Chapter 4.11
“Um… so… you know how your friends didn’t like you changing plans?”
“Yeah.”
“Well… for me, I think it was kind of… talking about all… that stuff.”
“The… stuff with your parents?”
“…Yeah. Like, at first it was fine. People would check in on me—call me, text me, ask if I was doing okay. But… I think after a while I kinda started needing it too much.”
I frown.
“‘Too much’?”
“Like, I would try to catch up with my friends or whatever, but they’d be all ‘I read this cool book!’ or ‘I got a new bike!’ and I’d be all ‘My mom won’t stop crying!’ Okay, like, I didn’t actually say that, obviously, but it became, like, a thing. ‘Don’t ask Sakuragi-kun how he’s doing or he’ll just make you sad’ or whatever.”
“But that… that’s so messed up!”
“It… certainly wasn’t great,” he says again. “And I tried to dial it back! And it would work, for a little while—people were back to being all sunshine and fuckin’ rainbows—but I felt so… invisible. So… I stopped trying. And so did they.”
“I would never do that,” I blurt.
The words are out before I’m even aware of having the thought, and—
Was that the right thing to say?
What is he gonna say?
I immediately tense up.
The silence that follows doesn’t help.
“…You can’t promise that,” Sakuragi-kun mutters eventually, and…
Okay, not quite the reaction I was expecting.
“Huh? Why not?”
“Were you even listening?” he snaps. “People. Change. What, you think my friends were just sitting around going ‘boy oh boy, I can’t wait to stop talking to Toji someday’?”
“Well… no, but…”
“All of them meant it when they said that they care about me or that we’d be ‘friends forever’ or whatever the fuck.” He sniffles. “…They meant it until they didn’t…”
“I’m not them.”
“They weren’t them either at first!”
I blink.
“That… they weren’t…”
“Sorry,” he mutters. “That sentence came out weird.”
“…A little,” I chuckle.
“I’m being serious, though. Sometimes stuff just… happens. Even when people don’t want it to.”
I sigh.
“Okay, you’re not wrong,” I admit. “I’m just… not ready to give up on people, I guess.”
Sakuragi-kun doesn’t say anything, and… I’m not really sure what that means?
It would really help if I could see his face at times like these.
“…That’s not what I’m doing,” he says eventually.
“Um… it kind of is, though? Isn’t that what you were just saying?”
“No!”
“‘No’?”
“…Yes?”
“…‘Yes’?!”
“Would you stop just repeating what I say?” he snaps.
“I’m sorry! I’m just honestly confused.”
Sakuragi-kun lets out a frustrated growl into his pillow.
“God, why is this so hard to explain?” he moans.
“Maybe you just suck at explaining things,” I tease.
Sakuragi-kun is quiet for a moment.
Then—
“…It hurts.”
“Oh… I’m sorry, I was joking—”
“Not that. The… thing. It hurts.”
“Losing people?”
“…Yeah.”
He seems like he has more to say, so I wait.
“…Like… really hurts,” he says eventually. “Not just for a little while.”
It feels like he wants to keep going, so I wait for a few seconds.
But when he doesn’t say anything, I figure it’s my turn to talk again.
“I… get it,” I say carefully. “Losing friends sucks—my old friend group breaking up was one of the most painful things I’ve gone through.”
“Exactly,” Sakuragi-kun says. “So… why would you just… put yourself in danger like that?”
“Because it happened!” I say. “And I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything. So when I think about it all together like that… I don’t know, it doesn’t seem so bad.”
“Also,” I continue, “Sometimes having friends sucks too—like when you fight and stuff? So what, I’m not gonna make friends, either?”
“I… don’t know,” Sakuragi-kun mutters. “Maybe it’s just… not worth it.”
I blink.
“Like… ever?”
“I don’t know! Maybe!”
“‘Maybe’? As in… there’s no amount of happy memories I could ever have with somebody that would make up for the possibility of getting hurt?!”
“Well… the more happy memories you have, the more it’ll hurt, so…”
“Sakuragi!”
“Please don’t yell at me,” Sakuragi-kun says, his voice cracking.
It takes a moment for me to realize what he said, but—
Oh…
Oh no.
Next thing I know, I’ve slipped out of bed.
Sakuragi-kun is lying down, his right side sitting on top of the futon and both his arms wrapped around the same pillow he has currently has his face buried in.
I drop down onto my knees and place a hand as gently as possible on his left shoulder, doing my best to imitate the small shushing noises Mama makes when I’m upset.
“Heyyy,” I murmur. “I’m really sorry—I didn’t mean to yell.”
“I’m fine,” he insists through his pillow, his voice a little wobbly.
“…Are you?” I ask as… un-teasing-ly as I can. “Because you sound kinda… not-fine.”
