Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

Y'know, it has occurred to me more than once that I might make more progress during my therapy sessions if I remembered all those little things I record in this notional Diary on the daily.

Seriously, there's a lot of stuff I don't detail out here, because I talk about it with the ladies and the 'rents on Mondays. Or whatever other days we do the therapy thing. Yeah, I'll mention general topics in my Diary on those days, but... I dunno, a lot of it seems too harsh, too raw for me to talk about just then. I think maybe that's why I don't talk then about things I talk about here; putting them down here is kind of cathartic, a different kind of cathartic, one that often makes them seem too trivial or too, I dunno, 'dealt with' to bring up on Mondays.

But that's the thing, just because I've picked off the scab, rinsed out the wound, and put a bandage on it doesn't mean I've had a medical professional Assess it, and it sure as shit doesn't mean it's Healed. I think I need to get into the habit of thinking about what I've talked about here for the past week then talk about it there, with whichever of my parents and ladies attend that week listening. I've heard therapists referred to as 'common sense filters', and sometimes I think I need one of those. No, check that. I always think I need one, sometimes I think I need more than one, with the extras there to pull the first one out of the endless tsunami of bullshit I spout.

So yesterday, much like Logan training young women in the use of a sword, I spent my day enticing people into learning Math.

Okay, yeah, it sounds way skeevier than intended when I say it like that, much like Logan hooking up with former proteges probably sounded way less skeevy back in the eighties or whatever. Or fuck, maybe it's been kinda skeevy all along, or maybe I'm just letting the neopuritan upbringing win again, because it don't matter who he hooks up with, there's gonna be an age gap. Motherfucker inscribed on the walls of one of En Sabah Nur's Egyptian haunts with the whole 'do not fuck with this crazy feral asshole, it never ends well'. I guess at some point every immortal hits an age where it's just 'I got needs, and if they're an adult and can Consent, that's the best I can hope for'.

Yeah, there's the whole mentor, protege thing going on, but I am absolutely tasting what duBois' O face smells like in a couple of years, and I'm not blaming him for that. Motherfucker straight up checked out of the conversation last time I shoved thoughts like that into his brain hole. The only thing he's trained me in is how to wreck shit, and we've already had the discussion of whose shit is getting wrecked in any shit wrecking contest between the two of us.

Oh. Oh, shit. I really hope I don't have to cancel Operation Gold Watch because he might be feeling like he doesn't have the option of saying 'no' without negative consequences.

Shit. Kitten!

Yes, Goof?

We're duBois' boss and boss' boss, how are we gonna not be a conflict of interest when we put Operation Gold Watch into effect?

My Kitten is stunningly advanced when it comes to our mind-to-mind conversations. As an example, she can now shoot me 'WTF, Diaz?' looks entirely with her mind. That's the emergency?

I mean, it's not urgent or anything, but it's important.

Is it, then?

I thought about that for like a half second. Yeah? I don't know why, but yeah?

She sighed into my brain, the sound fuzzy and comforting. Well. We'll just have to up our seduction game. Or bribe him to retire so he no longer works for either of us.

Maybe both?

If that's what it takes, love.

Thanks Kitten. I love you.

I love you too, Goof.

At any rate, spent the day planting the seeds of nerd-dom into young minds, then came home to find everyone ready to head over to Mom and Dad's place. I looked around and said, "will they be staying tomorrow?"

Sigyn, never breaking eye contact with me, pulled Siobhan over next to her, perforce bringing Aoibh along, what with Siobhan holding her in the crook of one arm. "This one will be."

Siobhan blinked. "I guess I will be then."

"Her too."

Yeah, I've mentioned before, my Divine adoptive mom may be the tiniest bit baby crazed. Then again, what with her own kids being forcibly Shapeshifted, Killed, and used to tie their father to a slab of rock, I'm not gonna blame her, really.

"Okay. Everybody ready?"

That got a round of affirmatives, and we stepped everybody incapable of self-Translocation over to Mom and Dad's place. Which, to be clear, was still a prison, still a cave somewhere under the mountains in Scandinavia. At least for the moment. But for our kids, it wasn't any of that. It was Grandma and Grampa's place. And while the cooking options at their place were limited to some primitive fireplace cooking implements they'd gotten from somewhere, at some point when I wasn't looking Marie brought her cart along, packed full of trays and tureens. Given that one of those trays had sushi, I decided to shut my mouth and eat.

