Chapter 131 - Fears
After settling down from their intimacy, Lilith laid upon Cassian’s arm, with her gaze fixed on the ceiling above them.
"I know you are expecting me to say that I love you soon," Lilith said suddenly, breaking the silence. "But everyone I ever spoke of loving has left me. Some by their own choice, others taken from me. I am not open to throwing that word around, for I think it is cursed."
She turned her head to look at Cassian, her eyes searching his face for judgment. "Though, I suppose you already know that. Even when we are to have an heir, I would be afraid to say it. I cannot control how guarded I am when it comes to love. You’ll have to wait, and it might be for a long time."
Cassian’s expression softened, his hand brushing lightly against her shoulder. "I’m satisfied with you being at my side."
"Yes, but it is hardly fair for you," Lilith replied, filled with guilt. "You say that, but I look at you and can tell you are waiting to be loved as you should be. One day it will come," she added with fragile hope. "But for now, I will be good to you, as long as you are good to me."
"I don’t mind it, Lilith," Cassian said honestly. "You wear your heart on your sleeve. It is easy to tell what you feel about others, and I already know there will come a day when you shall be confident enough to share how much you love. You don’t need to rush."
Lilith grimaced, the thought unsettling her. "Don’t make me sound so awful. I wouldn’t go around telling everyone I love them. They would think I had gone mad."
Cassian chuckled. Lilith’s horror at the idea was genuine.
"I loved my mother," Lilith admitted, thinking of the person she loved most. "She was the first person I ever loved, and I’m sure that feeling was warm. I haven’t stopped loving her, but that feeling has turned bitter. I closed myself off after so much loss. The feeling that follows isn’t pleasant."
Her eyes glistened, though no tears fell. "I’ve always hated that I became this way, but it protected me. If I don’t love anyone, then I won’t have to face the pain that follows. I don’t lose them if my enemies don’t see me caring for them."
"Lilith," Cassian said, rubbing her arm. "I was granted a second chance at your side. I can be patient, waiting for the day you know you love me and wish to say it. Fortunately, I understand you. I know what you feel without you needing to speak it. If you hated me, you wouldn’t be lying next to me."
"No, you wouldn’t," Lilith agreed with a smile. "I am only trying to be fair to you. I don’t want you moping because I haven’t said the words."
"I am fine, Lilith. Truly," Cassian promised.
"Good," Lilith whispered, turning her back to him.
"No," Cassian said, wrapping his arm around her to pull her back. "We are not doing this again. You are not treating me as though we are in a brothel, ready to dismiss me."
"Oh? Have you entered a brothel?" Lilith asked, glancing over her shoulder.
"You don’t have to enter one to know what goes on there," Cassian replied, settling comfortably once she laid flat against him. "Many men speak of wanting to go after returning from war."
"I would like to see the inside of one," Lilith confessed. "Not to do what is done there, but simply to see. I didn’t leave the castle often. They didn’t want me here, yet they wouldn’t allow me to leave. They only pushed me out to send me to the church."
"And the first place you speak of wanting to visit is a brothel?" Cassian asked, his brow raised. "Is this your way of striking back at the church?"
"Of course not. That would be silly," Lilith laughed, but she wished she had thought of it sooner. "I only thought of it now. There is far more I want to see. I will be hated for it, but I will rid the kingdom of brothels. I hear tales that families send their own relatives there for money."
"I have heard those rumours," Cassian admitted. "Many brothels are backed by nobles and the wealthy."
"I said I wasn’t going to kill anyone else," Lilith murmured. "But I may have to change that decision. I will plan it tomorrow. For now, I want to rest and think about how I will kill Athena. She won’t be hung in my mother’s garden, but she will be elsewhere."
"You would not consider keeping her imprisoned? The state of the dungeon would turn her mad," Cassian suggested.
"No," Lilith said, unwilling to let Athena live a day longer. "She didn’t allow my mother to live in a dungeon. She cruelly took her life, so I shall do the same. For us to go forward, I must rid myself of the past. I will kill them both, and I will do it soon."
"Very well," Cassian agreed, though his tone carried reluctant acceptance. "I suppose once they are gone, I shall have your full attention?"
"Will you?" Lilith asked playfully. "We have a kingdom to give our attention to. I suppose I should try to feed your need to have mine."
Cassian smiled, brushing his thumb across her cheek. "I don’t need all of it. Just enough to remind me that I matter to you."
Lilith’s heart softened at his words. "You do matter more than I let myself say. Perhaps one day I will be brave enough to speak the word you wait for. Until then, I will show you in every way I can."
Lilith relaxed as the peace in the chamber calmed her.
As sleep began to claim her, Cassian whispered, "Take all the time you need. I will be here, waiting."