Sakuragi-kun doesn’t respond for a second, then peaks up from his pillow shield.
I do my best to maintain what I hope is a calming… vibe… and whatever I do seems to work because after another second the pillow lowers more, leaving Sakuragi-kun’s whole face revealed.
“…I’m sorry,” he snuffles. “I’m making such a scene.”
“…In my dark bedroom?”
A startled little snort escapes him, and I grin.
“Theeere we go,” I say softly. “That’s better.”
Sakuragi-kun slowly drops his pillow to his side, then slowly pushes himself up into a sitting position. It’s hard to tell much about his face in the darkness, but his movements are slow and he rubs his hands over his face a couple times.
“I’m really sorry,” I say again. “I really didn’t mean to upset you. You just… scared me. A little.”
“I did?”
“Ye—well… ‘scared’? ‘Surprised’? It’s… not what I thought you’d say.”
“What I hoped you’d say,” I mutter more quietly.
“Yeah…”
“…I’m sorry, too,” he adds after a bit.
“You don’t have to be sorry!” I say quickly. “I don’t want you to be sorry! I… I know that this probably isn’t easy for you, and… god, I feel like I’m just making a mess of things.”
“Things were already a mess on my end,” he says in what sounds like he’s trying to make a joke? But his voice is a bit too flat for it to have the desired effect.
“Things can always get worse,” I say in what turns out to be a way-too-similar tone.
“True,” Sakuragi snorts a laugh. “…I still kinda feel likeI’m the one who let you down, though.”
“You… but…”
“…Yes?” Sakuragi-kun prompts, a hint of challenge in his voice.
I freeze for a moment, then settle myself down onto the ground next to Sakuragi-kun’s futon.
I turn to face him…
Then think better of it, turn to face the same direction he is.
I’m never gonna get through this if I’m searching his face the whole time.
I take a deep breath. Try to… fit everything together in my brain.
“Like I said…” I start carefully. “It wasn’t the answer I was hoping for. But… I don’t think that that’s the only thing that matters, right?”
“…No?”
“No! Right? Like… sometimes there are things that aren’t fun to talk about, but you still kinda have to anyway?”
“Like… this entire conversation?” Sakuragi-kun chuckles.
“Hey! I’m having a great time!” I tease, shoving his shoulder with mine.
“Yeah, watching me cry, you sadist,” Sakuragi-kun gives another snotty little chuckle.
“Fine—‘things that aren’t fun for Sakuragi Tojito talk about’,” I amend, giving a little wicked chuckle after.
“I’m… having fun,” Sakuragi-kun mutters, and it’s so quiet I almost wonder if I wasn’t meant to hear it.
But… I can’t help myself.
I turn to look at him.
“…You are?” I ask.
“Mhmm.” He doesn’t turn, just… looks down at his lap. “…Sadist or not, you’re still better at talking about this stuff than my old friends were.”
Old friends.
The phrase feels like a tiny win that I don’t have time to celebrate.
“I…”
I cut myself off, but it’s clear from Sakuragi-kun’s face that he heard me. That he’s waiting to hear more.
Another quiet settles over the room.
Then, before I can lose my nerve—
“I… I grew up here,” I say eventually. “And Yunohana is a… pretty small town—”
Sakuragi-kun snorts softly. “Ya don’t say.”
“Okay, pipe down, city boy—I am going somewhere with this.”
“Okay, okay. Sorry.”
“Like I was saying,” I continue. “I grew up here, in Yunohana. And like most small towns, we don’t really get new people very often. Like, it’s a little different for us with the springs and everything, but that’s usually adults, you know?So… when a new kid showed up, I just… I dunno. I didn’t really know how to handle it.”
“You really didn’t,” Sakuragi-kun snorts.
“Yeah, yeah, I know,” I chuckle. “I was very cool and normal about the whole thing.”
Sakuragi-kun lets out another reluctant snort, and something warm curls in my chest.
“But… then you gave me a second chance,” I continue more quietly. “And the more I got to know you, I just…”
The words catch in my throat for a second.
Sakuragi-kun turns to look at me, but I… I can’t…
“I really like you, Sakuragi-kun,” I admit. “You’re smart and funny and—and—and oh my gosh you know, like, so much about baseball. I don’t even know what you’re talking about half the time, but you just light up when you talk about it and then I can’t help but smile too. Our extra practice sessions are so… well, painful, usually. But they’re also, like, one of the best parts of my week and…”
My cheeks feel like a million degrees, but I swallow the new lump in my throat.
Force myself to meet his gaze.
“I want to be your friend,” I murmur. “I’ve just been terrified of messing this up, and… that’s why it scared me. That thing you said.”