32. Testing the Water
「Katsumi」
Okay this is majorly annoying.
All three of the good looking pairs of pants I inherited from pretty boy won’t fit me anymore. I seem to have uh… expanded in the past months. Like, not a lot, I’m still as thin as it gets, I can see my ribs and stuff. It’s just my thighs and I guess my ass that have gotten a tiny bit pudgy, but that’s enough for those slim cut things.
Why was that your preference pretty boy? Couldn’t you have left me with something more forgiving?
I look over to the drying rack full with the pants I wear to work, fresh from the washing machine.
Great. I’m out of pants and I’m supposed to meet Hikari and her friends in a few hours.
Not exactly how I imagined my day off starting. This is so not something I can use right now.
Whatever, I'll get new ones. I’ll need them anyway and I have some money at the moment.
Can’t leave the house in underwear tho, which also has gotten kinda tight if we're being honest.
I stare at the drying rack again.
My gaze wanders to the closet.
I might be out of pants but not options…
For a fast impromptu shopping trip, not the Hikari thing!!!
I’m not that self destructive.
So skirt, blouse and bra it is.
Also a dash of makeup—I’ve gotten so freaking good at this, it’s amazing— and I leave my hair as it is, no pushing the bangs to the side and stuff. Oh, the handbag almost forgot! This is just for my small trip and then I’ll get out of this and dress normally.
Through the door out into the light.
Okay doing this while the sun is out is kinda hard.
But it’s just a quick thing, nothing big.
No-one will notice.
I’m fine.
I’m fine!
And I mean I’m only doing this ‘cause I have no pants at the moment and pretty boy was really into that skinny look for whatever reason and what else am I supposed to do?
I hasten my walk.
Being out during the day, dressed as a girl all on my own might be a mistake. It's terrifying.
There so much more people about and they're looking at me!
And they’re smiling!
Kind and polite, kind and polite, smile back! I can do this! I’m a fucking konbini worker, that’s like my whole jam.
Channel your future pretty girl Katsumi!
How would she behave?
With a lot more dignity, that’s for sure, and without her heart galloping like a race horse.
Just have to get through this.
Up the stairs.
Shuffling in behind a mass of people I exhale as the doors of the subway car close behind me. This feels like I’ve reached some kind of milestone. I’ve made it. Just a bit of standing around, nothing terrifying about that.
Yeah, my heart isn’t convinced.
The people are all so close to me—I don’t like that! I should be thankful that most of them are women. Wouldn't want a man near me right now.
I catch the wide eyes of a little girl staring at me with her mouth open. Oh no.
Please little girl be nice and don’t yell out loud that I’m a boy.
This is nerve racking as it is. Don’t need that on top of it.
She keeps staring, her little eye squarely focused on me.
Please don’t say anything.
I give her my best pleading smile.
“Your bracelet is so pretty and you’re tall.” Her adorable voice rings out.
Okay I misjudged you little girl, my bad.
You’re my hero, getting called tall is nice change of pace. I was like slowly developing a complex getting called little by people I have to look up to.
“Asa, leave the young miss alone,” The woman holding the girl’s hand chides her.
I give the woman an awkward smile hoping to communicate that it’s fine.
I bend down. “You like my bracelet?”
“Yes.” Her eagerness has her jumping and then turning shy as if she became suddenly aware of something. Not that she stops flicking her gaze between me and my cherry blossom Hunter’s Mark.
“You know I like it too. It’s so pretty and cute. My teacher gave to me. Said it would keep me safe. It was a gift because I impressed her with my skills, even if I think I wasn’t that good.”
I shoot a glance to the girl’s mother and receive a tiny smirk in return.
“Oh wow. You must be so good at school. I’m not.”
I rise.
“I am."
That’s a lie. I was the super average run-of-the-mill kinda guy and from all I gathered, pretty boy was outright terrible. Not that he was dumb, he was probably significantly smarter than I am. He was just a sadistic asshole who thought himself better than everyone around him, including the teachers, and that doesn’t exactly translate into academic success.
