Beastmen Are Crazy, So I Sell Them Therapy

I sat calmly in the very center of the clearing.

Emergency floodlights illuminated only me, leaving everything beyond the circle of light swallowed by darkness. It felt unnecessarily dramatic, but I wasn’t about to complain. If you were going to make an entrance, you might as well commit to it.

Behind me, hidden in the shadows, Gawain stood with one hand resting on a very suspicious-looking thick rope.

Finally, the sound of hurried footsteps echoed through the forest.

"They’re here," Gawain said quietly.

I didn’t even look back. "My hearing works perfectly fine."

A brief silence followed before he sighed.

"Even now, you still haven’t told me what your plan is."

I smiled. "Just trust me."

Gawain stared at me for a long moment.

"...Your smile has zero percent trustworthiness."

He tilted his head slightly.

"Not recommended."

Another pause.

"Zero stars."

I shot him a glare. "Your reviews are unnecessary."

"I’m just simply being honest."

I ignored him and took a few steps forward until I stood directly beneath the lights then looked over my shoulder one last time.

"When I give the signal..."

I pointed at the rope.

"Pull it."

"I’ve suddenly become very concerned, My Lady."

"You always are."

"Because every time you say, ’trust me,’ something explodes."

"That’s a coincidence."

"It has happened nine times."

"Statistics are against me."

"They really are."

Before I could argue, the pounding footsteps grew louder as dozens of students burst into the clearing from every direction.

The moment they spotted me standing under the spotlight, they all yelled at once.

"BLANCA!"

"BLANCA!"

"BLANCA!"

"BLANCA!"

The combined volume nearly ruptured my eardrums.

I pinched the bridge of my nose then shouted back. "CAN YOU ALL STOP SCREAMING MY NAME WHEN YOU’RE LITERALLY STANDING FIVE METERS AWAY FROM ME?!"

The clearing fell silent.

After exchanging awkward glances, the representatives of each class stepped forward one by one like they were lining up to file complaints at customer service.

"What?" I folded my arms.

The representative of Voltes, Zack, was the first to step into the light.

The moment our eyes met, he pointed an accusing finger at me. "You scammed us."

I frowned. "I did no such thing."

"You absolutely did!"

"You didn’t specify what you wanted," I replied with complete confidence.

Zack looked personally offended. "You gave us cup noodles!"

"Yes."

"That’s what we agreed on!"

"Then what’s the problem?"

He took a dramatic step forward. "You forgot one tiny detail!"

"What?"

"HOT WATER!"

The entire Voltes Class immediately exploded with complaints.

"There wasn’t a single kettle!"

"We didn’t even have cups to boil water in!"

"We were holding noodles while questioning every decision that led us to this point!"

I scoffed. "Well... you never negotiated another deal with me."

They all stared at me speechless.

I shrugged. "Or better yet, you could’ve just eaten them raw."

One Voltes student slowly lowered his gaze to the unopened cup noodles he had apparently been carrying around this entire time.

"...Shameless vixen..."

I looked him up and down then gestured at myself. "Are you blind?"

He blinked.

"I’m a leopard."

The student wanted to say something but another student covered his mouth.

I turned to look at Zack. "Next."

Zack looked like he was about to argue until two of his classmates immediately grabbed him by both arms.

"Don’t."

"You’ll lose."

"We’ve been losing this argument since yesterday."

"Come on."

Still glaring at me, Zack was forcibly dragged back into the crowd while muttering promises of revenge that absolutely nobody took seriously.

Gian, the representative of Ralites came forward next, cracking his knuckles.

"You little piece of shi—"

Hoot!

An owl perched above us let out the loudest hoot imaginable.

Gian froze as his eye started twitching.

"...Damn these birds."

He slowly looked up at the tree canopy before closing his eyes and taking a long, calming breath.

When he opened his eyes again, he had somehow forced a smile onto his face that looking at it felt like he was suffering in hell.

"My wonderful... little... friend."

"Go on," I urged him sweetly.

His eye twitched again. "You offered me the most unreasonable deal I’ve ever heard."

"I disagree."

"You literally threatened to steal my class."

"They were willing."

"They’re idiots!"

Several Ralites students immediately protested from behind him.

"We heard that!"

"We’re standing right here!"

"She’s a five-star chef."

"She praises us."

"She cooks."

"You yell too much!"

"The difference is huge."

Gian pretended not to hear them. "The entire class wants you back."

"So?"

"They said if I don’t bring you home..."

He sighed deeply.

"...they’ll skin me alive."

I gave him a sympathetic look. "But you seem unwilling to make me the leader."

His eye twitched again. "You’re not even a student of Ralites!"

"Oh?" I glanced past him toward the rest of his class. "But your classmates seem to treat me like I am."

As if on cue, several Ralites students enthusiastically raised their hands.

"That’s true!"

"We even prepared a tent for her!"

"We’ll even demote Gian!"

I gently patted his shoulder.

He looked like he wanted to strangle me. "You damn—"

Before he could finish, I planted a hand on his shoulder and casually pushed him aside.

He stumbled three steps before another Ralites student caught him.

"Next!"

Gian pointed at me from where he was standing. "I wasn’t finished!"

"Time’s up."

"I still have complaints!"

"You can submit them during office hours."

"What office hours?!"

I ignored him completely and looked toward the next representative in line. "Who’s next?!"

Before anyone else could move, Fredrinn eagerly stepped forward. Then to everyone’s confusion, he suddenly dropped to one knee as if proposing to me

"Stand up," I said flatly. "Before I call the next representative."

He shot back to his feet so quickly it was almost impressive.

"I just wanted to say..." He placed a hand dramatically over his chest. "No matter what happens, I’ll always be by your side."

I frowned.

’...What is this guy talking about?’

