Chapter 16.3
The abrupt noise of my phone blaring out a 9am alarm, I warily rubbed my eyes and switched it off, urgh, why did I decide to wake up early? Only it wasn’t that early, I’d slept almost 12 hours again but still felt heavy, that tingle in my throat worse than the night before. as I sat up I felt more than a little discomfort in my head.
In the bathroom I looked at myself, and then it dawned on me, the telltale puffy eyes. I had a cold, only, with Covid still doing the rounds, maybe it wasn’t just a cold. I didn’t feel that bad, at least not as bad as the reports had been saying. But I had been out in the last few days, those shop visits, plenty of time in enclosed busy spaces.
My heart sank a little, I couldn’t get Ill now, I’d just made a plan, things had finally found a place and I knew what I was going to do for the next few weeks at least. Having a cold didn’t fit into that, having Covid definitely didn’t fit into that.
Grabbing my phone I checked in on the nhs website to see what they recommended. It was basically stay at home and self isolate for 10 days unless you get really ill, then call an ambulance. Well I wasn’t that ill so I could just stay in, but at the same time, my plan had daily walks, trips to the shops, to the café to hang out with Ellie, I needed those to stay on top of this.
Feeling a little despair at the prospect of being couped up when I’d just planned my freedom, I looked at other options. There were testing sites, I could go get tested, and have results in a few days, at least if it wasn’t Covid I’d be back out and not feel as trapped. There were home testing kits, but id have to buy them if I could find some and god knows how much they cost.
The site directed me to another page where I could find my local test centre, I looked for appointments, and they actually had one for later today, and I jumped to book the slot. The online form asked for my details and I cringed at having to select ‘Mr’, my thumb hovering awkwardly over the other options, in particular ‘Miss’. I hadn’t thought about my pronouns, sure, I had considered updating all my paperwork but that was a future me issue, not having to face that right now.
And then I realised I would have to go by all my old details, the system wouldn’t know who I was otherwise. At least I could be grateful my first name was gender neutral, and if I was honest I still liked it, it was still me. Pushing that aside, I filled out the form, clicked confirm and moments later my phone pinged with a confirmation of my booking.
It also dawned on me I would probably have to present as the old me too, flinching slightly at the thought of boymoding out in public. I still had some of my old clothes, I could put something together. I’d have a mask on at least, and it wasn’t like I was trying to pass like before. only now it kinda felt like I was going to have to try to pass as a guy.
I felt suddenly a little overwhelmed, like my subconscious at already made the shift that I wanted to be a girl but the rest of me was still playing catchup, clinging on to the middle ground where I’d been playing for the last few months. I took a deep breath, my throat now feeling a little raspy. It was going to be OK, I just had to go out, dress as a boy, have a doctor swap my throat, and then come back. Minimal interaction, it wasn’t a big deal, I repeated to myself.
With my phone in hand I fired off a message to Ellie, I hoped she wouldn’t mind, but I know she would have some positivity to bring. I then rolled my eyes, she wouldn’t be up for at least and hour or two, I was just going to have to fend for myself for a little while. The plan, I’d follow the plan.
Pulling out my notebook I looked at what I was supposed to do, today was a workout day and I laughed to myself. I wasn’t that ill but I really wasn’t feeling it, yoga would be ok though. A cup of herbal tea, some paracetamol and a bit of light stretching yoga, I could manage that.
I pulled on my usual excersize outfit, washed down a couple of tablets and fired up the kettle while I found an online tutorial. As my lemon and ginger tea stewed I started following the video. It was OK to begin with, I was already disappointed at how much form I’d lost having neglected it recently, but I also knew I’d get that back soon enough, and the injury on my hand not getting in the way too much.
Half way through I had to stop and take a break, I was a little out of breath and my throat was really starting to feel sore, the paracetamol not quite working yet. Adding some honey to the tea and taking a decent sip helped sooth me somewhat, as I struggled through the remainder of the tutorial.
