44. No Wind, No Waves
「Katsumi」
So here is the thing. When the girls instructed me to pay attention to how I feel and how tired I am because of the whole demon-induced involuntary blood letting debacle, I might have agreed to it, but also there is a tiny problem:
I’m always tired and exhausted!
That’s like, my baseline.
I have those kind of dark circles under my eyes that only the really good concealer is able to smother. Gracious gifts of my night time activities.
I come home and I train. I train my voice and my spells and then I train with my weapons, trying to improve my sword and naginata skills.
I’ve stopped calling what I’m doing with my makeup training, that’s just Katsumi-fun-time at this point. Future girl-me is already ahead of the curve regarding that skill by my estimate. Also the weird hex that made my handwriting all round and flowing seems to have helped to improve that skill too.
And when I’m not doing the sword and naginata stuff, I’m out on patrol with Haruki.
So I’m never found in the warm embrace of my bed before midnight.
The point being: I don’t know if I’m more tired than usual.
How I'm supposed to know?
Though I just nodded off there for a second inhaling my cup-ramen in the break room. So one could argue I’m a bit more exhausted than is typical for me, but hey, I don’t feel dizzy.
Everything is fine.
Hikari says something passing me but I totally miss it.
“Sorry what was that?”
“Said, you ready to spill the reason for your mystery holiday? Wedding, birthday party at a resort… wait… it wasn’t a funeral was it?”
“No, no funeral. Visited a regional festival with my friends.”
Yawn… I’m too sleepy to hold a conversation.
A full day of being the best konbini drone one can acquire for such an insult of a salary was enough and I still have to drop off my blood stained clothing. Also I should somehow manage to at least do some voice and spell casting training before crashing onto my futon.
I open my phone with one hand, not letting go of my chopsticks in the other and scroll through my camera roll. We took so many pictures that day. There are a lot.
I stop at one that shows all the girls in their yukatas, a nice group picture I took of them. Their smiles are infectious even across time.
It was a nice day.
I hold up my phone to show Hikari. She snatches it from my hand.
“Awww〜. Small and cute I know, that’s Chie. Tall and handsome?”
“Haruki.”
“That means the one in red and black is Mayumi and the one in yellow is Hotaru?”
“Full points.”
Hikari grins, “They look so nice.”
“They’re great.”
I take another scoop of ramen and hold out my hand to get my phone back.
Hikari starts swiping.
『 ! ! ! 』
Wait that’s not allowed!!!
She can’t do that!
STOP, STOP, STOP!
My hands turn clammy.
“Can I… can I have my phone back?”
Hikari ignores me and continues.
She tilts her head.
Another swipe.
I start sweating profusely.
“Can I have…”
Her eyes go wide.
She stares.
She starts zooming in and out, biting her lower lip.
Her eyes land on me.
Oh… fuck!
She turns the screen of my phone around so I can see.
It’s a picture of girl captured mid laugh wearing a pink yakuta, a cherry blossom pin in her hair.
“And who might this be Katsumi?” Hikari asks with a sardonic smile, her voice coated in unabashed glee.
『 BUSTED! 』
Freefall…
I'm done for.
This is a nightmare.
Quick check, am I wearing pants?
Doesn’t matter, nothing could be worse than the girl I like catching on to the fact that I like dressing up as a girl, pretending to be one.
This is so embarrassing.
I want to sink into the floor.
I swallow dryly.
“My sister… ?” it comes out as a painful wheeze.
That was the least convincing sentences I’ve ever uttered in my entire life.
Hikari’s lips split into a devilish grin.
“Sure〜.”
Yeah she’s not buying it. That’s fair.
I wouldn’t either.
Why did I ever surrender my phone? That was supremely stupid. I should’ve taken it right back. Now she knows that I crossdress!
SHE KNOWS!!!
She’s gonna take me for a pervert…
What should I do?
What is there to do?
Denying it at this point would be useless.
Her inquiring look pushes down on me like a boulder.
I open my mouth to answer and choke on something, so instead of a reply Hikari gets me coughing rather pathetically.
