Dark Explorations

(Sofia POV)

I watched as the digital clock on my phone hit midnight once again. Normally this was not an exceedingly interesting event that I would dedicate my thoughts to. The reason tonight was different was the bags I felt beneath my eyes and the ache my eyelids had when I kept them closed. I wanted nothing more than to get some sleep after last night. I had found myself nonconsensually pulling an all nighter for the second time this week and it was starting to take its toll on me. The reason was the same as the previous night. The memories which kept resurfacing in my mind. I was being forced to remember things I had previously forgotten nearly a decade ago and now were haunting me like ghosts.

After last night, I was confident I knew the reason now. It was all Alan’s fault. He started this by making that god damn video about me and forcing me to see old photos and videos of my life from before I signed the contract. I hadn’t thought of Jonathon in years, but now old calls replayed in my mind. Inside jokes we hadn’t told in a decade were now being whispered behind my back. They were creating this pulsing headache as I couldn’t get them to shut up. A strange feeling also rose in my chest whenever I remembered that night when I had to kill him. It made my heart ache and muscles weak.

I’m sure it would all go away if I slept. Any pain I had could easily be thrown off with a good nap. Yet every time I closed my eyes and the memories became vivid. It was like seeing in perfect resolution a video you only remembered in black and white. Every sound became so easy to hear and every emotion I felt became physical in my body. The panic I felt as I pushed Jonathon to the ground became a clamminess in my hands that I couldn’t stop. It was beginning to drive me insane and I needed relief from this.

The obvious answer to solving this crisis was to attack it at the source. Alan should be asleep right now and Alice couldn’t stop me if she tried. That wasn’t an option though, not while the protection clause is in place. I almost attempted it yesterday, but the little logic I still had won out and forced me to bite down on the acid in my veins which craved a violent solution. God, he made me so angry. He acts so self-righteous and had the confidence yesterday to grab me and force me off of him when I confronted him. Someone like him should never have the right to even touch me. I knew he was smart, but I never suspected he was a genius who could manipulate the likes of Alice.

I had never even seen her with brushed hair and he got that girl to show up in new clothes, a fresh haircut, and with fucking makeup on her face. She was blushing like some teen girl who had the hots for the boys the grade above. I didn’t understand what the big deal was when he said her last name. Something seemed to snap in Alice and the bitch jumped Alan and started crying all over him. It was such a melodramatic display and it made me want to vomit as Alan hugged her. If I were only a bit more spiteful of her, I would have called Morgan and tried to get permission to turn Alan into a eunuch.

When they both finally left the living room, I thought I would get some sleep and time alone. Instead, I spent the entire night thinking about what I saw. Alice was like a love sick puppy who wanted nothing more than to get Alan’s attention and praise. She embellished all her crimes as Alan ate it up. It wasn’t just the matter that Alan had somehow turned the world’s biggest introvert into his personal lap dog, it was the fact that every time I saw them they came with a memory. The bragging Alice kept reminding me of myself with Jonathon. The nights I spent excitedly talking on the computer with him about our fantasies or the latest music he showed me. That comparison made me so uncomfortable and I couldn’t explain why I kept making it. That ache in my chest would lash out and grab at my heart so badly just seeing those two.

At one point, I grew curious about what they were doing in his room. It went quiet around one in the morning and I expected Alan to go to bed and Alice would finally disappear back into the computer. Instead, Alice somehow got Alan to let her sleep in his bed. Alan grabbed some blankets and slept on the floor. That girl doesn’t even need to fucking sleep. The whole night I was quiet and just waiting to hear any strange noises. Alan was a quiet sleeper so I knew if I heard anything, something was wrong. I wanted so badly to find him being weird with a gently sleeping Alice so I could stab him and claim I was defending Alice. I’m sure the protection clause would provide an exception in self-defense.