Okay, you know what I mean.

At any rate, the kids all ate, and then Sigyn and Loki told stories, mostly PG-13 rated ones about his adventures before he met Mom. Well, 'met' is a kind of shitty word for it. Apparently the only one of Loki's significant others who he'd actually sort of met was Sleipnir's dad, and 'met' is a hell of a euphemism for 'Mata Hari'd as a Mare'. Angrboda and Sigyn both were more or less pointed at Loki by Odin. Or maybe he was pointed at them. My point is that both pairings were arranged by the All Father, which is kind of a weird flex for a guy with that title, making sure some other dude is a father.

Yeah, I'm not real comfortable with the idea of arranged marriages. I know in some cultures marriage is more of a connection between families than a loving bond between partners, and that's why those cultures have shit like sanctioned mistresses and stableboys and such, so the senior folks in the family arranging the whole thing just makes sense, but... Holy shit, I think I just realized why I don't like it, it's because those Patriarchs and Matriarchs and gender neutral family head honchos are treating their own kids and grandkids and so on like things. Like playing pieces to be moved around for some kind of advantage. Like assets.

Like things.

As a wise woman once said, all evil starts with treating people as things.

So those bedtime stories went on well past bedtime. Not that I really cared, since they didn't have school in the morning, and I'd yet to have a problem with getting them up for school. Even the kits turned out ready to go when it was time for school. Even Isadora, queen of all day naps herself.

We all slept late this morning, after a night I spent dreaming about my ladies having a full tea social in my Maw. That reminds me, I need to alter their dream tea social procedure to include something like pouring one out for the homies no longer with them, except this would be pouring one out for the Maw they're floating in.

No, I am not converting to the way of tea. It's just nice to be included.

When we'd given everyone hugs and kisses and Marie and Tallulah stepped them back to the Homestead, Loki pulled out his big table and we all pulled up chairs.

"So, Daughter. Did you have anything in particular you wanted to talk about?"

I stopped, thought about it, then sighed. "Yeah, no, I had a whole list, but it just evaporated like spit on a griddle when you asked that question."

He and Saffron both chuckled, while Siobhan smiled softly, shifting Aoibh around to nurse, then said, "well, has anything been bothering you lately?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, the first thing that comes to mind is the whole situation with Mads, but I know that's just me wanting control over something I shouldn't have control over."

Saffron reached out and took my hand. "You need only ask, love. I cannot keep secrets from you."

I smiled. "Nah. You absolutely can. Just don't tell me." She opened her mouth, but I shook my head. "No, seriously, I get it. When it comes to personal stuff, I absolutely want to know everything, even if I'm gonna forget it half the time until you remind me, but this..." I sighed. "This isn't personal."

She shook her head. "No, love, this is deeply personal."

II shrugged. "Yes and no? I think that's something that's been bothering me."

She opened her mouth to reply, then paused, obviously changing what she was gonna say. "What in particular?"

"Nothing really 'in particular'. But the general, I dunno, blurry lines. Back where I'm from there's all kinds of rules about, really against nepotism, against conflict of interest, basically shit that's saying that if you're in a position of power, like a government official, you shouldn't be promoting family members or spouses into positions of authority."

She just blinked at that. "That's... No, that seems very stupid. How else do you know who you can trust?"

I snorted. "You ask that like I ever got anywhere near power or any way to get it." After a deep breath, I followed that with, "seriously, though, there were way too many examples of people promoting utter incompetents to positions of power and authority because they were 'trustworthy'." While she chewed on that, I realized what might make things make sense. "Okay, who would you put in charge of some kind of operation that required serious brain power. Ophelia Orange or Linus Carruthers?"

She winced. "I cannot foresee any situation where those would be my only two choices."

I sighed and shook my head. "Look, for the sake of argument. Assume everybody else you know anything at all about is busy with something else. Even you. Or maybe you can't be associated with whatever."

She grimaced. "Ophelia, obviously. Linus is sweet, and earnest, but even before he gained the benefits of the Hero's Title, Lachlan towered over him intellectually."

