24. Spiritual Warfare
「Katsumi」
I want to scream.
And throw everything I have after that damn fox and her stupid hex!
But! I shall remain the calm, picture-perfect representation of a pretty girl in a cute dress.
Okay… I might have shattered the illusion somewhat by groaning out loud with my head resting on the table in frustration.
I wanted to get this done and then go out with the girls to celebrate. I even made myself all pretty for it and everything. They promised me it’s only them and no interaction with others.
Yes, I technically I had to interact with the clerk at the Demon-Hunters Guild, but they already know of my crossdressing antics. Most of them greet me as miss until I scan my Hunter’s Gear after which it’s about fifty-fifty miss or sir.
But now, the whole crossdressing thing makes it infinitely harder to walk back over to the counter and explain my predicament to the clerk. I look like a girl and I sound actually quite feminine now. Yes, I could drop my voice, but to make the cute girl in the mirror sound like a dude feels like a crime against humanity and a betrayal of all my hard work, so I’m not doing that. Nuh-uh, not happening!
But that also makes the whole 'I’m not actually a girl and a kitsune hacked your database and changed my sex marker and name' like so much more embarrassing and harder. Just thinking about it makes me physically ill. I’m about to puke.
Nope.
Not doing that.
I could run home of course. Wipe off all the make-up, dress normally, return and get it fixed somehow. But then we’d run into the next problem: that I’m currently unable to spell my name correctly and how would I explain that?
AND it would throw off the whole plan of my friends coming to pick me up from the Guild office. Can’t go out with them looking like a guy, they’d hate that. And I don’t want to disappoint them. They’re so unbelievably nice to me.
I stare at the paperwork.
I’m a coward.
Whatever.
My hand hovers over the male/female category.
Guess I have to fill in what my demon-hunter license currently states.
This feels wrong. I hate being a guy, but this is just straight up lying.
Can’t be helped.
I’m not turning around, consequences be damned.
I fill out the rest of the paperwork and take in my handiwork. Looks… I don't want to say 'correct', so let's go with adequate.
Wait.
Why does my hand writing look so… cutesy? I didn't write like this before. I mean… it’s more legible, I guess, but what the fuck? What kind of hex is this? Is this some kind of underhanded critique of my penmanship? It wasn’t that bad!
Teacher, if I get my fingers on you again!
Grumbling under my breath I finally drag my ass back to the counter and hand in the papers.
“Thank you miss.”
A nervous smile on my face.
────୨ৎ────
"Umm… Are you supposed to be drinking with a head wound?" I ask Mayumi nervously.
We're relaxing after the initial bout of must-sing songs, crowded around the table of our room at the karaoke place—Haruki's choice. Our drinks are almost empty.
Leaning into my current presentation, I went for a pink and very fruity cocktail, something that works really well with the whole pretty-girl-in-a-cute-dress thing I have going on.
And wouldn’t you know, that stuff tastes freaking fantastic! Excessively sweet. I want more, but it also has enough alcohol to knock me out cold if I’m not careful. Sooo I’m gonna pace myself.
Sadly, the actual karaoke went abysmal so far. I was unable to choose a single song, because, well… I didn’t know any of them! This world being so similar to my old lulled me into a false sense of security AGAIN. Despite everything, the pop-culture is completely different. Different films, different artists, different songs, etc.
So annoying.
After displaying enough hesitation, Chie commented that I was probably dysphoric and they shouldn’t push me. And then she gave me a shy nod indicating that she had my back. I'm glad she does.
No idea what being dysphoric means tho…
Either way, it was a handy excuse and I’m not going to look a gift horse into the mouth. Especially when it gets delivered by such a cute girl.
Mayumi gives me a lopsided grin. "Eh, it was just a scrape. Besides, I'm literally surrounded by my friends. It'll be fine." She leans in, that grin widening. "You wanna see it? Got two staples. Its narly."
Without waiting for an answer, she parts her hair anyway, revealing a jagged cut on her scalp. Its not as bad as the bleeding made it out out be, but still looks like it hurt.