I stammer out a quick, “W-w-we don’t have to talk about it.”
A glint in her eyes.
“But Katsumi, you’re such a beautiful girl.”
WUAH!!!! WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAAAA!!!
『 brain.exe has stopped working… 』
. ﾟ . . ✦
『 死 』
What the fuck!?
This is like getting achievements for a game that hasn’t even released yet.
With my cheeks burning and my brain firing wildly in every which direction, I decide to pour all my attention onto the cup in front of me. Perhaps I can transfer some of this excess heat I seem to be producing and reheat my sad meal.
Can you pass out from getting red, because I think I’m about to.
“D-d-don’t s-s-say stuff like that.”
“But what if it’s true〜?”
I feel dizzy.
I’m so not looking at Hikari.
“It’s nothing. The girls talked me into it, it’s all their doing.”
“Oh if it’s nothing, you won’t mind if I send myself this picture, right?”
WHAT!!!
I snap around to grab my phone, but with me sitting and Hikari still standing she pulls it out of my reach with ease, holding it above her head.
“HEY GIVE IT BACK!”
“Only if you promise to send me this picture.”
“Not happening!”
I jump from my seat to take back what’s mine.
Since Hikari is smaller than me, she leans back to keep me from reaching my phone.
We’re face to face, our bodies are touching.
The distance between us is gone. We both halt, caught by the other’s gaze.
Her fine features, flush cheeks and red lips, parted ever so slightly, are so close. I can feel her breath falling across my skin.
If I could just…
“Figures…” Shiro, listless voice cuts into the scene.
Wait didn’t he already leave?
He shuffles past us to the lockers, his backpack lazily slung over one shoulder.
I snatch my phone from a frozen Hikari, abandon her and turn to Shiro.
He has his back to me facing his locker.
Something takes hold of me, something that channels a girl telling her reflection that she’d never get caught, something that just maybe sees a certain lone huntress as a role model.
“Has no-one ever told you, it’s rude to interrupt.”
What leaves my throat is a low purr, sultry yet domineering, and most definitely not the voice of a man.
Shiro seizes up completely.
I open my own locker right next to him, to take my stuff.
He doesn’t move, he’s as rigid as a board.
I leave, glancing at a stunned Hikari as I do so.
The heavy, warm air of a summer night hits me.
I hardly care, I have stuff to get done before I can finally rest.
With a determined stride I enter the dry-cleaner next door and throw my bag onto the counter. It doesn’t take long for a familiar face to emerge from the back, one that is visibly rattled by my appearance.
“Good—Katsumi?!”
Forgoing a greeting I pull out my white top whose right side is caked in blood.
“Can you fix this?”
His face loses some color, “Uh…”
“Don’t worry it’s mine. I’m a hunter and sometimes these demons actually get a hit in.”
His color doesn't return.
“That’s a lot.”
“Yeah but I’m fine, look at me. Not in the hospital or anything, just a little bit more tired than usual.”
He glances back and forth between my face and the bloody piece of clothing.
“You wear… dude! You crossdress while hunting!? Is this some secret identity shit? The girl who hunts demons at night is actually a guy kinda deal? Yooo…”
What is he on about now?
I'm too fatigued for this.
“Maybe. Now can you fix this? It was a gift.”
“Yeah… should be doable.”
He fidgets nervously as if he wants to say something else.
“So… uh… I think I should apologize… dunno what I did wrong, but you seemed really pissed last time.”
DOESN’T KNOW WHAT HE DID WRONG!?
This guy…
“Yukio, you made me out to be a joke!”
“Dude it was just a prank idea.”
"I’m not a prank!”
“Yeah… no like, man it was just a thing to play on the guys. Not like serious.”
“It’s not funny.”
“Understood. Shit… you know… I wanted to ask you if you want to come up the mountain with me? No other guys, just us two.”
“Hu?”
“Man, you are a lot more difficult, but easier too.”
“What?”
“To talk to... I’m going to take my bike up the mountain on the weekend and I wanted to ask you if you want to come with. I wanted to show you the view, because man, it’s the shit.”
