30. Red Lantern Ritual
It feels like the end of era.
I talked with Mrs. Fujita over the phone and told her about my rank-up. It was a very sweet conversation and I was bringing my voice training A-game. I’m really getting good at this.
Upon hearing the good news she was adamant that I couldn’t possibly still be taking care of those pesky memory demons, I had bigger more important demons to focus on now. She wouldn’t allow any objections. Told me to think about my career.
I also got an invitation for a new year’s dinner, next year and there was of course talk about a lovely young gentleman she’d like me to meet.
I have had the heart yet to tell her that I’m actually a guy and even if I’ll be a girl eventually, girl-me will have about as much interest in men as I do.
Or I hope she will… Still not sure how much having a female-mind is going to influence that.
WAIT! Is the girl-puberty going to influence me and uh… change my leaning? I mean… that’s when girls usually develop their feelings for boys. Please don’t let that happen to me! I hate boys!
That would be horrible, like, the worst. Men are so gross. That’s the last thing I want!
No. Come to think of it, it didn’t happen to my friends. None of them are into men. So it doesn’t appear to be a hard rule, which means I’m safe.
Yes, I’m safe.
Falling for a guy would be my personal nightmare. I know that was pretty boy’s thing, but I can’t say I see what he— or any of the girls in Tarō’s orbit for that matter—saw in Tarō. He's handsome I guess? And he’s kind and considerate in a way which is like, not really common for guys.
…
That’s it isn’t it? The bar is on the floor and Mr. Protagonist clears it with ease by simply being not a total ass. Must be nice, to have it that easy.
Whatever.
My ostensibly free-meal days are over now that my time as the personal demon-hunter of a bunch of old folk has come to an end. Not that its too big of a tragedy, I don’t have to wreck my nerves constantly, worrying that they'll catch on that I’m a crossdresser, not a girl, and thanks to the last demon, I’m not hurting for money at the moment. I can buy my own food.
Haruki had a stern talking-to with me. Told me I need to eat properly as a demon-hunter or I’ll never develop decent muscles like she has. I did gain weight over the past months, that much is obvious. Still thin tho.
Haruki also promised me we’d go on some patrols in a week or so, which I’m looking forward to.
In the meantime I’ll focus on my training.
I found a spot to practice my naginata forms. I can’t do those at home, not enough room. But there's a barren lot not 15 minutes from me next to an old regional train track that's still in use. It has plenty of space and I shouldn’t inconvenience anybody there waving my weapon around.
That’s the plan for tonight after I get ready—need to get home first and take a shower.
I round the corner to my apartment block.
Usually the small side street is deserted at this hour, but I notice a single woman standing under the streetlamp. How odd.
She is wearing a drab salary-woman get up and holding a clothing bag.
She smiles at me with her eyes closed.
Oh…
There goes my plan.
The thought crosses my mind to leg it in the opposite direction at full speed, but that would be super childish and I’m a big boy. I can do this.
I saunter closer.
“Good evening teacher.”
“Good evening. And what a lovely evening it is, little miko.”
Her lips split for a wide grin, that gets swallowed by a playfully stern expression as she studies me as if I were some kind of exhibit at a museum.
“Yet I have to say, little miko, I am not fond of this disguise. As advantageous it might be in obscuring your true identity, my student shouldn’t hide her feminine beauty by pretending to be a boy.”
What the fuck is she on about!?
Feminine beauty???
Is she drunk for real or is this some kind of fox humor?
“Uh… teacher you do understand that I’m not actually a girl?”
“Fufufu〜 my student forgets I watched her fight my uncouth neighbor. What a display of elegance. Such a pure soul. It would have been an offense of the highest order to not bring the little miko into the fold after such a graceful display.”
“That was a performance! I was playing it up and stuff. Don’t like, read into that! You mischievous fox.”
“Oh my〜, I seemed to have angered my student.”
“Don’t say stuff like that. Yes, I like dressing like a girl. It’s nice, okay? And yes I wish I were a girl for real, but unless you can turn me into one—I am a…” guy.
At my inability the kitsune giggles.
( •̀⤙•́ )
She’s enjoying this.
I sneer, “Don’t look so smug just because you made it so that I can’t say it, doesn’t mean it’s suddenly not true.”
