Chapter 43: Occupational Hazards and the Sanctity of the Mop
The first thing Mordecai felt wasn’t the call of destiny, nor the thrill of a new quest. It was a rhythmic, damp sensation against his left shoulder.
Drip. Drip. Drip.
He opened one eye. The ceiling of his room at Fort Blackston was still the same—gray, oppressive, and currently flickering with a series of passive-aggressive system notifications he had muted the night before. But the weight on his chest was new. And warm.
He looked down and immediately felt his soul try to leave his body through his ears.
Jeanette—or rather, Jean, his former best friend, now a demon alchemist and professional liability—was sprawled across him like a starfish with a drinking problem.
Her hair, usually kept in a practical ponytail, was a chaotic bird’s nest of dark strands that smelled faintly of cheap tavern ale and gunpowder. Her mouth was slightly open, and a steady stream of drool was migrating from her lip to Mordecai’s collarbone.
One of her legs was hooked over his hip, pinning him down with the surprising strength of a high-level warrior.
“I’m straight… I’m straight…” Jeanette drifted in her sleep, her voice a raspy mumble. She snuggled closer, rubbing her cheek against Mordecai’s pectoral. “This is all for him… just a job… Ah, K-Kaito… don’t touch me there… that’s where my wallet is… Mhh~ you naughty boy...” Her grip around him tightened a bit, to the point where Mordecai was about to lose his ability to breathe.
Mordecai’s face remained a mask of stone, but internally, his brain was screaming in 440V.
'This is a workplace violation,' he thought, his heart rate spiking not from romance, but from pure, unadulterated annoyance. 'I am literally being used as a body-pillow by a man trapped in the body of a demon girl. This is the ultimate short circuit.'
He remembered the System’s attempts the night before to mercify his inner pain. The fake rain, the sad music, the flickering red icons, the forced "Intimacy Quests," and the constant pop-ups suggesting that "Shared Trauma leads to Shared Sheets."
He carefully tried to slide out from under her, only to realize something horrifying. The air in the room felt… colder than usual. He looked under the blanket.
He was buck-naked.
[SYSTEM ADMIN NOTIFICATION: Aww, look at you! The System attempted to facilitate a 'Vanilla Healing Sex Scene' between the Hero and his Childhood Friend to boost morale and engagement! However, due to a 'Category 5 Ego Defense' from Participant B (Jeanette), the event was aborted mid-way. You’re welcome for the free laundry service, though!]"You absolute piece of garbage," Mordecai whispered to the empty air, his voice trembling with a mix of disgust and corporate rage.
Apparently, the System had stripped them both during their sleep to "set the stage," but Jean’s subconscious—stubbornly clinging to his heterosexuality like a drowning man to a plank—had refused to cooperate, leaving them in this awkward, half-clothed stalemate.
With the surgical precision of an electrician working on a live fuse box, Mordecai disentangled himself. He replaced his body with a long, cylindrical pillow, which Jeanette immediately hugged with a grunt of "Yeah… keep the change, buddy."
He stood up, his pale, scarred body shivering. He didn't look at her. He didn't think about the logistics. He simply reached for his Black Cloak—the one with the high collar and too many belts—and wrapped himself in his professional identity.
He didn't even ask his system to generate new clothes. It seemed like his body remembered the wake-up-dress-work habit.
'I wonder what's gonna happen today.' He thought, while looking at Jeanette, who was still sleeping and clinging tighter to the pillow.
"Mmhh~ yeah... just like that..." she whispered while tilting her neck to the side.
'What the f*ck is she dreaming?' He sighed.
After that, he decided to go back to work.
A new day at the Ravenloft Holdings had started, but Mordecai had the feeling that something had changed.
The hallways of Ravenloft Holdings were bustling with the kind of efficient, terrifying energy that Mordecai loved. He walked with his hands behind his back, his cloak billowing behind him like a cloud of smog.
His first stop was the "Emotional Support Wing," a repurposed torture chamber.
Inside, Luketto, the massive Golem who had spent the last period in a state of existential dread, was sitting on a very reinforced stool. Opposite him sat a man in a tweed suit with a goat’s head, holding a clipboard. A name was floating on top of his head: Rogbal, the Dark Lord from the Catacombs.
Another system window then appeared next to his name when Mordecai saw him.