“Okay. I'll think about it.”
“Really!?”
Don’t look too surprised my guy. This isn’t about you, but getting away from the mess I’m in for a hot minute and get out, sounds nice. The day at festival like, totally helped.
“Yes.”
I say my goodbyes and leave.
Fuck, I really need to sleep.
■ ■ ■
「Kaori」
Kojou Kaori’s steps hit the pavement with precession. A perfect click-click-click-ing rhythm of heels striking ground hailing her arrival. She might have dressed down for the occasion, as much as a woman of her standing could, but some mannerisms are harder to suppress, not that she has any intention of doing so.
Recently, a certain nouveau riche leech forgot her place, and had to be reminded of her position. A tiring affair. To even think she could utter a single hint towards such an implication. A Kojou—even a disgraced one—lower themself to marry outside the Kazoku? The impropriety of it all. The gall. She let Lin Qingxue handle the matter, it was beneath her to talk to such a… person.
And yet an assessment of the potential damage is necessary. An inspection Kaori took upon herself. Various facts on the ground have been gathered, and she knows better than to rely on second hand reports when it comes to something so close to the family.
At least that’s what she relayed to Lin Qingxue. The truth however, as much as it pains her to admit, is that this is too close to her heart. Kaori needs to see her in person and ensure that her little brother-turned-sister has not been affected by these pathetic machinations. If she has been… well…
Her fists tighten at her sides.
Perhaps Lin Qingxue will get to earn her keep.
Straightening her linen blazer, Kaori places herself as the singular speck of perfection among the grime of these low-rent apartment blocks. To think her new baby sister calls a place such as this home. How things have changed. What a fall.
At least the area is relatively safe. She checked, of course. Any hint of danger and private security would have been discreetly posted nearby, but that thankfully wasn't needed. Involving any more people in this would create a cascading list of complications that could not be reasonably accounted for.
Her watch confirms it’s 21:54, though the near silent darkness around her would say that much. If the dossier is correct Katsumi should still be awake. Kaori presses a thumb against the worn door bell.
Minutes run by before a girl opens the door and Kaori has to fight back a chuckle because it most certainly is a girl that stands before her.
Her hair, despite its current wild state, looks well taken care of. Holding a fine silky sheen that catches the light. The length sits comfortably, half way between her chin and shoulders, framing her striking features under a curtain of straight bangs. Long slender clean-shaven legs peek out from under the only garment she appears to be wearing, a t-shirt several sizes too big. And the way the fabric of the shirt falls… oh my, lil sis are we developing?
Thoroughly distracted, it takes her a moment to register Katsumi’s shocked expression and rigid state. It takes effort to suppress her grin, but the spirit of it still comes out in the amused timbre of her voice
“Hello, Katsumi.”
“Big sis… wha-what are you doing here?”
Oh this is too good. Katsumi’s voice sounds husky but unmistakably feminine. The clear tremble of fear is the icing on the cake.
That grin finally splits Kaori’s lips, unable to be held down any longer.
“Katsumi, did you truly think no one would check on you after a half a year of silence?"
“I…”
"Aoshi and Kenzou keep asking about you. So does mother. Also, you never called Aoshi.”
"So? I got nothing to say to him. I know I fucked up. What would we talk about? How I was an idiot?”
Isn’t that something: a Katsumi that takes responsibility. Has her decision to become a girl come with a sudden moral clarity, or did the moral clarity help with the decision? But as always, a complete disinterest for her older brothers has remained.
“You might not care, Katsumi, but other people do care for you. We worry.”
With her words, sharp enough to cut, Katsumi hangs her head in shame, avoiding her gaze. This is getting more interesting by the minute, where is Katsumi’s signature false bravado? The string of elaborate insults? The deflection?
Before, when Katsumi had hung his head in shame, he would pop up the next second later like a wind-up doll. Spouting expletives and declarations of grandeur. Insisting that everyone was beneath him.
But it seems that Kaori’s demeaning and petty little brother has taken a leave of absence. She has a little sister in front of her, one that squirms under her very presence.
