Thrust Into His Arms

I have already made up my mind to end it here, at this very place where all my torments began. I mean it’s only right. But before that, I need to write down a note.

That is the what most people who commit suicide do. They leave a goodbye letter to their friends and family. Mine would not be anything like that as I just want to congratulate my tormentor for his success in ruining my life. It doesn’t matter whether or not he himself sees it because I know others would, and they would talk about it. I tear out a page from my notepad, took a pen and started scribbling away on the page.

"You said you would ruin me; break me until there is nothing left. I thought it was just a mindless talk, but you really meant it. Surprisingly, I don’t hate you as much as I should in this moment. I’m so tired that I don’t have the strength to feel it. I myself also share in the hate I have for you because none of this would have happened had I kept to myself and had not tried to protect a friend who you forced to betray me in the end. Well note to self. I’m taking that hard lesson with me to the grave.

Was that single instance where I had told you off on your bad bullying attitude reason enough for you to mistreat and continuously assault me the way you did? I have asked that to myself countless times but do not have an answer.

Well say checkmate now because you’ve won. I was still pushing myself to go on even though I was already broken from all your previous bullying. But I can’t continue anymore now, I am beyond broken and chipped away to dust. I do hope that this would haunt you Calix Andre Lamont—

I pause, I don’t know if that is really his middle name. I heard Rex say it one time and had not realized that the information stuck until this moment when it strangely flowed out from my brain for the pen to write.

I continue,

"As well as the school authorities and those who pitched in to make my life hell. I know I would be going to hell because of what I’m about to do, and I’m not afraid.

I will be waiting for you all there."

Turning over the next page, I wrote to my parents, "I’m sorry mom and Dad. Don’t grieve too much."

I concluded, and then removed my sneakers and placed one on top of the note so it will not fly off.

I then climb out of the protective railings, and was now standing on a thin slab of concrete, staring down at nothing particularly. Students hanging around, the spanning forest on the far east side of the school that I never knew about and this building itself would bear witness to what I’m about to do.

I thought I was scared of heights. I don’t get on high rides or a rollercoaster those times when Dad used to take me to the themed park.

The height is not making me feel dizzy or afraid. But instead I’m thinking and calculating on how long it would take for me to land on the ground when I free fall off this place.

It is an insane height, I would most probably die instantly. I really hope so. It would be a bummer and would result in a lot of pain otherwise.

I wished to go lifeless as soon as my body hits the ground. I am reminded of my dreams once again; The high hopes I had and the so-called start to colorful future I had always carved out in my imagination.

This place taught me that there isn’t only just blessing in disguise. There are also curses in disguise as well. The scholarship I had gotten to this school is a great example and it takes the crown.

It is worst than even the worst of nightmares because nightmares only comes in dreams and one has a great chance of fighting them and wake up to see it disappear into nothing. I just had to be so unlucky to experience the awake kind of nightmares that pushed me right into the den of human beasts. I want the peaceful life I had before Krohns. If only it’s possible for me to go back to the time before I even knew it’s name.

What wouldn’t I give for that? Absolutely nothing. I have stopped crying a while ago. I just could not cry anymore despite me wanting to as my heart is heavy and my head is clustered. I wondered why that is for a split second, and the answer came right after. I had no more tears left to cry. So I’m just staring blankly and mulling over how miserable I am.

Looking around one more time, an internal battle ensuing within me. My body tells me to stay put, but a voice is yelling in my mind to do it, giving me running flashbacks of every single thing I had suffered because of Calix as more reasons to. I let out a harsh shaky breath as I take one leg off the slab, holding it in the air, I just need to do that with the other to fall down.

One person points at me, and shortly after, a small crowd had gathered in a frenzy. I am seeing two of the disciplinary committee members. I don’t hear what they are shouting about, but it seems they are telling me not to jump off. The crowd and frenzy kept increasing. The principal just ran to join the party. He is acting like he has a heart attack. I sneered, why are they looking worried? It’s not for me, is it?

No, because it’s what they wanted. Why else did they push me so far to this collapsing point? They are only worried that it would ruin the school’s polished and prestigious image. They can bather up bullying and make it non-existent to people on the outside but it would be much harder to smooth up a case of a student jumping to her death due to excessive bullying.