I tilted my head.

"Do you want me to call Gawain instead?"

Fredrinn’s face immediately drained of color.

"No thank you."

He took three quick steps backward. Then, without the slightest hesitation, grabbed Derek by both shoulders and shoved him forward.

"Actually, the representative of Soltaire still has something to say!"

Derek had barely stepped forward when I immediately cut him off.

"We had a proper deal."

"I’m not even going to complain," Derek replied with a sigh.

"You... weren’t?"

"You got kidnapped before we even gave you our answer."

I folded my arms. "And?"

Derek shrugged. "No deal."

"...Excuse me?"

"You already taught us how to survive."

He gestured toward his classmates.

"You showed us how to pitch tents."

"You taught us how to start a fire."

"You even showed us how to ration supplies."

"So..." He smiled. "...We’ve decided it’d be much easier to just kidnap you."

The entire Soltaire Class nodded in agreement.

"Well..." I sighed dramatically and spread my arms. "Before you kidnap me..."

My eyes drifted past Derek and straight towards the one person I’d been pretending didn’t exist.

"...Okay," I took a deep breath. "You can kidnap me now."

Derek’s eyes lit up. "Really?"

"Really."

He immediately reached out to grab my wrist but he never got the chance as someone casually shoved him aside.

Derek stumbled three steps before catching himself. "...Hey!"

Standing between us was Ravian, hands tucked casually into his pockets while smiling.

"There you are."

I stared at him. "...Unfortunately."

His smile only widened. "I’ve been looking everywhere for you."

"You could’ve kept looking."

"I found you anyway."

"I noticed."

Without taking his eyes off me, he asked casually, "Is everyone finished borrowing my class flag?"

I immediately frowned. "Borrowing?"

"You’re from Altaire."

He spoke so naturally that it almost sounded reasonable.

"So naturally..."

He extended a hand toward me.

"...it’s time to come home."

Behind him, every representative immediately stepped forward.

"Oh no."

"She’s ours."

"No, she’s ours."

"We found her first."

"We literally raised a hostage rescue team!"

"She still owes us noodles!"

"She owes us leadership!"

"She owes us a response!"

While everyone was busy arguing with each other, I quietly took one small step backward.

Crack!

A dry branch snapped beneath my foot.

Every representative immediately whipped their heads toward me.

"..."

"..."

"...Where are you going?" Derek asked suspiciously.

Gian folded his arms. "Planning to escape again?"

Ravian simply smiled. "Come here, Blanca."

I immediately shook my head. "I’ll get ripped to shreds if I do."

"We’ll be gentle," Zack promised.

I looked at the four representatives standing shoulder to shoulder then at the rest of their classes waiting behind them.

"...I don’t believe any of you."

I slowly raised one finger.

"Don’t."

I pointed directly at them.

"Take."

Another finger.

"A."

Another.

"Single."

And finally...

"Step."

"If you still want to see your flags."

Nobody moved for exactly one second before Derek took a step forward.

I sighed.

"I said don’t take a step if you still want to see your flags!"

Still...

Nothing happened.

I slowly turned toward Gawain yawning while looking bored out of his mind.

"..."

"..."

"Oh."

He scratched the back of his head.

"I forgot."

With absolutely zero urgency, Gawain reached over and pulled the thick rope beside him.

CLANK!

The enormous camouflage tarp behind us was violently yanked away.

Everyone looked up, mouths opening one by one because lined up side by side were four massive Aegis-Class Electromagnetic Launch Platforms.

In simple terms...

Giant modified catapults, each one was aimed directly toward the sky, and strapped securely to each launch cradle...

...was a struggling student with a sack over their head.

"Mph! Mmph!"

"Mmph!"

"Mmmph!"

"MMPH! MMPH!"

The four captives desperately wriggled against their restraints, trying to yell something through the cloth stuffed in their mouths.

All of their eyes widened.

"..."

"..."

"...What?"

Ravian looked at the launch platforms before staring back at me. "...How did you even manage to get those weapons?"

"I have absolutely no idea," I shrugged as I pointed a thumb towards Gawain. "I just told him to bring back the most threatening-looking weapons he could find."

Before Gawain could steal the spotlight and question him, I spread my arms as proudly as an inventor revealing a revolutionary masterpiece.

"Behold!"

I grinned from ear to ear.

"My final business proposal for this exam!"

"Boo!"

A tomato flew straight at my face as I simply tilted my head.

Splat.

It hit the launch platform behind me instead.

"Scammer!"

Then another potato came.

"Con artist!"

Someone threw an empty can.

"Business gremlin!"

Someone else hurled a cup noodle.

"Negotiation terrorist!"

I gasped dramatically. "I prefer the term creative entrepreneur."

"No!"

A slipper somehow joined the barrage.

"Hostage broker!"

"Extortion specialist!"

"Corporate villain!"

I placed a hand over my chest. "You all say the sweetest things."

The Voltes students, never ones to do things halfway, actually began wheeling one of their plasma cannons forward.

"Fire it!"

"We can’t!"

"Why not?!"

"Because Blanca’s standing there!"

"Oh right."

"Use the smaller one!"

Meanwhile, I casually sidestepped everything being thrown at me that it soon became annoying for me.

"Throw one more thing at me..."

I pointed dramatically toward the four catapults.

"...and I will launch your flags into outer space!"

A single chopstick lazily flew through the air and whizzed so close to my face that I felt the wind it made.

"..."

Nobody even looked guilty.

Derek folded his arms. "Go on."

Zack shrugged. "Launch them."

Gian smirked. "We’ll just capture you afterward."

Fredrinn raised a hand. "I don’t support violence, but I want to make you mine."

Even Ravian smiled. "You’re my flag so I don’t care what happens to the rest."

It was my turn who became speechless.