At like three, I grew impatient and peaked inside and found something else entirely though. The bed was empty and I briefly hoped that Alice ran into a device while he slept. That was until I looked down and felt my heart try to stab itself. Alice was clinging onto Alan like a fucking koala. Her arms wrapped around his head as she laid his head on her chest. For a moment, I thought this was planned and nearly barged into the room to grab Alan. He had gone too far now. What stopped me was realizing where they were. Why were they on the floor? If they chose to sleep like lovers, why not do it on the bed? It clicked in that moment that Alan wasn’t aware of what was happening. He easily slept through me handcuffing him to his bed, he just as easily stayed asleep as Alice forced herself on him.

I closed the door and found my chest pounding out of my chest. I could almost hear the sweet nothings that Jonathon would whisper to me as we slept on calls together. I laid back down on the couch and felt my face in my hands. I was burning hot and could feel the blush that must have been coming off of my face as I remembered all the fantasies we shared. Any hope of sleep vanished that moment and I spent the rest of the night waiting for my chest to calm down as the tiredness reclaimed my mind.

A whole day later, I still couldn’t get those thoughts out of my head. I lay down on the couch and closed my eyes. I saw those two cuddling like lovers and I could only imagine all the times Jonathon promised we would do that. That never happened though because he betrayed me and forced me to kill him. Why did this make my chest hurt so much? I couldn’t begin to describe what I was feeling. Was it Alan’s fault for making me remember? Jonathan’s for betraying me? My head was a mess and my chest felt like it was caving in.

I couldn’t take this anymore. I needed to do something. I shot upwards and reached underneath the couch cushions. The crinkled photograph was still there. Jonathan’s smiling face looked back at me as I gripped it and caused it to crease, like scars spreading across his face. I found my lighter and clicked it to light up a flame. I didn’t care if this would work to expel whatever these thoughts affecting me were. I just needed relief and the only way I knew how to express that was violence. I held the photograph under the flame and watched as it slowly singed at the edges, wilting and turning its colors into a lifeless black. The dark room slowly grew brighter as the flame began to eat at Jonathon. His smile moments from being devoured.

“Sofia, are you okay?”

I hadn’t realized how consumed I was with the flames. I looked up in a moment of clarity and found a confused Alan standing off to the side of the couch. His face was lit up by the small flames in my hand and I could see his knitted eyebrows and concerned expression as he looked down at me. I stood up from the couch and fanned the photograph to put out the flames. The weak embers didn’t fight back and soon extinguished their light to leave the room dark again. My eyes adjusted and Alan stood there holding out something. It was a box of tissues.

“Why are you giving me these?”

I asked him, but was surprised to hear my own voice as it weakly cracked. I didn’t accept them so he sat them down on the coffee table.

“You were crying. I thought you’d want some.”

“What?”

I reached my hand up to my face and was surprised to feel water beneath my eyes. I looked down at the photograph, now half destroyed, and saw water droplets which had fallen onto Jonathon’s remnants. Alan cautiously walked closer to see what I was holding. I quickly pulled it back and hid it behind my back. It was as if I was some kid who got caught playing games past their bed times as he watched me with these sad eyes. Why are you sad?

“Is that the picture of Jonathon Riley?”

He asked with a hint of caution in his voice, almost afraid to ask. I wiped my face with my sleeve, hoping to remove any evidence.

“So what if it is?”

“Why did you keep it?”

I looked up at his eyes and my chest felt as if it were breaking apart. There was sympathy in them.

“Why would I tell you?”

I stuffed the photo in my hoodie pocket and looked away from him. I didn’t like that look in his eyes. They made my chest hurt even more. Something about his expression reminded me of the one from Jonathon.

“Because I can understand. I know you said you didn’t like that I knew about your life. But that means I also understand why you did what you did. I might be able to understand what you’re feeling.”

I found myself looking down at the ground and not towards Alan. My pride answered the question instantly with a solid no. I had been fine for years and didn’t need to talk now. The pain in my chest and head forced me to hesitate though. Every second which I looked into his eyes made the pain grow worse. Something behind them, whether it was that sympathy or understanding he spoke of, hurt. The type of pain that a rusted nail leaves. Leaving you aching for relief as the scar only grows worse by the day. My legs were feeling weak and I found myself sitting down on the couch before answering.

“Fine.”

Alan slowly lowered himself next to me. He maintained a distance between us, one which prevented me from striking him if I wanted. He stared at my face as I refused to meet his eyes and just faced forward towards the empty darkness. He remained silent, waiting for me.