[SYSTEM INFORMATION][ROGBAL, THE DARK LORD]
[JOB: OBSCURE DARK HYPNO MAGICIAN, DEATH BY CONTRACT HARAKIRI DURING THE ALDMAX ERA]
[DEATH CAUSE: SIR GALADRON'S SONGS WERE TOO ANNOYING FOR HIS EARS. THAT'S WHY HE TOOK HIS OWN LIFE BY SIGNING A CONTRACT WITH UGO.]
[NOW SPECIAL PSYCHOLOGIST OF THE HUMAN RESOURCES AT RAVENLOFT HOLDINGS]
"And how does 'being a rock' make you feel, Luketto?" the goat-man asked, scribbling notes.
"Useless," Luketto rumbled, his voice like grinding tectonic plates. "I was born to block paths and to be killed by starter adventurers. My life was a constant bad loop until I've met our leader, but now I feel like I have no purpose. I feel like I am just… gravel in the wind."
"Why is that?" Rogbal asked.
"Boss never uses me. I'm wondering if I'm still useful to him." Luketto said, while a pebble fell from his right eye.
"Ah, you'll surely be of use. You're the sneaky golem in his pocket. He's probably gonna use you as his special card."
"Ugo," Mordecai said, looking at the floating eye hovering near the ceiling. "Report."
"Ah, My Leader!" Ugo chirped, his optic nerve twitching with excitement. "Psychological intervention is at 45% success. The 'Depressed Golem' debuff is recalcitrant, but the therapist I summoned from the Abyssal HR Department is confident. We’re working on a 'Self-Actualization through Structural Integrity' program."
"Good," Mordecai grunted. "A depressed tank is a liability. If he doesn't improve, pivot his role to 'Landscaping.' At least he’ll be productive while he sulks."
After that, Mordecai moved on to the main courtyard.
Pyroas, the Secretary of Flame, was standing on a balcony, her whip cracking in the air like a gunshot. Below her, Sir Aric and his band of "rehabilitated" knights were scrubbing the flagstones with toothbrushes.
"Faster, you pathetic buckets of rust!" Pyroas screamed, her eyes glowing with a manic, bureaucratic fervor. "If I see a single speck of dust, I will audit your souls! This is a Grade-A Facility! Efficiency is God! Documentation is King!"
Sir Aric looked up, tears streaming down his face. "Please… I was a Paladin of the Sun… I was meant to slay dragons…"
"And now you're slaying grime!" Pyroas retorted. "Log it in your daily report or you don't get your 15-minute lunch break!"
Mordecai nodded approvingly. Pyroas had transitioned from a useless Tsundere to a Middle Manager with terrifying ease. It was beautiful.
He reached the reception desk, where Niel was sitting behind a mountain of parchment. She looked like she wanted to die, her blonde hair messy and her "Receptionist" uniform slightly wrinkled.
"Any walk-ins?" Mordecai asked.
Niel's elf ear twitched as soon as she heard her master's voice.
"Just a group of goblins looking for a union representative," Niel sighed, not even looking up. "I told them we don't recognize unions, only 'Performance-Based Life Extensions.' Also, Cassandra is in the back, screaming at Ugo again."
Mordecai followed the sound of shouting to the Central Command Room and saw something... unusual.
Ugo was there, wearing a SWAT vest, and he was arguing with nothing more than Cassandra.
"It’s a breach of protocol!" Cassandra was yelling, her formal clotes flaring. "Ugo, you idiot! Larry is too efficient! He’s sanitized the entire outer perimeter of the Third Dungeon! He’s left the floor so clean that the moonlight reflects off it. The local scouts saw it! They think there’s a 'Divine Presence' in the cave because it doesn't smell like bat guano anymore!"
"Cleanliness is next to Godliness, and Godliness is a high-value marketing asset!" Ugo argued back.
Mordecai cleared his throat. Both stopped.
"The issue," Mordecai said, his voice cold, "is not the cleaning. It’s the visibility. Larry’s 'Sanitization' protocols are non-negotiable, but we need to apply 'Visual Obfuscation' filters. We are a shadow corporation, not a Hilton."
Before Ugo could respond, a massive, golden screen materialized in front of Mordecai’s face. The music was heroic, bombastic, and deeply annoying.
