Year 2 – Shift 12 – Mark
“The bigger the fupa, the tastier the chalupa…” Karl Axel Foley raised an eyebrow as he read Mark’s hat. “What does that mean?”
Mark’s adrenaline spiked as he looked around the room full of male drow led by a legend knockoff. “It’s just a silly thing.”
The silence was absolute.
Karl wasn’t laughing. “No. Go on. I insist. It’s clearly meant to be funny.” He folded his arms over his chest and narrowed his eye. “Make me laugh.”
Mark’s panic became absolute. He looked at Cody and Simone, who seemed equally terrified, then at Raven, who casually listened to her uncle’s conversation as though this were the most natural question in the world.
“You see…a fupa is…”
Mark stammered and stuttered, his vision narrowing to a pinprick. He was going to die here.
Then the room erupted in laughter.
He snapped out of his death trance and saw Karl Axel and the drow guffawing and slapping their knees in raucous laughter.
Raven elbowed him and chuckled. “Mark, meet the Plunderdark’s most elite meme team.”
Karl Axel Foley gave a deep, exaggerated dab. “And mercenary company!”
The drow behind him all Tebowed seriously. A flicker ran across the wall behind them, and Rick Astley appeared and started the Rickroll. They stayed exactly in position for the duration of the video. As the final note played, they all returned to their seats except Karl.
“So, what brings you here, Raven?” Karl continued as though absolutely nothing had happened, while Mark made a mental note to check his Scooby-Doo Underoos later. “I haven’t seen you since the transformation! You look murderous!”
Raven soaked it in. “Thanks. Really. But I need help.”
Karl stopped, placed his hands on her shoulders, and gave her a genuinely worried look. “What’s wrong, love?”
“There are some really bad people trying to hurt my Sara.” The words fell from Raven’s mouth with a full sob. “I…I need help!”
Karl stepped back. “Who are they?”
“It’s…a really advanced mirror party.” Raven exhaled and pointed at the Earthers. “Of Sara and of them.”
Karl cast his gaze over them. “Why them?”
“They created the whole world,” Raven spilled. “They’re smarter than anyone I’ve ever met.”
Karl snapped his attention back toward her, knowing the family she came from. “Them?”
Mark let out a visible sigh, but it didn’t go unnoticed.
“Do I disappoint you so soon, oh God?” Karl snapped toward Mark in the blink of an eye.
Mark’s adrenaline had burned out at this point, and he snapped back. “For you to look at us and discount us so easily goes against everything this Shack of the Shackless has bled and died for, doesn’t it?”
Karl Axel Foley froze, eyes wide. “How do you…”
“Again,” Mark cut him off. “Does it surprise you that an outsider knows more about your house than you?”
Every drow stood at Karl’s back.
Every drow.
Mark took a step forward, completely done. He locked eyes with Karl, took two steps to his right, lay flat across the table, and held his body completely rigid.
He remained perfectly silent.
It took about as long as his brave boner needed to disappear before an uproar of laughter erupted across the room. Seconds later, Mark’s own belly laugh caused him to drop the plank and stand.
“Holy shit, kid!” Karl couldn’t stop laughing. “Consider yourself Memin Bears royalty!”
Cody and Simone stood uncomfortably among the completely at-ease drow. Mark leaned in and gave Karl a sack tap. The other drow hit the floor laughing before Karl did.
Raven stood with her mouth completely agape as Mark pulled up his robe, squatted for a single teabag, then stood and watched the floor go awash in drow tears.
“Fat Upper Pussy Area.”
Mark stepped back as tears streamed like sprinklers.
“How?” Raven finally gasped. “How? Your timing. Your delivery. I’ve never seen a non-drow…dude, you’re not even funny.”
“Ouch.” Mark turned toward Karl. “My best friend is in some kind of sleep, and…something isn’t right. These people aren’t just threatening her. They’re threatening the world.”
Raven stepped beside Mark and looked at Karl. “That’s my Sara. Can you help us?”
Silence deafened the room, and Karl’s gaze held Raven unwaveringly for a long moment.
“The last time a Muninn asked for help, she got turned into an arachne.”
Mark absolutely died as Raven took that Deagle to the face.
“Who?” Raven shook her head and shrugged.
Mark died again as Raven swallowed the barrel first.
Karl Axel stepped forward and motioned to one of the drow mages in the room. “Check her.”
Raven held still as the mage raised both hands and touched her head. An eerie glow came from his palms as he concentrated. “This…is unusual.”
“What is it, Phallus Poon?” Karl asked as though the name were normal.
“She’s being unwritten,” Phallus responded, trying to probe deeper.
“What?” Mark interjected. “She can’t be! How? She isn’t even canon!”
“We’ve been tracking it in a few places.” Cody moved through the crowd. “The Wangs crew is on it. We don’t know much, but it’s affecting about ten people so far.”
Mark panicked. “Well…how long does she have?”
“Mark, I’m right here.” Raven shook off the mage. “I’m fine.”
“You really aren’t,” Cody said. “The worst-case example so far is too graphic for this book.”
“Then help me save Sara!” Raven pleaded, tears filling her eyes. “Before I can’t remember her anymore! Please! I love her, Uncle.”
Karl approached Raven and placed a hand on her shoulder. “I can send Beef Berg’ignon to scout them. I’m tied up politically, so I can’t spare much more than that. As for you, Raven, we need to see your uncle Stomph. You’re all welcome to hang here. You’re esteemed guests, but you can’t proceed beyond this point. I’ll take her.”
Mark sighed with relief. “Okay. We need to get back and check on Sara and everything. Is there any way we can get a teleport?”
“Absolutely.”
Before Karl finished speaking, another drow dropped a portal.
“Raven.” Mark took her hand. “Are you okay to go?”
Raven sighed. “Yeah. He’s not like Mom.”