Chapter 43.
I ate lunch alone, still lost in my sea of anxiety, moving through space like a ripple in the sea. Distracted from the present moment, watching it on TV.
“Go spend time with Galine,” Candy suggested again, insistent as she had been all morning.
“She’s working,” I mumbled.
“So? She would be happy to see you anyway,” Candy scoffed. “And maybe she is worried about the war too. She is also their friend.”
I chewed on the inside of my cheek. She… had a point. Still…
“How’s the dungeon going?” I asked instead.
“Still growing,” she replied. “I’ve had the centipedes bring it as deep as they can go. Should be plenty protected now.”
“Good,” I muttered. “Then what?”
“Then what?” Candy asked.
“Yes,” I snorted, feeling all too exasperated for no real reason. “What do we do once the core is safe?”
“We make it even more protected,” Candy answered after a moment. “And after a while, we go get the experience, level up, and use new skills to make it even more protected.”
“Okay,” I nodded. “But like… can we do more with a dungeon? Could we put contractors to work doing stuff besides guarding, or make a village a dungeon to have contractors defend it? Or what about a moving dungeon? Could we use contractors to transport stuff?”
“I… I don’t know. That’s not really how I’m supposed to do things but… I can see your point,” Candy replied slowly. “You want more than strength for strength’s sake.”
“Yeah,” I nodded, managing a smile. Candy really was getting better at personhood. “I was just thinking I wished I could have sent a dungeon with the Tavern Crew as an escort,” I sighed, “that way we could still have helped them.”
“I’m not sure how to do something like that,” Candy hummed. “You are sad; go spend time with Galine and feel better. I will puzzle dungeon things and work on the basic slime. Okay?” She tried again.
I blew out a breath. “Oh, fine,” I agreed. I did want to see Galine, just… for some reason, the thought of people felt… hard. But for once, Candy was right: I shouldn’t just stay up here cooped up; it wouldn’t do me any good.
Begrudgingly and trying to set my mopey feelings aside, I headed downstairs.
The outpost was maybe the busiest I had seen it, with a few mercenaries sitting around and chatting. Galine was behind the counter, and she gave me a big smile when she saw me.
“Hey, how’s it going?” I smiled.
“I’m alright. How are you? Galine replied with a hint of suspicion. “Frida said I should go rescue you if I hadn’t seen you by tonight. How are you really?"
I blinked in surprise before shaking my head. Of course, Frida had. Of course.
I sighed, licking my lips in search of the right thing to say. “I’m okay. Mostly worried about them. I’m not really used to… war.”
Galine nodded. “Want to keep my company?” she asked. “There's a stool around here somewhere if you want to sit.”
I opened my mouth and sighed. “Sure,” I replied weakly. Why not? What else did I have to do?
Galine indeed did find a stool somewhere in the back, and I slid onto it, sitting behind the counter despite the knot in my stomach. I needed a spa day or something, a vacation? Something to reset the anxiety which had only been building inside me.
“Are you sure you’re alright?” Galien asked, closer beside me than she really had to be. “You seem… a bit off.”
I chuckled. “I’m definitely off. Sorry. I don’t have my meds here, and one can only power through emotionally for so long before…” I trailed off, miming a plane crash with a dramatic explosion sound. “But,” I continued, trying to be positive, “better to be down here than start sulking again upstairs.”
She nodded, leaning forward on the counter. “It’s certainly good to see your face.”
That got a smile out of me. How could it not?
“Keep telling me things like that, and I really might shake off my funk,” I snorted.
“Well, it's good to see the rest of you too; I’m definitely not complaining,” Galine smirked.
I could feel myself blushing. Fuck, I was embarrassingly easy. “S-So,” I cleared my throat, “how is work going today? Anything interesting with what's going on?”
Galine seemed to consider it, flipping a braid back over her shoulder. “Not so much no. The Tavern Crew aren't the only one heading west. Which honestly makes my job easier. Though there was a very drunk guy trying to convince me the company should hire him last night, which was… something.”
I snorted, imagining it.
“Though I feel a tad sorry for all the bastards signing up for service,” she shook her head. “I don’t doubt that Lord Grosswin will be leading them right into battle. Rumour has it that the Duke of Hator insulted him at a party once. He’s been thirsting for blood ever since,” she chuckled.
