Idol Gunner [Yuri Villainess LitRPG]

It was at twelve in the night that Kana had reached the hospital, having snuck out of the training center as soon as the lights turned off. Those last couple of hours, where her only option was to stay locked in her room and have one panic attack after another, she had mentally blacked out.

Her brain been screaming at her, spewing one insult after another. Every pointed or blunt object in the room was like another invitation. Another call to pick it up and try, at the very least, to teach herself the lesson she needed to learn so desperately. The only thing that stopped her was even more hatred. The hatred for Akiko Hara. She had reminded herself of that woman, and somehow battled through those few hours.

But now that she was out of the danger zone, it felt worse. Pushing past the stragglers who were still waiting for news, or the nurses who were rushing from one room to another, she reached the fourth floor, where Keiko had been admitted. The constant sterile buzz of the white lights in the white corridors overwhelmed her, stopped her from pressing the handle and opening the door.

She gulped, hoping that she was fine. Hoping, somewhere, that she hadn’t woken up yet. Kana could write a message about how she did come to meet her, but had no time to stay. How, because Keiko had been asleep, she didn’t get the chance to apologize. She could neatly wrap it all up in a letter and then leave. That would be so much easier. Standing there, hand on handle, she felt afraid to even open the door.

“Kana?”

The very second her mother called her name, she was jolted awake. Looking at the woman, who was holding a freshly-filled bottle of water in her hands, Kana felt a scream building up in her stomach. Gulping it all down, she pushed open the door and locked it behind her.

She stayed there for a second, keeping the handle pressed in case her mother tried to get in. But she didn’t. Nobody tried to open the door or begged her not to lock it. Her hand slipped off the handle, brushing against the inconspicuous hoodie and sweatpants she had on. She had just borrowed them from the girl in the opposite room. Or, at this point, stolen. The borrowing had taken place months ago.

“Sis?”

A second tug in her heart. Her gag reflex activated, and she held the wall for support, hoping it didn’t lead to any vomiting. It would only infect the room and make it worse. A deep breath, and then another; she calmed herself down. No matter how much she prepared, though, meeting her would not be any easier. Nothing could erase the guilt she felt for having abandoned her younger sister like this.

“Are you even allowed to be here?”

“Shut the fuck up. What do you want me to do? Leave?”

Keiko laughed, but that soon turned into a wince. That caused Kana to turn in an instant. She walked over to the girl’s side and sat down on the chair beside her. The idiot had pulled her hand by laughing too hard, and some of the bandages had come loose. Kana grabbed her hand and started to put them back in place one at a time.

“Sorry.” Keiko mumbled, smiling while she said it, for some reason.

“Shut up.”

“I don’t know why I did it. I just…did it. I didn’t mean it, I swear. I would never do something like this…”

“You’re the one on the bed, and I’m the one on the chair. Stop lying, it’s disgusting. You already went and slit your wrist, so stop acting like you didn’t want to do it. Do you think it’s easy to go through with something like that?”

“Well, I am being honest, though? Looking back at it, I don’t think I wanted to do it.”

“Looking back at it?” Kana tightened the final bandage and put her hand back on the bed with a smack, “Guess what? Everyone can look back at it and say that it wasn’t worth it. Point still stands. You want to have your cake and eat it too.”

“Alright, fine. I am not sorry. If I had the chance, then I would do it again. I just failed by fluke.”

“No. You slit your wrist. You don’t fail that by fluke. It’s a well-known method. You think you can just fail something like that? You’re breathing because the old hag brought you here on time.”

“Mom didn’t bring me here. The teachers did. I was in school.”

“You tried to kill yourself at school? Are you stupid? What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you sure you’ve got the same genes as me? Where did you even come from, huh!?”

Keiko started laughing once more, this time mixed with some tears. Kana put her hand on the bandages to make sure they didn’t come off. It would be a pain in the ass if she had to put them all back on again. Once had been more than enough tedium for the whole day. Thankfully, her sister stopped soon, and she let go of her hand.

“I was just…tired.”

“I know.” Kana was the one whispering this time, “I know very well. That’s all you need to say. Stop talking about how you didn’t mean it or how you would do it again. You did it. Now own it. Its nothing wrong. At least…you didn’t kill someone else, right?”

