Worth the Candle

“Wow!” clapped the Dungeon Master. “What a twist!”

Grak had been standing in a building at Speculation and Scrutiny only moments ago. Now he was in a white void. He looked around briefly, then his eyes settled on the man. He was wearing a hoodie with a handgun on it whose rounds were apparently made of dice. It was a ‘loaded dice’ pun.

“Alright,” said the Dungeon Master. “We’re in a non-canonical timeline, you won’t remember any of this, it’s your time to shine, Grak.”

“I do not consent,” said Grak. He sat down on the ground, folding his legs beneath him.

“Right,” said the Dungeon Master. “I hear that. But we’re kind of here for a reason. I want you to get people interested in the canon timeline.”

“I do not consent,” repeated Grak.

“Grak, buddy, come on,” said the Dungeon Master. “We just had a major reveal here! The dream-skewered don’t exist. Bam! Think how long that had been waiting, simmering! What does that mean? What’s going to unravel from that? How is it possible? Why would someone engage in this deception for hundreds of years?”

Grak stayed silent.

“You know, this is kind of your book,” said the Dungeon Master. “I mean, to the extent that you have a book, of the eight books, this one is probably yours. Lots of character development for the grumpy dwarf, as Pallida puts it.”

Grak sniffed.

“Come on, aren’t you intrigued about who Pallida is? ‘Whoa, a new character, who is that, I bet she has a cool hat’, can’t you give me something here?” The Dungeon Master kept looking at Grak expectantly.

Grak only looked the Dungeon Master up and down, then returned his gaze to the middle distance.

“Alright,” said the Dungeon Master. “I’m going to say it. It’s a little bit of a spoiler. Should I say it?”

The dwarf did not respond in any way.

“This is the book where you go back to Darili Irid,” said the Dungeon Master. He spread his arms and gave a wide, open-mouthed smile. “Grak, please, come on, the return to Darili Irid is like, Book 1 shit, we’re paying it off, isn’t that something? Your whole stated goal for years on end and you’re going back? It’s not like, the main thrust of the book or anything, but that’s got to be worth something, right? You don’t have any questions about it?”

“I don’t consent to this,” said Grak. A bit of sadness had come over him.

The Dungeon Master rolled his eyes. “Alright, I didn’t want to have to do this, but I’m pulling in backup.”

He snapped his fingers and Fenn appeared.

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“— s,” she finished. She straightened up slightly, then looked at the Dungeon Master, then at Grak. “Huh. I’m back?”

“Yeah,” said the Dungeon Master. “Grak is not about this.”

“Didn’t you say something about this not being a permanent thing?” asked Fenn.

“Yeah,” said the Dungeon Master. “But you’re a showman, and Grak doesn’t want to do it, so he’s going to have to sit there and see how it’s done.”

“Chair me,” said Fenn.

Two chairs materialized, and Fenn sat in one of them, with the Dungeon Master taking the other.

“Alright, we’re doing the same thing?” asked Fenn. “Trying to explain to the audience why they should be invested or whatever?”

“Something like that,” said the Dungeon Master.

“First off, we fucking delivered on the sex scenes, huh?” asked Fenn. “Non-stop horny fucking between me and Juniper. Libidos were satisfied, let me tell you that.”

“Less swearing,” sighed the Dungeon Master. “And the audience doesn’t see everything.”

“Not even when I —” began Fenn.

The Dungeon Master held up a hand.

“I should finish that sentence though,” said Fenn. “People are going to think it was more lewd than it was.”

“No,” said the Dungeon Master.

Fenn shrugged and returned to addressing where she thought the audience was. “Anyway, best girl — that’s me — won, and I’m going to stay winning.”

“Erm,” said the Dungeon Master.

Fenn whipped her head to look at him. “What’s that, what’s ‘erm’?”

“Nothing, nothing,” said the Dungeon Master.

“Oh god, he’s going to cheat on me, isn’t he?” asked Fenn. She balled her hand into a fist. “That bastard. I gave him my virginity!”

“It’s not that,” said the Dungeon Master. “And also, you definitely didn’t give him your virginity, you had a kid.”

“Amaryllis had a kid, and she’s a virgin,” said Fenn with the full might of smug satisfaction she could muster.

“Are you trying to convince me, god of known existence, omnipotent and omniscient, that you were a virgin when you met Juniper?” asked the Dungeon Master.

“I could have been,” said Fenn, folding her arms. “You don’t know.”

“You weren’t,” said Grak from the floor.

“Grak!” asked Fenn. “You wound me. I had sort of thought you were a hyper-detailed Grak-shaped carving.”

“I am not,” said Grak.

“Well come on, have some fun, live a little,” said Fenn. “This is your chance to shine.”

“No thank you,” said Grak. “I don’t enjoy being yanked around.”

“Feh,” said Fenn. She turned back to the Dungeon Master. “I said I was going to stay winning and you said, ‘erm’, you’re just going to leave it at that? What are people going to think? They’ll think something bad will happen to me! Like I’ll lose! No one wants to see me lose.”

“This is true,” said the Dungeon Master. “Look, I personally promise that nothing bad happens to anyone.”

“Did you just have your fingers crossed?” asked Fenn. She looked over at Grak. “He had his fingers crossed.”

“We’ve got new characters, new locations, a few great fight scenes, a great bunch of worldbuilding and magic systems, really just peak Worth the Candle,” said the Dungeon Master.

“What’s that?” asked Fenn.

“That’s … you know what, nevermind, I almost would have been better off just monologuing at Grak,” said the Dungeon Master.

“Before we’re done, I just have one more thing,” said Fenn.

“Sure,” sighed the Dungeon Master.

“Penis,” said Fenn.