Fixated
“Fucks sake.” I grumbled to myself as I wet a washcloth and started the microwave. Satisfied with that little bit of prep being underway, I settled into the plush double recliner.
The last thing I needed was yet another person seeing right through me at a glance, especially since it seemed to be a one-way glass situation.
Who did she think she was anyways? Advice and wisdom is nice but all this talk of moderation and being sure was soooo easy for her to say with her growing family.
Was I jealous? Possibly. Her kids certainly seemed adorable. But I was also more than a little bit alarmed at her expressing regrets about having a third. I knew from experience that kids can tell when they aren’t wanted, even if you say you love them.
Ugh. Like sure, not my problem. But wasn’t it? Was the kid in danger of being under-loved?
I rubbed my eyes, trying to manually smooth the worried creases from my brow. I’d talk with Deyha and Carolyn about it, and then the adults could decide.
Fucking adults. I was supposed to be one too, right? But all this cushy babying had let me settle into the role of a child all over again. I didn’t have bills or expenses anymore—hell, I had it on good authority that I’d been filed as a dependent on taxes, whether they wanted me to believe that or not.
I wrapped my fingers around the bell on my collar, feeling the familiar way the edges dug into my palm.
I tried to breathe slower, think slower. I’d leapt from one worry to the next as though it was something productive to do but in reality I was just sitting here. Frozen while I distracted myself from the discomforts I’d specifically come here to soothe.
I leaned over the edge of the couch to grab the extraction harness but something else caught my eye. The *other* extractors. Tubes instead of cups, still packed in their sanitary bags.
“Fuck it.” I cursed under my breath for what felt like the hundredth time today as I unwrapped them and connected them to the tubes I’d prepared before.
The last couple days I’d found that none of the cups we had on hand were terribly comfortable anymore, and I was beginning to suspect that my deviant little subconscious had asked for areolas more akin to teats than nipples.
I shrugged off the straps of my romper and peeled off my shirt. Once I had the bra out of the way the chill asserted itself. It had taken forever to really get the sense of when my body wanted to release milk, but today I'd been pretty on top of it. I hadn’t even soaked the nursing pads all that much.
The microwave finished its cycle right on cue. I sighed as the hot cotton cloth warmed my fingers and chest. These were so much better than the wet naps and baby wipes that everyone had been using when I first arrived. After the industrial Oshibori unit in the common area took off so well, I’d managed to talk Deyha into the admittedly less efficient tiny microwave for my stall.
She’d made me promise not to use it for food as well, but it had been months since I’d wanted a microwave meal anyways.
I tossed the used cloth in the laundry basket and fussed with arranging the extractor. It wouldn’t work with either my pink harness or the more generic stretchy band style holders, so I went ahead and opened up the vacuum throttle to help the extractors hold themselves in place.
I’d feared there would be some pain with all the pressure being on such a small area, but aside from the weight of the tubes the main sensation was a firm but gentle squeezing. It didn’t even pinch, my tears just stretched to fill the tube as much as possible and when they couldn’t go further, they gushed milk instead.
I hugged my midsection, cradling my breasts as I leaned forward on instinct. If the previous cups had felt like some approximation of a mouth, these felt like hands: Squeezing and pulling to the tips with uncanny regularity.
“Fuck~” I whined as the arousal I’d just managed to forget returned with a vengeance.
No amount of logic could convince me this was an innocent or natural activity now. Perhaps I was being milked by a machine, but now I was being milked like a cow.
I eased myself down off the couch and turned to kneel in front of it, letting my breasts hang as I rested my elbows on the cushion.
Painful emptiness in my core asserted itself and I whined as I remembered the time I’d desperately ridden Deyha’s fingers in this exact room.
Now I wished I’d actually taken the time to strip completely for this. It took all my self restraint to avoid shaking off the extractors as I pushed my romper down off my hips. There was no dildo or Deyha here today so I buried my face in the cushion as I worked one hand under my panties. The cushion muffled my whines and moans as I rocked my hips against the imagined cock.
Nothing mattered more than being bred, nothing could possibly be more important right now. Someone was tapping at the door but I just clamped my free hand over my mouth and pressed on. I was already so close.
Aaaand then the door opened.
"Oh. Shit." Ellen immediately closed the door again as I sat up to glare at the intrusion.
"Sorry." Her voice came muffled through the door.