“Your video… It brought back memories. Ones I hadn’t thought about in years. That I thought I was over. Ever since I got here, I just keep thinking about Jonathon.”

He finally looked away from and out towards the darkness as well. He rested his arms on his knees and seemed to think about my words before asking a question.

“What kind of memories?”

“A lot of kinds. The good ones and the bad ones. It’s like he’s haunting me and I can’t forget him. He’s causing me to lose sleep and my head and chest hurt.”

“Why would he be haunting you?”

“Because I killed him, Alan!”

I finally managed to look towards him and make eye contact. He leaned away as I yelled at him, anger rising in my blood. Wasn’t it obvious? The adrenaline disappeared as quickly as it arrived and I had to pull away again. That shock and fear in his eyes were the cause. I sighed and pinched my eyes, trying desperately to disperse the pain. Alan looked back out into the darkness before speaking hesitantly.

“I’m sorry.”

“What?”

It was his turn to avoid eye contact as I stared at him. He continued as I could only stare.

“When I first made the video, I never thought you would ever see it. Even though I was saying you were alive, the odds seemed impossible for you to find it. I didn’t hold back at all, because I wanted to show exactly why you did what you did. You needed to kill to be free.”

“I guess, yeah.”

I looked downwards and found myself shrugging.

“When we went shopping the first day, I asked if you ever felt sympathy. You said you could but just didn’t. I guess you feel it for those you didn’t want to kill. You regret it.”

He looked towards me with those innocent eyes.

“Do you regret it?”

I nodded as I spoke, but never met his eyes.

“Yeah, we were supposed to travel the country together, going to concerts and parties. Living free, y’know? He helped me escape, only for me to leave him in the dirt.”

Alan looked downwards as I spoke. He seemed to think for a moment as I felt my eyes spring water again. I couldn’t remember the last time I cried. It probably was years ago. But now, they seemed to build behind my eyes like an overflowing dam. Alan looked upwards, as if addressing heaven as well as me.

“If that’s what he wanted, then I don’t think he would haunt you.”

“What do you mean?”

My voice came out confused and weak as the tears tried to escape, but I didn’t let them.

“If Jonathon wanted you to be free, then I don’t think he could possibly have anything to hold against you. You’re freer than most everyone in the world; free from responsibilities, from consequences, from anyone who has hurt you.”

I felt a tear roll down my face. I wiped it off with my sleeve.

“You really think I shouldn’t regret it?”

Alan shook his head.

“You can regret it. You can’t let it devour you. What you can do is try to not make new regrets.”

He stared into the unfocused darkness while I buried my face in my hands. I tried to hold the tears back, but they slipped through my fingers anyway. With every tear, the ache in my head and the crushing weight in my chest slowly flowed out. I'd buried that pain years ago, smothering it beneath violence, distractions, and excuses until I'd almost forgotten it existed. Alan had dug it back up. Not just my regret. Jonathon. The way Alan smiled while talking about my crimes in that stupid video... It was the same crooked smile Jonathon wore whenever we stayed up talking for hours. The same stupid curiosity. The same refusal to look away from the ugliest parts of me. Every word Alan spoke had scraped against a memory I'd tried to kill. That was why I hated him. The realization struck with a force that stole the air from my lungs. I never hated Alan. I hated what he reminded me of. I hated the grief that clawed its way back to the surface every time I looked at him. I hated that, after all these years, someone could still make me remember what it felt like to care about another person. My tears finally slowed. I wiped my face with trembling hands and forced myself to look at him.

“I’m sorry, Alan.”

“What?”

He looked towards me with those same innocent eyes. They were the same ones which were in the picture in my pocket.

“I’m sorry for hurting you.”

He smiled at me, an innocent warm look which built something else in my chest. An old feeling, one which took me a second to recognize. It was warm and made me feel a shiver inside. Like butterflies hatching from their chrysalis for the first time in a decade.

“I forgive you, Sofia. Can we try to get along from now on?”

I nodded in agreement and whispered weakly.

“Yeah, we can.”