95 - Exploring the Silence
Meditation was something that came easily to Arielle, probably because she had spent most of her life doing it.
One of her earliest memories was attending mass with her mother in Kelp River. Their family was never religious, and they didn’t do it often, but every once in a while her mother would go and present offerings to the Greenfinger Priest on behalf of their family. It was their way of honoring the Life Tree***.
Her father had a different opinion and thought that their work protecting the Greenfingers was enough to honor the Tree, but her mother was always the more spiritual of the two.
Arielle didn't remember much, but she did remember the utter silence of the room as everyone bowed their heads and closed their eyes. Everyone was praying, Arielle's mother told her, for a good harvest.
She closed her eyes too. However, she didn’t want to lose sight of the spirit orbs who had been her constant companions her entire life. She kept peeking her eyes open to make sure they were still there, but then she would feel guilty, and she would close her eyes again.
After some time in this delicate dance, she decided to do the right thing and keep her eyes closed. She thought perhaps the collective effort was needed for the invocation, and she didn't want to be the reason why they had a bad harvest.
So, she kept her eyes closed but mourned the loss of her orbs, continuously reminding herself that they were still there, even if she couldn't see them.
But then soon enough she realized something. She could feel them. At first, it was just consistent tingling within her, but eventually she could also see their imprint in the dark, their movement patterns almost like wind on her face, their buzzing clear in her ears now that there was total silence around her.
It was a divine feeling.
She couldn’t recall exactly how long she had stayed there with her eyes closed, but she knew she could have stayed there forever.
Even after she went home, she kept trying to replicate the sensation. The issue was that it seemed she needed silence, and in her home, silence was never guaranteed. Her parents had naturally loud voices; Celie and Brom were always arguing about something or the other, and Arielle would have to tolerate it until she couldn't anymore.
Then she would take herself to any corner she could find, press her hands over her ears, and suppress the urge to scream.
The only times things were quiet were when everyone was asleep, and Arielle was usually asleep by that time too.
But she eventually learned to keep herself awake so that she could finally explore the silence she wanted.
She would close her eyes once more and meditate, sensing the orbs without looking at them. She would spend all her time communicating with them until she dropped off to sleep.
Then, she would wake up, and the noise would seem even more unbearable.
Even at school, there was no reprieve, except during recess, when her friendlessness guaranteed that she was in the class alone while everyone else went out to play.
During those moments, she would talk to her spirit friends, too.
However, eventually, those stolen moments weren't enough.
She learned to create her own silence. She learned to zone out in the middle of the noise and create an oasis around her when all she focused on was the orbs and her connection to each of them. Slowly, she got better and better at this, so that the meditation no longer required time and effort. She could even do it with her eyes open sometimes.
It made people think she was strange, and often frustrated her family when she entered that space they could not occupy, but they had learned to leave her alone during it, or she would start screaming.
When she was young, she needed to steal those moments of silence to help her get through the chaos.
As she grew up, she'd needed it less and less, growing accustomed to constant noise and constant discomfort. Then, when her father left home, things got a lot quieter.
Nevertheless, the skill helped her now.
She isolated the natural noises of the environment–the slight shuffle of feet on the floorboards, the bubbling of a cauldron, murmured voices, gentle breaths.
One by one, she pushed those aside, taking her mind away from them until they faded away.
She turned her attention inwards.
The beat of her heart. The rush of her blood. The hum of her cores. The swallowing sounds of her throat.
The pulse in her hands.
There must be something about her that had triggered the chain of events that led to the Drift choosing her. There must be something in his presence in that book that connected to a fundamental part of her.
She tried to trace that connection from her hands, but she got lost somewhere in the noise.
That was when she realized that her insides were still far too loud. All the things she was aware of were still too much, and they constantly distracted her from her connection to the book, which was too subtle.
So she had to figure out how to block out her internal noise too.
At first, she began by trying to ignore the sounds until they faded away as she had done with all the external sounds.
However, this was more difficult.
She had ignored the external sounds by anchoring herself in the internal ones.
If she simply let go of her internal senses, she would be anchored with nothing. She would be set adrift in the nothingness and might never find her way back.
At least that was what it felt like.
Still, she tried to suppress as many of her senses as she could.
She turned her focus from the sounds of her heartbeat.
From the rush of her blood.
From the smell and sight of the darkness she was in, the feel of the ground underneath her feet.
The only thing she could not let go of was the sense of her core. That became her anchor.
As she withdrew the rest of her senses, her awareness of her core grew. Five glowing orbs and a smaller, tinier one that she could barely recognize. That was for the Blue Orb.
It had developed in all her time connecting with it, and now she could almost see it, almost touch it.
The more she focused on it, the stronger the connection felt.
