Vape Shop Isekai: A Retail Manager’s Guide to a Stolen World

Cody stood at the entrance of Sunnydale, covered in hot dog shit and shaking his head.

“This…is where they were bringing her?!”

“Yo.” Gerald walked out of Wangs as the caravan continued up the winding path toward the castle in the Locksley district. “You look like shit, dawg.”

Cody looked down at his cardigan. “How do I get into the castle?”

Gerald looked at the caravan, then back at Cody. “Who they got?”

“Sara.”

“Bruh.” Gerald gasped. “We need Big Dick Dave.”

“We need Big Dick Dave.” Cody nodded. “Where’s he at?”

“In the shitter.” Gerald jerked his head back toward Wangs. “Tried the Magma-Veined Meat Plug.”

“No one’s eaten one without dehydrating amounts of diarrhea yet, have they?” Cody shook his head and chuckled. “Imagine Big Dick Dave on the Brown-Out board.”

Gerald folded his arms over his chest. “That Hell-wasp venom gets ’em every time.”

“Ger-bear!”

Big Dick Dave was a mountain of a man, every bit as tall as Gerald and twice as broad through the shoulders. He wore a plain white T-shirt beneath red-and-black flannel. He adjusted his jeans as he approached, smiling.

“Cody!”

“Sara’s in trouble, BDD.” Gerald pointed up the hill. “Glizzys got ’er.”

“Well, what the fuck are we waiting for, then?” Big Dick Dave slapped Cody and Gerald on the shoulders.

Cody paused.

Shit.

What was the Buldak code for? Maybe Sara already had a plan.

He shook his head clear. “Nothing. We gotta get her back.”

“Then we need to hit ’em on the other side of the river, before they get to the Cubway.” Big Dick Dave took off toward the massive canal running straight through the middle of Sunnydale. “If they get to the castle, I’ll have to get the boys.”

“And no one wants the boys.” Gerald stayed on his heels. “Hope we get her before the Cubway gets destroyed. Gonna get me a Foot Long Sub. Mmmm.”

Cody dashed through the street on all fours to keep up with Big Dick Dave. “How you can fit the whole foot is insane to me.”

“I gots more cushion for the pushin’.” Gerald winked, his BOTTOM grill shining with his killer smile.

They cut onto a side street closer to the river. No one knew Sunnydale’s streets better than Big Dick Dave. Cody passed straight between Gerald’s legs, leaped the fence behind him, then hooked hard left onto a residential street.

Big Dick Dave threw an arm out in front of them and brought them to an immediate stop.

Children and families filled the street, sitting and talking outside cafés and shops.

“We walk.” Big Dick Dave’s tone brooked no argument. “Hey, Bronson!”

Big Dick Dave stepped ahead and approached a middle-aged man sitting alone on a bench. He sat beside him, almost shoulder to shoulder. There was still room, but Gerald and Cody stood and waited.

They trusted Big Dick Dave knew what he was doing.

“How have you been since Beth left?” He wrapped an arm around the man and pulled him against his chest.

Bronson didn’t resist. He cried into Big Dick Dave’s rugged flannel.

“I’m so lonely, Big Dick Dave. It’s so hard for me to make friends. I don’t know what to do.”

Big Dick Dave let him cry until the sobbing eased.

“Come on. Come with us. I got some people right down the road I’m gonna introduce you to. Really easygoing, relaxed crowd.”

Bronson pulled back and looked at him in shock. “R-really? I can hang out with…your friends?”

Big Dick Dave stood and offered his hand. “I wouldn’t have it any other way, my friend.”

“I’m…”

Big Dick Dave winked, kept his hand out, and jerked his head down the street.

Bronson took it. Big Dick Dave pulled him up and immediately wrapped him in a huge bear hug.

“Hey. You got this, man.”

He held him for another long moment, then pulled back and warmly gripped him by the arms.

“You know where I am whenever you need someone to talk to. I mean it, Bronson.”

“O-okay.” Bronson shot a timid look toward Cody’s absolutely heterosexual swooning, then Gerald’s radiant toothy grin, and straightened. “Okay.”

“Let’s go.” Big Dick Dave led them farther down the street. “They’re right before our stop.”

“That shirt fucking rocks, man!” Cody pointed at Bronson’s gray classic Ween shirt with the spiky-haired guy on it. “I fucking love Chocolate and Cheese.”

Bronson looked down at it in pleasant surprise as they walked. “Ah, yeah, thanks! I really love 12 Golden Country Greats.”

“Piss Up a Rope.” Cody nodded. “Fuck yeah.”

A commotion broke out ahead, and their pace instinctively quickened.

“Elara!”

