Palimpsest

In the accounts that predate the First Schools, she is not called the Allmother. She is not called anything. She is described only as the woman who killed a god in the river town, because for a long time that was all anyone knew. The stories spread from mouth to mouth along the trade routes, growing and losing detail at each telling, until there was a version in every city that agreed on almost nothing except that it happened.

It was not until she had been walking for years that the people who had heard of her began to connect what she had done to what she carried. By then, she had already given it away.

It took three generations for the stories to agree on her name. They have not yet agreed on her face..

— Chronicle of the First Age. Ledger Archives, Marialis branch. Transcriber unknown.

Chapter 32 A Woman With Fiery Hair

When she opened her eyes she shut them again on reflex and turned her head the other way, because the pale light coming through the shutter was falling directly on her face. She tried, without hurrying, to open her eyes again to the half-light of the room. After a few minutes of squinting at the wall she stretched as though she had only just rediscovered her body. The blanket was wrapped so tightly around her that moving was not quite easy. Kaelin didn't normally sleep tidily; most nights she ended up half-uncovered. She remembered plenty of mornings of waking up with her back in knots. When at last she looked at the other side of the bed she saw that side was much more orderly, and that there was an extra pillow beside her own. "Vaelra?" Without thinking too much about it she pushed herself slowly up — and at the same moment a solid ache cracked open in her head.

"Fuck."

Drinking too much at night always came with a tax, and Kaelin generally drank as if she would never have to pay it. Just as she could never remember the end of the night, she always wanted to forget the start of the day. And yet, like a drunken dockhand, at least four nights out of seven, she would do it again. She finally got to her feet, head pounding, and let her eyes travel around the room. The other bed had only one pillow on it and was already made. I overslept, she thought, and crossed to the small table by the window. She leaned over it and dipped her hands into the wooden bowl of water on top. She lifted some water in cupped hands and threw it at her face. "Fuck. I hate mornings," she cried out, at the same moment.

Without quite drying her face she stepped out of the room, still trying to get her eyes properly open, and cracked open the door of the room across from hers. When she put her head in she saw belongings scattered around and two beds, one of them still unmade, both of them empty. She closed the door and headed for the stairs, then on down. When she reached the bottom the light hit her eyes from both the window and the door, which had been left wide open. She couldn't see anything for a few seconds.

"Morning, sunshine," somebody said from across the room. The voice came around something he was chewing, and she knew them all well enough by now to know it was Tivver. "Not yet," she answered, without looking.

When her eyes finally adjusted to the light she looked toward where the voice had come from and saw all of them at the same table as the night before, this time eating breakfast. Catching every one of them looking at her and smiling, she felt a little odd, but she didn't say anything; she came over and sat down in the empty chair beside Vaelra. She reached for the warm bread on the table, put a piece in her mouth, then drew one of the boiled eggs to herself.

"I hope I didn't keep you up too much last night," she said quietly, leaning toward Vaelra.

"Keep me up?" said Vaelra, puzzled. "Darling, I slept alone last night." Kaelin had been so sure of the opposite that the answer caught her completely off-guard. If not Vaelra, then who had she slept next to? Ravah? One of the guys? They were all carrying on as if nobody had any problem with anything — perhaps she had slept alone after all.

"Seriously, mate, you have got to do something about that foot smell," Darian said suddenly to Tivver, picking up what sounded like a conversation that had started before Kaelin had come down.

"We walked all day. What did you expect?" Tivver said from the other side of the table. "You sort out that snoring of yours first. Excuse me — that roaring."

"How am I supposed to control myself in my sleep?"

"Don't sleep, then."

"Which is precisely why I seriously considered abandoning these two clowns and sleeping outside last night," Ravah cut in, in the most weary voice she could manage. Vaelra found that fairly funny. Kaelin was aware she enjoyed this kind of bickering between them, too. But then something occurred to her: if those three had slept in the other room, and Vaelra had slept alone … Her eyes went straight to Veylith across from her, who was drinking her water. The moment Veylith looked back, Kaelin's eyes shot away in panic and fixed themselves on the door. She could feel the tips of her ears going red.