"Oh, I could have healed that for you," Hotaru frowns.
"Probably. But you Sunshine, were out cold after saving our asses. So I couldn't exactly tell the docs to hold off on closing the fucking bloody wound because my witch friend will be able to get me after one to three business days."
Hotaru's expression sours then. She rarely looks so upset.
"I failed you all that day," she mutters.
"What are you talking about?" Mayumi exclaims.
"If I'd have used my magic better then I wouldn't have been taken out so quickly. Instead I was just dead weight. I'm sorry."
Haruki leans towards Hotaru. "Hon, you saved us. There's nothing to apologize for."
"If I had placed my barrier better then I would have stayed standing."
Chie's eyes narrow. "What do you mean?"
"Instead of absorbing the full impact, I should have intercepted before it wound up to attack. The less energy I need to dissipate with my barriers the longer I’m able to keep them up. Should have done it more creatively too."
"Creatively?" Chie repeats, clearly intrigued.
Hotaru blinks, hiding her hands in her lap. "Never mind. I’ll do better next time, I promise. I won’t let you down again."
Mayumi is frowning now. "Stop being so hard on yourself. Without you we'd all be splatters on the floor."
"Yeah," Haruki says. "It's easy to go over what-ifs after a fight. Should'a-could'a-would'a's. But if you'd have been able to make those 'better' decisions, then you'd've made 'em in the moment. You did your best. You're alive. Your people are alive. That's victory."
Hotaru doesn't look too convinced, but she doesn't say anything else. Haruki turns to Chie, asking, "So what was up with you and Katsu-chan's ghost in the machine? You said something happened after you tried to revert her info?"
"Yeah! I opened the entry again for the fourth time, changed it, made sure it saved and… the command line forced itself open. Reading 'no being mean to my student!' and then; black. My work laptop just… Poof! From one blink to the next! And you know what the weirdest thing was? It had been replaced by a pile of leaves!! Leaves!!!"
I told the girls about my nightly encounter with the kitsune on route, and they took it reasonably well. Even if I could see their disbelief in the beginning.
It appears that casual fox-spirit encounters are about as common in this world as they were in the last one. To be fair, demons and magic being a thing probably helped me a great deal on the whole believability front. That and the whole fallout.
Looking at my Hunter’s ID on my phone, I see the prominent D next to that odd picture. Clearly me and yet not. A girl who could be my twin sister. A spelling that looks unfamiliar, yet doesn’t feel off. Then there's the sex marker…
Chie’s story of how my new teacher reacted to her trying to revert the changes has Haruki giggling, while Mayumi dryly asks, “Is spontaneous leafy-fication covered by your work insurance?”
Haruki bursts into laughter and Mayumi gestures that she wants to have a look at my phone. I hand it over, she smirks at the screen.
“Yes, much more appropriate. So this is the only spelling you’re able to write now?”
I give a dejected, “Yes… Also my hand writing is all cutesy.”
Mayumi snickers, “She hexed you to write cutesy?”
“Yes.”
“Your handwriting must have been abysmal Katsu-chan. Writing so bad it angered the spirits!”
The whole table laughs, except Chie, who looks mildly confused.
Hotaru, who was clearly lost in thought for while, bites her lip, and with her big eyes looks at me, “Can I ask you something Katsumi? Can you say, 'I’m a boy' for me out loud?”
“Hu?”
“Please?”
Odd request, but whatever.
“I’m a girl.”
Eh?
That’s not what I wanted to say!!!
What’s happening?!
“I’m a… I’m a… “
WHY CAN’T I SAY IT!?
Chie and Mayumi’s eyes go wide.
“As suspected,” Hotaru quietly states.
Haruki is the one to ask, “You can’t say it can you?”
I shake my head.
What’s happening to me?
“I’m a…" guy.
“I’m a…" man.
This can’t be real. Am I going insane?
I look at Hotaru with desperation. “I can’t use words like man, or guy either! What is this? That’s her doing isn’t it! Shit, did she do even more?”
Fear creeps up my spine.