Big Dick Dave quickly intercepted a young woman in tattered clothes being led away by the city guard. He stepped directly into their path, blocking it with his broad shoulders, then smiled at her and reached out his hand.

“Hey. How is your mom?”

The two guards panicked and loosened their grip long enough for Big Dick Dave to pull her free. She twirled back into his arms. He immediately released her and stepped between her and the guards.

“She’s really sick, Big Dick Dave.” Elara peeked from behind him. “I was just trying to get medicine.”

“She’s a thief!” shouted the guard Cody now recognized as Captain Dick. “We’re taking her away!”

“What did she steal, Dick?” Big Dick Dave asked calmly, arms folded over his chest.

Captain Dick pointed at the ground a few feet away.

Big Dick Dave walked over, picked up one item in each hand, and marveled at them.

“You were going to take her away over a simple vial of antibiotics and a purple?”

“She—”

“Dick. Buddy. Chief. My guy.” Big Dick Dave’s voice vibrated with manic energy. “I need you to listen to me very carefully, because you’re making a massive tactical error. A wipe-the-party-level mistake.”

Dick blinked at the total absence of fear. “What are you talking about?”

Big Dick Dave turned toward Elara. “What shop did you get these from?”

Elara tucked her chin and glanced at the glowering captain. “PNS. But I bought the medicine!”

She reached into her top and pulled out a receipt.

Everyone waited as she continued pulling out the rest of it for the next thirty seconds.

“Here! See!”

Big Dick Dave took the receipt and worked his way back to the top three inches, letting the thirty-foot-long printed store ad spill across the street.

“Yep. There it is.”

He looked at Dick and lifted his shoulders.

“All this over a purple? A tropical fruit? The girl works hard taking care of her mom on top of her own life, and you want to drag her away because she wanted to sit down and enjoy a nice, cool purple juice with breakfast?”

“She didn’t pay for it!” Dick screamed.

“I’ll pay for it.” A man at the front of the gathering crowd flipped a copper at Dick’s feet.

“Me too.” Another copper struck the ground.

“Me too.”

A shower of copper rained around the captain’s boots.

Big Dick Dave stepped into Dick’s space. Not aggressively, but with a total Hurk-level disregard for personal boundaries. He placed one heavy hand on the captain’s shoulder.

“Whatever you got going on for real, I’m gonna find out.”

“But—”

“Come on, Elara.” Big Dick Dave cut him off. “We’re going to see my boys right up here. They’ll make sure you get home okay.”

He stepped back and looked up at Gerald.

“After you, my friend.”

Gerald stepped forward aggressively and forced his large trunk effortlessly between the guards, opening a path for Elara, Bronson, Cody, and Big Dick Dave.

They left the guards behind and continued.

“Hey, Big Dick Dave?” Cody called.

“What’s up, Cody?” Big Dick Dave stopped the group and turned around.

“How is this faster than getting to Sara?”

BOOM!

An explosion shook the distance behind them.

“Landmines,” Big Dick Dave said before turning and continuing. “Tater Tot installed them in the main artery over the bridge.”

Cody cocked his head. “What? Why would he want to disrupt transit between the two shores?”

“He wants to implement pay-to-cross systems,” Big Dick Dave replied. “Frame the Kuzu people for attacks so he can justify it.”

“Holy shit.” Cody shook his head. “That hits way too close to home. Fuck.”

“What are the Kuzu going to do?” Bronson asked.

“Elara?” Big Dick Dave stopped their procession again.

Elara looked up, malnourished and gaunt but distinctly Kuzu from the sharp features of her face.

“We don’t know. We have nowhere to go.”

“Oh, bullshit.” Cody shook his head. “Come to Etokuso. Everyone is welcome.”

“Oh.” Elara lowered her chin. “I can’t. I have no…”

“There’s space for you,” Cody reassured her. “Talk to Chadwick. Tell him Cody sent you. Once he gets you settled, everything is free for residents.”

Her eyes widened. “E-everything?”

“Food. Medicine.” Cody nodded. “We believe in keeping all boats afloat.”

“My boys will get you there safely.” Big Dick Dave jerked his thumb over his shoulder toward the corner bar.

The Glizzy caravan was only now slowly crossing the bridge.

Good.

They were still good.

They followed Big Dick Dave to The Full Release. Three rugged men sat inside the open-air bar, saving Big Dick Dave’s usual stool while talking with several women.

“Boys!” Big Dick Dave nearly shouted as he rounded the corner.

The three men jumped from their seats and came over, each giving him a huge bear hug before settling back down.

“These are my boys.” Big Dick Dave pointed to each in turn. “Perfect Penis Paul, Bad Boner Bob, and Zularb: Eons Asunder.”

Everyone exchanged warm hugs and greetings.

