Year 2 – Shift 2 – Simone
“The water feels so nice, babe.” Julian waded into the placid lake, holding a coffee mug just above the surface. He stopped when the water reached the stomach of his blue knit turtleneck sweater. “You should come in.”
Simone hugged her knees on a moss pad at the edge of the water. “Ew. No.”
Julian chuckled and took a sip of his favorite Larsfucks Napstercino blend. “So, what do you think Dong gains from this?”
Simone rocked and caught herself instinctively rubbing her chin again. She yanked her hand down. “Are you kidding? Everything. He saw how powerful we were, and he hit us while we were down!”
Julian waded around the water, wiping the cold foam from his perfectly manicured goatee with one bulging arm. “You are powerful, babe. He’s got 650,000 soldiers and every lord and territory on the continent. I’ve seen what Sara can do, but this feels a bit like poking the bear.”
“It’s not that we’re poking the bear,” Simone said. “It’s that we’ve developed a style that relies heavily on wild, chaotic creativity to win, and we’ve just figured out how to win.”
Julian waded in a shallow circle, sipped his ’cino, and slowly nodded as he took it in. “The abstract idea of chaotic creativity sits weird with me.”
“How so?” Simone scratched the hair behind her ear.
Julian kept his steady rhythm. “What happens when you run out of ideas?”
Simone stopped rocking and scratched that damn spot again. “What do you mean? We won’t. On top of our core four, we have a kick-ass group of people thinking and bouncing ideas off each other.”
“I don’t mean running out of literal ideas,” Julian said as he continued circling. “Of course, you could generate an endless amount.” He raised his pristine new Larsfucks holiday Saint Shattrick’s Day mug to his lips and sipped. Its minty-green base perfectly accented the painted brown splatters. “What happens when you try everything against something and nothing works?”
Simone thought. “That’s…statistically impossible, given infinite ideas.”
“Fair,” Julian replied. “I think I’m looking at a more realistic timeline, though. Those ideas take time to come up with. What are we? A few hundred?”
“Twelve hundred at the end of the week!” Simone scratched again.
“Twelve hundred people don’t last long enough for infinite ideas to find the right one when your opponent controls the air you breathe.” Julian’s pace remained undisturbed. “Dong might be a puppet, but we have no idea who that puppeteer is.”
Simone rocked and scratched at her waistline as she thought. “That’s exactly why Sara is the one choosing the best ideas to use. We only have to use one. Like with Craig.”
Julian paced for a moment, sipping his ’cino. “Beating Craig took almost a year of engineering from an entire faction of people pulled out of the dirt.”
Simone sped up her rocking and scratched. “Where is Mark? He’s supposed to be here by now.”
“Oh, I’m over here,” Mark called from somewhere nearby.
Julian swiveled and looked, but Simone spotted Mark crouching in the bushes about twenty yards away.
“What are you doing?” Simone asked as she stood on her moss pad to try to see him.
“Taking a shit,” Mark said, straining. “You have no idea how hard it is to shit with a negative Strength modifier.”
He bore down and released a weak grunt.
“Ew.” Simone shuddered.
“But he’s right,” Mark said through the strain. “We aren’t ready.”
“You’re like Sara’s biggest fan, dude.” Simone wasn’t feeling it today. “Shouldn’t you be taking our side?”
“Julian is on our side too.” Mark grunted again. “Maybe don’t be so hard on him when he’s just trying to help.”
Simone stood in a flash. “I don’t see how this is your business, Mark! Stay out of it!”
Mark finished up, pulled his lime-green tracksuit back into place, and covered it with his bright-yellow wizard robes. “And I don’t see how being a fan of Sara is yours.”
“Guys,” Julian said before taking another sip. “There is clearly some tension here, so I’m gonna go ahead and sit this one out.”
Both Simone and Mark looked at him.
“What?” Simone asked, incredulous. “You’re coming! This is our first job together. You wanted to join the team, right?”