"And I think you can be too.”
“You don’t know me,” little Asa protests.
“You’re right.” I say before giggling.
“Now leave the kind young miss alone Asa. Come.”
Her mother reels her in and presses her close.
I shift my focus out the window and watch the city fly by.
────୨ৎ────
“Young miss, how may I help you?”
I freeze, looking up at the store clerk. She moves around and joins me in being like, super lost at the stack of pants. My startled expression was apparently some sort of unintentional invitation.
Not what I wanted!
“Young miss, do you know the size of your boyfriend?”
BOYFRIEND!!!???
Eh? Since when do I have a boyfriend? I’m looking for…
Oh yeah right, I’m dressed as a cute girl, not really giving, 'is into wearing men’s clothing,' currently.
“Uhm I-I… he uh… like his size is [#] but… I-he has gotten uh… bigger. So I think we should go one up.”
“Good. What kind of style does he wear?”
“Oh, he… he… I think we should go for something… d-different.”
I can’t stop fidgeting with my long skirt and it’s frankly a miracle that the store clerk can even understand a single word, on account of how low and mumbly my voice is. At least I don’t sound like a guy. That’s the important part.
She gives me a knowing grin that makes it past her customer service mask.
Oh yeah I just basically implied my imaginary boyfriend dresses like shit. I don’t get what pretty boy was doing, but I can’t say it was ugly, just unique.
“You have something in mind young miss?”
“Uh… no.”
I let my head sink. I have no clue when it comes to men’s clothing. It’s all so… boring. It isn’t pretty and it doesn’t make you feel cute and stuff, and it’s the worst. I really don’t get why Haruki wears it.
“No problem. I’ll show you what is currently in trend. I’m sure we can find something satisfying, young miss.”
She guides me to a bunch of different displays and shows me different cuts, styles and fabrics. I’m about as lost as I can be, they all look the same. Caring about men’s clothing is freaking impossible. For the most part I let her decide, as long as they’re wide enough to not cause problems I don’t care. I take two pairs.
“Anything else young miss?”
"I-I could use some underpants… for me. Like black i-is fine.”
“Of course.”
I follow her lead.
Almost done.
I’m looking forward to meeting Hikari and her friends. We are visiting the big Aquarium today, which I’m super excited about. They have real nautili and a bunch of other cool stuff like sharks. From the promotional material, the aquarium in this world looks to be so much better than the one we had back home from, which is an odd difference, but I’m not complaining.
I blink, and feel the heat rising in my cheeks.
Oh, no.
Walking past the rack of bra’s tells me I might've made a huge blunder.
With a gracious smile, the store clerks says something but I’m unable to concentrate. The spread of lacy woman’s underwear has me wishing for another truck.
What have I done?
She expects me to pick something! Because I said I needed underpants! BECAUSE SHE THINKS I'M A GIRL!
I swallow a breathy, “somethingsimple.”
I’m not supposed to be here. This is so embarrassing. They're gonna label me a pervert of the highest degree.
She holds up a very simple pack of black panties and explains something.
I just nod.
I can’t.
She asks me if I need anything else and I shake my head.
With me on the verge of a full on shut down, we thankfully make it back to the cash desk. The woman tells me she separated the bill for the panties and the trousers so he can bring them in if the size isn’t right. I get asked if they should be wrapped as a present and I’m too weak to decline the offer.
I wanna be home.
With my new pants and five panties I’ve no use for I leave the store.
That was supremely embarrassing.
Never doing that again.
────୨ৎ────
Look, so I’ve got this idea, because the Hikari situation is really messing with my head and I may have had some difficulties sleeping because of that. So I need to like, clarify some things. Like, for myself and it might be a complete fantasy. But if I don’t even try I can see future girl-me getting super mad at me and that’s the last thing I want.
I want her to be happy and proud of me. She kind of keeps me going. I'm doing this for her.
So it might be a long shot, but I’m gonna try. Test the water so to speak, maybe things aren’t as dire. You'll lose every battle you don't fight… or something like that.