I laughed. “That must have been some insult.”
“You’ve got a sense for the whims of the aristocracy,” Galine smirked. “I doubt it would have taken much.”
“Good point.” I smiled with a roll of my eyes.
“Perhaps they should have duelled instead,” Galine added excitedly.
I chuckled, “Yeah… if only world leaders sorted out their differences personally rather than sending their people into the meatgrinder of war…”
Galine gave me a funny look. “You really are in a funk.”
“Sorry,” I sighed. “It’s just all caught me off guard. I’ve never been under attack before, I guess. All the military things that my country did on earth usually involved either sending troops across the ocean or just launching missiles and dropping bombs. And half the time they weren't even officially ‘at war.’ Or proxy wars and coups, the CIA is a big fan of those,” I hummed.
Galine stared at me. “That sounds… concerning.”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “We weren't great. Actually pretty bad around the time I died. Though given the fact I’ve yet to encounter any kind of health insurance in this world, maybe I should focus on the bright side.”
“How does one ensure health?” Galine snorted.
“No, no, insure,” I corrected. “Essentially, you pay a massive corporation every month so that if you get sick, they will maybe pay for treatments, even though they have every incentive not to actually give you any money. It was a total fucking nightmare. Most countries just funded healthcare through taxes. Maybe not so great if you were a billionaire, but proportionally better and cheaper for everyone.”
Galine just stared at me. “What happens if you can't afford treatment?”
“Then you suffered and died.” I shrugged.
“And no one would help you?” She frowned.
“Ah,” I sighed. “Remind me to explain to you the individualism of neoliberal capitalism another time. I fear that would only make my funk worse,” I chuckled.
“Alright,” Galine nodded. “So… how's the dungeon going?” She changed the topic, which I was grateful for.
“Uh, good.” I nodded, drumming my fingers on the counter. “I guess we're just trying to figure out where to go from here. Getting stronger is great and all, but there needs to be some use for it all. Plus just with skills and stuff, Candy and I are trying to puzzle some things out.”
She hummed. “And… how are things going with Candy?”
I smiled. “They’re good; we had a nice talk yesterday. Trying to… work through things a bit.”
She smiled. “I’m glad to hear it. You were in a bit of a mood after our picnic; I was worried.”
I sighed, feeling guilty. “I’m sorry. I do try not to be so mopey, but… my brain just kinda hates me sometimes.”
“Are you… unwell?” She frowned, concerned.
“No, no, I’m fine,” I reassured. “Probably. I mean, I don’t know, but it’s not unusual. I’m honestly shocked at how well I’ve been handling everything so far. Usually I can ignore the existential horror of it all, but sometimes absurdity easily slides into nihilism, y’know?”
Galine nodded. “Not really,” she said despite it.
“Right, of course,” I nodded apologetically. “Okay, so both are philosophical stances on the nature of life. Nihilism asserts that life has no objective meaning, purpose, or intrinsic value. Absurdism is a weirdly more positive version of that, almost. It says we live in an irrational and meaningless world, and the human-oid search for meaning is what creates this existential conflict. Either you give into nihalism and just kill yourself because why not, or you embrace the absurdity of the world and just go along for the horrid, chaotic and beautiful ride.”
Galine just stared at me wide-eyed. “That's miserable.”
“Yeah. Sorry, I’m not explaining it super well,” I groaned. “Ugh, I wish I had my books. Look,” I sighed, “I try to roll with the punches, and it doesn’t always work, or sometimes I get hit with a really comically hard punch. Does that make more sense?”
Galine chuckled. “Sure, I think so.”
I took her hand and squeezed it gently. “I’m okay, really. I’m just… having a bad few days or something. But you’ve certainly been the highlight of them,” I added genuinely.
Galine shook her head with a smile. “You’re lucky your extravagance is oddly charming.”
I blinked innocently. “Whatever do you mean?”
“Do you want to come over after I’m done here?” Galien asked after a moment. “That way you won't be able to mope about upstairs. I’m happy to distract you.”
I smiled, grateful for the offer yet worried I was being too much. Still, I didn’t really want to go back to moping about upstairs alone. And she wouldn’t have offered it if she hadn’t been sincere.
“Yeah,” I nodded. “I’d like that.”