Rewritten Past

Tuesday night, the Li Household.

Mei nervously wiped her hands on her apron before subconsciously placing a hand on her belly. In front of her, the preparations for an array of Thanksgiving dishes were already set.

Stuffing, the turkey itself, noodles, and other dishes. Enough to cover a table with food, and all prepared by herself.

Not because Wang told her to or forced her. In fact, for once, her husband had insisted on helping her prepare.

But Mei had refused. And the reason for that...

'...Is it going to be okay?'

It had been months since Alex was home. Yue said he was fine, and from the few times Mei called to talk with Alex, he seemed fine.

But that was the problem.

Her little boy was fine without her. No, he was BETTER without her.

From everything Yue said, Alex was thriving. And with the way that Yue talked about Alex, it seemed like they had gotten really close.

Closer than Mei ever was with Alex.

And that was what drove her to cook all of it. Anything to get her mind off that implication.

As Mei absently prepared some wontons to deepfry later, she felt a gentle but firm hand on her shoulder. Wang, her husband.

"You've been cooking for hours, Mei. Are you sure you don't want me to help?" Wang stared into her eyes, his usually stern expression uncharacteristically soft.

Mei let out a long sigh. "I'm fine. It's just..." She reflexively looked out the window towards the back of the house. At the tree where Alex would have been practicing his martial arts if he was there.

But he wasn't. And he hadn't been for a long time now.

Mei bit her lips and then murmured, "...I just... don't know. If we made the right decision."

Two months. Almost three now.

It had been easy. SO easy to just let Yue watch Alex.

That first week, Mei had felt relief she didn't know she needed. For once, she didn't have to worry about if her little boy was safe or properly fed.

The second week, Mei was happy that she had time to spend with her husband again, and the two of them felt more in love than ever.

After September, they had settled into an easy routine, paying more attention to each other and also slowly squaring away their finances.

But after October, Mei realized it. The fact that she simultaneously missed her little boy but also didn't. And that guilt gnawed away at her.

Then, at the start of November, Mei found out that she was pregnant again and all of what she had been trying not to think about crashed down on her.

The fact that Alex grew up barely having his parents in his life. The fact that he had completely changed after going to school and living with Yue. The fact that Alex didn't even ask to call his parents or even seem to miss them.

And those facts were making Mei wonder. Making her think about an unforgiveable truth.

That...

That maybe...

...She had never really wanted Alex. And that she was just forcing herself to love him because she was his son.

Mei didn't want to accept it.

But at the same time, she couldn't NOT accept it.

Because she felt the difference.

Alex had been unexpected. Unplanned. Not unwanted, but also not... necessarily wanted.

But Mei's latest child, the daughter growing in her right now...

That was a child born of love, devotion, and a mutual understanding. Both Wang and herself had wanted another child. And they were both sure that they would be able to love that child properly now that their situation was settled.

...But that made Mei realize that Alex never had that. And she wondered if it was too late for him to have that.

Mei subconsciously placed her hand over her belly, feeling the slight bump there. The place where a tiny heart was beating and a small life was starting to grow. "...What will Alex think?"

Wang froze. Then, just as uncharacteristically as earlier, he hesitated. "That's..." He trailed off. Then after a moment, he sighed and said, "Does it matter? We couldn't have done anything else. Right?"

"...Right." Mei murmured. "We couldn't have done anything else."

The words rang hollow to her ears, even if they seemed true.

Because both Wang and herself HAD given all they could. It was just... they didn't have much to spare.

But now they did.

And now their newest child would have all of their attention and time.

"...It's just... not fair, is it? To Alex." Mei's eyes watered and she blinked tears away, watching as they fell to the ground. "...Five years. Five years with us. And it only took two months with Yue to be the happiest he's ever been."

Wang was quiet. He didn't say anything. Instead, he just quietly brushed away Mei's tears.

Mei sniffed and leaned against his chest, murmuring, "It isn't fair. It's just... not fair."

"I know. I know it isn't, Wife." Wang rubbed her back and said, "But life isn't fair. It just... is. And this is how life has turned out for us."

"...I guess so." Mei mumbled.

She understood it. Mei wasn't an idiot. She'd run the numbers with Wang in the past. She'd chosen to marry him instead of trying to raise Alex alone or with her parents. She chose to go with him.

So what happened now were simply consequences. It wasn't bad luck.

It was just...

"...It hurts." Mei squeezed her hands, crumpling Wang's shirt. "...We're bad parents."

Wang's breath hitched. Just a fraction. Then he calmed himself and said, "No. We're not bad parents. We're just... doing what we can."

Mei shook her head and said, "Even then! Alex...!"

Her little boy that she carried for nine months. The little chubby and cute boy that toddled after her and cried when his dad left for work. The little boy who slowly grew up without friends, staying home alone more often than not while Mei and Wang worked.

That same little boy who suddenly changed at the start of first grade, and who was now completely different than the boy Mei remembered.

"...Was it because of us?" Mei covered her face in Wang's chest and murmured, "Did he finally give up on us after his birthday?"

Mei could still recall it. The way Alex's face had crumpled when she gently explained they couldn't have a cake or presents this year. How just a few days later he had completely changed, seriously practicing martial arts and no longer being picky about his food. How he seemed to have matured overnight...

But how it couldn't have been overnight.

Alex must have been quietly learning to fend for himself the entire time. And on that day, he quietly gave up on his parents ever being proper parents to him.

Wang was silent.

To someone else, they would have thought the man was denying it.

But as Mei pulled back to look at him, she could see it in her husband's eyes.

Wang wasn't being quiet because he thought she was wrong.

He didn't say anything because to do so would be to admit that she was right. And that would break him.

So her husband was quiet, simply holding Mei close while she fell apart in his arms, doing his best to hold them both together as the lie that they were good parents to Alex started to crumble.

And realizing that, Mei finally broke into a sob, clinging to Wang's chest.

Wang didn't say a word. He just held Mei tight and closed his eyes.

But if anyone saw him, they'd see tears quietly streaming down his cheeks, along with his shoulders slightly trembling with barely suppressed emotion.