“Get dressed, Katsumi. We’re going to grab a bite.”
Head still low she replies, “Okay. Wait,” and starts closing the door.
“You’re having me wait outside?”
Struck down by her arched eyebrow and tone, Katsumi halts.
“It’s a tiny flat.”
The implication of missing privacy is clear, Katsumi leaves it hanging.
“I’ve seen you in your underwear before. I'm sure I’ll manage.” Trembling eyes glance up her and a memory washes over her. What is this? “Ugh, fine.” She throws a dismissive hand towards her little sister. “Don’t leave me waiting for long.”
The door closes.
Trying to reign in the rising turmoil, Kaori pinches the bridge of her nose.
This is shaping up to be a greater challenge than anticipated. Just now, long-forgotten memories welled up inside her. Memories of Katsumi standing by the pool, eight years old. Holding himself with his arms across his chest, hurt by something. That timid, pained expression that Katsumi had that day was the same as the one she had seen a second ago. A thing so fragile.
Back when they were children, she had often talked to their mother about how oddly feminine Katsumi was, and mother had assured her that was just how some boys were. Some boys are feminine. Kenzou wasn't that different after all. It made sense at the time.
And yet Kenzou never behaved like Katsumi had around her, not even speaking of that one-sided rivalry Katsumi instigated with her in high school. It was always her and Katsumi while the boys did their thing. Alien creatures to the both of them. Even if most of Kaori and Katsumi’s interactions with one another were trading insults the last few years.
The pooling unease in Kaori’s stomach doesn’t go away. It's all coming back with a vengeance, a cruel play her mind seems determined to engage in this very moment.
Like a nail sticking out…
There was the incident after Katsumi’s first day of junior high, when little Katsumi came running to Kaori crying because he had gotten bullied at school. He asked if he could borrow her old uniform, telling her how they had called him a girl repeatedly and if he just pretended to be one maybe they’d leave him alone. A ridiculous notion.
She had explained to Katsumi that this was an exceptionally bad idea and would only result in further bullying, that he needed to stand up for himself or make friends with boys who were stronger than him and willing to defend him.
In hindsight, she should have given Katsumi her old uniform and helped him with whatever girl stuff he was into. Perhaps then they could’ve skipped the acting out and disownment. Skipped all the hurt and tears—the pain of the last few years—and that day in the hospital.
Katsumi was a girl and Kaori had missed it.
It’s her fault.
She should’ve at a minimum interrogated where that idea of his came from. Why he thought pretending to be a girl would allow him to escape his bullying. Or asked herself why he even needed to be talked out of it at all. Boys don't usually need to be talked out of wearing girl clothes, and his idea was definitely not the most intuitive conclusion to arrive at.
Kaori groans inwardly.
Fuck.
It takes longer than one would consider appropriate, and yet far shorter than anticipated before Katsumi opens the door again. Kaori fails to stop the sharp breath she draws in, much to her embarrassment.
She is joking, right?
Kaori expected the young woman she saw months ago at the Hunters Guild to emerge from that pitiful flat, but instead she gets a comical display of hide-and-seek nonsense. Katsumi has her bangs pulled back with a hairband, giving her the air of an androgynous delinquent, while her whole upper body is swallowed by an oversized black hoodie that is long enough to almost hide the short shorts she wears underneath. Leaving her smooth long legs to terminate at what appears to be running shoes.
With that get-up and her hands shoved into the front pocket of her hoodie, Katsumi looks about as comfortable as a drenched kitten.
What is this?
Kaori’s words fly like a cold dart, “That’s what you’re wearing?”
“Sorry, haven’t gotten my stuff from the dry cleaner yet,” Katsumi spits back with considerable sarcasm.
There's the old Katsumi. Barely visible, the edges of Kaori’s lips lift. So he’s not fully gone. Kaori lets her sister lead the way down the stairs.
She even moves differently now, how curious.
That sway combined with those legs? It's going to turn some heads. This amateurish play of pretending to be a boy is worrisome though.