Her smile is warm. “I doubt it. I don’t expect her to have done much else. A spelling and an a few expressions you can’t use. It’s not a big hex.”
Mayumi is giggling. “I need to leave a gift basket for that kistune of yours. She's my personal hero.”
I glare at her, before imploring Hotaru, “Can you undo it?”
She shakes her head. “I can ask my grandmother for you if you want, but the easiest way would be to ask the spirit for forgiveness and implore her to lift the hex.”
“Ask her for forgiveness?!”
From the side with amusement, Mayumi interjects, “Yes because you were a naughty girl who said she was a boy.”
“Yes, because I-"
“Yes? What, Katsu-chan, you’re what? Say it.“
I give her the best annoyed death-stare I can muster.
“Perfect,” Mayumi purrs and leans closer. “You know, Katsu-chan, you’d make such a great villainess. Got the looks for it and all. Sneer some more for me. It's hot.”
I roll my eyes. Yeah I guess pretty boy had the looks for it and so do I thanks to that, but he was written for that role.
I gesture to Hotaru to let me out, and excuse myself for the moment.
■ ■ ■
「Haruki」
I watch Katsumi leave our room with a frown. My gaze slides over to the rest of my friends. Chie is grilling Hotaru about the spirits. She's never believed in such things and it seems the evidence to the contrary has her suddenly interested. Mayumi on the other hand, is quiet. Watching the exchange with a neutral expression. But I notice how her fingers fidget in her lap, where no one but me can see. She's nervous.
I tap Mayumi's hand. Three times. Our secret code.
"I'm gonna step out too," I say.
We leave, heading towards the bathroom. Only I spot a dark alcove on the way. Grabbing her hand, I pull her in. Out of sight of anyone else, we're close together, chest-to-chest. She looks up at me with wide dark eyes, surprised at this turn of events. Too bad this isn't a fun diversion.
"What's wrong?" I ask, blunt and to the point.
Normally I would skirt around this, go in soft and build up to the big question. Mayumi doesn't like to be pushed. But tonight, I feel like cutting out the bullshit. Maybe it's the alcohol, maybe its the trust we have.
Maybe I hate seeing her upset.
"What do you mean, babe?"
Her chin tilts up, and her hair falls down her shoulders. She's looking at me from eyes half-lidded, the hollow of her throat viable. The temptation to kiss her neck is near overpowering, but this isn't that kind of conversation. I fold my hands over her smaller ones, satisfied at how well they fit together.
"Its the kitsune, isn't it? You never believed in the spirits."
She scoffs, looking away, out into the hallway. I'm sad to see her expression become sad and angry. Her default. Guilt overtakes me, but I know deep down that her happiness was faked. I would rather have her honest sadness than her false joy.
"Guess what babe… Turns out there are spirits out there. And they don’t care that we're poisoning their lands, and killing each other. But they have all the time to play cutesy games with the world’s most repressed trans girl.”
Sardonic bile is nearly dripping from her words.
"Maybe demons are the spirits taking revenge on us?” I suggest.
She barks a laugh.
"How very convenient. The whispers of the 'Demon Lord', the revenge of mother nature herself. Heh, no. There isn't some grand plan. The demons aren't coordinating or marching on us to teach us a lesson. They’re little self-obsessed pricks governed by instinct. They fight more amongst themselves than they eat us.”
Her pretty dark eyes return to me, narrowed in anger.
"You know what Ikushima told me?" she says in a low voice. "That the one at the mall got so big out of nowhere because it ate its siblings. What better way for a misery eater to grow, than to munch on other demons filled to the brim with misery?” She pauses to play up the sarcasm. "So, tell me, what's more plausible? That our girl missed the red glow in the eyes a class-B mischief demon, or that there's genuine yokai and kami out there who just don’t give a fuck about us?”
"What about Hotaru? She thinks they're real."
"She's a religious nutcase groomed by an old witch."
"So demons are fine, but not spirits?"
"We put down demons every other week. Everyone has seen a demon, but a spirit? No. Surprise surprise, nobody deals with spirits. Which, considering how fucking numerous the demon population is, wouldn't you—I don't know—think about why that is? Perhaps they just don't exist?"