[WORLD ALERT: CRIMES AGAINST PURITY!]Mordecai stared at the screen. He thought about the hug in the Guild. He thought about the logic-defying drama of this world.[The Adventurer known as 'KAITOYAMA' is now the MOST WANTED man in the Kingdom of Aethelgard! Charge: Violation of the Purity of the Holy Saintess Lucy. Effect: The Saintess is currently in a state of 'Severe Mental Trauma' and has locked herself in the Ivory Palace, refusing to perform blessings until the 'Defiler' is brought to justice. Mission: The Hero Nick has been granted the 'Avenging Lover' Buff (+50% Attack Speed, +100% Main Character Energy) and is on a Special Quest to hunt down Kaitoyama!]
"What a pain," he sighed, rubbing his temples. "The system forced me to embrace the saintess for 'content,' and the NPCs of this world interpret it as 'Violating her Purity.' I swear, the writers of this reality have never spoken to a woman in their lives."
"My leader," Ugo whispered, "Nick is moving. And he's not coming for us directly yet. He’s… he’s tilted."
Another notification popped up, this one smaller and blood-red.
[SPOILER WARNING: The Hero Nick, fueled by 'Incels-Rage,' has decided to 'Purge the Filth' of the world to prove his worth to Lucy. He is heading to the nearby dungeons to 'Soil' them with the blood of thousands and farm EXP at an accelerated rate. He intends to go beyond level limits by the weekend!]"He wants to soil my dungeons?" Mordecai’s eyes narrowed. "He wants to leave monster guts and unwashed hero-sweat all over my polished floors? In my economy?"
He turned to the corner of the room, where a tall, slender figure in a pristine janitor’s outfit stood perfectly still, holding a mop as if it were a holy relic.
Clack Clack Clack
The main character finally appeared, wearing a new uniform and carrying a bag full of clean spoons.
He also had a name tag.
"Larry," Mordecai said. "Come here."
The skeleton moved his head towards his boss and tilted his skull. A faint, ghostly clink came from his jaw.
Then, he gave a thumbs up 👍, and walked towards his boss, like a child greeting his parent.
"Clack Clack Clack," He walked.
"Nick is heading for the remaining 'Dirty' zones. He thinks he can farm there. I want you to initiate an 'Extreme Tactical Sanitization.' I want those dungeons so clean that a virus couldn't survive on the walls, let alone a monster for him to kill."
Mordecai then summoned a map, crossed the place on it with a freshly summoned pen, and showed it to Larry, forgetting that he was still a skeleton and not a human being.
"Target: The Caverns of Wailing and The Crypt of Putrid Whispers. Go now. Leave nothing but the scent of pine and the crushing weight of a sterile environment. If Nick finds so much as a single slime to kill for 1 EXP, I’m docking your cleaning supplies budget."
Larry scratched his head and remained still for some instants, leaving the whole place in a loud silence.
Scrik Scrik
"Uhm... Larry? What's wrong?" Mordecai asked.
In that moment, Ugo spoke.
"My Leader, Larry doesn't know how to read a map. I'll ask for permission to guide him." Ugo said, bowing to him.
"Okay. Call him back if the situation is gonna get dangerous." Mordecai said.
"As you wish, My Leader." Ugo said.
Then, Mordecai looked at Larry, who was still holding his mop.
He put a hand over his bone shoulder and spoke. "I trust you, Larry."
In that moment, Larry’s eye sockets flared with a terrifying, blue flame. He didn't speak—he didn't need to. He started vibrating, probably happy that his master said that he trusted him.
Then, Larry took some steps back and gave a thumbs up 👍 to his master.
After that, he spun his mop with the speed of a helicopter blade and vanished into a portal of pure, soapy energy. Ugo disappeared soon after him.
Mordecai looked at the screen, a dark, predatory smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.
"You want to play Hero, Nick? Fine. Let's see how much EXP you get from fighting a floor that's been waxed to a mirror finish. Welcome to the world of Malicious Maintenance."
The cliffhanger hung in the air, thick with the scent of lemon-scented floor cleaner and impending doom.
Then, Mordecai looked at Cassandra, who was staying silent.
"Cassandra." He spoke, his voice dropping an octave.
"Y-Yes, My Liege? Is there something I can do for you?" She said, while a neon blue blush appeared on her face.
"Yes. Come into my office. We need a private talk." He said.
And in that moment, the iron banshee's mind started to race with a million different thoughts.