The dome of the Aquarium rises like the shell of a giant sea turtle above the rest of the low lying harbor buildings to its side. The bright laughter and screams of children fills the air as they make their way home from their trip. Hikari was adamant that there's an undisclosed shift change where the children come mostly in the morning, and the adults occupy the afternoon.
I make my way up the stairs to the raised plaza in front of the entrance and look around. You can smell the salt so close to the ocean. Unkind gusts of wind play with my parted bangs, ignoring all the hair gel I put into them.
I keep scanning the area until I spot a raised hand waving at me.
Hikari.
Her hair is pulled back into low pigtails showing off the bright pink part of her hair and she is wearing distressed baggy jeans, giving glimpses of the fishnet stockings underneath. Her peach-colored butterfly top looks a bit cold for the season but the cropped black jacket counteracts that I suppose. She smiles.
She is… she's… she's… so freaking beautiful.
What am I even doing here?
With a full sprint, she throws herself at me into a hug.
I wince.
I’m as stiff as a board.
Ouch. My sensitive chest really didn’t like that.
She lets go and beams a blinding grin at me.
“Katsumi!”
I blink, struck dumb. "Hi.”
Her eyes trail down my body, taking me in.
“Nice pants, like the style.”
I shift on my feet.
"Yeah, needed new ones. The old… umm… doesn't matter.”
That rends a giggle from her for whatever reason, as I can’t help myself but hang on her lips. They're so close, so…
I feel really hot of all of sudden. What is happening?
Dark brown eyes with long lashes flutter across me, she looks so happy.
The tips of her fingers trail down my forearm, ready to interlink with mine, but abandon the contact at my palm.
With the sweet melody of her voice she says, “I’ll introduce you.”
For a second I feel like cresting a wave before I get pulled down.
A breath that gets stolen from me.
We move and go to her friends.
I'm uncertain of myself. I can't keep my hands and arms still. How should I hold them?
“That’s Naoya.”
Hikari gestures at a lanky guy, soft face, bleached blonde hair and a single simple earring.
“Hi," I say hesitantly, "I’m Katsumi.”
He smirks, “Nice to meet you.”
“And that’s Ruka.”
The girl in question has her long hair in a super strict ponytail and wears baggy, very functional, clothing that reminds me of Chie.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
Hikari continues, “We know each other from school, same class.”
“So you’ve been friends for a while?" I ask.
“Na,” Naoya shakes his head, “Hikari was busy being best friends with a senior the first few years. We only got to know her during graduation year. Where everyone was super occupied.”
“We were study buddies.” she elaborates.
“Oh, okay.”
We make our way inside.
Hikari sticks close to me, her signature scent playing with my nose.
There is a lively conversation to which I contribute the occasional awkward nod. I learn that Naoya is currently studying architecture at the university and Ruka is a crazy health guru who is all about sport. She runs and bikes and plays tennis on the side. After being told by Hikari that I’m a demon-hunter I receive a lengthy lecture from Ruka about diet and workout routines and recuperation time and a hundred other things I begin to ignore while smiling politely.
We begin our round and slowly but surely get distracted by the sights.
There is a lot to take in, in this world removed from the outside. A foreign land cast in twilight with wonderful views.
It's like super tranquil.
After a while, Ruka and Naoya split off deciding they’ll get something to drink.
It’s only me and Hikari in front of the giant shark tank.
Under the low blue light, she gives me a soft shoulder tackle.
“Thank you for coming Katsumi.”
Cascading shadows sharpen the edges of her fine features, I find myself transfixed.
“This is great, so… thank you.”
“Are you always this shy with new people?”
"Yes, kinda…”
I never know how to behave.
Hm… not entirely true. I seem to know what to do when I’m pretending to be a girl, but then I get like, flustered and super nervous, so I guess it’s a mess either way.
“Not with me tho.” Hikari gives a proud expression while the edges of her lips dance with amusement.