I shrug. I see her point, and I don't have any argument. It's obviously something that she's given a lot of thought, and I'm not gonna be able to pick it all apart. I'm not that type of person.
"I think they're real. The demons have to come from somewhere. There's plenty of stories."
"Stories," she hisses. "Shit made up to keep us all in line." She does a fake aristocratic accent. "Oh don't worry good people, I, your local warlord, am uniquely divinely gifted to protect you all from the hordes of evil creatures fucking with you twenty-four-seven. Please give me all your money and prettiest girls for my harem."
A sound of disgust flies from her mouth.
My thumbs swipe over the backs of her hands in a motion I hope is soothing.
"Then what did Katsumi see? You think she's lying?"
"No. She missed something, got duped. Just another demon fucking with people."
"I think she's telling the truth. I think her spirit is real."
Her eyes narrow on me.
"Are you fucking with me right now?"
We've never had this conversation, not to this extent. I've always been noncommittal about spirits—I've never seen one so they don't exist—only now, we have proof. Me and Chie are similar in that. Only our nerdy girl likes to explain why she doesn't or does believe something. Me? I see it or I don't. Easy.
"Katsumi isn't a rookie anymore. She's done her own fight, and we've taught her well. I don't think our girl made a mistake. I trust her."
My girlfriend shakes her head, rolling her eyes. But I think I finally know what the issue is here. It's so simple, I don't know how I didn't see it before.
"You're scared," I accuse.
She blinks at me, I push on.
"You know she's right, but you can't deal with the thought of it."
Shock is all I see at first, but then her lip curls.
"Fuck. You."
Then she's gone.
I blink twice before my brain catches up. I run after her, stop her in the middle of the hall with a hand on her wrist. She whirls on me with anger in her eye.
I release her, saying, "I'm sorry."
I'm not exactly sure what I'm apologizing for, only that an apology is needed. I upset her somehow and need to make amends. Perhaps I pushed too much. She's frowning, but not leaving. So I keep talking.
"I'm worried for you."
"You shouldn't be," she sneers.
"I shouldn't be concerned for someone I love?" My voice comes out angrier than I intend, but I know my expression doesn't match. I struggle for the next words. "Just… come here. Please?"
I hold my arms open in invitation. She eyes me warily, and for a second I'm unsure if she will. But then, slowly, she does. My arms go around her and her head is on my shoulder. For a moment—I'm not sure how long—we just are.
I hold her tight and let the minutes pass.
Pressed into me I hear her beg, "I need to not think. For… a while."
"I can help with that," I murmur into her ear.
She snorts. "I'm sure."
My arms tighten around her. "I love you."
I receive a happy hum in reply.
"Love you too, babe."
■ ■ ■
「Hotaru」
The absence the three girls left behind gets taken by this private moment I share with Chie. Only us two. The room is still heavy with the warmth and scent of our friends, their return guaranteed. Her immediate curiosity seems to be satiated, giving space to the silence of contemplation.
Chie's gaze falls. She makes herself small, “I feel like Katsumi getting hexed is my fault.”
Sitting across from her, I flash a smile she can't see, "How come?"
She fidgits with the drink in her hand, "It was my tip. I thought I was being thorough. A confirmed class-D demon that wasn’t something that would want to eat her, low aggression. I paid attention to everything. Multiple sightings over the years, all collaborating each other. It was just never picked up, because denial demons don’t exactly pay well for their D classification. The local council also called it in, but didn’t offer up any additional rewards, most likely because the path wasn’t in heavy use at night. It was perfect for Katsumi."
In my mind, I replay Mayumi snapping at her that night those other hunters used us.
"You did good. And you’re right, it was right up her alley. Her getting hexed is her doing, not yours. You know, she could’ve refused the invitation of the spirit. It wouldn’t have been the polite thing to do, but also no spirit would’ve harmed her for it. Especially not one who took such an obvious shine to her."
She finally looks at me.
"Okay. But you really can’t help Katsumi?"