I wonder if I can move the blue orb now.
She would try the next time she saw it. Perhaps she didn't need to meditate with it anymore. Perhaps she could simply focus on fostering this connection, and it would grow the core regardless.
But that was not what she was here to do.
She was here to find the Drift.
But there was a barrier.
She wasn't completely immersed in silence.
She couldn't do that unless she let go of her cores, and she was terrified that she might never get them back again. It would be like facing the Hybrid all over again, except this time she would be persecuting herself.
She didn’t know if she was up for that. But if she never tried, she might never find the answers to all the questions that plagued her.
She took a breath and tried. She pushed away from the image of her cores, the sound of it, turning her attention off. But it was hard because, once more, she didn't have anything to anchor herself to.
Anchor yourself with the truth.
That was what Vittoria had told her to do when meditating to protect her mind from demonic possession. She vaguely remembered the feeling of vertigo that had overcome her the last time she had done it and wondered if that had something to do with this.
More importantly, Vittoria's bands were still around her neck, and even if she let go of her cores, that would keep her attached to this world, keep her grounded enough to pull her back from the brink.
I am Arielle Blacksoil.
I am a Mossborne.
Elric is alive.
She experimentally pushed away her connection to her cores, embracing the darkness.
I am Arielle Blacksoil.
With every repetition, the heat of the bands around her neck brought her back. Like a rope, they kept her attached to reality, allowing her to push past her prior limitations, looking deeper inside of her, ignoring the buzzing until it started to fade.
I am Arielle Blacksoil. I am a Mossborne. Elric is alive.
She felt bereft as her sense of her cores faded. The last blockade. It terrified her. She held on for as long as she could, but ultimately, she panicked and instantly yanked herself back to awareness, taking deep breaths.
I’m not ready.
I’m Arielle Blacksoil.
I am a Mosborne.
Mossbornes were supposed to be brave. They were supposed to be able to overcome fear. At least that was what her father and brother had always taught her.
Celie, however, had told her to outsmart fear.
She didn’t know if she could. Losing her cores felt worse than dying.
I am Blacksoil.
I’m an unsanctioned Archmage.
Elric is alive.
I am a Mossborne.
She bit her lip, thought about it, and decided.
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I must do this.
She tried again. Once more, an unspeakable sadness and panic nearly overwhelmed her. She gripped herself tight, holding still, preventing herself from calling it off again.
I’m fine.
I’m Arielle Blacksoil.
I’m fine.
The thoughts were the only thing holding her.
They reminded her of who she was even as she floated farther and farther away from herself, and deeper and deeper inside herself. She was terrified.
It was dark, and she was terrified.
Then, once again, it turned off.
She didn’t hear anything for a while. All she heard were the thoughts she echoed to herself.
I am Arielle Blacksoil.
She didn't feel anything or know anything else. She didn’t know where she was, but it felt like she was nowhere and everywhere. In limbo. She stood in the darkness, waiting to see what would happen, praying she hadn’t made a mistake that had trapped her in her own mind.
And then….
She heard the sound of laughter.
Childish laughter.
Her childish laughter, along with her own familiar voice saying, “Wait! Wait, Chimi, Wait."
Chimi. That was the name of the swamp rabbit she had been chasing before she fell into the bog. The picture became clearer to her now: the shimmering green of the forest in the distance, the vast water bordered by stilted huts.
One of them was her own.
She saw herself as a little girl. She didn’t just see herself. She smelt the freshness in the air that smelled like home. Felt the excitement at finally having a friend, and as she approached the bog and Chimi leapt over, she wanted to tell her younger self to be careful. Not to fall. But it was too late.
She was plunged into the water, and current Arielle went in with her.
She merged with the girl in the water, felt the same desperate choking sensations, the struggle for life, the heaviness that continued to drag her down, the silky moss wrapped around her ankles restricting movement, and the bubbles that represented her muffled scream.
Dying was so much more intense than she remembered.
In hindsight, perhaps her mind had blocked this part out because it was so painful. So darn painful, the bitter slimy liquid rushing in through her nose and mouth.
So unpleasant. She hated it. Even more than drowning, she hated the feeling of being suffocated and surrounded and having nowhere to escape it.
It completely consumed her as she screamed and fought with her eyes open.
How had she completely misremembered this? How had she thought it would be peaceful when it felt so terrible? How had she accepted this?
She wanted it to stop.
But it wasn't stopping. It was only getting worse.
So she had to make it stop.
She had to form silence once again.
And that was what she did.
She withdrew into herself. She closed her eyes and pushed everything away, even her cores, out of sheer desperation.
Still, it was impossible to achieve pure silence for long. She only got flashes of it, but for longer and longer stretches as she struggled and begged and pushed some more.
