The Captain's Dirty Little Secret

Roxie held Angela’s hand for another few seconds before forcing herself to stand, but Angela immediately tightened her fingers around hers.

"Roxie."

Her voice was already begging, and when Roxie looked down at her swollen face, the strands of hair stuck against her wet cheeks and the hand clinging desperately to hers, she nearly sat back down. She wanted to clean Angela’s arms, cover them again and promise that everything could stay inside this room.

Angela had already lost control of so many things. Her picture had been taken from her, the entire school had taken away whatever privacy she had left, and Caleb had just taken away the future she had already started believing in.

Roxie hated the idea of taking another choice from her, but the thought of leaving the house tonight and wondering what Angela might do once the bedroom door closed again terrified her more.

She crouched in front of her and held her face gently. "I’m sorry. I love you, and that’s why I have to tell her."

Angela’s eyes filled again. "You said you understood."

"I do."

"No, you don’t."

The words hurt, but Roxie accepted them because maybe Angela was right. Roxie could never know exactly what had happened inside her head last night. She only knew what it was like to hurt so badly that physical pain became easier to understand than everything happening inside you.

She remembered the bruises she used to hide on her own thighs and how desperately she had wanted nobody to know. But Angela had started cutting herself, and seeing those marks frightened Roxie in a way she couldn’t push aside.

Angela stood too quickly and Karen caught her when she swayed. "I said I’m fine," she snapped. "I mean it this time. Please, my mom cannot know about this."

Karen wiped her cheeks with the heel of her hand. "You meant it every other time too, Angela. That’s what scares me."

Angela’s face crumpled, and Roxie couldn’t stand watching her fight them anymore. She pulled Angela into her arms and held her while she cried against her neck. "You can hate me tomorrow. You can scream at me and tell everybody I’m the worst friend you ever had. I just need you here tomorrow to do it."

That broke Angela completely. She clutched the back of Roxie’s shirt and cried harder while Karen moved around them and wrapped both arms around her from the other side. For a while the three of them simply stood together in the middle of Caleb’s scattered belongings, holding each other while Angela whispered apologies that neither Roxie nor Karen wanted to hear.

Eventually Roxie pulled back and wiped her face. "I’m getting your mom."

Angela closed her eyes. This time she didn’t try to stop her.

Roxie left before she lost the courage.

Every step downstairs felt wrong. Mrs. Hart was in the kitchen with her phone on the counter when Roxie entered, and the moment she saw Roxie alone, she stood.

"What happened?"

Roxie opened her mouth, but the words caught in her throat. Mrs. Hart came closer, fear already settling across her face.

"Roxie?"

"She hurt herself."

Mrs. Hart stared at her for barely a second before running.

Roxie followed her upstairs, her heart pounding as Mrs. Hart pushed Angela’s bedroom door open and crossed the room without asking another question. Angela looked up from beside Karen and immediately pulled both sleeves down.

"Mom, please."

Mrs. Hart sat in front of her and reached for one of her hands. Angela tried to pull away, but her mother held on and carefully pushed the sleeve back. The moment she saw the cuts, every bit of strength disappeared from her face.

Angela started crying again. "I’m sorry."

Mrs. Hart said nothing. She reached for Angela’s other hand, pushed that sleeve back too and stared at both arms while tears slowly filled her eyes. Her breathing became uneven as she looked over each mark, almost as if she needed to make herself understand that they were actually there.

"Mom, please say something."

Mrs. Hart tried. Her lips parted, but nothing came out except a broken breath.

Angela’s face collapsed. "I’m sorry. Please forgive me."

Mrs. Hart shook her head hard, covered her mouth and bent forward as the first sob tore through her. Angela immediately reached toward her, but Mrs. Hart caught her hands again and looked down at the cuts as though she still couldn’t move past them.

Then she suddenly stood and disappeared into the bathroom.

Angela stared after her, frightened, until her mother returned carrying the first aid box. She sat again and tried to open it, but her hands were shaking badly enough that she struggled with the latch.

Roxie stepped forward. "I can help."

Mrs. Hart shook her head without looking up.

Roxie understood and moved back.

Her mother needed to do this herself.