“Why? Isn’t it worse to kill yourself than to kill someone else?”

“What fucking idiot said that?” She scoffed, “Stupid bitch. Of course, it’s worse to kill someone else. If you do it to yourself, then you just gave up on trying, right? You stopped fighting back because it got too exhausting. If you do it to someone else, they didn’t even ask for it. What if they weren’t tired? What if they weren’t even fighting back? They could just be chilling at their house.”

“So, if I kill someone who is also depressed, that works?”

“Isn’t that just seppuku?”

“I’ll do it without their permission.”

“Then it’s a philosophical debate about mercy killing. Point is, shut up. I don’t have time for all of this.”

Once more, she laughed. Kana held the bandages. It was getting annoying to keep repeating the pattern, so she just kept her hand there. Maybe Keiko wouldn’t laugh again at all, but if she did, then Kana would be prepared.

As for the little argument that they had stumbled upon, she had no wish to continue talking about that either. She was just going to default to whatever answer made Akiko Hara look like a worse person, so it didn’t really count. Keiko, on the other hand, seemed to have been completely entranced by the mere thought of having a discussion like this with her sister.

“So, if I made you kill me right now, it wouldn’t count?”

“Shut up! Stop speaking nonsense.”

Keiko sighed and lay down, resting her head on the pillow as she looked blankly at the ceiling, “That’s what you’ll do when you leave the room anyway. So, I guess you have no choice. You got out yourself. That’s nice. I’m sorry I was so angry about it. I didn’t mean to be.”

“Yeah, right. There you go again with your lies. Stop it already. Stop trying to act like you didn’t mean something you said. We think a million times before saying something. Of course, you meant it. And of course, you deserved to say it all. I didn’t tell you anything and left on my own. That was selfish of me.”

“But I don’t want to be an idol. Even if you wanted me to come along, the answer would be no.”

“Maybe so. I could have asked, at least.”

“Then, I would have said no to your face. Would that have made it better when you came to meet me today? Knowing that you couldn’t have changed the outcome either way?”

“That’s just a hypothetical. Who cares about those? We’ll never know how I would actually react in a situation like that. What we say doesn’t matter.”

“So, thinking about that concept would be like seppuku?”

Kana’s brain was starting to melt. Just because she was the one who started this conversation did not mean she was keeping up with it. Sometimes, she forgot that Keiko always got straight A’s in school. The girl was far too smart for her older sister to comprehend. But she couldn’t just appear smaller in front of her, so she lightly punched the girl in the head.

“No talking about all that anymore. And since you’re clearly fine, I’m leaving. I didn’t tell anyone I was coming here, so I’m gonna get into trouble if I go back too late.”

“No! Please, please? Not so quickly!” She complained, crying, “Just a little bit more?”

Kana sighed, “Who do you think I am? Your emotional support dog? Huh? You just want me to get into trouble, don’t you?”

“Of course not! I just want to tell you so many things. Just another half an hour. Pl-”

_____________

“Kana…?” Jina shook her awake, and her eyes fluttered open.

They had reached the apartment. Yamazaki was in the front, looking back at her with a soft smile. She felt a warm comfort in her heart. When had all of this become so? Sitting up, she got out of the car and kept her hand on the door.

“Yamazaki-san.”

He rolled the window down as soon as she took his name, so she closed the door and leaned in through there.

“Tomorrow, I will stay at home with Emi. Could you tell them that I will not be coming in? I don’t…want to talk to anyone.”

“I can do that, but…” The manager’s voice drifted off, as if he suddenly realized something, “Kitamura-san is not in the apartment. Sakai-san has revoked her permission to come in tonight.”

“What?”

How could he? Why tonight? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

She looked at the building that she was currently in and started walking. Fine, then. She would get Emi herself. Kana didn’t need permission to talk to her right now. What was wrong with Ryu Sakai’s brain, anyway?

The car opened and closed in the background. A pattering of feet followed her, but she didn’t care. The entire time, she had tried to process it. She had tried to go through every conversation she ever had on the topic of murder, and it still didn’t change. Kana looked at her hands, and they were back to trembling uncontrollably. It wasn’t going away. Nothing made a difference.

