Chapter 228: Guilt Is Not Love
After being separated from Xue Xingyao for so long, Chen Shujing finally understood his own heart.
He had fallen for Xue Xingyao.
He wanted to spend his whole life with her, raise a family together, and never be apart.
’As for Xiaoxiao... one has to look forward. The most important thing is to cherish the present.’
’He wouldn’t think about Xiaoxiao anymore. He was going to live his own life.’
Chen Shujing lowered his gaze to the auspicious patterns on his robes. Ah Yao had made them for him when they were newlyweds.
She had sewn every stitch herself.
’When she married him, Ah Yao had given him her whole heart.’
’If he hadn’t done those foolish things, they would surely have grown old together, happy for the rest of their lives.’
Though his marriage to Xue Xingyao was brief, Chen Shujing could recall many happy scenes.
The more he reminisced, the harder it was to let go.
’He had to go to Jiangnan. He had to try and win her back one more time!’
Madam Chen stared blankly for a moment. She never thought that the son she was so proud of would stumble over women time and time again.
She couldn’t help but ask, "You act like you’re going to die for every woman you meet, as if you can’t live without her. Are you truly devoted, or are you just fickle?"
Chen Shujing couldn’t answer that question.
’When Xiaoxiao fell ill and passed away, he felt like his own heart had died with her. He thought he would never fall for another woman.’
’But then Ah Yao appeared.’
’His numb heart came alive again.’
’He found himself unconsciously noticing her every move and would often get lost in thought over her.’
’He had been a fool for not realizing his feelings for Ah Yao sooner.’
’He never, ever should have mistreated her like that.’
Chen Shujing pressed his lips into a thin line, saying nothing. His thoughts had drifted off to who-knows-where.
’At that moment, Madam Chen wished her son was the devoted type—the kind who only ever loved Shen Mingxiao. With Shen Mingxiao gone, she could no longer influence Ah Jing.’
’But Xue Xingyao was different.’
’She was still alive and well, and surrounded by a bunch of dead weight.’
’Most importantly, the Chen Family hadn’t looked down on her, yet she repeatedly threw petty fits.’
’It had even escalated to a divorce.’
’When Ah Jing went to Jiangnan to find her, she refused to come back with him.’
’I really don’t know what she has to be so arrogant about.’
’If she didn’t have the Mei family backing her, would she dare to cause such a scene?’
’Madam Chen felt she had misjudged Xue Xingyao. The girl simply didn’t know how to properly assess a situation.’
’To be born of a prestigious family and only think of silly romance... How petty. It’s utterly disgraceful!’
’If a woman like that stays by Ah Jing’s side, who knows how many foolish things he’ll do for her in the future.’
’It would be better to cut ties completely and for them to go their separate ways.’
Madam Chen sighed. "I don’t want to force you, my son. When you went to Jiangnan to find her, I even spoke up for you before the rest of the clan."
"You are the Princely Heir. You must shoulder the great responsibility of our family. Marrying and producing heirs is part of that duty. If Xue Xingyao refuses to come back, then let her be."
She placed a letter from Xue Xingyao in front of Chen Shujing.
"You had just left for Jiangnan when her letter arrived. She demands we keep you in line and forbid you from bothering her again. This is as good as pointing a finger in my face and scolding me for not knowing how to raise my own son!"
Chen Shujing recognized Xue Xingyao’s handwriting at a glance. He averted his eyes, not wanting to read the letter’s contents.
Chen Shujing knew full well what kind of temper Xue Xingyao had. Even without reading the letter, he could guess its contents.
She was frank and always said what was on her mind; she never beat around the bush.
"She didn’t mean to offend you, Mother. Please don’t read too much into it."
’Xue Xingyao’s personality might not be gentle, but she was always respectful to her elders.’
’To say she was scolding you to your face is an exaggeration.’
Madam Chen sneered. "She may not have said it directly, but that was her meaning!"
Chen Shujing replied, "You’re biased against her. You’re deliberately misinterpreting her intentions."
To see her own son constantly defending an outsider truly stung Madam Chen.
’How did I give birth to such a good-for-nothing who sides with outsiders?’
’If Xue Xingyao were on his side, it would be one thing for him to defend her.’
’The woman wants nothing to do with him, yet he still chased her all the way to Jiangnan and is now defending her. If that’s not foolish, what is!’
Madam Chen’s tone was resolute. "For the sake of the Chen Family’s reputation, you are forbidden from seeking her out again. If word of this gets out, we’ll be a laughingstock!"
’Heaven knows how mortified she was when she received that letter.’
’If Ah Jing remains this obstinate, not only will we be a joke to outsiders, but Xue Xingyao herself will become insufferably smug.’
’If we let her return to the Chen Family, she’ll walk all over us!’
"She wrote that we should use any means necessary to keep you here at home. Ah Jing, can’t you see the situation clearly?"
’A bitter taste filled Chen Shujing’s heart. Was he really that awful?’
’Ah Yao didn’t even want to see him...’
"Mother, I won’t marry anyone else."
’He had to try again.’
’Even a block of wood like Pei Yan could succeed. Why couldn’t he?’
A mother knows her son best. Seeing the resolve on her son’s face, Madam Chen knew exactly what he was planning.
"Give up on that idea. Your father has said that until the day you take a wife, you are not to step one foot outside the Chen Family’s gates!"
’They were going to place him under house arrest.’
Chen Shujing’s face fell. "Mother, must you really do this?"
Madam Chen looked heartbroken. "It is you who can’t see reason, forcing us to take this step. Ah Jing, you’re not a child anymore. You can no longer be so willful."
"In three days, we will be hosting a banquet. All the guests will be eligible young ladies, each more talented than the next. Ah Jing, you must not be absent."
’If he doesn’t want someone who looks like Shen Mingxiao, then we’ll find him someone with talent.’
’It was Shen Mingxiao’s talent that caught Ah Jing’s eye back then.’
’Only a woman of substance is worthy of becoming a daughter-in-law of the Chen Family.’
’As for Ah Jing... if he could transfer his affections to Xue Xingyao, he can certainly transfer them to another young woman. It’s only a matter of time.’
Madam Chen was certain that her son was clinging to Xue Xingyao out of guilt.
’Because of his deception, Xue Xingyao had lost a child. That was a heavy weight on Ah Jing’s conscience.’
’Later, during the Xue Family’s troubles, Ah Jing helped, but Xue Xingyao was still gravely injured.’
’He’s soft-hearted; he must have taken all the blame upon himself.’
’Aside from guilt, he was probably also just not used to being without her.’
’She was his first and proper wife, the one he had formally and properly wed. There was a fundamental difference between her and other women.’
Madam Chen thought it over and over, but she couldn’t find any proof that her son truly loved Xue Xingyao.
"Don’t mistake guilt and habit for deep love. That’s truly foolish," Madam Chen said.
Chen Shujing’s face turned ashen. In his mother’s eyes, his feelings for Ah Yao were nothing more than a foolish mistake.
’What more was there to say?’
’No one cared what he thought. No one supported him and Ah Yao getting back together.’
’Since his own mother didn’t care about his feelings, there was no need for him to feel so conflicted.’
Chen Shujing rose and bowed to his mother. "Mother, your son has been unfilial. From now on, you and Father need not worry yourselves over my affairs."
Madam Chen’s face darkened. "So after all that, you’re still going after Xue Xingyao?"
"I must."
’He was the one who had wronged Ah Yao. He had to go and beg for her forgiveness.’
’As long as Ah Yao could forgive him, he would be willing to climb a mountain of knives or plunge into a sea of fire.’