Mrs. Hart took out what she needed and began cleaning Angela’s arms. She worked slowly, wiping her tears against her shoulder whenever they blurred her vision. When Angela winced, Mrs. Hart immediately stopped and looked up at her.

"I’m okay," Angela whispered.

Mrs. Hart closed her eyes.

The words seemed to hurt her more than Angela’s wince had.

Angela lowered her gaze. "Sorry."

Mrs. Hart continued, even more carefully now. Angela had stopped sobbing and simply watched her mother’s trembling hands move over her skin.

"I didn’t mean to scare you," Angela whispered after a while. "I wasn’t trying to die. I promise. I just..."

She stopped because she seemed unable to explain it even to herself.

Mrs. Hart finally looked at her.

Angela immediately started crying again. "I swear, Mom."

Mrs. Hart nodded quickly. She believed her, and somehow that only made Angela cry harder.

"I don’t know why I did it. I was angry and I kept thinking about Caleb and everything he said. Then I kept thinking maybe everybody was right about me. Everything in my head was so loud, and I wanted something I could control for a little while."

Mrs. Hart’s shoulders started shaking again, but she kept working until another clean bandage covered Angela’s skin.

Angela looked down at it. "You’re mad at me."

Mrs. Hart shook her head immediately.

"Then say something."

Her mother tried.

Nothing came.

Her lips trembled until she finally covered her face with both hands, and Angela stared at her as if seeing her mother fall apart was worse than anything she had expected when Roxie went downstairs.

"Mom, please. I wasn’t trying to leave you. I could never do that to you."

Mrs. Hart bent forward, and Angela reached for her.

This time her mother let her.

Angela wrapped both arms around her, and Mrs. Hart collapsed against her daughter as the crying she had been trying to contain finally came out. Angela held her while apologizing over and over until Mrs. Hart shook her head against her shoulder and managed to whisper, "My baby."

"Please forgive me."

Mrs. Hart pulled back, held Angela’s face between both hands and kissed her forehead, then her cheek, then her forehead again. Angela started sobbing as her mother pulled her close and rocked her.

Roxie looked away.

There was something almost unbearable about watching it. Mrs. Hart had spent weeks trying to protect Angela from Bianca, the school, the picture and everyone who whispered about her. Now she was sitting in front of wounds her daughter had made herself while she had been only one floor away.

The front door opened downstairs.

"Kathy?"

Mrs. Hart froze against Angela.

A moment later another voice came through the house.

"Mom?"

Kurt.

Angela immediately pulled away. "No. Mom, please. Kurt is going to freak out."

Footsteps were already coming toward the stairs. Mrs. Hart wiped her face while Angela hurriedly tugged her sleeves lower, but there was no time to hide anything before Mr. Hart appeared in the doorway with Kurt directly behind him.

Both of them stopped.

Mr. Hart was still dressed from work, while Kurt had a jacket thrown over one shoulder. Their eyes moved from Mrs. Hart’s tear soaked face to Angela, then to the open first aid box and the white gauze showing beneath her sleeve.

Kurt dropped his jacket.

"What the fuck happened?"

"Kurt," Mr. Hart said quietly.

Kurt barely seemed to hear him. He crossed the room and stared at Angela. "What happened to you?"

Angela looked down and pulled her sleeve farther over the bandage.

That small movement told him enough.

His face changed. "What did you do?"

Mrs. Hart stood, but Kurt’s fear had already turned into anger.

"What the fuck did you do, Angela?"

She flinched.

Mr. Hart caught Kurt by the shoulder. "Lower your voice."

Kurt pulled away and stared at his sister. "She hurt herself?"

Angela started crying again.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Kurt demanded, his hand shaking as he pointed toward her. "Everybody has been running around trying to protect you. Mom barely sleeps. Dad has been dealing with lawyers every fucking day. I check my phone constantly because I’m scared something happened at school, and then you do this?"

Angela looked like the words had hit her physically.

Roxie moved forward, but Mr. Hart stepped between them first.

"That’s enough."

"No, Dad, it isn’t. She could’ve fucking died."

The anger vanished from Kurt’s voice on the last word.

That was when Roxie understood.