As it finished, I felt both better and worse. Better for using my body, for feeling the stretches burn and open the joint and muscles, but my breathing was definitely affected. The drugs had numbed the pain somewhat, but I could now feel my throat restricting air, this really wasn’t good, as the thought of overflowing hospitals and ventilators filled my mind.
As if on cue, my phone rang and Ellies face lit up the screen, she looked like she’d just woken up, still very clearly in bed. I enthusiastically said ‘hi Ellie’ but trailed off and immediately clasped my hand over my mouth. My usual, well practiced soft voice croaked and cracked, sounding deeper and completely alien.
“Oh babe, you sound awful, have you taken something for it?” she said, concern written all over her face. I nodded, not wanting to hear my own voice, I paused, I wanted to speak, but it just sounded so ill fitting. Sighing, I took a little breath, and in the quietest, softest voice I could manage, whispered “im going to get tested later, I had to fill the form out as the old me, I didn’t expect to feel like I didn’t want to be him anymore so soon” my voice fading completely towards the end.
Ellies expression eased, and with a slight smile “it’s ok, I know it might feel like a big deal, but you just have to take it as a little step, and you have to remember they don’t know you, they don’t know what to expect, you’re still you regardless of what you present like”. I could feel my eyes welling up, I didn’t know why this was such a big deal.
“I know, but I said I wouldn’t rush, I’d take my time, and instead its like my brain has already decided the old me shouldn’t exist anymore” by the end of the sentence I’d given up trying to control my voice, it was too much effort. The it wobbled and cracked, the lower register grated in my ears, made worse by the raspiness added by my sore throat.
By now tears were running down my face, and I could barely look at the screen, Ellies voice cut through “honey, its going to be OK, its not going to be forever, you’d be surprised how many guys like a raspy voice, last year I totally messed my throat up when I became obsessed with deepthroating one of my toys, now I can tell you that was an awkward chat with the doctor” giggling a little as she finished.
I laughed an irritatingly deep laugh “there she is” Ellie beamed, “seriously though, I’ve done one of those tests, you wear a mask, stand in a spaced out queue, show them the appointment QR code, they give you the test stuff in a bag, you find a booth and either swab yourself or ask someone to do it, and then post it in a box before you leave. You don’t have to talk to anyone, don’t have to explain yourself.”
It didn’t sound so bad, as my eyes began to dry up, she continued “They don’t really care what you look like, you don’t need to go with a face full of makeup and leave those platform heels at home unless you’re feeling particularly daring”, I stifled another laugh at the thought of me rocking up if my favourite camming outfit. They wouldn’t know where to look.
“I guess you’re right” I whispered, “of course I am, trust me, just pick something cute and comfortable, they wont bat an eyelid regardless of whatever pronoun is on your document. Just put on your big brave girl pants and you’ll be fine”. I could only nod, feeling myself begin to choke up again.
“Why don’t we pick something out together, go pull some things out and we’ll get you looking ‘medical tent in a carpark ready’ in no time, there’s a good girl” my heart fluttered a little as she said the last bit despite the sarcasm, being seen as a girl was one thing, being called one was another and I hoped she didn’t see my cheeks flush as it had the unexpected effect on me.
As I walked over to the wardrobe, she continued “So what im thinking is go with one of your really nice fitting jeans, stretch fit, comfy but also something to make you feel good and show of that amazing ass”, I snorted “Ellie, im trying not to draw attention to myself, I don’t want my ass hanging out!” she countered my laugh with a big smile “I know babe but if you’ve got it you should flaunt it, and you really do!” my face flushed, maybe she was a little bit right.
“And then pair it with a hoodie, you could go oversized if you have one, that way you can decide how much ass you want to show” she was now failing to hide how much she was winding me up, her face remaining neutral, but her eyes sparkling with mischief. I tried my best to ignore her and rummaged through some jeans.