"It's fine." I pulled my romper back up over my panties and sat in the recliner. Not too long ago I'd be horrified and embarrassed, but while Ellen hadn’t gotten a proper look, it had only ever been a matter of time. "You can come in."
Ellen slipped inside, turning as she did to close the door as quickly as possible. I chuckled as she continued to look at the door for a moment.
"I… thought you were crying. Sorry."
"Geeze Ellen, seriously. Its fine. You can come sit down."
"You aren't uh…" she trailed off. "Okay. sure." I turned to face her as she sat on the other side of the recliner, but she seemed determined to make eye contact with the blank TV screen
"So…" I fiddled with the tubes idly as Ellen continued to squirm, "How have you been?"
"Good. I've been good-- and you look good. Great even!"
"Uh huh."
"Were you… having fun?"
"Mhmm. The new extractor style suits me I think, though it feels far less innocent."
"I-- yeah. I figured." She bunched up the fabric of her sweat pants on her knees.
She didn't seem to be in a hurry to get to the meaning of her visit, so I draped my discarded shirt over my chest and pulled my knees up to help hold the weight of the extractors.
"Better?"
Ellen only spared a glance before deciding to look anywhere else.
After a while I figured the question was going to be treated as rhetorical, so I changed tact. "How's the vaginoplasty going?"
"Uh, good. Pretty much complete."
"Are you happy with it?" I was beginning to tire of moving the conversation along. I'd expected her to eagerly assist me with the activities that she had interrupted but I was beginning to think I didn't understand the reason for her timidness nearly as much as I assumed.
She only nodded this time, and I indulged in a dramatic eyeroll as she stole yet another glance at me.
"You know," I kept my tone conversational, "I stepped up my oral game with the latest edits. I even made Carolyn squirt, though I'm sure she would deny it if you ask her. Would you like a demonstration?"
If she had been blushing before she was positively cooking now. I gave her a few more seconds to stew before checking the extractors again. Evidently the tube style was more efficient too because I'd more than half filled a milk bag already.
"Or, you can help me finish what I was doing when you knocked earlier…”
“Geeze Maddie.”
“That’s not a ‘no’.”
I waited for her to say no. She was stalling the exact way I would if I were looking for a polite way to let someone down, but after a few seconds she stood.
“You know this place has thin walls. I don’t think we should risk anything, especially when there’s guests.”
I pouted but she seemed unmoved as she pressed on.
“But maybe you can come up to my bedroom when you’re done here?”
She stepped over to the door but I caught her hand.
“Or we could just cuddle. The bag chair is comfy and I can turn down the temp to simulate snuggle weather.”
Ellen squinted at me but didn’t pull her hand back. She even glanced at the stuffed animal corner as if assessing its comfort levels.
“If you don’t escalate to sex, then I will. I don’t want to get your collection dirty.”
It was my turn to blush. “Geeze Ellen…” I dropped her hand and fidgeted with the tubes.
There was definitely more in the proverbial tanks, but I cut off the suction anyways.
“Will you help me cycle this?” I gestured to the bag as I squeezed the last of the milk out of the lines and capped off the vacuum port.
“Sure. I’m not… coming on too strong am I?”
I burst out laughing at the absurdity of the question. “What? No! I thought I was an open book to you?”
Ellen shrugged non-committally “it’s just, something about the latest change. Like, you said it was driven by subconscious stuff right? I just didn’t expect…” she trailed off while gesturing vaguely.
I looked down and sighed. “I mean… I never would have consciously done this much in a thousand years. I could hide the hooves before and the horns were going to stay pretty small. The fuzz is pleasant enough though.” My mood spiraled as the poorly suppressed thoughts surfaced. “You’ve always seen me, right? I’m still me, aren’t I?”
I felt wretched for how pitiful I sounded. I was trapping her into encouraging me, and now that I knew it was coerced it wouldn’t do me any good anyways.
“I’m sorry, yes of course I know you.” Ellen knelt in front of me and I felt wretched all over again.
“Besides—” I tried to inject levity into my tone. “It’s only a matter of time before you shapeshift into a tuxedo cat with inky black fur and little white socks and gloves.”
“How did you— oh yeah. The profile picture…”
“All that fur is going to be a bitch to care for.~”
“Alright alright.” Ellen stood and put her hands on her hips. “You’re right. Same exact pain in my ass Maddie always pretending she’s a saint.”