The guards in front of the building stood up as she approached. One of them put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a phone. At least the glass doors were open. She could see a dim light in the lobby with the elevator. Kana was feeling it right now. She was feeling tired. She needed Emi. Really, really, really needed Emi. Every time she closed her eyes and didn’t force herself to think of something else, Rie Rin’s face popped up in her mind.

She had…killed her. There was no two ways about it. Kana had killed her because she did all this. She had led to the girl’s death. It was obvious. Anyone could see it. Kelsey hadn’t even looked in her direction, because she already knew that Kana was going to pay. What was the price you paid for killing someone? For killing someone…who should not have died?

If only, in her final moments, she had not tried to protect her friend. If only she had been another selfish bitch who only cared about herself.

Kana pressed past the guards and opened the doors. The moment she did, the LED panel controlling the elevator went offline. She pressed it, but nothing changed. They had turned it off. They had turned it off because she had come in. Fine. She didn’t need the elevator anyway. She burst open the double doors leading to the main stairwell and started climbing up.

Her stomach churned. There was that feeling again. Her gag reflux making her want to throw up. Kana ignored it. Everything would be fine when she met Emi again. She just wanted to see the girl. A simple hug would do, even. She had earned that much, at least. If she got that, she wouldn’t be so tired anymore. She could rest in Emi’s arms and forget about everything.

“Kana! Stop!”

A voice rang out from the bottom of the staircases. She ignored it and kept walking.

Kana put a hand on her head. It wouldn’t stop hurting. It was throbbing, pressing against her skull as if it was about to explode in. Rie Rin, again, appeared in front of her. Tears never escaped her ducts. She held them back. They would only make her weak. Make her pathetic. She just needed Emi, and it would be fine.

Her phone started to buzz. Excited, expecting it to be someone good, she took it out. Just Sakai. She put it back and ignored it, too. Beside her, through the wall, she could hear machinery whirring. Levers pulling and motors rotating. Kana kept walking. Where was she now? What floor? What floor was Emi even on?

She had never asked. She had never cared enough to ask.

The door on the floor above her opened, and Jina stepped in, panting. She looked down at her, bending down to catch her breath. Kana tried to keep moving, but she blocked the way with her hands.

“Kana, it’s ok. Just…stop.”

“Move. I want to see her.”

“You’ll just put her in more trouble, alright? Stop while you can. Please. You don’t want to do this.”

“Jina, move. Get your hand out.”

“No.”

The blunt admission finally made her look up at Jina in the eye. She wanted to be angry. She wanted to tell this bitch to get out of her way and leave her alone. But how could she do that when she was being looked at with such concern? How could she do that, when she had just killed someone?

So, she turned. But the moment she turned, Yamazaki had already reached the other side of the stairs. He held his hands up and whispered, “Minami-san. Please calm down. Come with us downstairs, and I’ll make sure Sakai does not do anything in retaliation.”

“I…”

“Kana,” Jina put a hand on her shoulder, “it’s not your fault. It was that Lizard’s fault, alright? That is what killed her. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Shut up.”

“Minami-san, please step down right now, or we won’t be able to do anything about this. Now is not the time to get Sakai angry.”

“Fuck Sakai.”

“Yeah.” Jina nodded, slowly pushing her down the stairs. She went with it. Her limbs had no strength to fight back against anyone right now. She could see Rie Rin right now, standing right beside Yamazaki. How long would it take before she disappeared? Would Kana need to stop? Would she go away if Kana quit, too?

But then what did that mean for Keiko? What did that mean for Akiko Hara? Her hand moved to Jina’s, and she held it right. Jina smiled and kept leading her downwards. That feeling in her gut returned. She pushed it down once more. She didn’t want to throw up. She didn’t need to…

Yamazaki put his hand forward and grabbed hers. Led by both of them, she quietly walked back down the stairs. Besides all three of them, walked RiRi. Her brain was a haze. The feeling didn’t go away, no matter what she did. She needed to open her mouth, and her body was forcing it. Squeezing Yamazaki’s hand, the pain in her stomach grew exponentially.

There was no stopping it. She looked at RiRi and then at the manager. Behind her, Jina kept whispering how it was going to be alright. And then, her control broke. Without any big announcement or particularly potent trigger. It just broke. Her mouth opened, and the rest of her body moved on its own.

The only thing that escaped was a loud, blood-curdling scream accompanied by a stream of uncontrollable tears.