Cameron To Candy

The knock came, crisp and punctual. Candy opened and returned her hands to a folded position, her head lowered just enough. “Mrs. Prim. Sergeant. You are looking well. Please, come into our home.”

Mrs. Prim’s smile sharpened. “Your manners are improving.” Strapforth gave his customary single nod.

“Thank you, ma’am, for noting it.” Inside, Candy’s mind hissed, gludge, I sound like a training manual. She turned with careful grace, leading them to the parlor.

Marcus appeared a moment later, offering the expected greeting. Sergeant Strapforth returned it with another nod; Mrs. Prim fluttered approval.

Candy asked, “Would either of you care for tea?”

Mrs. Prim began to decline, but Candy pressed with a sweet smile. “We had a pot ready. If you would be so kind as to assist me, ma’am?”

It was a calculated risk; tapping another woman into the service could be seen as a Paddlewickian show of confidence. Prim’s smile sharpened, but she agreed. Together they carried the tray. Candy dared pour, wrist a bit stiff, but steady.

“This is the first time you’ve poured before me,” Prim observed. “Your form needs work, but the initiative is welcome.”

“Thank you, ma’am,” Candy said, tilting her head just so.

Once the cups were settled and the first polite sips taken, Mrs. Prim set hers down. “Now, to business. Your metrics are… not the worst they have been, but hardly improved. Chores were minimal. The cadence to your husband is insufficient. I strongly suspect you do not display the propriety you show us when we are absent.”

Candy folded her hands. “It is harder without your shining example before me, ma’am. But I do try.”

“Mmm.” Prim’s mouth curved, half-skeptical. “And then there is the matter of your… lapse. I regret speaking to such a private matter, but it must be addressed. Your oral apology last week. Curiously, it was declined, then later given.”

Candy bowed her head. “Yes, ma’am. I was unprepared, shamefully so. Fortunately, my mother-in-law, Lady Eleanor Elwood, was invaluable in training me.”

Marcus’s face blanched, while Mrs. Prim’s features softened. “Ah. That explains the retraction, then the later compliance. Yes, yes. Lady Elwood is known to be a good woman. You are fortunate to have her as your mother-in-law. I’m sure she keeps her husband pleased.”

Marcus’ grip on his teacup looked ready to shatter it.

Candy added, voice bright as porcelain, “Oh indeed! In fact, she demonstrated the oral retention technique. You know the one, where you present and wait for permission to swallow?”

Mrs. Prim nearly glowed. “Delightful. I am glad you could see such an advanced technique!”

“Oh yes,” Candy went on sweetly, “she owns all three variants of the pin herself.”

Marcus looked like he could melt into the wall.

“Truly a good woman,” Mrs. Prim said, oblivious to Marcus’ discomfort. “Without academy training or female kin of your own, it was only natural your mother-in-law would step in. This explains much.”

Candy glanced at Marcus, smirking inwardly. If she pressed a moment longer, there might soon be a Marcus-shaped hole in the front door.

Marcus made a weak attempt to change the subject, voice fraying. “Perhaps we can—”

“—She demonstrated on the training dummy, Sir Cumsalot,” Candy said brightly, cutting him off. Marcus made a strangled sound that Candy had never heard from him before. "

"Oh, I'll be!” Mrs. Prim smiled, "My older sister was trained on that model!"

"Truly?" Candy asked, ready to explode with joy at how long she'd been able to keep this going. "Well, it really is a small kingdom, isn't it?"

That was when Sergeant Strapforth cleared his throat. The man had never shown a single emotion other than mild annoyance in the entire time Candy had known him, but now a flicker of something that might have passed for sympathy flittered across his stony face for the first time in memory. His voice fell like a gavel.

“Yes. Well. The point is, the issue has been rectified. On another matter…” He struck the word another with enough weight to kill the conversation. “I must formally inspect the quality of the installation of your wife’s pinboard. Mrs. Prim will evaluate her sashes and pins.”

Marcus surged to his feet, eager for escape. “Of course! Eh, I mean, please, follow me!" He spat out, already halfway to the door. "The installation is correct, although there are no pins to evaluate.”

The pinboard hung in its proper place on the parlor wall, plain as a sermon. Inside, it was empty. On the hooks below: two sashes only, the bridal sash and the Cherry Dot.

Mrs. Prim stared for a moment, then leaned in as if the lack might resolve itself if she looked close enough. “Nearly five months married, and you have only two sashes? Not a single pin?”

Candy clasped her hands, head slightly lowered. "They’re just pins lady!" she thought.

“The early pins are the easiest,” Prim went on, disbelief sharpening each word. “You get a pin if your husband calls you good girl. You get a pin if you do the dishes without complaint. Are you telling me you have not done the dishes once without grumbling?”

Candy’s pleasant smile tightened. “Well, perhaps a sarcastic comment here or there. I er… could work on it, if needed.”

From behind, Sergeant Strapforth let out a single low grunt, disapproval carved into sound.

Prim shook her head. “You did receive the Pin Codex, did you not?”

“Yes, ma’am. A couple of weeks ago. Before that, I wasn’t really… aware.”

Prim sniffed. “I recall. All right, Mrs. Elwood. If you do not have five pins by this time next month, we will have to assign you a Praise Mentor.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Candy murmured, wondering what fresh hells a “praise mentor” was.

Mrs. Prim set down her empty teacup. “Thank you for the tea. We shall see you again, same time next week.” Strapforth gave his final nod, and they departed.

As they walked up the lane, Mrs. Prim shook her head. “I haven’t heard of a pinboard so bare since Spankanie Whipform. And she, well, she was a case.”

Strapforth grunted again, which in his lexicon meant the matter was acknowledged. They moved on.

Back inside, Marcus pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Really, you had to go there about my mom again?

"You know why."

"All that just because I warned you too late?"

"Just?! You want to switch roles and call it JUST?"

Marcus grunted. He felt it was not proportional retaliation, but also saw he was losing ground, so he switched topics.

“Anyway, any idea which pins you'll go for? It can’t be that hard. You heard Mrs. Prim. The intro pins are easy, you get them for almost anything.”

“Exactly,” Candy said. “It’s meant to indoctrinate wives early. They get praise, a trinket, and a brief rush of reward. It’s training.”

Marcus rubbed at his jaw. “Congratulations, you get the point. So go with it. And you know, each pin usually comes with a bit of coin, too. A copper or two. That’s not nothing.”

Candy gave him a look. “That’s not really the issue.”

“Well, regardless,” he said, “you’ve got to do it. How hard is it for you to wash dishes once without complaining?”

“Pretty damn hard!” she snapped, and did not apologize.