"Yeah. My point is that back where I'm from, way too many people put 'trust' over 'competence'. Which I guess isn't horrible if the job's easy or doesn't matter or something, but even there, the worst people wound up trusting the wrong people, so things went to shit when untrustworthy incompetents wound up in positions of power."

"I..." She stopped herself, took a deep breath, and shook her head. "I need to think on this, I think. Perhaps, with help, review some of the history of your world." Before I could say anything in response she nodded toward me. "But for now, what of the current situation is bothering you?"

I stopped and took a minute myself, thinking about it. "A couple things." They all nodded at me when I paused. "Although when I think about it more it all boils down to me misusing my power. Not, like, Mana or Divine Woo or even just physical strength, although I worry about that too, but my... Shit, my influence, my ability to convince people that things are objectively right or wrong when it's just my fuckin' opinion."

Saffron chuckled. "So many things boil down to opinion, though."

I shook my head. "Yeah, no, there's research on all kinds of stuff. I mean, I get it, we don't have easy access to that, but like, back in the day I remember reading about homelessness. People who lost their homes and lived on the streets. There were all kinds of opinions on what to do with them, but some scientist types studied it, and it turns out that the cheapest way to deal with the problem was just to give them houses. Well, homes. Safe places to live and keep their stuff."

"That just seems like sense, if a country is rich enough. I assume yours was?"

I shrugged. "I don't fuckin' know, but like I said, that's the cheapest option. Okay, the cheapest option that doesn't boil down to 'kill them' or maybe 'exile them'."

She shook her head. "So what was the argument about then?"

"I dunno. Whether people preferred exile or death, because anybody who suggested housing them just got laughed at, unless it was some kind of 'work program', where they 'earned' the housing."

She tilted her head. "Doesn't everyone work for their housing?"

I didn't think. I just shot back, "did we make Grandma work? I mean, other than babysitting, which is work, but she didn't have to do laundry all day. Oh, shit, no, what about the kids? We don't make them work to 'earn' their keep."

"They're children."

"Yeah, well. That's why they can't. Or really, since our kids are pretty good about that, it's why they don't have to, since they help out when they can. But some people just... Can't. Whether they're sick, or injured, or old, or, I dunno, handicapped somehow."

She nodded. "Were one of ours hampered like that, of course we would house them."

"Just like the Drivers and food, from what you told me. The easiest way to deal with starvation is to feed people."

She shook her head again. "We're getting off track again."

I stopped, checked myself, then chuckled. "Yeah. I think this one really bothers me. The idea that I could be hurting, I dunno, hundreds of thousands of people, or hurting their chances at a happy life, because I wanted to collect the whole set of blonde, brunette, redhead, thick, thin, curvy, and hardbody Orla."

She just laughed at that. "Which would be why we put them through the Trials, love. Cherry's not likely to be getting a Tentacle any time soon."

"Ouch. That bad?"

She shrugged. "Oh, he's faithful enough, but in at least half of the Trials he's... Not hopeless, but not talented in those areas."

Siobhan chuckled, standing as she did so. "And yet again you are pulled away from your talk of taking responsibility for your influence. Which I find noble and thoughtful, but..." I realized right then that she was kinda doing a subtle version of the pee pee dance.

I reached out my hands. "Want me to hold her until you get back?"

"Please and thank you," she said, carefully handing Aoibh to me, then Translocating away.

The predictable happened.

Unfortunately, while Siobhan may have brought spare diapers with her, she'd also taken them along when she stepped away, and apparently the entire 'binge, process, demolish toilet' cycle had become her new norm. Which was something I worried a tiny bit about, but not nearly as much as I worried about, y'know, diaper rash from leaving little Aoibh in a stinky diaper.

By the time I had her change, she woke up, at which point she wanted to nurse, so I nursed her. That... That took a while. I've talked about how time flows oddly in Loki's cave, but I'm not sure he really has any kind of conscious control over it. I sure as shit don't have any conscious control over it in the Bedroom, which I've begun to suspect is the same kind of liminal space as Loki's cave; not quite Mortal Realm, not quite M-Space.

At any rate, Therapy Day became Nursing Day, which ended up with Siobhan rubbing my shoulders and Saffron rubbing my feet while little Aoibh snacked and I just vibed.

Is it weird that I felt better after this one than I have after the past couple Mondays?