Chapter 41.
The next batch of slimes was just as uncomfortable as slippery and short-lived as the first. I dropped by downstairs to cash out my 45 pence again and also to say good morning to Galine, who, as always, was busy at work.
The Tavern Crew was still enjoying their spoils, heatedly debating over what should be done next. Potential jobs and quests, Petven seemed keen on some downtime, and Frida was trying to stay busy to avoid going back to the nunnery. It was a heated discussion, quite impossible to tune out.
That left me in search of somewhere to be alone. Candy and I needed to talk. About what? I wasn’t even sure.
About feelings. About the knot in my stomach that our situation never failed to reinforce. [Symbiogenesis] was a joke; we could not be less “strongly bonded.” How we had even achieved such a title seemed like a strange glitch given the circumstances.
I didn’t want to get rid of Candy, but living with her made me feel ill. And if we didn’t find a way to talk things through, then I… I didn’t even know. Somehow, I had to forgive and be able to trust her, because if not, I couldn’t feel safe in my own body.
Strangely, the need for solitude brought me beyond the walls. Not remotely near any kind of wilderness, but just outside the gate, where I could walk along the wall and the various trenches that surrounded it.
Like most days this summer, it was gorgeous. Cloudy and dimmer than others, but with fresh air and a breeze that ruffled my hair.
“Candy?” I asked, kicking at a rock lodged in the dirt.
“I’m here,” she replied weakly.
Where else would she be? I took a breath but came up empty. What was there even to say? I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know the words that would fix this amorphous bad feeling that seemed to cloud over everything.
“I’m sorry,” Candy said. “I’ve been watching and learning. I didn’t treat you the way you treat the people you care about. That was bad,” she summarized succinctly.
“I know you’re getting better, you are getting better,” I clarified. “You’ve already changed,” I shook my head, trying to find the words, “but I just keep thinking how long until I get hurt again because of you?”
Candy was silent for a moment. “Probably sooner rather than later. I am not good at people things. But it won't be because I am trying to,” she quickly clarified. “I don’t want to hurt you. I want you to like me. I want Galine to like me. But I think she hates me.”
It wasn’t reassuring, but it was honest. And that had its own kind of reassurance. “She might,” I agreed.
“How do I make people… not hate me?”
“I’m not sure people even have that figured out. Redemption, forgiveness… It's messy,” I replied with a grimace. “There's a reason in stories that self-sacrifice is done to redeem a bad character; it’s easier than having them live with the consequences.”
“But I was not trying to be bad, I was just being a slime,” Candy protested. “It’s not fair that now I am a person and people are still angry with me. I just want to grow strong, and make pretty dungeons, and maybe kiss Galine more.”
I couldn’t help but snort. “It’s not about fairness, Candy. And practically, a grand philosophical debate about free will and culpability doesn’t really help anything. I know you’re different, and on one hand, that might just be because your well-being is mine, but I do believe you when you say you want to be better.”
“I do!” Candy protested.
“I know, I believe you,” I reassured. “But emotions aren't rational, nor should they be, but anyway… Where I’m from, humans evolved like every other animal, and one big skill that let us become as prominent as we did was our ability to learn and adapt. And due to language, that became communal.”
“Okay?” she asked, confused.
I paused my pacing to try to think of a clearer explanation. “If your cousin went into a cave and never came back, you’re probably never going to go into that cave. Or if you got attacked by a bear defending her cub, you’re going to stay far away from bears in the future. The bear isn’t evil, the cave is just a cave, but regardless, someone got hurt, and that affects,” I chewed on my lip, the words almost coming out of their own volition. “I got attacked by a slime who was terrible to me, and you could not be more different now, but I think every cell in my body is desperate to stay as far away from slimes as possible. It’s a matter of survival, and I’m still scared,” I finished, my voice cracking slightly.
“I’m sorry,” Candy said weakly. “How do… how do I help?”
I crouched down, tracing shapes in the dirt with a finger. I didn’t have any answers; if I had answers, we wouldn’t be in this situation. “I’m not sure.”
“Okay,” Candy replied slowly. “But if I can just say so, or if you need Pamela time, that's okay too. I don’t want you to be scared of me. We are stronger together.”
“Thanks,” I nodded. And it was true. I wouldn’t have gained [Dangersense] without us working together. We were literally stronger together; we both had our specialties and made up for each other’s weaknesses. Still, I hadn’t thought it would be so… invasive.
Which, to some extent, I only had myself to blame for accepting [Symbiosis], yet at the same time, I hadn’t thought we would literally become a single entity. And with Candy permeating my body, I wasn’t sure there was anywhere she ended, and I began. Hell, her entire consciousness was based upon mine.
On one hand, we were very different; on the other non-existent hand, we were one and the same. And that just made me feel like I was going crazy.
Maybe it was just because everything was internal. I didn’t have a venom-like symbiote; I was the suit for a thing inhabiting my body. Things had a way of not turning out the way I had expected, but there was an underlying current to my life now that I couldn’t entirely escape.
Galine wasn’t entirely right; Candy was less an abusive partner at this point than she was a series of chaotic, intrusive thoughts. Except thoughts from another inescapable consciousness. It was like something out of that Malignant movie.
“I don’t know how scared I really am,” I continued, the silence having stretched on. “I’m sorry… I… I don’t even really know what's wrong. I think maybe having a voice inside my head is driving me a little crazy.”
“I promise I’m real,” Candy offered, confused.
“No, I know,” I laughed. “And it’s probably too much to ask for a skill to split us up. But I don’t know. I feel like this would be easier if you were more than just a voice in my head. Like um… You have my memories, like venom or something.”
Candy was quiet for a moment. “You want me to turn into a scary costume that eats brains so you can be a superhero?”
“No,” I sighed. “I just mean… I feel like we’ve only ever texted. Does that make sense?”
“Not remotely,” Candy huffed. “I am talking to you. Texting requires writing.”
“I know,” I rolled my eyes. “And I know you can’t leave my body, but I really feel like so much of this would be easier if we could have the occasional face-to-face conversation.”
“I… don’t know how to do that, Pamela,” Candy replied. “But,” she added optimistically, “we slimes are malleable if nothing else. And Symbiotic Dyad is a path for the both of us. Maybe growing stronger will give us more options?”
“Maybe,” I agreed, trying to be hopeful. “Anyway, I feel like this chat was kinda pointless. I’m sorry to have made it a whole thing,” I muttered.
“No,” Candy replied adamantly. “Talking when things are bothering them is what friends do.”
I smiled. “True,” I chuckled. “And… I do feel a bit better,” I added, standing up and stretching my back with a groan.
“I really am sorry for how this all started out. I wish I had known better,” Candy sighed.
“I know,” I nodded, “thank you though.”
“Can um… can we start growing more slimes now?” Candy asked after a moment.
That made me pause. I assumed she already would have. But she had waited for my sake. I let out a breath, releasing some of the tension that had been building… everywhere. “Sure,” I agreed. “Maybe a basic blue slime this time? I’m kinda curious as to what can be done with slimes beyond selling their cores.”
“Oh, yay!” Candy cheered. “Oh, so much, Pamela. This is going to be delightful!”
I shook my head with exasperation, but I was happy. I really did feel better as I headed back into Agocester.
A faint ringing of bells echoed in the distance.
That had never happened before. I scrambled back towards the gate.