She Who Woke Among Eternity

“Uncle Vestan!” A voice rang out through the hangar. Looking down from the panel Avalyn was fixing, there was short beastkin woman walking in through the door. Though she had been expecting Mable to show up, she hadn’t expected her to be a brownish-gray rabbit beastkin. Then again, Gramps had mentioned Mable’s initial fear of Hugh when he first took her in. The other thing that Avalyn noted was that she was wearing a very expensive-looking suit. One that looked a little out of place on the cute little bunny woman, because it was clearly trying to make her look bigger than she really was.

“Mable!” Gramps said with a light chuckle, stepping away from the panel he was helping Avalyn with. “My, you’ve grown.”

She laughed. “It’s been six Vol, Uncle, and I’ve been fully grown for 30 Vol.” Though she focused her brown eyes on Gramps, who was still near Avalyn, she never glanced over at the Vysven.

“Mable!” Scevi called out from stepping off the ramp to Stargazer

“Aunty Scevi!”

Everyone started walking to one another, including Hugh, who made his way from the table where he was doing spellwork. The only person who didn’t join was Avalyn, as she just stood back and watched. The ghost of her belly felt tight as a pit formed. Her hand went to knead out the feeling as she used to do only to find there was no soft belly for her to rub. There was no relief for the growing unease in her belly as she watched everyone go about interacting without a care in the galaxy. None of them had to worry about how this newcomer to the yard would treat them. With no relief in sight, Avalyn averted her gaze and attention back to the panel she was fixing. Still, she couldn’t help but overhear.

“It’s nice to see you back on planet,” Gramps said with a clear smile in his voice.

“Happy to be back and get away from the big planets. I missed how slow small places like this feel,” Mable said.

Did people consider this a small and slow place? This was the biggest city Avalyn had ever seen, and it was anything but slow when she actually went into the center. What do people think about small towns of less than 1,000 people? Avalyn shook her head.

“We’re happy to have you back,” Scevi said. “That piece of giff didn’t deserve you.”

Hugh growled in agreement. “I never liked him.”

“You never like anyone I bring home.”

“None of them were worth liking.”

“Hib was cute,” Scevi said, “and not an drakwad.”

“True, but he realized he liked other men more and is now happily married. He and his husband just adopted too. I’m already invited to their daughter’s first birthday.”

“No giff?” Vestan said. “I’m happy for him.”

“I guess Hib was okay,” Hugh said quietly.

“Speaking of love lives,” Mable said, looking over at Gramps and Scevi, “how’s everything going back here on Bryst?” Though Avalyn could not see Gramps’s face, she knew he was blushing intensely. “So where’s this granddaughter you have that Dad is so scared of?”

“You really told her you’re scared of Avalyn?” Gramps asked.

There were a few moments of silence, and when Avalyn finally looked over, she saw Hugh sheepishly rubbing the back of his head. “I just said I’m scared of what she is capable of with magic and tech.”

“The other night you came home and drank for a couple of hours before passing out in a stupor. I’ve never seen you so shaken up that you needed a drink,” Mable said with clear worry in her voice.

Now Hugh looked down at the ground. “Drak, I’m sorry, Vestan.”

Gramps sighed. “It’s not me you need to be apologizing to. She’s just a kid, Hugh.”

“I know…”

Avalyn knew this would not go well. Hugh being afraid of her was something she had known, but the fact that he had to drink himself to sleep one night over how afraid of her he was hurt her deep down. She wanted to hide away. People weren’t ever going to just see her as a normal person, were they? Even people that had seen her just be a normal person were still afraid of her. Though her face couldn’t show emotion, she now desperately understood why Mama wanted to wear a mask in front of people. During the life she lived in the simulation, all she wanted was to fit in and not stand out, but even in reality that would never happen.

“This shit fucking sucks…” Avalyn said as her arms dropped from the panel. Looking down at her metal hands, she said, “Even when I look organic, it’s not going to change a damn thing, is it? People might think I’m organic, but I’m still just going to be a Vysven. Then people will really look at me and not in the way I would want.” Now, with the hurt came frustration. She didn’t choose this. It was beyond her control, but that didn’t matter to other people. Avalyn was a little thankful she couldn’t feel tears running down her face. Knowing that she was crying would only make her feel worse.

What was the point of trying to get papers, anyway? It would only help her if she were in trouble, but it doesn’t prevent people from trying to shut her down or telling her to leave a store. Having documents won’t stop people from knocking her around in public because they think she’s nothing more than an automaton. “I want to talk to Mama…”

“Avalyn.”