“I never claimed to be—“
“But deep down you’re a pervert. An easy little cow who’s only barely too principled to wear a ‘free use’ sign.”
I squinted at Ellen now. “Awful confident considering a minute ago you were nearly treating me like a stranger.”
She smirked and her eyes trailed down. “If we’re just heading up to my bedroom for a roll in the hay, I don’t see any point in you getting dressed again.”
“I don’t have my robe down here—“
She continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “I’ll just put this shirt and bra in your laundry basket on my way up.” She collected the garments before I could react.
“Ellen.” I grit my teeth as she bundled my clothes under her arm.
“The romper covers enough. Pull up the straps, you’ll be perfectly decent.” There was an unmistakable challenge in her tone now.
When I made no move to follow the suggestion she rolled her eyes. “Did that not sound like an order? Do I have to call you names to get you to obey? What does Carolyn do to get your attention?”
“She has authority, for starters.”
“Right, she bites you.” Ellen once again pretended I hadn’t spoken. “Pull up your romper pet and go to my room.” She pointed upward for emphasis.
I debated dragging this out—pretending I wasn’t interested and that she was crossing a line, but her fear about misunderstanding me was also fresh on my mind.
“Fine~” I indulged in sounding put upon as I fixed the straps on my romper. “We’ll work on your commanding presence.”
Ellen smirked. “Good girl. I’ll see you in a minute.” She stepped out, closing the door behind her as she went and left me to hype myself up for this ordeal all over again.
I wasn’t going to have to walk past any of the guests… but this was a bit much. I did a quick search to see if there were any forgotten garments or blankets but I couldn’t find anything.
Damnit. At least when Deyha carried me out naked I had completely lost agency in the situation. Now it was up to me, even if I was more or less clothed this time.
I began planning out my route. There were only two stairwells to choose from, with the trade-off being how much of the journey was upstairs instead of downstairs. The balcony would be very visible from the little section where the kids were grouped so the decision wasn’t completely cut and dry.
“Shit.” I grumbled under my breath as I peeked out of my stall. Everyone was where I expected them to be, and some saint had gone and put away all the blankets so there wasn’t even any cover I could grab on the way. With all the easy solutions shot down, my best bet was to just keep distance and hope I looked more clothed from afar. Ellen thought my bare ass was pants the other day so it wasn’t impossible.
All that worrying and anxiety came to nothing. Nobody passed me in the lobby, nobody looked up to the balcony.
Nobody noticed a damn thing.
Did this mean I could get away with it more often? My heart continued to hammer in my chest as I sat on the edge of Ellen’s bed. Was this thrilling? Did I enjoy that?
“Oh, good.” Ellen let herself in and put her hands on her hips. “I was worried that I'd have to come down and find you cowering in a broom closet.”
I let out my breath in a huff and slumped back on the bed. “For your information I did spend a significant amount of time worrying and planning.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“Did you have fun?”
“Worrying? No. Not at all.” Ellen opened her mouth to no-doubt clarify my deliberate misinterpretation, so I pressed on. “I don’t know how I feel about walking around half naked yet. This time wasn’t as stressful as when you caught Deyha taking me to the bath, but it also wasn’t as exciting.”
“So you like an audience. Good to know.”
“Sure.” I laid back on the bed, “that might as well be the takeaway.”
“I know what I think the takeaway should be.” The bed rocked as Ellen crawled on and flopped beside me.
“Taking away my clothes?”
“Mmmm that’s a better answer than I had in mind, so we will go with that. Now strip!” She nudged my shoulder and I begrudgingly sat up to work the shoulder straps of my romper back off
“We still need to work on your delivery.” I mumbled but I complied anyway, kicking off the panties too.
“Do we? I’m getting pretty good results.”
I turned in time to see that she had tried to make a grab for my tail while I wasn’t looking.
“You’re impossible.” I crawled back onto the bed, out of arms reach this time, and sat on my hooves. “Maybe when your tail comes in you’ll stop abusing mine.”
“Maybe when mine comes in you’ll get me back.” Ellen countered. “I’ve seen the way you react when Carolyn grabs it at the base.”
“I— when? There’s no way—“
“Babe, it’s not like she abstains from touching you in front of me.”
“You're too observant for your own good.”
"Soooo true breastie."
I squinted at the freudian slip. Could it even be called a slip if it was that obviously intentional?
"So." Ellen pressed on. "What were you doing when I so rudely interrupted?"
