Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

I'm always twisted up when it comes to gift giving. In case all my worrying about gifts this past Yule wasn't a huge clue to that. It's weird, in a way, because while I definitely get all warm and fuzzy when someone gives me a gift that shows they not only understand me, but they spent the time to make it or pick it out or whatever, I don't think 'gifts' are my love language. I mean, not what makes me feel loved. Maybe my mom working herself to death burned that out of me, or made me gun shy or something. I want touch, and time, and acts of... Yeah, I'm not calling that 'service', so let's just leave it to touch and time.

Meanwhile I absolutely twist myself up tryna come up with perfect gifts. I mean, I have in the past. I'm trying to move away from that. Trying to maybe give what I'm looking to get. Which, y'know, isn't entirely awful, but also isn't exactly as possible as I'd like it to be. Yeah, I can have a dozen of me noodling around at any given time, but only one of me is gonna be alert and, y'know, present in the moment. So quality time isn't something I can really give more of than I have, and with two dozen kids I can't give any of them as much attention as I'd like.

Of course, I wind up giving some of them more attention than others; not because they're favorites or anything of the sort, but because some of them need me more than others. It almost seems like I've wound up getting all the... What did MCR call it? The broken, the beaten, and the damned? Yeah, Isnomi wasn't one of those, until Diana had her epic bitch fit and then she was. She's okay now... Well, more than okay. I think of all my kids she's the one I'd trust most with taking over for me if something horrible happened to me. Weird, because she's a fuckin' three year old, but I stand by that. SO I guess maybe she doesn't need me as much as Jack and Karen, or any of Marie's foundlings, or, y'know, Aisling.

Who still hasn't really let go of me or seemed at all copacetic with me being out of reach for longer than it takes to get her out of dirty clothes into clean ones. When we got home yesterday, which happened early because the school day had devolved into a party celebrating our two new kid's 'name day'. Which if it means what I think it means, I've now got ten birthdays to plan for next July instead of the nine I currently had.

There is something seriously wrong with me. Not liking kids, that's just something I guess I grew into. Not enjoying the mom thing, that surprised me, but it's not like it's a biological aberration or something. No, I'm talking about the fact that I'm currently having some difficulty being present as much as I'd like for my kids, but I'm still absolutely jazzed at the abstract concept of making more of them. Like, at some point giving Tallulah that Sidhe Goddess she wants, or working with Murder Mittens to create yet another litter, or most of all working out a way for my Kitten and I to exchange genetic material in such a way that we can sit around preggers together.

Like I said, gotta be something wrong with me. Then again, maybe that's part of that whole 'Black Swan with a Thousand Thousand Young' thing. If part of that title is, as Saffron says, 'Children Live', I'm never going to regret having it, but I really hope my kids don't feel neglected.

Then again, some of them are a lot more independent than others, and if there's one advantage to having so many it's that they've all got their own little social circle. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I can be their mom instead of trying to be that and their friend. Those are very different relationships, and while I'd love to be friends with them once they're adults, I think I'm also happy that I can step back and know that they won't be lonely, or bored, or lack enrichment in their environment. I can be mom, and maybe focus my efforts on the... I hate to say it, but the broken kids.

The ones who are like I was.

Holy shit. I think I've realized this before, but it always hits me like a truck when I remember it. I'm doing it. I'm actually being the person I needed as a kid. I mean, yeah, I'm not quite as there as I want to be, but I'm there when they need me, I hold the ones who want to be held, because tentacles for the win, and I absolutely will cancel any of my classes or even my therapy session if one of my kids needs it.

Yeah, at any rate, got home early, and totally bamboozled Saffron into showing me the solar panel setup, explaining the voltage and amperage and how much load it could take, how long the batteries would last after dark, what safety measures were in place, and when I got a little desperate roped Daya into helping me, showing the two of us her latest cool shit from her three d printer. Which she's apparently taken to using to print out fancy shit like broaches and signets, then using those to form molds in sand. I do not know how our grade school kid has bamboozled one of the women into letting her use the forge to melt down crucibles of precious metals, but she actually made a broach with a little eagle on it for Saffron's birthday, which she gave her right then and there.

"I'm sorry."