“I do.” Julian continued circling. He sipped and looked up for the first time since entering the water, meeting Simone’s eyes. “But not like this. I’m not going to stand between you. I’ll catch up with you back at ETK.”
He continued circling for another long moment while Mark and Simone stared at him.
“I’ve got a few things to do first,” Julian added. “I’m just not heading straight back.”
Simone scratched and looked at Julian, then at Mark. “Let’s go.”
Mark nodded and started walking along the trail leading up the mountain pass just beyond the pond. Simone followed.
They walked for a while, until the ground was only a suggestion far below and Simone was sure Julian was out of earshot.
“Why are you taking his side?” Simone asked, seething.
“Why are you not?” Mark replied. “He’s your boyfriend, and he’s got a lot of really good ideas. He’s smart as hell and the former intelligence analyst for King Dong. He knows his shit.”
“Then why don’t you date him?” Simone ducked beneath a vine hanging across the path.
“He’s not my type.” Mark shrugged.
“Oh, so now I have bad taste?” Simone asked, offended.
Mark stopped in the middle of the path and turned. “Simone. What’s going on? This isn’t you.”
She stared into his eyes and scratched her inner thigh. “It is me. What happened to you?”
Mark took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “Simone…every time you’re paired with me, you do this now. You get angry and frustrated. Why?”
She stared into the face of his challenge, a knot forming in her throat. “Let’s just go.”
Simone pushed past him and started hiking with purpose.
Mark reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder.
Simone spun around so sharply that he immediately pulled it back. “No. Don’t do that.”
Mark froze. The anger drained from his face almost as quickly as it had appeared.
“You’re right.” He stepped back, leaving the path open. “I’m sorry.”
Simone stared at him, still scratching at her inner thigh.
Mark looked down at his hand. “I’m really trying to stop being who I was.”
The knot in Simone’s throat tightened. “Mark…”
“I used to follow people when they tried to walk away,” Mark said quietly. “I’d keep pushing because I thought finishing the argument mattered more than letting them breathe.”
Simone felt the familiar tickle between her eyes.
“I don’t want to do that anymore,” Mark continued. “Not to you. Not to anyone.”
She needed to say something, but nothing came.
Mark looked back at her. “You used to call me ten times a week in the middle of the night, spilling everything to me. Well…in a heavily coded way, but you did.” He swallowed. “I miss being someone you could talk to.”
The pressure inside Simone shifted. It wasn’t gone. It was just different.
“Mark…please.”
He nodded and stepped farther aside. “Okay.”
She couldn’t help it.
Simone rose onto her tiptoes, leaned in, and kissed him.
It was only a quick peck. She pulled back just as quickly, dazed, still leaning toward him and looking up at Mark.
“Simone…” Mark took a gentle step backward. “I…you have a boyfriend.”
She hung her head.
Why did she do that?
“I’m…I’m sorry. I…”
“Fuck you.”
Simone’s adrenaline shot through her, and she looked up at Mark.
His mouth wasn’t moving.
“Fuck you.”
“Who’s there?” Simone looked around. There was rocky woodland on one side and a drop-off on the other.
“Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.”
This time, it sounded like multiple voices.
“What is that?” Mark pushed up the path and around the corner. “Oh, fuck me.”
“What?” Simone ran over and looked around the bend in the path.
A large nest was filled with giant, leathery, uncircumcised old-man dicks. Each had small metal car doors for wings, sharp beaks formed from foreskin, and a single massive eye. They were in various states of rising with the sun.
“We need to—” Mark began.
CRACK!
A twig snapped beneath his clumsy foot.
The creatures rose in unison, their single cyclops eyes finding them immediately.
“Fuck you! Fuck you!” they cried, their voices bone-chilling.
“Run!” Mark charged up the path. “Teradicktals!”
Simone bolted just as the first Teradicktal’s engine roared to life and the creatures took to the sky. She passed Mark instantly and navigated the ledge ahead of him, snatching his wrist just as a heavy door swept past.