"Crashing out sexy style on my new milking attachments-- are you just going to keep your clothes on?"
Ellen looked down and shrugged. "I suppose I was trying to cultivate an air of mystery."
"I just feel like these things are usually reciprocal."
"Fine, fine." Ellen sat up enough to tug off her shirt and then laid back to push off her pants. "Better?"
I figured she probably wanted me to object to her keeping her underwear on but I decided to shrug instead. "If that's your comfort level. Anyways, I was getting worked up over the sensations of being milked, specifically like… on all fours and with the longer cups pulling down."
"Can we talk about how you called it 'crashing out sexy style'?"
"I said what I said."
"It should be illegal to abuse lingo the way you do."
"What are you, a cop?"
"What a terrible accusation…" Ellen muttered under her breath as she crawled closer. "Well, now I'm gonna get you."
"Get me?" I started to scoot away from her but I was too slow. In an instant she caught my arm and pulled me into a tight embrace.
I instinctively feared some sort of tickle attack, so I was caught completely off guard when she rolled onto her back and pulled me on top of her. I’d placed a leg between her thighs out of habit, but she cupped my ass and pulled me forward until I had to straddle her stomach instead.
"Your grand plan was to get yourself pinned by me?" I held her shoulders down but she shrugged me off.
"No, my plan was to suck your teats while I finger your silly little brains out. Is that okay?" Sarcasm was heavy in her voice now but her words still had a visceral effect on me.
“Oh… okay.” I suddenly felt timid. I wasn’t used to being physically on top and I felt almost like I was bottoming out harder just to compensate.
“Oh, okay~ she says.” Ellen chided as she coaxed me to relax into her.
I had to shift to my left so that she could get her right arm between us, but after a moment she was palming my cunt and the remaining strength left my hips.
“Fuck ~” I whined as she caught my right teat in her mouth. "Ellennn~"
Her hand between my legs wasn't idle. She eased two fingers in even as she tried to swallow my boob. I was in the impossible situation of desperately needing to move yet not having the strength to do anything. I couldn't rock my hips to ride her fingers, and I couldn't lift my shoulders enough to keep from smothering Ellen with my chest.
Not that she seemed to mind. Her breath was hot against me as she sucked. I had to imagine this was some sort of heaven to her, being smothered by boobs and whatnot, but I was in a similar sort of hell terrified of hurting her yet nearly overcome with pleasure.
Before long my hips began to ache with the strain of holding myself up while spasming on her fingers.
Finally, she pulled her hand free and stopped sucking.
"Sorry." I pushed myself upright and indulged in resting a bit of weight on her lap.
Ellen wiped her mouth on the back of her hand. "Nothin to apologize for. Wait, aren't I supposed to bite you for that?"
"Thats the arrangement I made with Carolyn." I hugged my belly, cradling my chest as Ellen stretched her arms.
"Then maybe we need our own thing. Maybe I'll just tug your tail."
She propped herself up on an elbow and reached around me but I caught her wrist just in time.
"I don't think so."
My victory was short lived . One second I'd successfully rebuffed her attack, the next she was out from under me and had me pinned face down on the bed.
"You seem confused..." Ellen straddled my back with her fist tight around the base of my tail. "I think you've got this misconception that we are equals."
My efforts to push myself up or roll her off of me only earned me some firm tugs on the tail.
"Enlighten me then." I grit my teeth.
"You are property."
"Not your property." I argued but she only tugged my tail.
"You are a plaything in my care, and you're getting a little big for your britches after all these fancy new mods. It seems to me someone ought to bring you down a peg."
I sighed as heavily as I could manage with her practically sitting on me.
Finally she loosened her grasp, but I elected not to test her. She'd been gentle so far but it wasn't worth finding out what a rough touch would feel like.
"Are you happy with how this is going?"
The shift in her tone was abrupt and it took me a moment to process.
Before I could begin to form an answer she was easing herself up off of me.
I rolled onto my side and pulled down one of her pillows to rest my head on as she folded her legs under her about an arms length away. Further than I would have liked despite everything.
She didn't seem particularly worried, so I took my time coming up with a response.
"I… didn't not like it. I guess I just haven't learned how to not be a brat about stuff."
"Am I going about the whole assertive thing wrong?"
"I don't think so, it's just… maybe I can't take you seriously since I also know you're a catgirl. Aren't all catgirls bottoms?"