Then it all stopped.
She was adrift in the darkness and the emptiness. She didn't feel the slimy wetness, the heaviness.
She didn’t feel herself breathing.
She felt light, and she floated even deeper inside herself, enjoying the oasis that had been created.
She observed the brilliant sunlight peeking through the algae, accepting that she was drowning with little struggle. Resigned to her fate, she enjoyed the journey.
Because it made her realize that it was the first time in her life that she wasn’t in a constant state of discomfort, while pretending to be completely okay with it. This was quite nice.
You think so?
She heard a rough chuckle, one that sounded so poignant, so familiar yet indistinct at the same time.
There was nothing she could tell you about it. It wasn’t even really sound. It was like someone had conveyed meaning without a single word, but she understood it anyway.
It also made her realize that she wasn’t in her body. She wasn’t in control anymore. Someone else was here with her, and they were the reason everything had stopped.
She didn’t know what to say to this other creature, whose domain she was in, who had taken away her fear and her feeling.
So she figured an introduction was in order.
Hello there. I am Arielle Blacksoil.
There was a slight pause before his response.
Interesting.
The voice was almost as quiet as the silence. It was a distance away from her, although it swam in and out of focus.
It's been a long time since anyone has met me like this. Death is rarely embraced with arms wide open.
The words didn’t make her scared. She didn’t think about the fact that she might be dying because death was such an abstract concept that it meant nothing to her. She existed on a plane outside of it, so it didn’t affect her.
You are in the abyss, but your awareness of it drew my notice.
She didn’t know what he was saying. All she knew was that being here was pleasant, and his talking to her was even more so.
I’m intrigued. Do you want me to take you deeper? Show you more?
There was more? She had to see. She had to know.
Yes. That had been her answer that day. It was her answer today as well. It felt like two voices were speaking, from past and present, but saying the same thing:
How amusing. Do you know what you're asking? Do you plan to give up everything?
"Arielle!”
Her eyes popped up, and the rush of sensation was agonizing. She drew in a sharp breath as she was instantly stabbed with sound, with light, with motion and presence, and it was so overwhelming she thought she screamed.
At the same time, she had the memory of her brother pulling her out of the water, pushing his hand on her chest while sobbing.
The past merged with the future, and for agonizing seconds she couldn't tell which was real.
She was bombarded with everything, everywhere, all at once, and she nearly passed out from the combined hit, falling forward onto someone’s chest, with strong arms gripping her shoulders.
“Easy,” she said. “Take it easy."
Vittoria.
It was Vittoria who was holding Arielle as she struggled to draw in breaths because her body had forgotten how to.
“Easy,” Vittoria said, rubbing her back while she inhaled and exhaled raggedly. “Where did you go?”
“Did I disappear?” she choked out.
“No. But you weren’t here. I could tell. Your mind went somewhere else.”
She didn’t want to admit that she had gone into her mind to look for the Drift. That it had taken her to the time when she had nearly died.
It would lead to too many questions that she didn’t have the answers to right now. Additionally, she knew she wasn't supposed to talk to people about the Drift, according to Cornelius' warning.
“I was just meditating," she said as she finally recovered with a surprising quickness. She leaned back against her seat and drew in breaths, feeling exhausted.
"You were meditating?" Vittoria asked.
"Yes."
"With my method?"
"Yes."
"Well, I appreciate your dedication, Arielle, but it's not necessary to go this far. A surprising number of people have gone into comas from too deep a meditation before. Use a timer next time and ensure that you take breaks every two hours at least."
"Right." She assumed more than two hours had passed, but she didn’t feel it. She was disoriented. Even with her grounding in her thoughts, it still hadn't been enough to help her get out.
Mostly because she didn't want to get out.
She wanted to go deeper. There was so much more that she hadn't seen yet. Had the Drift really taken her deeper? Was that why he asked her to find him?
But why had he not approached her before? Why had everything started with the project at the academy?
What had he done to her, and what specifically did he want from her?
She was frustrated because she felt like she had been on the verge of a massive discovery, but it had been cut short. All the answers were right there on the tip of her brain, but she just had to put it all together in the right order.
At least now she knew that she had met him before when she was a child. And that dying had not been how she thought it was.
No wonder she wasn’t scared of it.
Her panic had likely stopped abruptly because the Drift had probably tampered with her emotions while in that trance, but she didn't know how he’d done it. She would have to go back and see it more clearly to understand it. She wondered what other things her mind kept from her that she could discover.
The temptation to try again immediately arose. But she was also scared of the feeling she had gotten right before, of letting go of her cores. Even now, she shivered from just how chillingly awful that had felt. And she might not have come out of there if not for Vittoria. The Drift might have taken her as he'd already taken countless others.