Saffron tilted her head. "Why are you apologizing? This is lovely!"

Daya shook her head. "No. I'm... I should apologize to Lindsey."

"Why?"

"She carved the form for that. I should have waited until she was here to give it to you."

Saffron nodded. "While that's probably true, it's not an unforgivable offense. I shall wear it to dinner, and thank her as soon as I see her."

Daya glanced at me with an impish grin, then said, "I'll remind you when you don't."

That got her a double round of tickling, which ended quickly when she tapped out, but she giggled while it happened. She also held both of our hands walking down the steps of the Bore, then through the kitchen.

"Am I imagining things, or is the kitchen... Messy?"

I shrugged. "I think we caught Mittens off guard a little. Rushing things."

"Oh, we certainly don't want..."

Whatever she'd been about to say was cut off as we stepped into the Dining Room to an avalanche of sound, as all of our kids, not to mention all of our ladies, High Clergy included, screamed out, "Happy Birthday!"

She stood there, eyes shining, as the kids ran in, smallest first, and glomped onto her. Okay, all of them except Aoibh, who had a mouth full of Siobhan tit keeping her quiet, Aisling, who still clung to my Co-Located hip, and Hailee, who'd kept a hand on Aisling's back the entire time. Good thing, too, because she tensed at the cheer, then relaxed shortly after I heard a tiny keening coming from her. I'm not sure where I'm gonna fall on the whole 'Divine Woo drugging her to keep her docile' situation, but for the moment we need to keep her from killing every non-Deific person on the Homestead every time she's startled.

Meanwhile Saffron had been bodily lifted by a wave of girls, then carried over to the central table, which had a massive cake topped with almost two dozen little frosting people. Isnomi, who had her mom by the hand, pointed at one of them. "Das me, Ma! I made id!"

Yeah, that particular frosting person had black slacks, a red jacket, and fuzzy charcoal gray everything else. "So I see. So, is there one of me?"

"Yah! Mawa made it!" She hopped and pointed at the top of the cake. "Is on top!"

Which is when I realized that neither Isnomi nor my beautiful Kitten was tall enough to see the top of the top tier of the cake, where a little frosting Saffron in Glowing Midnight stood. Unlike the kids and ladies, this one looked picture perfect, like recognizable as Saffron even. Before I could do anything about it, Marie was there, claws around Saffron's waist, lifting her up.

"This is most undignified."

"It Is."

"So, who gets that piece?"

"You Do!"

"Well? I'm waiting."

"Dinner first!" Maze called out, and when Marie seemingly agreed, the flow of food started. Candied veggies. Roasted fruit. Sweet barbeque and honeyed ham. Sweet, light mead, brought in by Devorah, including some watered down stuff for the kids. As we ate, the women of the Homestead cycled through, each of them bringing some little knickknack or food. Mostly food, with the rest being handmade clothing. Oh, and one metal cutlery set with 'SAD' on it. Took me a second, and I very carefully did not laugh when I realized that the smith who'd made it might well not speak English.

As dinner wound down and dessert loomed, I Co-Located to the New Amsterdam Academy. When Saffron finished the last of her food, she stifled a belch, then said, "at last, cake!"

"Not quite yet," I murmured. "One very special present somebody wants to give you."

She looked at me. "Hmm?"

That's when i collapsed back to myself, dropping Senior Cadet Hilde Pesce right between Saffron and the cake. Goof?

Senior Cadet. Not Hero yet.

Oh, you bitch.

Her idea, mostly. She's hit Senior Cadet in record time, by the way. 'Inspired by Goddess and Imperator alike'.

Then Hilde, who'd arrived in a plain white sheath of a dress, cleared her throat and started singing.

"Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday, dear Imperator,

Happy Birthday to you."

The whole room held it's breath as Saffron stood, pushing her chair back. Then she waved Hilde forward. Nobody but Marie, Saffron and I realized how much she'd changed, but she reminded me of nobody so much as Larry as she prowled forward. Saffron held her arms out in invitation, and Hilde stepped into a surprisingly chaste hug.

Of course, being in her head helped me make sense of Saffron's murmured, "I should love to see you again once you officially graduate. And, in private, you may call me Saffron"

Hilde practically hovered back to me when the two of them separated. "Happy Birthday, Saffron!"