Running down a mental decision tree, taking into account the dossier on trans people Lin Qingxue provided, Kaori starts pondering her further actions. A repeat of her failure will be avoided.
They make it to the car without another word, Katsumi takes in the sight and the exquisite interior with interest as she enters. She doesn’t voice it—she doesn't have to—Kaori can read her sister like an open book. Its clear that Katsumi finds it to her liking.
With a smirk shot Katsumi's way, Kaori hits the accelerator, pressing her sister back into her seat while she's still fumbling for her seatbelt. It earns her an eyes roll, but also a genuine smile.
They drive in silence for a while, letting the city pass them by.
It takes her a while to connect the unknown scent in her nose, a sweet flowery note, with Katsumi. She wasn’t sure before, but Katsumi does smell exceptionally good, if a bit… let’s call it: teenage girl going for cute and innocent.
It's really something. This new Katsumi is slowly revealing herself to be a wish come true. Pretty, self-reliant, and responsible—if a bit timid, which is perfect in Kaori’s opinion. It wouldn't do well to have a challenger to her status as heir-apparent. Did someone in her family leave a particular convincing prayer? How else is this meant to be explained?
Kaori’s sharp gaze rests on her little sister as the car sits at a red light.
Katsumi looks sad. Definitely not the happy carefree girl she glimpsed at the Guild office. The way she sits, her eyes, her whole body language reveal as much. If that Iwamoto woman and her ugly tongue are at fault, Kaori might have to let Lin Qingxue off her leash.
“How are you, Katsumi?”
“Huh?”
She sounds surprised and flustered. The soft and melodic tone of a young woman tinged with some husky undertones.
“I asked, how are you doing?”
“I’m… fine. I’m fine.”
“You would tell me if something was wrong…” Kaori presses the next word in cold fire, “…right?”
“Yes.”
Katsumi's intonation makes her reply far from believable, but Kaori lets it rest. She knows how stubborn her little sister can be. Prying wouldn’t yield anything useful.
It takes another fifteen minutes for them to arrive at their destination.
As Katsumi unbuckles her seatbelt, Kaori reaches over and snatches the hairband from her.
“Hey!”
“You look like an idiot with this.”
Katsumi send her a glare but doesn’t say anything.
Pulling down the mirror on the passenger side, Kaori adds, “Fix your bangs.”
Katsumi opens her mouth to say something but stops and obeys. After she is finished Kaori can’t help herself but to tug Katsumi’s hair behind her ear on one side.
“See, you look a lot prettier like this.”
The cheeks of her younger sister turn crimson, her eyes round like a deer’s in a car's headlights.
With a small voice she complains, “But people will think that I’m…”
“That what?”
Katsumi looks away her expression somewhere between hurt and afraid.
“Nothing.”
Before Kaori can reply, Katsumi opens the door and steps outside.
Side by side, the two Kojou sisters walk to the restaurant Kaori has chosen for the occasion. Small, not high class, but discreet and well staffed. What a sight they must be. One could picture it, the successful business daughter treating her baby sister to a late night meal after pulling her from a university cramming session.
Reality isn’t as simple.
As they enter and get shown their table, Katsumi shoots Kaori a look after the staff clearly called them sisters. A look that asks for forgiveness.
The moment they’re alone Kaori asks, “What?”
“It’s nothing.”
“It’s clearly something.”
“He thought… I… forget it.”
“Does it bother you? Should I call him back?”
“What? No… that’s not—forget it. Can we please just eat something?”
Since Katsumi opened her door, an odd feeling has gnawed at Kaori's insides. It's as if someone has taken a dry eraser to the past few years of her life. That young boy who was too much like a girl because she was a girl has been aged up. Like Katsumi's high school and college years were a strange unreal nightmare and now she is finally awake.
Kaori almost forgot this Katsumi, the little Katsumi. With her soft, timid mannerisms, who would come to Kaori’s room to borrow the next book or manga from her and complain to her how pig-headed and annoying Kenzou was. Little Katsumi talking about her brother as if she were the older one.