"Come on," Veylith said suddenly, getting to her feet. Kaelin was still too embarrassed to look at her. "You two are coming with me," Veylith said, indicating Tivver and Vaelra.

"I haven't even finished," Tivver protested, but Veylith was already on her feet and not listening, and had put on her hat. Then she came round, slowly, to Kaelin and laid a hand on her shoulder. Kaelin started, and turned to her hesitantly.

"We'll go and see about buying some cheap horses. You lot pack up upstairs and be ready to leave," she said, and held out five lorins. "Settle our bill on the way out."

"Uhm — sure," Kaelin said, taking what was offered quickly. Then she turned back to her food at once. Veylith looked at her for another beat, then headed for the door. "Come on," she called over her shoulder as she went out.

"You all right?" Darian asked Kaelin, who was still looking after them. Kaelin turned to him and nodded yes. Then she looked down at her food. What the fuck am I doing, she thought to herself.

"I have to admit, princess, I was impressed with you last night," Ravah said, breaking in.

On top of everything else turning in her head, Kaelin tensed up at this sentence, the meaning of which she didn't quite catch. "What?" was all she managed.

"The drinking, I mean. I was impressed. A woman your size drinking like that — it's really something. Tivver would probably have died." Ravah giggled. Kaelin had rarely seen her laugh, and for some reason it loosened her up a little.

"Lots of practice, I suppose," Kaelin said, smiling. Of all of them, it was odd that it was Ravah who had managed to settle her. She'd shared something with almost every one of them, and yet she hadn't been able to talk to Ravah much at all. "Why do you keep calling me princess?" she asked.

Ravah didn't seem in the least surprised by the question and went on eating. "Because of how you looked the first time we met you in those tunnels, I suppose."

"How I looked?"

"I saw a delicate, beautiful woman in a red dress, and I said princess." At that Kaelin, against her will, blushed a little. "Does it bother you?" Ravah added.

"No, I was just curious. It isn't easy to tell whether it's a compliment or you're teasing me."

"However you want to take it, princess. But in fact it's neither." When Kaelin looked at her as though she didn't follow, Ravah went on. "I call you that to tease you, because you've proved more than enough times that you're not delicate. But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop," she said, and smiled. Then, draining the water in her mug as she got to her feet, she added: "Just so you know — I won't let anyone else tease you with it, either."

"So there really is no compliment in it," Kaelin said, not knowing what to do with this unexpected emotional moment.

"Your beauty has nothing to do with whether it's a compliment, princess," Ravah said, and touched her shoulder as she passed and headed for the stairs.

Once she had eaten a little more, the loosening from the alcohol had begun to fade. But as that and the needless tension from a moment ago slid into the background, the ache in her body began to creep back in. A general dull soreness through her whole body had started to wear on her.

"Whenever I spend too much on healing someone, I feel as if I've been hollowed out," Darian said suddenly from across the table; he had finished eating and started smoking.

"Huh?"

"I have to rest afterwards and gather my strength back. It's the same for all of us." He went on, and Kaelin kept listening, not knowing where he was going. "When Vaelra calls that shadow of hers she's drained almost instantly. Even small uses cost her. Even when Tivver picks a lock, the bit of force he uses to feel out the whole mechanism slows him down. Even the shaping Veylith uses for her ammunition has its price. What about you?"

She paused for a moment to think, then said, "Usually I feel depressed, or sad. But physical tiredness — "

"So controlling someone's emotions doesn't come back to you the way ours come back to us, just as fatigue. Is that right?"

"Huh," Kaelin said, struck that she had never noticed it before.

"Most of the time, I think, you suppress what's bad in someone and give them pleasure," Darian went on.

"Usually, yes."

"And then you feel sad and depressed afterwards." Kaelin nodded, and started wondering where he was going. "Have you felt that way at all since the night of the incident?"

"No, actually," Kaelin said. She hadn't even thought about it. She had known that she had been feeling better, but —

"But you've used your gift since then, haven't you?"

"Three or four times, I don't know. But yes."

"You used it on Veylith after we got you out, when she was wounded. You used it when we got Vaelra out of the dungeon. And the last time, on Veylith again, after she'd been beaten down to nothing in that alley."