“Hey.” Big Dick Dave broke through the introductions. “I have to go fuck some shit up over at the Cubway. But this is Bronson and Elara. Bronson needs friends, and Elara needs an escort home.”

The boys cheered and immediately agreed.

Zularb: Eons Asunder pointed toward Big Dick Dave’s saved chair.

“Bronson, buddy! Come on! You gotta try this étouffée!”

Bronson walked over and sat. The boys immediately folded him into the circle.

“I can take you whenever you’d like to go, Elara,” Perfect Penis Paul offered.

Elara smiled and blushed. “Can…can I stay for a while?”

“Hell yeah!” Bad Boner Bob pointed toward the next chair. “Eat up, girl! Get you some!”

“Awesome!” Big Dick Dave clapped and smiled. “Then we’re good. I love you guys!”

“We love you too, Big Dick Dave,” Bad Boner Bob said.

“Love you too!” Zularb: Eons Asunder called.

Perfect Penis Paul tossed a beer toward the already-running Big Dick Dave. “Love you!”

Big Dick Dave ran down the waterfront toward a grouping of ships that seemed to stretch all the way across to the opposite bank. There were significant gaps between them.

Without a word, he ran up one gangway and took barely two steps across the deck before leaping over the gap. He caught a block and tackle hanging from the rigging and swung easily toward the next vessel.

Gerald immediately turned and ran back toward the bridge.

“Nope!” he called over his shoulder. “Meet you there!”

Cody turned back. Big Dick Dave was already two boats ahead, leaving random ropes swinging in his wake.

Cody sighed.

Fuck.

He looked up. The yards of the ships were spaced almost perfectly.

He climbed and started sprinting across them, jumping the gaps but still trailing Big Dick Dave by two ships when they reached the opposite shore. Big Dick Dave did not slow as he took off to catch the Glizzys by surprise.

“Wait!”

Cody jumped from the final yard onto the dock and caught up a second later.

“What’s the plan?”

“Hit ’em hard,” Big Dick Dave said. “They don’t expect anyone to dare try anything inside Sunnydale.”

“What about Sara?” Cody asked. “I see her on the lead horse. These are raid bosses, dude.”

Sara sat behind the All-Beef Ascendant with her hands bound, surrounded by the putrid Glizzys.

“You’re right.” Big Dick Dave grinned. “That’s what makes this fun!”

He launched onto the dachshoggoth’s back with surprising agility.

Cody saw the baskets and kept running toward his next target.

Big Dick Dave jumped and Superman-punched Chorizo the Scorcher directly in his bulbous, greasy ass. Chorizo’s flame immediately sprayed across the other Glizzys.

Chaos erupted.

Sara whipped around, full of fight, and locked eyes with Cody.

“Franc!” Cody screamed. “Your kid is part pork!”

The paladin hauled on his reins and turned just as Cody launched through the air beside him and hug-tackled Sara from the horse.

“What the fuck, Cody?” Sara’s eyes widened. “They’ll kill everyone!”

“Nah!”

Big Dick Dave landed a rising knee against Franc-Furter and stunned him long enough to help Cody and Sara to their feet.

“I got you!”

“Who are—” Sara began.

“That’s Big Dick Dave!”

A wild punch flew over Sara’s head and connected with Franc as Gerald finally caught up from the bridge.

“Now let’s get outta here!”

“No, Cody!” Sara shouted as they scrambled into the alleys, each of her hands being pulled by one of them. “They will kill everyone!”

“They won’t.” Big Dick Dave led them deeper into the city. “Like the Wieners, the Glizzys don’t kill unless terms are broken. Your term was to surrender. You did it.”

“And they’re just gonna stop going after Etokuso?” Sara huffed, her hands still bound behind her back.

“Yes,” Big Dick Dave said. “They’re going to use everything they have to track you.”

“Then I can’t go home!”

“That’s why you’re coming with me.”

Big Dick Dave ducked into an alley beside the city wall. He checked every direction, then pressed a stone embedded in it.

“Come on.”

“Where are we going?” Sara asked apprehensively as Gerald snapped the bindings from her wrists.

She rubbed them.

“Can’t say,” Big Dick Dave replied. “Cody can get hold of me through Ger-bear later.”

“No.” Sara stopped. “I won’t leave my people.”

Big Dick Dave turned and looked directly into her eyes.

“Then they die.”

Silence hung between them.

“I’ll take you somewhere you can find help,” Big Dick Dave said softly. “For everything you’re facing.”

Sara looked toward Cody and Gerald. Both nodded sadly.

“Sara,” Cody said. “I love you, but you know this is right for now.”

Tears rolled freely down her cheeks.

“Okay. I love you too.”