Holding a pair up, they were light denim with torn knees and a few patches here and there. They were tight fitting but with a decent amount of stretch, more importantly I could tuck and package myself in them and still be comfortable “yes those could work, but you need to try them on for me” came a voice through the phone.
“Seriously? or do you just want an excuse to see me naked?” I croaked. She laughed “What’s a girl to do? Tight things and your ass go so well together, and if you do have covid and have to self-isolate how else am I going to get my fix?” she mocked with a sweet voice biting her lip. My face now burning bright red, I could only do my best to give her a look of disapproval, even if on the inside I adored her attention.
Setting my phone down I stripped out of my clothes, she gave me a wolf whistle as I pulled of my yoga top and leggings and stood in a sports bra and panties. I scowled an unconvincing scowl at the phone, and reached for the jeans she’d selected. Pulling them up they got a little wedged mid thigh, I twisted and pulled and eventually slid into them all the way, accompanied by a sigh from the phone.
Ellie was covering her mouth but her eyes said everything, she was clearly enjoying the show, even if I wasn’t even trying to be sexy. I grabbed a regular t-shirt and then held two hoodies, a grey zip up one which was tighter fitting, and a black baggy one. Clearing her throat Ellie recommended the grey one, and I put it on.
Id only worn this once before, and it was when I had my falsies attached, back then it filled out gloriously, and I recalled how happy the silhouette had made me, but now it hung loosely on the chest, with only the lightly padded sports bra to fill it but tight round my stomach, it wasn’t that it fitted badly it just didn’t feel right, mismatching the memory of when I had breasts. “That looks great babe” I could hear from the phone.
“I don’t know, I’m not so sure, it doesn’t fit right” I spoke almost to myself, it was making me feel really self-conscious, like my body wasn’t right for it, even though visually there was nothing wrong, despite the protests from Ellie I removed it and slid into the black one.
It wasn’t oversized, but having bought it when I was bigger it had plenty of space, you could just about make out the padding on my chest but it not clinging to my waist and stomach meant it was at least a little more proportional, twisting in front of the mirror my outfit was ok. I’d tucked well enough that the jeans fit nicely without giving anything away, and the hoodie was generic enough that I clung on to some semblance of masculinity even if it was by the thinnest of margins.
“You look great hun” she chimed, “now if you want to go really low-key, add a beanie or cap and whatever trainers you’ve got. You can probably remove the bandage from your hand too, give it a little clean up with some disinfectant and then add a small band-aid, you’d look really cute with a little eyeliner” she finished with a knowing smile.
I put on some trainers, and rummaged for a cap and stood back infront of the mirror, my face must have said everything as Ellie immediately tried to convince me I looked ok “But I just look like a guy with long hair and skinny jeans, it doesn’t feel right” I sighed, slumping my shoulders. “From where I’m sitting I don’t know any guys that look that good in jeans, maybe lose the hat, add a little flick of eyeliner, and that way your nails wont look out of place”.
I looked back at my hands, I couldn’t believe I hardly noticed them any more, what stood out to me wasn’t their bright colour, rather the chipped messy edges where I’d clumsily attempted to remove them. I looked back to myself, I ruffled my hair in an attempt to style it, and then put on a mask as if I was about to leave. I huffed at my reflection, it felt better without my face showing so much, but I still didn’t feel confident going out.
“Hey don’t be so hard on yourself, you look good and you’re only boymoding for a little bit, an hour at most. Out down the street, stand in a queue for a bit, deep throat a swab and then right back home” her voice finishing with a chuckle as she managed to shoehorn some sort of innuendo to try and make me feel better.
Smiling a little I pulled off the mask, taking a deep breath “I know you’re right, I just didn’t think I’d find it so hard to present as a guy, I used to do it all the time” wincing at the sound of my croaky voice, I desperately wanted to go to the bathroom and put on a full face of makeup, to give me something to hide behind, but I knew if I did that I’d feel just as self conscious knowing they’d see my details when I scanned in, and this voice, no amount of youtube tutorials were going to hide this.