Hungry Flames
I’m sitting in my room in front of the open brazier, staring into the flames. They dance, stretching their hot and greedy tongues out for more, ever more fuel, never truly satiated. Even in my past, live fire felt odd, as if it were alive. It breathes, it eats, it grows, it multiplies, and it dies.
*Rip, Sizzle*
I rip another piece from Janus Bedding, the only evidence left from that night. And throw it into the open flame, playing a perverse game of ‘should I stay, or should I go?’
*Rip, Sizzle*
Why should I stay?
*Rip, Sizzle*
I have made friends in this cold Fortress, actually even more than in my previous life, where I just had two. In this world, I had three or four, depending on whether Otto just saw me as a student or not.
*Rip, Sizzle*
The initial ridicule and distrust had wholly disappeared, and people began to approach me for even the most minor ailments. If I were to leave all the grandmas and grandpas, they would have no one to take care of their aching backs and cloudy eyes. Benjamin has made significant progress recently, but it will still take years for him to replace me. Speaking of Benjamin, right before the festival, he finally grew back his missing tooth. But he still struggled with simple scar removal, and there was still no progress in regrowing lost body parts.
*Rip, Sizzle*
As for the rest of my class, only two would be able to form their core in the next six months, but the rest would follow soon. And even though it’s true that they wouldn’t need me to create their core, and I only know the very basics of their respective magical elements, it still vexed me to my core to leave my new students.
*Rip, Sizzle*
I liked Roots and the Cafés. Juliet’s parents had just released a new dessert they had been working on for the festival. It was similar to Tiramisu, but with many more layers stacked on top of each other than a traditional Tiramisu. With buttercream, it was simply divine.
*Grumble, Rip, Sizzle *
And Rosalia said she would gift me a whole new dress design just for me to wear during this year’s winter solstice.
*Sigh, Rip, Sizzle*
On the other hand, staying here for too long is dangerous. Even Benjamin noticed that the way I’m using healing magic is abnormal. He wouldn’t suspect me of being able to use death magic, but I can’t be so sure about this new priest. If they manage to bring him here, then he will report me to the church. There was no doubt in my mind.
*Rip, Sizzle*
And even though I’m currently getting rid of the only evidence left, I couldn’t guarantee that no one saw or heard me and Janus that night. If it comes out that we spent a night together, even if no one accused me of rape, it would still reflect poorly on him and me. I had rejected quite a few decent men who only seemed to care about sex. They would definitely make fun of me, the Hypocrite who had denied them under the claim they had impure motives, and yet had a one-night stand. And I don’t even know how other nobles might see Janus for sleeping with a commoner of no rank or status.
*Rip, Sizzle*
Now, only one piece remained a red stain in a once peerless sea of white. The Flames seemed to dance even more violently in anticipation.
*Rip, Sizzle*
*Drip, Drip*
Tears were falling down my cheeks. I didn’t want to leave. It would be most reasonable to go. But knowing and understanding are two different things. I knew I had to, but I couldn’t make up my mind. It kept darting back to that night.
Why did I do it? Just why? I still didn’t know…
No, I did. I’m sexually attracted to Janus, and even though I’m overcome with guilt, I still can’t forget that night. I felt disgusted with myself. My whole life, I had looked down on rapists. And now I had become a rapist myself. All these people who had ruined their lives and the lives of others only for their own satisfaction, their own desire, and now I’m just like them. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror.
I wanted to scream it out into the night, confess my sins and pay for what I did, and yet here I remained crying in my room for hours while burning the sheets I had soiled. I’m such a coward.
I was still sitting in front of the open brazier, staring into the dancing flame. Which, unbeknownst to me, had begun to take on a faint, dark hue. Its flame, starting to resemble dark tendrils.
When I came to my decision.
I will stay.
But only until Janus comes back with the priest, and I can face him one final time.