Ellen smirked and shook her head. "So you think my confidence is lacking? Or are your notions of interpersonal dynamics so rigid that you only respond to grand displays of dominance?" she gave a wry chuckle. "I may not be the most assertive trans girl you've ever met but I assure you that absolutely anyone will look like a 'top' compared to you." She made air quotes before leaning forward to crawl closer.
"I guess maybe I just don't want a top-bottom dynamic at the moment? I think I’ve been trying to play along just because you seemed to be interested in some sort of roleplay… but I'm not just a collared pet full-time you know?"
"I feel like I am obligated to inform you that you never take that collar off and the cow characteristics are not exactly a costume… but I think I get what you mean. I'm sorry that I just assumed it was a 24/7 sort of thing."
"If you had a tail I'd pull it for that." I rolled off the bed and fiddled with unlocking my collar as I headed for Ellen's bedroom door.
"Oh, so that is going to become our thing?"
"It might as well." I got the collar unlocked and set it down on the dresser before flipping her lights off.
"Are you supposed to take that off?"
I shook my head. "It's not like I'm taking a wedding ring off to cheat. I take it off to shower and sleep all the time."
"I mean it quite literally has the connotation…"
I rolled my eyes and grabbed the collar again. With it off I was able to more easily unclip the bell before reclasping the leather band around my neck.
“Did you ever actually sit down with Carolyn and Deyha to figure out what they are okay with?”
“What, like with me sleeping around?”
“Yeah, exactly that. Are you sure they are okay with us being… intimate?”
“A bit late to ask.” I chuckled as I crawled back onto the bed but Ellen stepped off.
“I’m serious.”
I sat on my knees. The answer was “no” but that was also pretty plainly the answer that would bring an end to present activities. However, horny as I may be, I wasn’t interested in being the sort of person to lie and manipulate my way into getting what I wanted.
“You know as well as I do that it’s never been a secret. Carolyn gave her approval before you ever arrived and Deyha got up to speed the first day you visited.”
“And you didn't discuss it further?”
“What is there to discuss?”
“Maddie~” Ellen’s tone was crossing from worried to exasperated. “Just because you’re in a poly relationship doesn’t mean there isn’t a boundary.”
“Carolyn didn’t even tell me about Mary.”
“You’re going to have to let that go—“
“I have, I have, but that set a precedent didn’t it?”
“For you and Carolyn maybe, how does Deyha feel about all of this?”
“I… I’m not sure.” I avoided looking at Ellen. “It’s not the sort of thing she would volunteer and…”
“And?” Ellen sat on the bed next to me.
“And I’m afraid that if I ask then I’ll find out it bothers her and I’ll have to choose between you and her.”
“I find that highly unlikely, but there may be some nuance. She might hope for some things to remain special, like I’m fairly certain she would be hurt if you got pregnant without telling her.”
“Well yeah, sure. But that’s not going to happen.”
“Still…”
“yeah, yeah.” I grumbled and turned to sit on the edge of the bed. “I can be an adult and figure this out before having more play time.”
“I’m proud of you.”
“You’re a butt.” I stood and looked around for my clothes. “And a buzzkill. Did you actually take my shirt and bra to the laundry hamper?”
“Yeah, why?”
“I’m going to get to the bottom of this and I’d rather not go tracking down my beloveds half naked. It tends to derail things.” I looked around for something to cover up with. “I’m stealing this.” I picked up her discarded shirt and slipped it over my head before she could object.
“I guess you’re pretty keen to get this figured out immediately?”
I squinted at her as I stepped into my panties and turned my romper right side out. “If nothing else I know they won’t work me up and then slam the brakes… Well actually, no. They might do that too. I must have some sort of talent for making people want to abort sexy times.”
“You’re just special like that.”
“You’re full of it.” I muttered under my breath as I pulled the romper up. I didn’t particularly feel like feeding my tail through the little diamond cutout that I’d hemmed in so I let the straps dangle. “Do you want to come with?”
“Is that an innu—“
“No. I changed my mind.” I ignored Ellen’s indignant objections and let her scramble to catch up as I excused myself from her bedroom.
Any other day I might have just worn this all the way to the clinic, but between the guests and the borrowed nature of this particular top I wasn’t willing to risk Carolyn’s excitement.
The pit stop at my bedroom also had the bonus benefit of letting Ellen wonder where the fuck I’d gone. I responded to her messages with a winky face emoji as I set out for the clinic at last.