Chapter 185: Dying In Your Arms
"What?" Jun Haoxuan stared at Ningyan, genuinely stunned like he couldn’t quite believe the question he had just been asked.
Then he looked closer and the realization hit.
Ningyan wasn’t joking.
"...You aren’t...." Haoxuan said slowly, his brows pulling together. "What do you mean by that?"
Ningyan let out a long, tired exhale. He released Haoxuan’s face and turned away, already intending to end the conversation but Haoxuan caught his arm.
"Make me understand you," he said, his voice quieter now. "I want to understand you."
Ningyan blinked and glanced back at him. "I am making you understand me."
Haoxuan’s grip tightened.
"You asked me if you were Lan Yunlai.... if I would still..." He stopped himself, his expression tightening. "That’s not a simple question."
Ningyan smiled softly. But there was something sharp beneath it.
"Then let’s make it simple," he said. "Just admit you’d kill me if I practiced demonic qi."
Haoxuan’s expression shifted immediately.
There it was.
That answer... Written all over his face before he even spoke.
Ningyan saw it. Of course he did. And for some reason, that was enough.
He was pushing and testing. But he didn’t stop.
The truth was, he was afraid.
Not of Haoxuan. Not now. But of what he could become.
He had already crossed a line. Killing Jun Yongrui with such strength hadn’t shaken him. Not really.
There was no hesitation. No guilt. That was what unsettled him.
Because what if next time... there was no line left at all?
What if he became something worse? Something they would have to stop?
Jun Haoxuan was still watching him with a thoughtful expression on his face.
Slowly, he released Ningyan’s wrist and Ningyan hated that.
The absence of that contact. The distance.
It settled too easily between them.
The future was shifting and Ningyan didn’t like the direction it was taking.
Book Ningyan.... Even when he had been powerful. Even when he had lost himself... He hadn’t fought back.
Why?
Because he loved them and they still killed him.
Ningyan turned toward the bed but Haoxuan moved first.
An arm wrapped around his waist, pulling him back. His back pressed against Haoxuan’s chest as warmth enveloped him completely.
Ningyan stiffened.
His breath caught as Haoxuan buried his face against the side of his neck, his presence suddenly overwhelming in its closeness.
"Haoxuan..."
"I told you that night," Haoxuan murmured quietly. "What I feel for you. How much I want to protect you... how much I want you to be mine... and for me to be yours. But to think you believe I would hurt you..."
His voice dipped. "...that hurts me."
Ningyan’s heart stuttered.
There was something in Haoxuan’s tone, something raw, something unguarded, that made it difficult to respond.
"You..." Ningyan started, but the words didn’t quite come.
Haoxuan didn’t let go.
"If you were doing what Lan Yunlai is doing," he continued, his voice steady despite the quiet emotion beneath it, "even then... I would not hurt you."
A breath against Ningyan’s skin. "I would help you in any way I can."
Ningyan’s fingers twitched at his sides.
"What if..." he asked, his voice barely above a whisper, "I can’t be saved?"
There was no answer.
But Ningyan felt it. The faint curve of a smile against his neck.
Haoxuan’s arms tightened around him.
"I would save you anyway," he said. "Even if it ends with me dying in your arms."
Ningyan froze completely.
Slowly, hesitantly, his hands lifted, resting over Haoxuan’s where they were wrapped around him.
A small smile formed on his lips, almost involuntary. His head dipped slightly, white strands of hair falling across his face.
He hadn’t expected that answer.
He didn’t know what to do with it or how to respond to something so absolute.
But... it eased something. That tight, suffocating weight in his chest.
It was enough for him to breathe again.
His fingers curled, resolve settling quietly beneath the warmth.
He would change it.
This path. This ending.
Lan Yunlai. The demon qi. All of it.
He would break it before it could take everything from him.
He didn’t say any of that aloud.
Instead, he simply stayed there for a moment longer.
Then, at some point, without realizing when, Ningyan fell asleep, sprawled carelessly across Haoxuan’s bed completely unguarded.
Haoxuan did not sleep.
Scrolls lay open before him, ink and parchment scattered across the table as the weight of the throne demanded his attention.
But his focus... kept drifting again and again back to the bed to Ningyan. To the quiet rise and fall of his breathing. And to the words that refused to leave his mind.
Jun Haoxuan did not understand Ningyan’s fear.
Not truly.
He did not know that Ningyan knew a future where he would be killed by the very beasts he loved.
What he understood instead... was simpler.
That Ningyan did not trust that he would stay. That if a wrong choice was made... if his path turned dark, Jun Haoxuan might not stand beside him.
So he made a decision.
No matter what came he would stay. He would protect him. Stand with him. Love him.
The night stretched on.
Scrolls piled, ink dried, and the weight of the throne demanded his attention but eventually, even that came to an end.
Jun Haoxuan rose and walked toward the bed.
Ningyan lay sprawled across it without restraint, limbs loose, completely unguarded like someone who had finally allowed himself to rest.
A faint smile touched Haoxuan’s lips. The flower Jun Sheng had tucked into Ningyan’s hair was still there.
He stood there for a moment just watching. Then he moved closer, climbing onto the bed and settling beside him carefully.
His fingers lifted, brushing lightly against Ningyan’s cheek, pushing away the stray strands of white hair that had fallen across his face.
Ningyan didn’t stir. His breathing remained slow, even and peaceful.
Haoxuan’s gaze softened.
There was something about this.... about him that made his chest ache in a way he hadn’t expected.
It hadn’t even been that long and yet, he had missed him.
More than he should have. More than he was willing to admit aloud.
His hand slid down, coming to rest gently over Ningyan’s chest.
A soft blue glow bloomed from his palm, spreading slowly across Ningyan’s body.
The energy sank into him like calm water, smoothing the unseen fractures beneath the surface.
Ningyan’s lips curved faintly in his sleep as if for the first time in days he felt relief.
Haoxuan exhaled quietly and stayed there watching. Making sure it lasted.