Kaelin went back through those moments in her head one by one. As she tried to see where he was leading, she finally caught the thread. Her eyes widened and went to Darian.

"Veylith had a bad wound in her stomach. Vaelra's arm was a mess." Darian paused, watching her surprise. "I'll bet you've also been feeling tired, as if you'd just come out of a fight," he added.

"Fuuuck." The shock and the surprise of it broke out of her. "Every time I use my gift — "

"It stays with you," Darian finished. "Just like the bad feelings you take from other people, the pain becomes part of you, too." Kaelin put the bread she'd been eating down on the table and leaned back. The fact that the only thing that had ever made her feel useful was directly hurting her had finally landed. Darian went on smoking and watched her sink into thought. Then he went on. "Do you have any idea how to deal with it?"

"Of course not. What can I do?"

"Because you are too good a person."

"What?"

"You're so good that you've never even seen the thing right in front of you. Most people would probably call that stupid."

"What are you talking about?"

"You take people's pain and give them pleasure, right? Has it ever occurred to you that you could do the opposite?"

That last sentence struck Kaelin like a punch. She had been so focused on using her gift on clients at the Red Lantern and getting by, she had never even thought about what else it might do. "So what you're saying is — "

"You can take people's pleasure away and give them their pain back," Darian finished for her again.

"But to do that — " she said, drawing herself up to the edge of her chair.

"Wouldn't be right? That depends on how it's done and on whom. Killing a man with a dagger isn't a right thing to do either, is it?"

Kaelin sank back into her chair at that and was silent. She had lived through so much that she'd nearly forgotten she had killed a man. Or perhaps she had been trying to forget.

"Think it over," Darian said, and got slowly to his feet. As he passed her on his way to the stairs he murmured, "We should pack up. Tivver can haggle for hours, but we need to be ready to go when they come back."

For a long time Kaelin sat there without moving, thinking. She began to see what she had been doing, and how her gift had been working on her. And what was more, this was the gift she had been born with, the one she had had for years — not the Truth Script Tarr'en had spoken of. If she couldn't even properly understand the gift she did have, how was she going to use one that was far greater? Darian had opened a door for her, but behind the door there was nothing but more uncertainty and more reservations. When at last she set down the long-empty mug, she noticed that the table had almost been cleared. She had been so deep in her thoughts that she hadn't noticed Rynella's daughter clearing the table; she only saw her now as she was carrying the empty plates back to the bar. Now she was walking back toward Kaelin with empty hands.

"Would you like any more?" the young woman asked, gesturing at Kaelin's empty mug.

"No — thanks," Kaelin said, sliding the mug she was still holding across the table to her. The young woman picked it up and gave her a smile that Kaelin hadn't expected at all. Almost on reflex, Kaelin returned it. Then the girl carried the mug to the bar and got down to gathering up the dishes. Kaelin watched her in a kind of daze for a while. What would it be like, she thought, to be in a quiet place away from any crowd, doing an ordinary job? Then a clatter came from upstairs at the foot of the stairs.

"Shit."

She had completely forgotten that the others were upstairs packing and that she was supposed to be helping. The moment she heard the sound she leapt up from the chair and ran for the stairs. The girl watching her sprint from the bar laughed quietly to herself, and then her face took on a much more thoughtful expression; plate in hand, she went on looking in that direction for a while longer.

…

While Ravah carried most of the gear out and set it down by the door, Kaelin and Darian were coming down the stairs with the rest. Both of them put what they were carrying down beside the rest of the things and Darian and Ravah dropped themselves into the nearest chairs. Kaelin turned and walked toward the bar, throwing a sideways glance at the girl who was sitting in the corner with the lute in her hands. When she reached the bar she set the five lorins from the satchel down on the counter.

"I think this should cover all the trouble we've caused," she said, looking at Rynella, who was wiping plates with a cloth. Rynella glanced sideways at the counter and went on with her work without looking up.

"Do you remember the rumour I told you about last night?"

"The ones about the people who caused all that trouble in Marialis?" Kaelin answered. A small tension trembled in her voice. "Of course."

