Swallow Hunting

After some deliberation, I boldly ordered a pork cutlet gimbap. Lee Kangjoo only gave a faint smile at my choice.

Maybe it was because of the location, but for street food the price was pretty steep. The taste, though, was just so-so. I wasn’t even that hungry, but I didn’t want to leave food in front of Lee Kangjoo, so I forced myself to finish the whole roll. Maybe my stomach had shrunk lately—despite it being just one roll, I felt uncomfortably full.

On the way back home, it started snowing. At first it was just light pellets, drifting like it’d stop any second. But by the time we reached the middle of the park, the flakes had grown thick enough to blur my vision.

It was that awkward kind of distance—not quite worth taking a taxi. We could’ve ducked into a convenience store or café to wait it out, but that would’ve meant walking back as far as we’d already come. At that point, it was honestly easier to just push through the snow and go straight home.

Lee Kangjoo paused for a moment and looked up at the sky. Even the streetlights were swallowed by the snowfall, hazy like fog.

Maybe he figured walking like this with an injured leg would be too much—or maybe he didn’t like how slow I’d gotten—but he turned back to look at me.

“It’d be faster if I just carried you on my back, Cha Haejun-ssi.”

Then he untied the scarf around my neck and pulled it over my head like a hood, tying it snug under my chin. I ended up looking like I was wearing some kind of makeshift bonnet. Not wanting to meet his eyes at that distance, I hurriedly lowered my gaze. My heart started pounding again like an idiot.

Before, when he acted like this, my whole body would melt. Now my nose stung and my eyes burned like I was about to cry.

Get it together.

I repeated it to myself a hundred times and shook my head.

“No. I’ll walk. I ate a lot, so I should get some exercise anyway.”

“You barely ate one roll.”

“I had a big lunch earlier... And if I’m slowing you down—”

I was going to tell him to go ahead. But the moment our eyes met, the words slipped right back down my throat.

I didn’t know how much time I had left with him. If that was the case, why would I cut it shorter on purpose? I wanted to stay with him—even if it was just for one more second.

“I’ll walk as fast as I can.”

Sniffling with my reddened nose, I answered as brightly as I could. Lee Kangjoo looked like he wanted to say something more, his lips moving slightly, but then he just nodded and turned away. His pace still matched mine.

I’d confidently said I’d walk on my own, but with the temperature dropping so suddenly, the sidewalk was ridiculously slippery. One wrong step and I’d go flying, maybe even crack my ankle again after all the effort it took to heal. I moved carefully, putting all my focus into each step.

“Ah—!”

But it’s not like a messed-up body listens just because you tell it to. I sped up, desperate not to make him wait—and the rubber tip of my crutch slipped, pitching me forward.

Before Lee Kangjoo could even reach out, I went down hard with a loud crash. I managed to lift my foot just in time to protect my ankle, but my palm hit the ground instead, burning from the impact.

My scarf came loose, my hair was a mess—I probably looked pathetic, covered in snow. And of course this had to happen in front of him. I scrambled to get up, but he clicked his tongue and pulled me to my feet first.

He checked me over, then saw my palm—and his brow furrowed deeply. Of all places, I’d fallen on a gravel path, and the skin at the base of my palm was scraped raw and red.

“This is why—!”

He raised his voice—rare for him—but cut himself off with a heavy sigh. Since this was entirely my fault for being stubborn, I just lowered my head, unable to say a word in my defense.

He’d probably scold me. Maybe even get sick of it and just leave.

Even if he did, I shouldn’t feel hurt. Honestly, it would’ve been better if he’d been cold. Easier to get over him that way. If he’d just called me an idiot and left me out here in the cold.

But my expectations were completely wrong.

Lee Kangjoo didn’t scold me. Didn’t get angry. He simply turned his back to me and dropped down on one knee.

“Get on.”

“....”

“You should’ve just done this from the start.”

Like he’d wanted to do it all along, he offered his back so naturally.

I couldn’t say anything. My throat was so tight it felt like if I tried to speak, tears would come out instead of words. I wanted to beg him—please, just be cruel to me. It’d be easier if you were.

If I fell, instead of offering to carry me because the ground was slippery, he should’ve just said, figure it out yourself. He shouldn’t have given me a place to stay just because I cracked my ankle in the first place.