She links her arm with mine. “You know, I so love coming here. Always reminds me of my uncle Takafumi. He's a fisher and when we were young we went on his boat. I loved that. Like when you’re out there stuff feels so small and inconsequential. Far away, same as the shore, you know. There's lots to do, but there isn’t that pressure. I always liked that. But father never got along with his brother, says he's a good for nothing slacker with no ambition. They were constantly arguing. Haven’t seen uncle Takafumi in years. It blows majorly.”
Her hand takes hold of my upper arm.
“I thought I could shield little sis from father, but that’s so not working. Sorta backfired. Now she says the same stuff about me as he does. He got so mad when I graduated in fifth place. Told me that I should’ve been at the top. Maybe that’s why I like the konbini. It’s totes the ultimate no-pressure zone. Same as here. Isn't it amazing?”
I look at her, she's fighting to maintain her upbeat persona. She's trusting me with this.
“Now leg it Katsumi, we haven’t even been to your nautilus guys yet!”
I would’ve loved to hold her here, catch her, say something to what she shared. But who am I? Some weirdo who hasn’t even processed yet that he died and ended up as someone else. Second chances are so strange.
Through dimly lit hallways Hikari drags me forward.
We pass numerous small groups, but when we reach the tank with the nautili we're alone.
I watch in awe. They're so pretty and cute. They have them with a bunch of other fish and a small stone tower in the middle. One of them bumps into another and it looks like two adorable little underwater balloons.
Enamored, we just stand there and say nothing for a while, enjoying each other's silent company.
“For the record. I’m not always so shy,” I mumble, inching a bit closer to Hikari.
“Not with your demon-hunter friends, I’m guessing.”
“Yes… they have… their-” now or never, “-own way, you know. They're very close with one another. They’re like friends but… more. I… I think that makes me feel safe.”
I hold my breath in anticipation.
Please be okay with it!
“I find it like so sweet when girls are like that with one another.”
“You do?”
“Yes, what’s not to like about it? It rules. It’s freaking awesome. More girls should be like that!”
“Whaa…”
Is she for real??? But, but like the male idol stuff and the talk about her former boyfriend—is she making fun of me?
Her gaze is fixed on the tank in front. With longing she says, “I think it’s sweet.”
I feel her hand taking mine. Our fingers intertwine.
A smile breaks on her beautiful face, still watching the little nautili. I'm starstruck.
“You have really soft hands Katsumi.”
“Uh thanks…” my eyes drop to the ground. “I’ve… I’ve like… with my rank-up. I’ve been thinking, because it’s like, dangerous, and I mean anythingcanhappen. There are super weird demons out there! And stuff happens, you know, like weird stuff. I mean I could get turned into a girl! It happens! There is a demon who does that. I read it!”
There's a single amused chuckle.
“I like you, Katsumi. Even if some demon would turn you into a girl." She pauses, and her voice that already has been so kind gets a solemn note, "I don’t mind, as long as it’s you.”
I feel my cheeks burning.
“Good, okay… yeah, I was just thinking—that's good to know.”
“Also you’d so make an awesome girl.”
『 CRITICAL OVERFLOW ERROR! 』
Σ(O_O;)
“Eh?”
Hikari gives a loud giggle.
“You def' make the cutest faces, Katsumi. What? I mean it.”
“Hey, don’t say stuff like that's… it’s… it’s weird.”
“Kay, no more talk about a possible girl Katsumi, got it.”
“Yes, thank you. You know you can be super odd sometimes.”
“Says you.”
I frown.
Hikari moves in front of me taking my other hand. “You’re totes the oddest person I’ve met so far Katsumi and like, that’s saying something. But that's good. Be yourself, be fascinating. Live.”
The warmth of her hands spreads through me and I think I might pass out. Having this beautiful girl say stuff like that makes me super lightheaded. My legs are complete mush and my heart is doing the racehorse thing again.
I chew my own lip.
Nagata Hikari I promise you once I turned myself into I girl I will ask you out. Yes. And then we can be two cute girls together.
I hope you can forgive me in the mean time.
She pulls me away saying something about how she so needs a snack.