She probably should work on her anchor before she tried again, ensuring that she was strong enough to pull herself back each time.
“You’ll go back to campus tomorrow,” Vittoria said after Ari caught her breath. “Elric and I will inform the dean about what happened so that there will be extra security. We will also send security for your family as well. Stay on campus and don't leave, not until we tell you it’s safe, probably after our emergency meeting with the council tomorrow. Most importantly, guard your mind against demonic interference. They will likely see you as a target now, knowing they can’t get to us any other way.”
Arielle nodded.
"I will leave you with my portal bird," Vittoria said. "If anyone comes after you, I will instantly know. It will bring you to me."
"Can I use the portal bird myself?" Arielle asked excitedly.
"Nope," Vittoria said cheerfully as Arielle's smile was subdued. "It's not a toy, and this is not me daring you to figure out a way to use it as one. The portal bird is for emergencies only. Alright?"
"Can it talk to it?" Arielle wondered how alive the bird truly was outside of Vittoria's influence.
"Eventually. This one is still young, so it only follows my orders. But after being with you for a while, it might develop a personality of its own."
Hm. That sounded nice. Almost like having a pet. Arielle had never had a pet of her own before.
"Do you feel better now?" Vittoria asked.
She nodded.
"Good. Let's have dinner. Elric can't have solid food yet, so it will just be the three of us."
"Okay," she said, and looked to see that the table had already been set, and it was much darker outside than she had anticipated.
She had definitely been in that trance more than a few hours.
Dinner was actually delicious.
The meat was unfamiliar to Arielle, so she did not touch it; however, the potatoes reminded her of a meal she would eat at the academy. It was the perfect texture and taste.
Inara was indeed a good cook, and she blushed when Ari told her as much.
Ari ate in her disguise, although it had dropped while meditating. She hoped Inara hadn't seen her during that, because the other girl had not been in the room when she opened her eyes.
It was decided that Inara would stay with Vittoria in the meantime until they either figured out how to bypass her oath or negotiated her release from her family.
Arielle told them that she would be studying blood magic when she got back to campus, both for Inara's sake and also to unlock the book that she showed Vittoria. Vittoria was in support. They thought that the book likely had very important information, given how fierce the protection was. As it were, only Yseult’s blood would open the book, but Arielle was determined to find a backdoor.
"I think if there's anyone who can find a way around it, it's probably you,” Vittoria told Arielle.
“Yes,” Arielle responded, which made Vittoria snort and chuck a potato slice at her.
They decided that the rest of her things, her loot, would stay in Vittoria's home, and she would only take the two books with her back to campus.
Vittoria's home only had one bedroom, which Elric occupied, so Ari and Inara slept in the living room, while Vittoria spent the rest of the night in her basement.
Ari didn't get much sleep. She woke up several times to check in on Elric, who was fast asleep while his body healed.
Arielle herself was fully healed by morning, and her palms had stopped stinging for the most part, except for the very tip of her left index finger. However, Vittoria assured her that it would probably stop in the next couple of days. She didn’t sense any remnant of poisoning or demonic interference, although Arielle was slightly concerned when Elric mentioned that an imp had pricked him and he was pretty sure that was how he’d been poisoned with demon blood.
But Vittoria assured Ari that wasn’t the case here.
She said goodbye to Elric, who said he would visit as soon as he could walk.
Vittoria stayed with her in Khor until Rava arrived to pick her up.
Arielle sensed the presence of the bird on the ferry, attaching to her, as she answered Rava's chattering questions with a murmur.
She kept thinking, though, about the Drift and what she had sensed and when she would try again. She also thought about Cornelius' book and all the various things he said were difficult, but he could not otherwise talk about them.
She thought about the end of her trials and the fact that she would have to give a presentation on the Unmaker.
Then she thought about the book in the library that had spoken about the Unmaker, the missing students, the writing on the wall.
What did it all mean?
Another thought occurred to her, as her mind recalled what the Drift had said:
You are in the abyss, but your awareness of it drew my notice.
Was it the same abyss that the Li’s pulled from?
The one her politics professor had said held all sorts of information that was hidden from this world? Was that where the Drift resided? Was that where the In Between was, where people like Cornelius Draco were trapped?
That gave her another idea.
What if the book she thought was Telip’s journal didn’t belong to any student currently on campus? After all, Telip had been the only other person in the library when she'd summoned the words into her notebook.
What if the journal wasn’t in the library after all? Or rather, it was in the library, but it wasn’t on the shelves. It was in the abyss.
But Orion couldn’t have accessed information from the abyss.
And why would the abyss be in the campus library?
Also, the handwriting proved that it was a student, one who had also written a paper on the Church of the Wayward. A student that she now had to find.
She needed to talk to Professor Woden.