Counterfeit Hero

Tian Xingjian lay on his bed, fiddling with some equipment. These were electronic components he had just bought and parts he had scavenged from household appliances. Milan lived opposite him, and without some spying and eavesdropping gadgets, what would he do for entertainment at night?

Half an hour later, a crude infrared peeping device with a sound collector successfully passed its debugging stage. Milan hadn’t returned yet, so Fatty instinctively looked next door. Damn it, how come no one was there either? Just as he was getting annoyed, the door to his room opened, and a shadow walked in. From the figure, it seemed to be a woman. Fatty drooled foolishly; a beautiful prey always makes the hunter instinctively raise his gun. Fatty raised his too, then quickly put it down. Pah! Damn it, what’s a man doing walking so seductively! Sissy!

Through the sound collector modeled after a listening device, he heard footsteps in the corridor. Fatty picked up the infrared peeping device and saw a beautiful figure walking towards Milan’s room. No doubt, Milan had returned. He saw her hesitate for a moment, but instead of opening the door, she lightly walked to his door and pressed her ear against it, seemingly eavesdropping. After a long time without hearing anything, Milan seemed a bit disappointed. She stomped her foot, turned back to her room’s door, opened it, glanced back at his room in frustration, and slammed the door shut. The bang made Fatty’s ears ring, and he quickly took off his headphones and rubbed his ears. This sound collector didn’t have the high-pitched isolation function of the listening device. If someone were to set off a bomb now, Fatty’s ears would be destroyed.

In the peeping device, Milan was leaning against her door, peeping through the peephole towards his room for a long while before she angrily walked to her sofa and sat down, crossing her hands, looking sulky. Fatty put on his headphones and heard Milan’s mumbling: "Fatty, if you have the guts to do this for a lifetime..." Suddenly, interference came through the headphones; the sissy next door was singing while bathing. Fatty could only hear Milan’s voice intermittently: "Can’t deceive me... won’t steal... can’t steal..." The sissy next door was still singing emotionally, off-key. Fatty began to wonder whether he had made a sound collector or a moaning collector, as the headphones produced a mixture of noisy sounds. "Damn it, sissy, you’ve ruined my mood twice already!" Fatty angrily took off the headphones.

Looking around, Milan seemed to have no intention of taking a bath. Feeling frustrated, Fatty started preparing his lesson. This was a task assigned by the old prude Boswell, about mecha design courses. If Fatty were to talk about the theoretical stuff, it would not just be sinful misguidance but sheer injustice. Consequently, Boswell wisely had Fatty discuss the practical considerations in mecha design for military use and analyze some mechas as examples.

Bang, bang, faint sounds of knocking came from outside. Someone was knocking on Milan’s door. Fatty quickly jumped up and peeked through his door’s peephole. The electronic peephole clearly showed the situation outside: a lieutenant colonel holding a bouquet was standing at Milan’s door, occasionally fixing his hair and collar. Damn, Fatty was nearly blowing his top. Where did this love rival suddenly come from! The door opened, and as soon as Milan saw the lieutenant colonel, she jumped up in joy with a cheer, throwing herself into the officer’s arms.

Hoping that Milan would toss away the flowers and give the officer two heavy slaps, Tian Xingjian was dumbfounded. He yanked open his door, rushed over, pulled Milan away from the lieutenant colonel, and angrily pointed at the officer: "I don’t care who you are, I challenge you to a duel!" The lieutenant colonel stared in astonishment at the fatty who had run out in underpants, clearly not regaining his senses yet. He stood there, mouth agape and clueless. Milan, hugged by Fatty, was the first to react. Blushing with anger and embarrassment, she shouted, "Let me go!" Fatty too was shocked by his impulsive reaction. Hearing Milan’s shout, he quickly released her. For a moment, the three of them stood there in an awkward silence.

The lieutenant colonel, coming to his senses, looked at Milan with a hint of confusion, smiled at Fatty, and asked, "Who are you? Why do you want to duel with me?" Fatty angrily replied, "You don’t even know who I am, how can you be the third wheel?" The colonel was stunned, pointing at the chunky fatty in underpants, his eyes questioning Milan. Milan’s face turned beet red. She grabbed the colonel’s hand and said, "This person is a lunatic. I don’t know him. Ignore him!" Then, she glared fiercely at Fatty, pulled the colonel inside, and slammed the door.