“Oh I never forbade my student from saying these things.” She beams lifting her chin all haughty, “The little miko is allowed to say whatever she pleases, under the conditions that she doesn’t hurt herself with said statement. Saying she was a boy made the little miko very sad, and we can’t have that, now can we?”
“What? That’s bullshit. You’re telling me I can’t say that I’m… you know—because it makes me sad? I’d be only able to say it if it didn’t make me sad? What kind of stupid hex is this?”
“One that keeps the little miko safe and happy.”
“This hex does not make me happy. Please lift it. Please?”
The fake salary-woman in front of me with her hair backlit by the street lamp, puts her finger on her lips in contemplation.
“Hmmmmm… no. I would be a terrible teacher if I would. The little miko needs to learn that she shouldn’t hurt herself. She needs to learn discipline.”
I’m not hurting myself! And what discipline is she referring to?
What kind of stupid fox-logic is this?
She gives a nod indicating that we should get going.
“Come, we shall further your education, my student.”
With a woman who looks a decade and a half my senior in tow, I walk up to my flat. If any of my neighbors are of the nosey variety, they’d surely have a field day this evening.
Past the door, Mrs. Fox-spirit cranes her neck, taking in the sights of my cramped one room apartment. It isn’t exactly a lavish chateau, not much to see, not that she seems to mind.
She shoos me towards the shower, “Come little miko, clean yourself.”
I follow her command. Like, I would’ve showered anyway. That’s like, part of my daily routine, but whatever. Now I get to enjoy it with a woman right outside my bathroom which totally doesn’t have me self conscious about my body.
Nope.
Not. At. All.
In a moment of clarity I thankfully grabbed a fresh pair of underpants before entering the shower so at least I’m not full on naked as I step back into the room.
Still, watching her eyes wander across my frame has me begging for a power outage. I hate this.
With her legs crossed, sitting on my one chair, the kitsune giggles, “My student is as flat as a school girl, fufufu〜.”
"You’re seriously making fun of me… for that?” I growl.
They are growing, okay!? My nipples are all big and raised.
Also why am I even self conscious about stuff like that. I’m still a guy. What the fuck!? That’s stupid. It’s all her fault! Teacher, stop messing with my head!
Hoping that my cheeks aren’t burning as much as I suspect they are, I glance a the clothes she pulled from her bag.
They're for me, aren’t they?
“Teacher what are we doing?”
“Oh, the little miko shall accompany me after a busy work day. I’ve been so terribly busy at work. So busy. Your teacher is in desperate need of a filling meal, sake and some lovely company.”
I stare at the white, women’s blouse, the blazer, and the pencil skirt she brought.
(≖_≖ )
Seriously?
I get to be the fake secretary or PA or whatever to her fake business woman?
I shake my head and start blow drying my hair.
What kind of education am I receiving here?
With mounting annoyance at this whole situation, I start putting on the clothes she provided. Do I even want to know how she knows my size?
I smooth out the wrinkles and take in whatever is waiting for me in the mirror.
A heavy knot in my stomach.
From all my crossdressing, I’ve gotten somewhat used to seeing a girl stare back at me when looking in the mirror and yet this is… weird. It’s the banality of it. A fresh secretary, a young woman at the start of her career, someone one would pass on the street, perfectly ordinary. Forgettable. Normal. The young woman I could’ve been in my old life if I’d been born a girl…
“No need to be upset, little miko.” The kitsune’s words are full of warmth, almost maternal. She is holding a handkerchief in my direction.
I’m crying. Why the fuck am I crying? That’s stupid!
I dry my face and the fox lady moves behind me. Her eyes are bright stones of amber, dancing between mischief and tender affection. Even without her high heels she rises above me.
She places a single leaf on the crown of my head and I watch it vanish. In the same breath my hair suddenly falls as a silky waterfall across my shoulders, having grown in length in an instant.
Ignoring my shock, Mrs. Fox-spirit takes my now-long hair and forms a single high bun in the back. Close to my ear she whispers, “A small illusion.”
“It doesn’t feel like an illusion.”
“And yet it is. If I blow off the leaf it is gone. One day I shall teach you. Now how about doing your make-up, little miko? You seem fond of doing that.”
“Uhm… yeah… I… yes.”
I don’t mind her watching. I do find applying make-up super calming. It has become my little thing, my little canvas to paint, so I get look at the pretty girl.
