Magical Girl City: Empire of Ice

There was a clench. A subtle one as I instinctually felt for my ice. So subtle, that I wouldn’t have noticed it, if not for the bath we were in. It took a flex of will to prevent it. To cut it off at the source.

I felt like an animal, an animal with a thick hide and a soft belly. A belly that was currently exposed and in the open. So easily ripped and torn into, just asking to be taken advantage of. Every part of my being screamed at me to curl up, to put up my defenses.

After all, I was literally at my most vulnerable. Even with a few drinks down the gullet, I would soften but not be fully exposed. Not like this. I was pretty much naked, exposed. Not in any position to defend myself, physically, mentally, or emotionally.

It was… terrifying. In a way, preventing myself from curling up, was an expression of trust. One that I hoped Liche would realize.

“You were afraid of… me?” I asked, cautiously.

She nodded, “Yes.” She responded.

I swallowed, “Why?” I asked, my throat dry.

“That moment… when you were impaled. The moment you broke free. The way you laughed, smiled. How you threw yourself at her. Stabbed her through the heart. Each moment, each instant, it… it keeps replaying in my mind every time I see you. Only now, with you like this, do I not see it. Like, somehow, whatever it is, is completely gone. Or, just absent.”

Not for the first time, I was flummoxed. Perhaps a better word would have been, ashamed, but… I wasn’t. I felt no shame for what I did, what I had become. No, because in that moment, I had become truly me.

In that moment, I had dredged up the worst of me. The true me deep under the ice, still inside the lake after all these years. The part of me that wanted nothing more than to claw free. A me that did, every time I transformed.

While transformed, I understood it all too well. I wanted to be the focus, the center of the world. To have eyes on me, and only me. It was just how it was, how I was.

What really bothered me, floored me, made me speechless, was the thought that. The realization that, Liche wasn’t just scared of me, but the real me. because, if that was true, then… I didn’t think we could ever continue to work together.

Perhaps sensing my gaze, or rather, my intent. Liche spoke out.

“To be honest, it wasn’t just you…” She said, a tad hastily. “At the time, I thought it was, but seeing you like this, I think I understand. Rather, seeing you these last few days, trekking with you in the forest and now, seeing you like this? I realize, it’s not really you I’m afraid of.”

“Then what is it?” I asked, a tad annoyed and frustrated.

“I’m afraid of… myself. Or rather… when I remember how you acted, how you pushed forward like that… What you go through in your day to day, just to achieve what you want. It makes me scared, terrified that I might not be so different deep down inside me.”

I had to blink at that, though… It made me laugh. Loud, unconstrained. It made Liche jump and glance at me in bewilderment.

“So, that’s it…” I muttered, the relief in my voice, palpable.

Blinking, Liche spoke. “So, you know?”

“Well, now that you said that, it makes sense. I mean, there’s a reason you’re a rabbit, isn’t there?”

My words, hit the nail on the head. Liche groaned and leaned back. “You’re not wrong… during the last event, I’ve talked to a number of people. And even if we haven’t been here long, it’s not hard to pick up on the patterns, I mean…” She sighs…

“Even with Joan, I can tell something is up. It’s not hard to piece together the reason why we were chosen…”

“Right? It took me a bit, but by now, I think I have a good handle on it.”

“Truly?”

“Well, it’s more of a guess, not a guarantee.”

“And what would that guess be? I’m curious.” Liche asks.

On a whim, I decided to indulge her. “All our lives, we’ve hidden or ran from our problems. We’ve always been kind of, wishy-washy with what we want, or what we want to achieve. Which leads to us giving ground, over and over, thinking we can always try again, that we would get another chance. Until finally we hit a certain point, a point where we are forced to finally look at ourselves, where we are going where we are headed and realize we don’t have a choice. That we hit a dead end, that there is no second chances, no do overs, that this is it. And in that instant, we make our choice.”

“And what would that choice be?” She asks, staring at me, practically boring holes into my skull with her eyes.

“To stop running, to fight back.” I respond, all too easily.

She doesn’t reply, but I see her bite her lips, her eyes glanced away. I could tell, this was a pivotal moment. That Liche was wavering between embracing who she truly was and abandoning it wholly and truly. The scales, at this moment, were perfectly balanced. Neither for, nor against.

