binders.

Rippa silently digested that information. ‘What the heck?’ She looked around. The ceiling was domed and was painted with a circular mural that depicted a ginger child reading, smoking a pipe, drinking tea, and singing. Clearly, Buttons. Rippa felt warm in the chest looking at the mural.

To the right, there was a double door, which was, this time, guarded by two soldiers. They uncrossed their spears and opened the doors for the group. Behind the doors was a corridor to another double door that was again guarded by two soldiers. There were two chairs flanking a window, and Miss Pendrake was sitting in one.

‘When did she get here?’ Rippa wondered once again.

Miss Pendrake stood up and nodded. The soldiers uncrossed their spears and opened the door for Buttons and Rippa.

And, finally, Rippa was in Buttons’ bedroom.

The first thing Rippa did was to discreetly check the doorknobs. There were no locks. Neither from inside nor outside.

“She is not a prisoner,” Goggles’ voice made Rippa jump.

“Sorry… I just…,” Rippa blushed. “I thought it was odd that the room could be accessed only through—”

“Eh? There’s one more there,” Buttons interrupted, and pointed to the right of her bedroom. There indeed were swing double doors. “It goes to the bath.”

Rippa recalled the layout. The bath that was guarded outside in the hallway.

“That’s a lot of guards—” Rippa turned to address Goggles, and almost jumped.

Next to the double door they had entered through was a chair against the wall. Madam J.D. sat in it.

“Oh, sorry. Didn’t see you,” Rippa apologized.

Madam J.D. nodded politely.

Rippa looked around. She had expected something grandiose, but the room was, like her guest room, modest, except it was larger. A large bed, a balcony, a small writing desk in the corner, and wooden crates full of toys and dolls stacked against a wall. At the foot of the bed, though, were two prosthetics: one wooden peg leg, as Buttons had once mentioned, and a skin-toned faux leg.

The ceiling here was domed, too, and was painted with a 360-degree scene of some countryside, as if Rippa was standing in front of a thatched hut made of logs and earth. The humble house stood atop a low, green hill, looking out over the rolling hills and other huts in the distance under an overcast sky. Rippa thought the rather boring painting was a good choice. It’d help the kid fall asleep easily.

To be honest, Rippa felt the room was a bit meh. Yes, it was definitely cozy and felt lived-in, but there was no bling. Nothing high-tech alien about it.

“Wow, Buttons, you keep your room very tidy,” Rippa settled on commenting on that aspect.

The kid quickly looked at Goggles and Madam J.D. and then flashed a dishonest smile.

‘Of course, the maids do the cleaning,’ Rippa noted. She cleared her throat and decided to be blunt. She turned to Goggles.

“So, her room doesn’t have direct access to the hallway? Isn’t that inconvenient?”

Goggles met her eyes. “As I said, she is not a prisoner.”

Buttons let him speak.

“And you are not the reason the guards are in place,” Goggles addressed the point Rippa had decided not to raise.

Rippa let out a small sigh of relief.

Goggles continued, “If someone… or something with bad intentions is powerful enough to reach our little abode without me knowing about it, it is a given that they will head straight for Buttons.”

Rippa took time to digest that. She glanced at the alien kid. The entire layout screamed one message. ‘Over my dead body, that’s what he’s saying.’