Guilt
No matter what I do, I cannot stop thinking about Janus and what I have done.
And all this free time certainly didn’t help. I had nothing to distract me.
Rika left shortly after an hour of fruitless and worried interrogation, claiming she was swamped with work and would need to go.
Lazy liar.
I haven’t had a single dead patient since I started working in the clinic. My work has made her job a lot easier because she doesn’t have to reassign new Rooms for deceased soldiers, and she has to order fewer Medical Supplies.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Rika as a friend. She has helped me find my way in this new world and has helped me understand what it means to be a “woman”. However, I don’t know how to deal with her at the moment. She seems convinced I have been assaulted. Even though it is the other way around. I was the one who assaulted Janus. When she asked me where the filthy pervert was who dared to lay hands on me, it felt like a rusty knife slowly twisting in my gut.
Sigh, even ranting in my head about her couldn’t distract me from Janus. How disappointing.
Usually, Janus shows up at the clinic to talk with me after his training, but today, he wasn’t there. It was odd, but I welcomed it right now. So, I was surprised when he also didn’t visit the next day. Weirdly, however, Jack showed up with a weird look on his face as if he was holding something in and a question on his lips.
Maybe he is constipated?
“Hey, Ruby, how are you? Have you heard the news?”
“Eh, Hello, Jack, I’m good, but what news? Are you alright? You don’t look too good.” Jack usually never visits the clinic for fun, so I was worried something had happened when he opened the door, but it seems my worries were pointless.
Jack didn’t mind my surprise and reported, “Janus and Joe and fifty others are going on a Mission to get the new Priest back.”
“Ok, when are they going?”
Jack looked down when he heard my innocent question, but still answered meekly, “Today.”
My Eyes grew wide. I stared at Jack before firing Question after Question at him. “What? Does anyone else know about this? Do they intend to make it Public? When will they be back?” I had come closer with each question, now standing directly in front of Jack, looking up at the much taller man.
“Calm down. Calm down. Our father intends to make it public to draw out potential spies. Janus and Joe will be back in 2 to 3 Months, but they have...” Before Jack could finish his sentence, I was already out of the door. 2 to 3 Months would be too long. I felt a surprisingly strong urge to see him before he left.
Even days later, I would be unable to tell why.
I sprinted out of the clinic, leaving the confused Jack behind. I ran past many people and around many corners, but Janus was nowhere near the inner gate when I reached it. Just some bored guards who shot me a curious look. I scaled the stairs leading up to the battlements. Still, all I could see were the backs of riders slowly drowning in the distance between the harvested Hills of Wheat and Sunflowers.
He had already left without even talking to me. They wanted to make it public, so why didn’t he tell me? Did he perhaps remember what I did? I wanted to approach and talk to him to see if he knew, but now I’ve lost my chance. For the next two months, I would have to continue sitting on hot coals.
A few seconds later, Jack was panting next to me.
“You left before I could tell you. They already left This Morning.” He sounded very exhausted.
“Have you always been this fast?”
He kept asking a few more questions, but I didn’t listen. I just stared at the receding riders until even the tips of their Helmets drowned in the now barren hills, a strong wind blowing through my hair.
**Janus Side**
I didn’t want to leave without saying anything, but it just felt too awkward. After I had come to terms with my Feelings, I had no idea how to face her. It felt like torture. So, I kept my distance and departed the next day. Hoping that after this Mission I would know what I want to say.
Joe and the other men were very excited and quite happy about the new Mission. With my sour face, I stuck out like a sore thumb.
Eventually, Collin, my squire, approached me and asked.
“Is everything alright, Ser?” The boy had just turned 14, not even an adult, but was already as big as an adult with dirty blond hair and black eyes that looked like coals in the boy’s freckled face.
The look in his Puppy eyes appeared genuinely concerned. Do I look that unhappy?
I answered, “No, I’m alright. I just want this to be over as soon as possible.” A few of Joe’s men overheard me saying this and began to laugh, and one of them said.
“Hahaha, we can still see the Walls, and he already wants to return to Ruby’s lab.” Rage was bubbling up inside me, but before I could tell them to shut their mouth, someone had already started to shut them down.
“Shut up! Or I will send you back with a broken Jaw.” Surprisingly, Joe stood up for me.
“J-Joe I...” I tried to say it, but he stopped me.
“Save it for later. And for the rest of you, stop laughing. We have a mission to complete! You can gossip when the work is done.”
The men tucked their heads behind their shoulders and rode on in silence.
I was stunned. I had never thought I would see the day Joe would defend me. It was almost like when we were both kids. Joe always loved the attention and often played the leader. He changed only after his mother fell out of Favor with my father. He began to avoid me, and slowly but surely, it felt like he hated me.
“Why did you help me?” I asked Joe, who was still riding beside me.
“I just don’t like them talking about my family members like this. And soon the enemy could be all around us. We must take this seriously.” Joe answered without much trouble. Of course, it wasn’t because he suddenly liked me. And he was right. We can’t allow ourselves to be careless.
We were a group of fifty-two men, all on horseback. Joe and I each had a squire, and the group was formed from the most capable men my father had to offer. Some might wonder why Joe is here. Could a man like him really be counted among the strongest? Yes, he could. Joe was born with a unique talent to never miss a target. His bolts and arrows always hit. He could even do it from horseback. If the enemy was in range, he would hit them.
My own talent lies with the sword. I haven’t yet achieved as much as my father, who can even cut further than the length of his own sword. My father has Managed to master the use of what we call aura. Aura is the term used to describe abnormal achievements. Humans can sometimes exert their Bodies. A sword cutting through stone, an Arrow that follows its target, or a spear that can fight a dragon are all possible with aura. Magicians say that aura is the same power they use to cast magic, but it is more based on talent and instincts. However, they haven’t had much success convincing people of their theories.
Most of the men chosen for this Mission could use some of it, including Collin, my squire, who could track smells better than any dog.
While I kept distracting myself with these Thoughts, I caught a single strand of white hair, blowing past me, in the side of my eye. I turned around, and there, back at the fortress through the grain stubble, I could see a person with white hair on the Fortress battlement. It was Ruby. She must have wanted to see me off, but arrived too late. It was heart-wrenching watching her standing on the battlements. For just a second, I entertained the Idea of turning around.
“Ser, we have to go.” Collin reminded me while pulling on my arm.
“Yes, let us go.” I forced the words out and urged my Horse on while murmuring to myself.
“I’m going to get this Spineless Priest!”