After I’m done, Mrs. Fox-spirit pulls me towards the exit, evidently eager to leave.
I begin studying the three pairs of woman’s shoes I have, unsure which would work with my current get-up as the kitsune places a pair of pumps in front of me.
I look up at her, “Uh… that’s like… shoes my big sis would wear. I-I-I can’t walk in those.”
“Then you shall learn.”
I’m so going to break my fucking ankles. I already see it. Crossdresser injures himself in the most embarrassing way possible.
I glance at my teacher for a second time.
“Can’t we like, postpone that until I’m… a girl for real?”
“But they will draw out my student's beauty,” she pouts, “They are part of the outfit.”
“I’m gonna hurt myself.”
“There is no need to worry little miko. I shall teach you. You are in good hands.”
Ugh.
Whatever.
────୨ৎ────
Through the thick haze of a heavy air filled with the signature cacophony only hordes of drunken salarymen can produce and the moisture of a busy kitchen, the kitsune drags me forward into the deepest depths of this, 'red lantern'. Past leering gazes who brush over me like strings of loose ocean kelp, granting a feeling of similar disgust.
My steps are anything but graceful, she's holding me, while my feet scream.
We take a small table pressed against the wall with only two seats opposite one another.
I can’t remember ever being this nervous crossdressing.
Maybe it’s all the attention we drew when we entered. I feel seen.
It’s hot in here. I lose the blazer while my heart hammers away. Every breath makes me aware of the tight strings of my bra, of the warm silicone inserts. I feel trapped.
I’m a guy following the whims of a kitsune. What if any of the men see past my disguise? I feel pure terror running down my spine.
What am I doing?
Pretending to be a girl, here, like this, with her?
I should’ve refused, told her to keep her stupid clothes and shoes. Should’ve told her to get lost. What even is this!?
Plates with grilled chicken skewers, fried chicken, and a bottle of sake gets placed on our table while I try my best not to fully retreat inwards.
I force myself to fill her cup.
She smiles and with no care in the world, starts digging in.
“I shall tell you little miko, human food is the best. It is fantastic and so rich in flavor. You should try some for yourself.”
“You know I can eat human food every day.”
“But can you eat human food everyday with your teacher?”
“I guess not.”
She returns the gesture and I take a sip.
“You know teacher, I thought you’d educate me in combat or like, how to conduct a proper ritual.”
“Who is to say this isn’t a ritual? Are you not showing deference to a spirit? Did you not just fill my cup with sake? And I’d say you're making this spirit very happy, little miko. So good job. You are a very good miko.”
“That’s… not… whatever.”
I empty my cup. If anything I need the liquid courage.
Breaking eye contact I mumble, “Why me? Was it really the fight with Mr. Monkey?”
“Yes. The little miko was very captivating. Besides, you are a wanderer, are you not? A little girl lost in the woods, easily led astray.”
Led astray…
“Wait, are you implying someone wants to use me? So there is like, a system or a Kami, someone responsible? I’m here for a reason?”
She frowns and empties her own cup.
“You humans always do this.” Her words are full of disappointment.
“Do what?”
“The thing where you want there to be a reason. Always searching.”
“So there isn’t one?”
“No, there most certainly is.”
“What is it? Tell me!”
“Oh that is easy, whatever the little miko decides.”
Eyes closed, she beams this very maternal smile.
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“But it does. The reason the little miko is here is the reason she gives herself for being here. It is perfectly logical. After all, she decided to come here.”
“No I didn’t. I died and then I woke up as pretty boy. I didn’t decide anything! I had no control. If I had, I would’ve chosen to get reincarnated as a girl, like from the start you know? Growing up as a girl and then blossoming into a confident woman and stuff and not like, remembering growing up as a miserable boy in another world who was always incapable of connecting with people. It’s totally unfair, I don’t want these memories! I want to be a pretty girl with happy, pretty girl memories.”
She tilts her head, her gleeful demeanor gone from her face.
I look down at my hands curled into fists pressed against this very restrictive skirt. “I remember the people from my old life. I remember them. Mom and dad, and my friends Sakura and Kei. They all were nothing but kind to me and they all tried, but I’m was too broken. I tried and I tried and it didn’t work. And that wasn’t fair to them. I made them all sad. I was such a disappointment. They deserved better. I don’t want to remember that! It hurts! It hurts, like a lot! Why would I choose that!?”