Kurt wasn’t furious because Angela had inconvenienced them. He was terrified because he had come home and found bandages around his sister’s arms, and fear was coming out of him as anger because he had no idea what else to do with it.

Angela wiped her face. "I wasn’t trying to die."

Kurt turned toward her immediately. "How the hell am I supposed to know that?"

"You weren’t here," Angela cried. "None of you were in my room. I wasn’t trying to die."

Kurt stared at her for several seconds before turning away and dragging both hands through his hair.

"Fuck."

Mr. Hart left him there and walked directly toward Angela.

He never looked at the bandages.

He looked only at her face.

"Come here, sweetheart."

Angela’s lips trembled. "Dad."

He opened his arms.

That was all it took.

Angela stood and went straight into them.

Her father wrapped both arms around her and held her close, one hand moving slowly over the back of her head while her crying became quieter against his chest.

"I’m sorry," she whispered.

"I know."

"I scared everybody."

"Yes, you did."

"I didn’t want to."

"I know that too."

Angela pressed her face deeper against him. "I wasn’t trying to die."

Mr. Hart kissed the top of her head. "I believe you."

Her shoulders shook harder.

"You’re here," he murmured. "That’s what I care about right now."

Roxie felt tears sting her eyes again.

Mr. Hart never asked Angela to explain herself. He never asked why she had done it or what she had used. Everyone else had needed answers because they were scared. Her father seemed to understand that Angela had already explained enough for tonight.

He simply held her.

Angela seemed to melt into him.

Behind them, Kurt was still standing near the dresser with his back partly turned. Angela eventually looked toward him from inside her father’s arms.

"Kurt."

He looked away.

"Kurt, please."

His jaw tightened. "I’m so fucking mad at you."

Angela nodded weakly. "I know."

"I want to yell at you, and I want to find Caleb and punch him in the face."

A small, broken laugh slipped out of Angela before she could stop it.

Kurt looked at her then, and his eyes were wet.

"You should have called me."

Angela’s smile disappeared.

"I would’ve come home. I don’t care what time it was or where I was."

"I know."

Kurt rubbed both hands over his face. "If it ever gets that bad again, you call me."

Angela nodded.

Kurt shook his head. "I need to hear you say it."

Angela started crying again. "I’ll call you."

Whatever anger Kurt had been holding collapsed.

He crossed the room and pulled her from their father only enough to wrap both arms around her. Angela hugged him back immediately.

"You fucking scared me," he whispered into her hair.

"I’m sorry."

"I’m still mad."

"I know."

Kurt held her tighter. "I love you."

Angela closed her eyes. "I love you too."

Mr. Hart rested a hand against the back of Angela’s head while she stayed in her brother’s arms. Mrs. Hart stood beside them, still crying quietly, one hand pressed against her mouth.

Roxie looked at the family surrounding Angela and felt her throat tighten again.

Mrs. Hart had barely been able to speak since seeing her daughter’s arms. She had poured everything into cleaning them because her hands could still do something even when her voice failed her. Kurt had come into the room angry because terror had nowhere else to go. Mr. Hart had simply opened his arms and given Angela somewhere safe to fall.

None of them loved her the same way.

But every one of them loved her enough to be terrified of losing her.

Mrs. Hart finally looked toward her husband. Her lips moved several times before she managed a single word.

"Therapy."

Angela stiffened inside Kurt’s arms.

Her mother’s face folded again as she reached toward her.

Angela looked at the trembling hand waiting for hers, then at her father, Kurt, Roxie and Karen.

Karen had been crying quietly beside Roxie the entire time.

Angela swallowed.

"Okay."

Mrs. Hart stared at her.

Angela took her hand.

"I’ll go."

Her mother broke again, but this time Angela moved first. She pulled Mrs. Hart into her arms and held her while she cried, and within seconds her father and Kurt were around them too.

Roxie stayed beside Karen and watched the four of them hold on to one another.

For the first time since she saw the cuts on Angela’s arms, some of the panic inside her loosened.

Angela was still heartbroken. Caleb was still gone. Tomorrow she would probably wake up and remember the breakup all over again.

But tonight everyone knew how badly she was hurting.

She wouldn’t have to hide it alone anymore.