This whole late outing has been a Déjà vu. Only this Katsumi isn’t a little girl but an adult woman. An adult woman who, if she'd dressed properly, could wrap any man around her finger with devastating ease.
The realization sits heavy in her stomach.
Katsumi looks up from the menu on her phone with the cutest, most innocent expression. “Do I have something on my face?”
The full broadside of having a baby sister hits her at once. She has to steady herself with a hand on the table.
This is real.
“Katsumi," Kaori begins, a little breathless, "do you have something to tell me?”
■ ■ ■
「Katsumi」
“Katsumi, do you have something to tell me?”
OH FUCK!!!
She is on to me, isn’t she!?
It’s all that stupid girl-training!
Am I sitting correctly?
Do men sit like this?
How do men sit?
Probably should put my legs further apart. Ankles apart too?
What am I doing with my arms and hands?
Should I hold them like this? Probably not—no definitely too feminine.
How does one hold one’s hands like, in masculine manner?
Fuck wait, I totally did the 'tucking your hair behind your ear' thingy!!!
I mean Kaori started it. But that’s bad, that’s such a girl thing and might as well I might as well put on a bra and make-up.
Ugh.
Wait, men slouch.
YES, I should slouch.
Oh, oh no, fuck. Forget slouching! Where was my pitch the entire time!?
FORGET PITCH!
How was I referring to myself?
I wasn’t in work-mode. I wasn’t paying attention!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
So I was definitely talking all cutesy and feminine. SHIT!!!
I’m the biggest moron on this planet!
Thinking myself all clever and stuff for putting on the hoodie I stole from Aoshi, so she wouldn’t notice my slightly raised chest.
That was supremely useless.
If your little brother suddenly talks and sounds all feminine and sit like a girl and whatever other girl-training mannerisms have been bleeding through, anyone would start asking questions!
I’m such an idiot.
I should’ve slammed the door shut and channeled pretty boy from the onset, be some cringy sadistic asshole who shouts at his big sis.
“Katsumi?”
"Yes?”
WUAH!!!
Wait too girly, like super girly.
Talk like Yukio would!
I slouch and press my pitch as low as I can, “Yeah, like, there's nothing up man. Got a job and a flat and everything. It’s working. So no need to be concerned, sis.”
Hm, yeah that’s how men talk.
「 Full points for Katsumi! 」
Kaori’s brows go up to then fall into deep furrows.
Damn she can be scary.
Not that I care, I’m a guy and guys don't care.
And she hates me anyway because of pretty boy’s antics, so whatever.
“Chill, big sis, think your little brother can’t manage living on his own? You know, I never needed dad’s money. I’m my own man now. Isn’t that what you guys wanted? No need to baby me. I’m not going to embarrass the family anymore. I learned my lesson.”
Kinda, I won't embarrass the family until I get that restricted hunter’s gear and pretend to have fallen victim to that weird sex-change demon.
And then I’ll promise them to keep out of the limelight and probably move away and change my family name or something and live out a quiet, happy life as pretty girl in the countryside.
And they can all forget about their embarrassing son who was nothing but trouble.
Better for everyone.
“Katsumi, do you think I’m stupid?”
Her voice is like a winter breeze.
Before I can formulate an adequate pretty boy response, my phone chimes.
I sit up straight and stare at the name on the display.
This can’t be true!
“Who is writing you?”
The name tumbles out of my mouth in disbelief, “Tarō…”
“That Yamada kid? You’re friends with him again?”
“What? No. We… I just… I apologized to him, okay? I’m not like, doing that weird shit anymore.”
I scroll through his messages.
Who contacts their former bully out of the blue?
What’s wrong with you Tarō?
He wants to treat me to a dinner as compensation for helping him with those ink tigers? That was weeks ago! Also he already gave me their hearts, that was more than enough compensation. I'm not joining some stupid protagonist's harem.
I close the app.
“You’re not going to answer him?”
"No〜?”
Kaori snorts a chuckle, “Good to know you can't keep up that performance for more than a few sentences.”
“Hu? What are you talking about?”
She answers with a smirk, “To quote you little brother: nothing.”