I keep my gaze where it is. Little dark spots appear on the gray fabric.
“Teacher, I miss them. I really miss them. I try really hard not to think about them, but I miss them. And that’s so stupid and selfish. Why would I miss being sad all the time? Why would I miss being lonely? I was a disappointment and I hurt them. And then I hurt them one last time by dying. That was stupid too.”
More dark stains as I gasp a few times, pushing down what is rising.
“I don’t remember their faces. I don’t know why. I can’t. I tried, but I don’t and I don’t remember my old name. Why can’t I remember my name?! WHY?!”
I feel her hand on my cheek warm and comforting, brushing away my flowing tears.
She slowly lifts my gaze.
“I think, this name that is now lost to the little miko, wasn’t her name at all. She needed to be named properly. I shall tell you I have see many human spirits, and I think the little miko wasn’t done. That’s why she is here. I can see you are a very fine student. I have chosen very wisely. A pure heart in deed, as a maiden should have.”
I sniffle, “Yeah… okay. But you do get that I’m not really a girl? Because I can’t shake the feeling you don’t.”
She snickers, "Oh yes of course〜 my student is so〜 convincing as boy, how could I ever forget.”
Still giggling, she raises her eyebrows for a sheepish smirk, leaving something unsaid.
Her eyes carry the warmth of sunshine trapped in amber.
“The little miko might wander, but she should know she is no longer all by her lonesome.”
“Yes… you’re right, I have my friends. I don’t feel so…” I wipe my face and catch the dark streaks. “I look like a mess don’t I?”
“One might mistake my student for a tanuki.”
I croak a laugh. “Can’t have that.”
“No we cannot. They are nasty fellows, terrible all around.” She muses with a smile.
She pulls me to my feet and we make for the bathrooms.
I’m about to enter as she yanks me back, “Now, now, little miko, you wouldn’t want to run into one of those nasty men the way you look.”
I shiver at the thought.
Her expression is stern.
“But…”
There is no refusing her, she drags me past the wrong curtain.
What if I get caught?
“Don’t look so frightened. I am with you. I shall keep you safe, little miko.”
She hands me her handbag and make-up and I fix my face best I can, working as fast as I can.
I so do not want to get caught. That’d be supremely bad.
We return to our table.
And exhaustion overtakes me. I feel so strangely drained.
My teacher, ever the sunshine, gets us another round of chicken, and a lot more sake.
I probably shouldn’t drink so much.
Whatever…
────୨ৎ────
Hihihi. She paid with leaves.
Uh, woah, no walking in these shoes.
Teacher is holding me. So nice.
I’m snuggling into her. Soft and warm.
We are taking a taxi. We get in.
“Teach’ how fluffy is your tail? I wanna know〜.”
She leans down. Oh she smells nice, like a forest. Pines and bark. She whisper in my ear. It tickles. I giggle.
“Oh it is very fluffy little miko. So fluffy. I might let the little miko cuddle it if she wants. But we should better keep it hidden for now.” She winks.
Yes can’t have others know! I giggle some more.
I feel her stroking my hair. Oh it’s long.
Ah yes her spell.
I like having long hair.
I wanna cuddle.
My eyelids are super heavy.
Hihihi. Teacher played silly games with the salarymen, made them think I was her lover. Insinuated they had tiny little fellows. Stupid salarymen didn’t get that. It all went over their heads—whoosh. Teacher is so funny.
And soft.
And warm.
And nice.
『 /// 』
Eh?
Teacher is pulling me out of the car.
She has my shoes. Better. Don’t wanna be walking in those.
I blink heavily. Should’ve paced myself more.
But the fresh air is helping. The little nap also wasn’t bad.
She walks me to my flat. How nice.
In through the door. Oopsy, almost fell.
Oh, kinda ruined my tights, walking barefoot in them. Hmpf. What a pain.
Uh, second shower. Yes important. What’s with the single leaf? Oh my hair is short again.
The shower is a treat.
I’m totally more tired after, but my thoughts don’t feel so much like honey anymore.
Slightly clearer. Yes. I’m probably lying to myself.
Almost run into my teacher. She's still here? Her tail is out and she has that sheepish smirk.
“The little miko should wear her towel a bit higher to preserve her modesty.”
