Chapter 149: Can You Just Love Me?
Ashley lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling with a deep exhale. She glanced to her side, where Lucian was, only to see him lying flat on his back, eyes closed.
"You’re not even sleeping," she muttered, clicking her tongue as she looked back at the ceiling. "Seriously."
Slowly, Lucian’s eyes cracked open, sliding to the side.
He had tried telling her about Primo’s concern, but failed miserably. How could Lucian bring it up when even he didn’t know the answer? Going by paper was easy, but wasn’t he the one who told her to stay out of Primo’s business in the beginning?
"It’s nothing," he said after a prolonged silence, though she didn’t look at him.
She pressed her lips together, giving him a glance after a moment.
"It’s nothing—tsk! You and I both know it’s not nothing," she huffed faintly, rolling onto her side to face him. Ashley propped her temple against her knuckles.
"Lu, you promised we’d be honest in this marriage! How could you keep information from me?" she complained, clearly not impressed with his answer. "You keep looking at me like there’s something you want to say, but you’re not saying anything at all!"
Lucian gulped, listening to her complaints.
A moment later, his mouth parted, but his voice wouldn’t come out. It wasn’t that he was afraid of her answer. Yet, his voice just wouldn’t cooperate.
"Fine, fine!" she clicked her tongue for the umpteenth time, glaring at him. "Gee!"
Ashley threw herself back down, pulling the blanket over her shoulder. She turned her back on him, tugging it further until his foot was left exposed.
Lucian arched a brow, glancing at his foot peeking out from under the blanket, then at her back.
"Are you upset?" he asked, even though he already knew the answer.
She didn’t respond, nor did she move. Lucian carefully raised a hand and tapped her shoulder with his index finger.
Still, no answer.
Lucian stared at her back before sighing helplessly. He rolled back and leaned against the headboard. When he glanced at her again, helplessness swelled in his chest.
How was he going to say it?
He thought about it, trying to articulate his thoughts. "It’s not that I don’t want to say it," he started, his voice low, gentle, and patient. "I simply... don’t know how."
Ashley, who was pretending to sleep, raised her brows. Then she quickly rolled back and sat up, facing him.
"Why don’t you know how to say it?" she asked, only to see him shrug. "Is it... bad news?"
"No," he answered right away. "It’s... very simple."
She blinked, studying his handsome face that showed nothing but sincerity. He looked her in the eye without any sign of deception. Rather, his gaze told her there were so many things he wanted to say, but couldn’t.
Or rather, like he said... he just didn’t know how.
Classic Lucian.
Ashley pressed her lips into a half-smile and nodded. "Want me to teach you how to say things?" she tilted her head, and his brows rose slightly.
"Hehe. How do I start?" she rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "How about this? I’ll say the things that sometimes cross my mind."
Curiosity shone in his eyes as he watched her clear her throat and crawl closer. Once she was leaning against the headboard beside him, Ashley hummed.
"You know, sometimes I find Nolan very chatty," she began. "Don’t get me wrong, I like Nolan, and I’d be there for him if he ever needed me. But when I first met him, he was so formal! I thought no-nonsense bullshit would ever come out of his mouth. But lately, I dread whenever he starts talking about his hometown!"
Lucian blinked, listening to her sentiments—though he agreed. Nolan had been more talkative lately and a lot more relaxed.
"Then those five bums across the street!" she went on. "Those ungrateful little shits! I was very nice to them, but they keep giving me attitude!"
She clicked her tongue, thinking Red wouldn’t even be alive today if she hadn’t interfered during the ambush. But that guy still kept giving her attitude.
Thinking about it, she ended up chuckling, smiling. "But that’s okay, I guess. It’s better to have them around, getting worked up over the littlest things." She turned to Lucian, her smile widening. "Because that means they’re alive and well."
"Haha. Then sometimes, whenever I see Gustav, I wonder how many times he’ll glare at me and how red his face will get," she giggled, enjoying saying things she normally kept to herself. "He’s so easily annoyed, especially when it comes to you."
Ashley turned to him, finding this surprisingly enjoyable—almost forgetting why she started in the first place. She was saying all this to show him it was okay to speak, even if the thoughts seemed unnecessary.
But seeing the curiosity in his eyes as he listened so attentively made her smile fade slightly.
"Sometimes... I also think about Primo," she hummed, peeling her gaze away from him. "And whenever I think about it, I feel sorry."
She pressed her lips together as her voice softened, her mood mellowing. Talking about others was easy and fun, but when it came to them, it was different.
"When I look at Primo, I feel sorry for everything," she whispered, her eyes softening at the thought of the little boy. "It might be presumptuous to even say that, because clearly, he has everything. He has you, someone who would give him the world and protect him from it. And he has Dominion... who would lay down their lives for him."
She pulled her legs up, resting her arms on her knees.
"He has nice things, and money will never be a problem for him in the future," she continued, clutching the sheet lightly. "But he doesn’t talk... and I’m always worried that I might end up hurting him with what I’m doing—with my decisions."
She pursed her lips, eyes lowering. "Sometimes, I wonder if I’m being too much... or if I’m just telling myself I’m doing enough as an excuse."
"I think about those things," she let out a dry laugh as she turned to him, only to see him still staring at her. "You know what I also think about sometimes?"
Lucian tilted his head slightly, curious. This was probably the first time she had let him into her headspace.
She chuckled. "Us."
"Us?"
"Mhm." She nodded, looking away again. "I lost count of how many times I stopped myself from asking..."
She paused, her voice quieter now. "...can you just love me?"