Looking back up from her gaze that had drifted down, Avalyn found all the other people looking at her, even Mable. “I’m really going to ask Mama about a mask sooner rather than later. I fucking hate everyone looking at me like that,” she whispered to herself. “Yes?” Gramps waved her over, and a tightness grew in her ghost of a body. Nervously she started walking over and she watched Mable’s curious eyes look over the surrounding people before landing back on Avalyn and hardening. Avalyn’s legs weren’t made of lead, but it sure as hell felt like it.

As she finally got close enough that it wasn’t awkward, Gramps said, “Mable, this is A—”

“This is a statement you find to be false,” Mable said without hesitation and with a lot of snark.

“You’ve got your dad’s terrible fashion sense. That suit looks way too big on you,” Avalyn said before waving her off and turning back around. “I’m not dealing with this shit.” She started walking back to Stargazer.

“Avalyn,” Gramps said.

“I’m not the automaton playing Kenana dress up,” Mable said, trying to muster again as much snark as a slightly confused person could.

“Not an automaton, bitch,” Avalyn said, flipping her the bird.

“Avalyn!” Gramps yelled.

“I’m not the one denying she’s a person!”

Mable asked, “What the drak is going on?”

“You can’t just call people stuff like that, Avalyn,” Gramps started, following her.

“She tried to shut me down and called me an automaton! I’m not putting up with that shit.” Finally she got back to the panel she was working on. There was so much frustration and hurt floating around inside of her.

“Avalyn, we need her help.”

“For what? A document that tells people I’m a fucking person. Is that going to stop people from trying to shut me down, or is it something I’m just going to have to show after they try to shut me down? What’s the fucking point if every single motherfucking person I have ever met in this shit-ass alliance has tried to immediately shut me down! Even you tried to shut me down, Gramps! The only person who didn’t was Bren and I’m 100% sure he didn’t think of me as a person and even then he’s still scared shitless of me! Fuck!” The engines of Stargazer flared to life as she screamed, though they did nothing more than roar with her screams.

“Avalyn,” Gramps said, taking a step back at the sound of the roaring engines.

“Hugh fucking drank till he passed out because of me, and I’ve been trying to get him to like me and feel safe around me! I’ve literally spent hours thinking of jokes to tell him! I’m stuck in a place of people either d-denying my personhood or they’re scared of me because I’m not a f-fucking automaton! E-even when I’m not s-stuck in this tin c-can of a body, people are still going to be t-terrified of me!” She couldn’t hold back the crying anymore, even if she couldn’t shed a real tear. The frustration was turning into anger, and she so desperately wished she could feel the hot tears running down her face. “I d-didn’t a-ask to be made!” Panting, Avalyn curled up into a ball on the floor, her eyes turning off as her hands came up to cover her face.

“Avalyn!” She couldn’t see him move, but she could hear him fall to his knees and could sense his hands grabbing onto her arms. Though she didn’t do anything and the fact that Gramps wasn’t strong enough to pull her arms away, he tried his hardest to pull her hands away from her face. “Avalyn, please calm down. It’s going to be alright.”

The galaxy was too big… This civilization was too big… Crescent was too big… She just wanted to get away. Go somewhere where no one would see her. Where no one would think she was an automaton. Where no one would fear her for what she was. Why couldn’t even her isekaied life be calm and uneventful? She fought against Gramps as her fingers dug into the top of her head. Metal scraped against metal as pain became the only thing she could feel. Gramps tried so hard to pull her hands away, but he just wasn’t strong enough and this was all too much.

“I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this,” Avalyn repeated over and over again. She didn’t notice Gramps trying to pull her hands away, only to cut his hand on the torn metal. She didn’t notice that others had pulled Mable out and away from sight. All she wanted was to not be seen. To not be observed and left alone.

“Avalyn, please!” Gramps said with clear fear and hurt in his voice.

“I can’t do this. I can’t do this.” Her fingers dug in deeper as the pain in her head flared.

“Please, Avalyn. It’s going to be alright. You just need to stop. Please.”

“Avalyn.” Two warm hands grabbed Avalyn’s waist while two more grabbed her wrists and pulled them away from her face. Unlike with Gramps, Mama had the power to pull Avalyn’s hands away even as she fought back. “It’s going to be alright.” Though Avalyn still fought against her mama, Eternity picked her up by her waist and pulled her into her lap.

It was so warm, and Avalyn just continued to cry, feeling her mama’s arms wrap around her and hold her close. She just wanted to disappear and hide away somewhere. People were too much. They all thought she was an automaton and treated her like trash. She wasn’t trash; she was a person stuck in this disgusting body. A body that was already well underway to repairing all the damage she had done to herself.