“Shush you〜 I’ll… I’ll… I’ll get around to it, when… I don’t have to do all the girl-training right away. It’s better to pace oneself.” Okay forming sentences is hard. Especially when stuff gets complicated.
I’ll rummage through my things for some fresh underwear and an oversized t-shirt to sleep in. I winced, my chest is so freaking tender. So annoying!
Properly dressed, I notice the neatly folded clothes on the floor. The ones, I wore early, the pencil skirt, blouse and blazer.
“You’re not going to take them with you?”
“No, there are a gift for my student.”
I blow raspberries. “Are you sending me job hunting?”
“Oh I think the little miko already has her calling.”
“I have. I have. You know what I could actually use? Like a summer uniform.”
Hihihi, summer uniform. Should’ve worn a girls uniform at school. Because fuck, I wanted to and it’s fun. Stupid me was so scared. That was stupid. Should’ve just done it.
My teacher tilts her head and gives a totally adorable confused puppy look. Awww, how cute.
I elaborate, “For demon-hunting. Like a totally cute outfit for summer to fight demons in. I’m like… I’m … whatever. Current one is going to be way too hot.”
I let myself fall onto my futon.
She smiles.
“Come here.”
Just as I was making myself comfortable sitting on the floor. Not fair!
I stand up again and take the two steps over to the fox-spirit occupying my one chair.
She beckons me even closer.
So near to her that I can feel her breath, she unfurls her closed hand while blowing over it right into my face.
A strange feeling has me taking a few steps back. They are uncoordinated and not only because of my state. I’m wearing shoes again.
She put me in completely different outfit!!!
Legs crossed, the kitsune shines her brightest grin yet.
“How captivatingly beautiful my student can be.”
I stumble a bit backwards, unsure of my gait in these shoes, and take a look in my large mirror.
『 ! ! ! 』
『 . . . processing . . . 』
This can’t be true!
In what did she put me in!?
This is…
I grasp both sides of the mirror. I need to steady myself.
I snap, “What is this!?”
“What the little miko’s heart desires. Okay, I might have taken a few liberties here and there, but can you fault me?”
I turn back to stare at my reflection.
The outfit isn’t girly, it’s feminine, like super feminine. And it looks as if one would make cosplay high fashion, actual high fashion.
It starts off normal enough with a very traditional miko jacket but unlike my old outfit, this one is made out of thin, almost transparent silk. Below is a white yukata-like blouse made from a lightweight thin threaded fabric. My waist gets cinched by a shimmering, beautiful silk sash in pink with a cherry blossom pattern woven into it. Below that is a short, like, actually above-the-knee-way-up-my-thighs short dark gray pleaded skirt. And I’m wearing genuine black stockings, which leave a tiny gap of visible bare skin between them and my skirt. The shoes are of the shiny leather variety with a wedged heel.
Then there are the earrings. Gold, with pink gemstones, the exact same cherry blossoms design as my new Hunter’s Mark. Those are genuine!
She pierced my fucking ears!
“Are you fucking insane! I can’t wear this! This is… this is…”
“Beautiful?”
“Too feminine, too attention drawing! People will stare. They…" I look hot, the way girls look hot, "I’m not wearing this!”
I violently shake my head.
Has she completely lost her mind?
This is too much for my fragile little crossdressing nerves!
I catch her icy glare and freeze.
Oh, no.
She’s going to hex me again.
“I mean… I-I-I mean I not ready teacher. I’m not, but… but I’ll wear it once I am. Promise.”
My rambling seems to please her.
I relax.
I’m so tired.
I sink to the floor and slowly start undressing myself—again—putting my 'summer uniform' to the side and grabbing a new oversized t-shirt, as the last seems to have vanished into thin air.
I crawl under my blanket ignoring my guest. I don’t care anymore. I'm spent. I wanna sleep. She can let herself out. I'm done.
It takes a minute and a ball of copper fur joins me. I'd protest, but she is like super soft and fluffy and warm and cuddly—don’t imagine a regular fox being like that. I wrap my arms around and nestle myself deep into her. I never want to let go.
It doesn't take long before I'm gone.
I awake with a crushing headache and no fox in sight.
So she left?
There's a note.
I’ll get to that later.
My bladder is killing me.
It takes me till I’m in the bathroom to notice that last night the kitsune changed my underwear into fucking panties!!!
TEACHER!!!