Rynella threw her a short sideways look at that. "People are telling another story too. Something a wounded warden soldier told them, from the station." Kaelin had gone stiffer and kept listening. "He said that while he was lying on the floor he saw the room light up. He raised his head and there was a woman standing in the middle of it. A woman whose hair was burning, blazing like fire." Rynella paused, but didn't look at Kaelin. "He thought what he saw was the Allmother — the woman from the legend who stabbed the god with a dagger. Then he passed out again. Do you think what he said is true?" she said, this time setting her work down and turning to Kaelin. Trying not to show anything, Kaelin held her eyes for a moment without answering.

"It sounds like he had a rather pretty vision," she said at last, forcing a smile. "Like the soldiers who said they saw angels in wartime."

"I've heard about those, too. But as I recall, those soldiers had mistaken the nurses for angels." Kaelin didn't answer. "Keep your money," Rynella went on after a short silence.

"Uhm — what?"

"We don't have much use for money out here. What we need is something else entirely. Helping travellers like you is one of the things we have to start remembering how to do again. Besides, you'll need it more on the road."

"I — I don't know what to say."

"The stew was left over from the afternoon. The beer was about to turn. The sheets needed changing — two years ago. So there isn't really much to say." Kaelin picked the coins up off the bar and gave the woman a grateful nod, smiling. Just as she turned to go, Rynella said one last thing. "Trust your instincts, always. The help will come to you."

Kaelin looked at the smiling woman with a mixture of surprise and something close to a shiver. She was about to say something when the door opened sharply and Ravah called in, "Come on, Kaelin, they're back." Kaelin's eyes went to the door on reflex; when she turned back, she saw the woman stepping out from behind the bar and going down the stairs at the side, toward the cellar. Then, as she walked toward the door in small steps, she kept looking back at the staircase.

Outside, while they were loading the gear onto the horses, she went on thinking, for a while, about what Rynella had said. The same sentence turned over and over in her head. As they finally walked the horses toward the edge of the village, Tivver broke into her thoughts. "There was no need to even bargain with the man. We bought the horses for less than half of what they're worth. Best we get out of this village before he realises we cheated him."

"I'm with you on that," Vaelra added, climbing onto one of the horses and pulling Tivver up in front of her. Ravah had done the same with Darian. When at last Kaelin looked at the horse that came up beside her, she saw Veylith holding out a hand to her. She took it and Veylith pulled her up by the arm and onto the horse. Then she swung herself up in a single neat movement and settled behind Kaelin. Sitting a little higher than her, looking forward, she took up the reins.

"Any trouble settling the bill?" Veylith asked quietly into Kaelin's ear.

"The opposite," Kaelin said, leaning slightly sideways and glancing back. Then she took the lorins Veylith had given her and held them out behind her. As Veylith took them she gave Kaelin an almost questioning look. "Me too," Kaelin said before Veylith could say anything.

After a short silence Veylith said, "There's a great deal here we don't understand," and steered the horse toward the green at the edge of the village. "I know," Kaelin said in a thoughtful tone. But Veylith went on: "Like how you managed to snore like that all night." Kaelin flushed instantly. "Shut up."

◈◈◈

The man was stroking his beard as he examined the shirt hanging on the wall of the ruined house. The dried stains of blood and the small cuts on it were plain at a glance. Then he took the shirt in his hand, looked at it more closely, lifted it to his nose, and smelled it.

"They'd made camp here. They must have moved off in the night," the rider standing behind him said in a near-pleading tone. "I know which way they went. If you'd let me — "

"Let you?"

"Chief Baltrik, I can find them again. Give me another chance — "

"Chance?" Baltrik cut in. He raised his head and, for a moment, looked at the woman standing outside the broken wall. Once their eyes had met he turned back. "To fail me again?"

"But Chief — " the rider stammered, stepping closer behind him. Baltrik, with a swift movement, drew the knife from his belt, turned, and slashed it across the man's throat. By the time the blood started coming the knife was already back in its sheath. The man, trying to speak, choked and crumpled where he stood. Baltrik turned in the direction of the woman and began to walk.

"I do my own work," he said.