Snowflakes settled on his broad shoulders and back. I wiped at the corners of my eyes with numb fingers. If it were just melted snow, it shouldn’t feel this warm on my skin.

When I just stood there in silence, Lee Kangjoo turned his head. Seeing me standing there holding back tears, he let out another sigh and stood up.

“Should I just carry you in my arms instead...” he muttered, almost to himself.

“...Why are you being so kind to me?”

So I had no choice but to ask. It was a question that had been eating away at me the entire time.

You’re the one who told me to get over you—so why do you keep confusing me like this?

He had been kind to me, consistently, from start to finish. I genuinely couldn’t understand him.

“You told me to move on. I’m really trying my best. But do you even realize you keep getting in the way?”

“Me?”

“Look at this right now. You could’ve just left, but instead you’re offering to carry me. This is why I...”

I’d almost let myself believe he might actually like me.

I clenched my fists, barely forcing down the tangled mess inside me. Mistaking things and confessing, only to get rejected—that was more than enough to go through once. I didn’t need him to spell it out again. I knew exactly where I stood.

“Is that difficult for you?”

He tilted his head, like he genuinely didn’t understand. That harmless tone made the tears I’d been holding back feel like they were about to spill over. I bit down hard on my lip. I didn’t want to cry over the same thing in front of him twice.

“Yes. It is. I really don’t want to like you either. I want to treat you like just another client. But I can’t. So what am I supposed to do? Is all of this really just my fault?”

Instead of tears, a frustrated shout burst out of me. I even started hitting my chest as I vented everything out. Lee Kangjoo looked at me like he’d never heard anything like this before.

“The problem is that you’re too nice to me. It’d actually help if you were a jerk, but instead you’re like this every time—every single day...!”

My resentment ended up directed at him. I knew it was entirely my responsibility, but I wanted to throw the blame at someone. I was already falling apart—if I turned it all on myself, I might actually just walk straight into the ocean and disappear.

If I thought about it, this anger came from self-loathing. I hated the fact that I couldn’t just like him freely.

If I didn’t have debt, could I have stood on equal footing with him? If I’d been an ordinary college student, would things have started differently?

Pointless, optimistic assumptions like that only made my reality feel even more miserable.

“Have you ever considered that what you’re feeling might just be a misunderstanding?”

“A misunderstanding?”

I sucked in a breath. I almost laughed—it was that absurd.

I’d never learned it before, but just like a baby learns how to breathe and walk, I’d naturally come to understand what it meant to love him. Just thinking about him made me happy. I missed him. I wanted to cling to him like we were one body, never be apart. If that wasn’t love, then what the hell was?

“At your age, it’s easy to get swept up in feelings that don’t mean much.”

“That’s not true.”

“I’m telling you to think it through again.”

“...Does it bother you that I lo—like you?”

He said nothing, just looked down at me. His expression didn’t change—but that was answer enough.

I dragged a hand down my face. My fingers were trembling—and it wasn’t just from the cold.

“Why? Do you hate it that much, even if I’m the only one feeling this?”

I wasn’t asking him out. I used to want his lover’s place, sure—but I’d given up on that a long time ago. It was way beyond my place. So I tried to keep it to myself, quietly—but even that, he seemed to hate.

I understood why. Same sex. A guy who sells his body for money. A piece of trash drowning in debt. [N O V E L I G H T] Even I could come up with plenty of reasons.

But no amount of cold, logical reasoning protected me from the pain. Being realistic didn’t stop it from cutting.

“What benefit does that bring to you—or to me?”

“Does everything have to be—”

“Or is this just another method? Since hurting yourself didn’t work.”

At some point, the snow had stopped. Maybe it had just been a sudden squall. With the sky cleared, I could see his face—his expression, his eyes—so much more clearly.

“I get that this is about money. Whatever you do, the method is your choice. But putting forward ridiculous feelings like this is a bit...”

He trailed off.

Then he met my eyes and finished the sentence.

“...pathetic.”

It would’ve been better if the snow had kept falling. Better if the wind had howled.

At least then, his face would’ve been hidden.

At least then, I wouldn’t have had to hear his voice.