A single word from me could tip the scale either way. Objectively, it would be better to do nothing. To let her figure it out for herself, it would be, the right thing to do. After all, what right did I have to interfere with her life? What qualifications did I have to dictate or even decide in what direction she went.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t a good person. No, knowing who I was, I made my old boss look like a saint in comparison. After all, I killed the man when he beat me. Nearly killed Leo when he managed to get one over on me.

I hated losing. Hated being second. Hated not being in the spotlight. It was childish, but it was who I was.

The best answer, the good answer, would have been to steer Liche away from all of this. To help her embrace a life away from being a magical girl, from further progressing her power. Letting her just fade into the background.

I doubt she’d live well as it was. Following me. Or even if she broke, I don’t think she’d have a good end. The problem was, I didn’t care. I wanted Liche to follow me, to become her very best. Even if it was also her very worst.

I wanted her to be useful to me. To help me pursue my goals, no matter what price that may entail…

So, I opened my mouth. I told her the dark truth. The core of who I am.

“Remember my old boss?” I said. Kicking my legs in the water.

“Hm? I mean, kind of… why?”

“Well, I told you that before coming here, I got into an argument with him, right?” I say.

“I don’t know, and honestly, I don’t remember the details exactly.” She answered back.

So, I told her. How we met, how we worked together to build a company, and eventually the final confrontation.

“So, what then?” She asked. “Did you just leave? I mean, I can’t imagine a betrayal like that…”

“Yeah… it was a betrayal, but… really, I should have expected it. He was that kind of person. And honestly, so was I. We were really very much alike.”

“Really? So, what, you turned the tables on him?”

“Kind of… well, in a way.” I said, dodging the subject. Even if my mind was made up, actually saying it aloud felt… it made me feel dirty. Like exposing a strange birthmark or showing off an unconventional mole in an odd place.

Though, putting something like murder in such a category was… wrong. It was a dirty secret, something not meant to be shared and yet… I was curious. Morbidly curious to see her reaction.

Part of me dreaded baring this truth to the world. Like exposing a long rotten wound. Another part of me wondered, would she too understand? Would she agree with me? Would she see things as I did?

There was only two ways this conversation could go. Very well, or very badly. A coin flip, not even. It was a desperate gamble, a pointless gamble. I should wait, hold until a more appropriate time and yet…

Seeing Liche like this, knowing that a single well-placed word could change her fate. That was tempting, oh so tempting.

So, this really was the last chance to step back. To back off. To not make this choice. But… I was already too far gone, and looking at Liche, watching me with that hungry gaze. Almost like a dog desperately begging for a treat.

I felt hot. A trill down my spine. Being the center of it all. Having her attention solely on me. That was almost answer enough.

“I killed him.” I said, stated plainly as if it were nothing. Liche blinked, recoiled almost like she was slapped. And yet, her eyes never left mine. If anything, all she could see was me.

I leaned forward, no, I closed the distance. Crawled forward, little by little as I continued.

“I did feel betrayed, but really…” I said almost breathlessly. “I was angry. I felt stupid, embarrassed. Like, how could he? How could he get the better of me? How could I have not seen it coming?”

I said, with each word closing until I was right before his face. “Seeing that smile on his face, like he’d won just made it all the more frustrating. I couldn’t just leave. Not after all that. No. But I didn’t know what to do, I felt all this anger, this hate, this rage building up inside me. Like a shaken up champagne bottle looking for release. Just waiting to pop.” I leaned forward, making sure to emphasize the last word in her ear, blowing onto it.

I felt her shiver. In both fear and anticipation. Pulling back, I looked into her eyes, her eyes looked right back into mine. She didn’t look away, didn’t shy away as I brought my hand close. Cradling her chin.

“Then, I saw it. On his desk, his favorite little pen. He used it to sign everything. Loved the thing. Had his name engraved on it and everything. Next thing I knew, it happened. I was on him. Pen in hand, thrusting it into him, over and over. Again and again.”

With each word, I felt something inside her quake, shake.

“Each time, I felt my heart thump my blood quicken. Every time that pen entered and exited his body filled me with such ecstasy, like, for the first time in my whole life, I finally felt in control.” I continued, speaking.

“And… what next? Did you…?” She said, almost dreamily. Her body burning.

“I killed him. Thrust it into his eye. Saw the gleam leave it.” She was panting at this point. I could feel a resonance between us. Her heart thumping in rhythm as mine as she too felt what I had. The sense of catharsis, of finally breaking free.