When Saffron got a bit of a booger look, I stepped Hilde back to her Academy cell, laughed and said, "c'mon, Kitten. This is our family's Dining Room. Private enough if you ask me."

She opened her mouth to argue, at which point I set the top tier of the cake on the table in front of her, at which point she decided that she had better things to do with her mouth.

This also happened when I hopped all the kids over to Mom and Dad's place for a sleepover. Which, while I did in fact have to keep one of me in the cave both as nominal Mom presence and to keep Aisling calm, led to some fun times in the Bath. These included but were not limited to Shapeshifting into an itty bitty Great Kraken.

Good times.

Dreamt of my ladies all lifting Saffron up out of my Maw, then tossing her down like a high diver. Okay, I never watched that sport, I've got no idea why anybody would jump off a high cliff into the ocean when they had the option of, y'know, not doing that.

In the morning we brought the kids back, and as a special guest star in the kitchen I went and brought Mrs. Driver back to show us how to make her whipped cream crepes. Crepes and waffles and pancakes, oh, my. Also syrup and honey and molasses, although the molasses tasted odd. I know we're not getting the sugar from sugar cane, not this high up in the mountains this far north, and I don't know what the women make it from, but frankly I'm not asking, because while it tasted odd, it also tasted good.

I mean, I got a couple bites of each combination. I also fed at least one full crepe, waffle, and pancake with each combination of toppings into my Kitten. Breakfast lasted until nearly noon, at which point I shot Saffron an evil grin and said, "guess what time it is?"

"Oh, no."

"But what about yes?" I lifted her to her feet and announced, "we'll be back in a few minutes," then covered her mouth with mine as I popped Glowing Midnight onto her and Co-Located us to the steps of each of our Academies. Okay, Norfolk's didn't have 'front steps', but they had that spot Olga liked to hang out, and they'd put up a little reviewing stand there. Not really so much for reviewing what we looked out at, but for everybody to view their Imperator. Meanwhile the only major spot without an Academy, Troll Home, we just showed up at my Altar, which was pretty much the central meeting place for all the Trolls and Jotnar living there.

She, as usual, got a wave of cheers. Something about being seen as equally responsible for the Alliance surviving and thriving despite everything the Europan Deities had thrown at us. I am entirely uncertain if I'm going to puke in your mouth or not.

Worth the risk.

We kissed until the cheering started to get interspersed with chuckles and even some outright laughter in some of the Cities, at which point I let her go and stepped behind her. Maybe even Shapeshifting a little shorter, a little less 'looming over her shoulder' and a little more 'backing her up and supporting her'.

"People of the Alliance!" They quieted near immediately, which meant her Message Spell just let everyone hear her instead of blowing their eardrums out. If they still had any after all the cheering. "Together we have survived. Together we have thrived. Together we have done both despite all the powers and principalities who have set themselves to our destruction. Together we have made the Alliance a place where we can build, and know that our children's children's children will see the fruits of that labor, know that it will not be snatched away or destroyed by some petty prince or despotic Deity."

She paused, and that got a slow, rolling cheer that sounded... Proud. Maybe the tiniest bit angry, but not at Saffron. Anger as they realized that before the Alliance, they hadn't had that assurance.

Then she slammed her point home when she said, "Together we have built a place where our children will live. As will their children, and their children, and so on into the future. A future that we will build together!"

Yeah, that hit us with a wall of cheering that took... A long time to die down. Every time she opened her mouth, they cheered louder, until she just laughed, turned back to me, and kissed me. Eventually, when the laughter started up again, she turned her head to face the crowd and said, "my people, you have done all this, and for that, I love you all!"

Then she collapsed us back to the Homestead as another wave of sound washed over us.

"Think they'll ever get tired of that?"

She blinked back into her casual clothes, including a top and skirt she'd been gifted just today, as she said, "I'm certain they will at some point, but honestly? I can only hope that when they do, it's because they've become so accustomed to the world we've created being an ever-improving utopia that such parties seem... Silly?"

I hugged her. "Yeah, well. Even if they get to that point, I'm sure they'll be silly for you once a year."

She leaned against my chest. "I think I'd be fine with just one person being a Goof for me year round."