Simone yanked him forward.
Mark’s momentum was faster than his accessories. As he whipped forward, his signature ironic trucker hat—this week reading Moister than an Oyster—flew from his head and landed in the nest.
“That was fast!” Mark yelped as he dodged one of the massive frog legs protruding from where the creature’s balls would have been.
“I’m a ranger!” Simone called back.
She didn’t stop running along the rapidly narrowing trail, trying to keep Mark safe while forming a plan.
“No,” Mark called after her. “You kissed me! Where did that come from?”
The path ahead stretched around the corner, becoming so narrow that she questioned her own Dexterity. Just above them was a high, flat ledge. That was their target.
“This isn’t the time, Mark,” Simone said.
Mark curled his fingers around her wrist. “Cat’s Grace! This is exactly the fucking time!”
Energy surged through her, giving her inelven amounts of Dexterity. She scanned the patterns of their flight, released Mark, and leapt into the sky.
“Nope!” Simone shouted.
She planted her foot against a passing car door and pushed herself farther from the ledge but higher into the air. She predicted their movements so precisely that her foot found purchase on the shaft of one, then another, and another.
She used them as a dick staircase, climbing upward and launching herself toward the lead Teradicktal.
Just as Simone was about to land, one of Mark’s lightning bolts struck the creature in its door and knocked it out of her path.
Shit.
She waved her arms to regain her balance as she careened past her intended target and began falling toward the playground they had passed at the bottom of their climb.
One of the creatures dove at her, its foreskin spread wide and gnashing angrily. Simone reached out as it passed, caught the edges of its foreskin mouth, and dug in her fingers, jerking herself to a shaky, flapping stop.
The creature carried her weight and began to climb.
Her fingers slipped as it tried to close its mouth. A thick glob of smegma worked loose and fell, splattering across Simone’s face like thick cottage cheese.
She retched, trying to stifle the vomit because she was tired of vomiting so much.
Then she fell.
Simone had become accustomed to heights while practicing jumps from the canopy, but this was different. All the Teradicktals were behind her, and the flat land was just out of reach.
“Horse! Horse! Horse!” Mark yelled from far behind her.
Simone’s eyes widened as three summoned horses materialized beneath her in a perfect staircase leading toward the ledge.
The first was already beneath her foot. As soon as she pushed off, it gave a panicked neigh and dropped toward the ground.
She planted one foot on each of the next two, sending them downward as she launched herself forward.
The horses vanished in bursts of magic as they struck the ground and lost their remaining hit points.
Simone sailed the final few feet and landed firmly. Turning, she saw Mark swarmed by seven Teradicktals.
She wasted no time drawing her bow and dropping the closest two. She couldn’t get a clear shot at the others without risking Mark.
A quick scan revealed the flowers they needed for Sara’s spell components. Simone grabbed a handful, shoved them into her bag, and returned to the fight.
She looked down the wall beneath her. It was only forty feet to the lower path she had come from, but still too high to jump.
Then she saw it.
The rock wall twisted around, forming a path directly between her and Mark.
Simone quickly gathered speed, planted one foot against the wall, and began running down and across it toward Mark. With her Dexterity, it felt like running on flat ground. She maintained her momentum because gravity still felt very real, and there was still a drop-off below her.
She nocked an arrow and loosed it.
The arrow flew true and embedded itself in the eye of the largest teradicktal. It hung in place, whipping its wings around and knocking its babies from the sky.
Mark fell backward and extended both hands toward the grouped creatures. “Hellball!”
A massive sphere of ice, fire, and acid erupted from his hands, turning the group of Teradicktals into a rain of organs and goo that fell toward the playground below.
Simone finished her controlled descent and ran over to Mark. “Are you okay?”
Mark stood and dusted himself off. “Did you get the flowers?”
“Yep,” Simone replied.
“Good.” Mark straightened his robes. “Now, let’s get my damn hat and go home.”