And yet…

“Did he beg?” She asked. Her voice cut through the noise. Like a ray of sunshine cutting through a storm.

“What?”

“Did he beg? Did he cry?” She asked, the hunger replaced with something else. A desire, a need.

“I…” I had to blink. The question took me off guard. “No… no, he did not.”

“What did he do then?”

“He smiled… kept telling me that I was just like him. Even… even when I killed him, he was still smiling… Like, he’d expected it. Wanted it.”

And all at once, I felt whatever momentum I had, bled away. Liche blinked, almost as if waking from a trance. She noticed how close we were, and…

“Sorry… I need to…” She pushed me off, or rather, she didn’t even need to push. Just the motion had me pull away. She practically fled, only remembering her clothing after stepping out.

I, however, remained dazed. The feeling wasn’t pleasant. Like being so close to something, a big release, an awakening of… something. Only to be denied at the last moment. A rush of clarity hit me like a truck.

All I could do was submerge myself and let out an aborted cry of shame. Anger. And something else.

I finished my bath shortly after. My mind a frazzled mess. Replaying, over and over again my conversation with Liche.

What the hell had I been doing? Why did I get so close? What was that feeling?

It felt wrong. And the more I dwelled on it, the more I felt like I had messed up. Desperately, I sought for something, anything to take the edge off. Drinks? A no go. Nobody had brought any alcohol. Even throwing myself into exercise or training did little to ease the burn, the ache.

With no vice… it was only natural I remembered that. It was always within reach. Seemingly taunting me. Mocking me. Even now, just reaching into my pocket, a pocket that should have been empty, it came.

A carton for cigarettes, in which, only a single cigarette rolled around inside. One look was all I needed.

“Just one wouldn’t hurt… right?” I murmured. Fingers itching. A familiar tingle running through me. Just one, that’s what I needed. Somebody had to have a lighter I could borrow, something.

And by some miracle, or perhaps curse, somebody did. Taking it, I went off to some corner of the town. Huddled in a dark alley, leaned against the wall. The motion familiar. I took out the cigarette, prepared to light it…

“Prima, is that you?”

I jerked. Very nearly dropping cigarette and lighter both. I glanced over at the entrance to the alley. Standing there, was Diana.

“What are you doing out here? I heard you came back and I wanted to talk with you…” She pauses. Her eyes narrow. I fidgeted, almost like a child caught with their hand on the cookie jar.

“I thought you said you quit?” She asked, almost innocently.

“I did… I just… felt like I needed one, ya know?”

She gave me a long look. It wasn’t a pretty one. It was a look I never wanted to see. The same look she, Alex gave me whenever I came back, exhausted, tired, half-dead after work.

I wanted Diana to turn around and leave with all my heart. This wasn’t her business after all. She didn’t have to do this. Shouldn’t have to get involved in my mess.

But, there was something in her gaze. Something that firmed at seeing me as I was. A something that made her step forward, into the alley. I shuddered as she approached. Afraid, fearful of her next words.

“You okay?” She asked.

I opened, closed my mouth. Trying to seek an answer. Eventually, I settled on a single statement. “I need a drink, bad.”

She frowned. Her eyes flicked to the cigarette. “Nobody brought anything…” She started, “But… we did find something… so, how bout letting that go?” She pointed to the cigarette.

I wasn’t sure what to say. But, I did as she asked. I let it go and followed her back to the inn. There was a strong smell in the air. The smell of a stew cooking over the fire. Of freshly baked bread.

Diana sat me down, got me a bowl of food, and after a bit of discussion with the girls that came with, came back with a small jug of something. It was sealed, and the moment the seal was broken, a strong scent filled the air.

It was alcohol. Clearly some kind of rice wine. Probably sake of some sort. She poured me a small cup, and there were a few glances, but nobody stepped forward.

I gave it a whiff. It was strong. Just the scent alone was enough to burn my nostrils. And just that was enough to light a fire in me. I gulped the cup down in a single go.

It was like liquid fire. It burned me to the core. Before she could even speak, I poured myself a second, third cup. Each gone in a single flick. Only then did the burn work away the pain and ache.

Only then did I eat.

The alcohol was strong. Quickly, even keeping my eyes open was difficult. Still, I wolfed down serving after serving of food, and before I knew it, I was being helped into my room where I collapsed.

Nestling into blankets. Doing my very best to hide away from the world, I cocooned myself. And just like that, I fell asleep.