"No. And I don’t think she has quite grasped yet what she did. Taking the spirit up on her offer to become her teacher. That name she is forced to write, that’s Katsumi's real name now as far as fate, the spirits, and the Kami are concerned. Her teacher named her as is her right and Katsumi implicitly agreed to it. That hex is a disciplinary action and even if someone were be able to remove it, as long as Katsumi remains the kitsune’s pupil it will return."
Chie appears ready to ask further questions, but Mayumi and Haruki’s return cause her thoughts to chase after something else.
The eager puppy eyes she makes at them are rather telling.
■ ■ ■
「Katsumi」
Leaving the bathroom stall, I’m struck by the girl in the mirror that is my reflection.
I halt and stare.
She might not be real, and if you know it, you can make out the guy underneath—the masculine aspects of my face remain—but my better diet seems to have smoothed those out a bit. How strange. Taking her in, this girl with the sharp cheeks and pretty face, her long dark hair open and not in its usual pony tail, I have to say, it would be a crime to call her a boy, regardless of how true it might be.
Perhaps I can see the argument for Mrs. Fox-spirit's hex.
Still it’s so annoying!
I hate it!
Then again… it’s not something I’d like, need to say constantly. It’s just the crossdressing thing that made that stuff kinda relevant. I can work around it, I guess. Even the name thing I can work around. I can still type my name. I seemed to just be incapable of signing anything with it, or stating it as my name.
The real problem is my license. It’s my license and yet the girl on it doesn’t exist, she has no government ID, or any other legal paperwork. I could never prove that I’m somehow supposed to be her, or that she is me or whatever.
The only thing I have is my new cherry blossoms Hunter's Mark, who's ID matches the one on my license.
In hindsight, it was supremely stupid of me that I signed all my Guild paperwork as her. Because how would I ever explain that to anyone?
Yes, I did it because it was the easier thing to do at the time. And I wanted to go out with my friends, not get involved in the most awkward convoluted mess imaginable trying to somehow sort out whatever that annoying spirit did. That would’ve taken weeks, very uncomfortable weeks.
Ugh!
Why must everything be so complicated?
The best way forward is to just power through. Once I’ve turned myself into a girl, the government will have to change my documents anyway. Then I’ll just become the girl whose demon-hunter license I already have and nobody will be the wiser.
Until then, I guess I have to keep up appearances at the Guild.
I look at my reflection.
Shouldn’t be too hard.
I give my long hair a haughty flick. Eyes sharp and confident. A cold smirk.
I purr, “They’ll never catch me〜.”
『 !!! 』
Wuah!!! When did I become so super convincing as a girl!?
Also fuck! Never doing that again! My cheeks are burning!
That made my knees weak and gave me a weird feeling down there.
What’s even going on?!
Nope, I’m leaving!
No looking, or thinking!
Why do I feel so hot all of a sudden?
「 stop thinking! 」
Mayumi wasn’t kidding, pretty boys features with some attitude are deadly!
I storm out the door, directly into another person.
Confused eyes wander up and down my body while I’m still occupied, struggling with existence itself. It’s a mess up there.
The dude in front of me who I almost mowed down—if I wasn’t such a twig and he a whole head taller—is as mute as I am. Still processing too?
He makes a step back and takes a confused look at the bathroom signage to his right.
No you are right my guy.
And yes I know how I look, but I’m still a guy too.
I use the convenient opening to move past him and hasten my walk.
Not in the mood to explain myself.
Thankfully he doesn’t say anything.
I open the door to our room, and for the second time in short succession, get overwhelmed with what’s in front of me.
Four incredible girls turn to smile at me.
I can’t understand how I got this lucky.
The days of my old life, of the drawn blinds, of utter loneliness stretching to a far horizon, seem so distant now. In the past, even during school when I was with friends, I always felt lonely and far away. Regardless of how close I was to someone, as if I wasn’t even there.
I don’t feel lonely or distant right now.
As if whatever wall had kept me from the rest of humanity is gone.
They're happy to see me and so am I.
May this never end.
(˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶) ♡