Chapter 113: An Apology
Now, the memory answered for him.
"So you can see clearly," the voice said. "So you are not controlled by what you feel... but understand it."
Kelly’s shoulders dropped slightly. "Stay here," the voice whispered. "Don’t rush. Depth comes with stillness." For the first time in a long while, Kelly didn’t try to fix anything. He simply sat. And watched. However, after barely a minute, he felt stuck as if it wasn’t going anywhere. He realized just how much more impatient he had become. Before, he could have sat like this for at least a few minutes before deciding he was bored. But now? Now, even holding this state for a single minute felt like resistance itself was pushing against him. His breath hitched. And then he saw it. A faint shadow of a wolf. Its outline flickered like smoke, unstable and shifting, yet its presence was unbearably heavy, pressing directly against his mind. Its eyes burned not with simple rage, but with something far deeper. Instinct. Pride. Hunger. It felt like it was laying siege to his consciousness itself, and Kelly could feel it...it was winning.
His focus broke for a split second, and the pressure surged violently. His thoughts spiralled again,
’You’re weak... Take control... Dominate, or be dominated.’
His jaw tightened. His breathing became uneven again.
"It’s winning..." he muttered under his breath. For a moment, panic clawed its way up his chest. Then,
"Kelly..." His grandfather’s voice returned, clearer this time. Not just a memory. Something steadier. Something anchored deep within him.
"You think the mind becomes still because the world is quiet?" the voice said gently.
"No. It becomes still because you learn how to stand within the storm." Kelly forced his attention back. "Inhale," the voice guided. "Slowly." He obeyed.
But this time... something was different. The air felt heavier. Denser. It no longer felt like he was breathing in just oxygen. As he inhaled, there was a faint sensation not just air filling his lungs, but something finer. Something subtler. Like a cool current slipping quietly through him. Mana.
He hadn’t noticed it before, but now that he focused, he could feel it.
’Right... there is mana in this world. Breath is not just breath. It carries mana... and more. Do not just breathe air... I have to focus on receiving what flows within it.’
Kelly inhaled again, slower this time. The cool current followed. Now, he paid attention to where it went, not just into his lungs, but spreading outward, upward. It brushed against the tension in his chest, the tightness in his head.
"Guide it," the voice returned. "Your attention is the path."
Kelly concentrated, awkwardly at first. He imagined the breath no, the mana moving with intention.
He Inhaled again this time, The cool current rose from his chest toward his head. For a brief second, the chaos softened. The wolf’s pressure didn’t disappear, but it faltered. It wasn’t as heavy anymore.
’Why does this work?’
Kelly asked himself. The voice continued, as if answering a question he hadn’t fully formed.
"Because your mind and your breath are not separate. When your breath is wild, your thoughts follow. When your breath is steady... the mind begins to obey."
Another inhale, Deeper then ever. The mana felt clearer now like a faint stream instead of scattered droplets.
"When you bring awareness to it," his grandfather said, "you are giving your mind something stronger than impulse. Something steady. Something you can return to."
Kelly exhaled slowly, applying all of his grandfather’s teachings to mana itself. The tightness in his chest loosened, if only a little. The wolf lunged again. A surge of anger flared hot, sharp, immediate. But this time, Kelly saw it. Not as himself. As something rising within him.
"Inhale," the voice reminded.
He did. The cool current met the heat. Not fighting it. Not suppressing it. Balancing it. The fire didn’t vanish, but it stopped spreading.
"You are not the anger," the voice said firmly. "You are the one who sees it."
Kelly’s breathing steadied. Again. Inhale... guide the current upward. Exhale... release the tension. Each cycle felt... different. Faster than it should have been.
What should have taken months maybe even years was happening in mere moments. The mana wasn’t just calming him; it was amplifying his awareness, reinforcing every small act of control as if each one mattered far more than it should. It felt like training with invisible weights attached to every thought.
The wolf snarled, its shadowy form flickering less violently now. It pushed against him again, but this time with less intensity.
And Kelly didn’t react immediately. He watched. He felt and He continued breathing.
"In this state," his grandfather’s voice softened, once explaining what he himself felt when he maintained Dhyana, "you are entering deeper meditation. Not by escaping what disturbs you... but by seeing it clearly, without becoming it."
Kelly could feel it exactly as his grandfather had described. His spine straightened unconsciously. His hands, still resting on his knees, no longer trembled. The shadow was still there. Still dangerous. But no longer overwhelming. For the first time since it had appeared. It wasn’t in control.
"Sorry for startling you... and about before."
Kelly’s sudden words completely took Kei by surprise. She stared at him, her mouth opening like a stunned fish. And seeing that reaction, Kelly felt strangely amused.
For the first time in a while, his cold expression softened slightly. The corner of his lips lifted just a little.
"Huh...w-what did you say?"
Kei asked almost panickily.
For a moment, she genuinely couldn’t identify the person standing before her.
The last time she had looked at him, he had felt like a statue cold, rigid, and looking down on the world like his nose was permanently pointed at the sky.
But now...
Now, she could at least see something that reminded her of the Kelly from before the fall.
The changes were still massive, yes.
But somehow, he didn’t feel quite as annoying anymore.
"I’m not going to say it again... forget it."
"Huh I mean, you better be sorry."
Kei replied hurriedly, trying to cover up her own confusion.
"By the way, you were saying something."
Kelly spoke again, mostly to avoid the awkward silence beginning to form between them.
"Huh... no, I wasn’t. I mean it doesn’t matter to us anyway now."