My Life in Wednesday With a Vampire System

"If you're a man, come and fight me, bitch," Deep said, rolling his shoulders.

Ethan stopped walking. The takeout bag slipped from his hand and landed on the pavement. Slowly he turned around, a faint red glow appearing in his eyes.

"What the fuck did you just call me, you fish-fucking bastard?"

For the first time since approaching him, Deep felt a chill run down his spine. It felt like he had just kicked a sleeping tiger.

Unfortunately he had already committed — backing down wasn't an option. Besides, he convinced himself the earlier throw had only happened because he wasn't paying attention. This guy was still just some random civilian as far as he knew.

The next second Ethan disappeared. Deep's eyes widened. Then Ethan was standing directly in front of him.

Acting on instinct, Deep threw a punch. It never landed. Ethan caught it effortlessly, a smile spreading across his face.

"For bastards like you, traditional washing is the only way to remove the filth."

"Traditional washing?"

Before he could understand what that meant, Ethan lifted him off the ground with one hand and smashed him into the pavement.

The street cracked. Deep barely had time to react before Ethan lifted him again and slammed him into the opposite side of the road. Concrete shattered. A parked car alarm started blaring.

Lifted. Slammed. Lifted. Slammed.

The road looked like it had been hit by artillery.

"This," Ethan said, driving him into the pavement once more, "is called washing."

Deep felt the air leave his lungs. "Y-you—"

"For normal things, soap and water are enough." Ethan lifted him again. "But some stains need extra effort."

Deep crashed down hard enough to create another crater. At this point he wasn't even trying to fight back — he was too busy wondering how a normal human being was doing this to him.

Ethan looked down at him. "See? The dirt still hasn't come out yet." He grabbed Deep once more. "Now it's time for spinning."

He grabbed both of Deep's legs and started spinning. Fast. Very fast. The entire street became a blur as buildings, cars, and streetlights merged together.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Deep immediately felt sick. The faster Ethan spun him, the worse it became. At some point he stopped trying to struggle and started focusing on not throwing up.

"P-please stop!"

Ethan ignored him. "Good. The dirt is starting to come loose."

A few more seconds passed before he finally stopped. Deep's eyes were spinning. His brain was spinning. Even his soul felt like it was spinning.

Unfortunately, Ethan wasn't done. "Now comes the hard part. The drying process."

"The wha—"

Ethan let go. Deep shot into the sky.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

His body disappeared upward so fast a shockwave echoed through the street. Ethan placed his hands in his pockets and watched. Higher. Higher. Higher. Soon Deep became a tiny dot in the sky.

Looking at the distant speck, Ethan was suddenly reminded of Pokémon. Specifically Team Rocket. The resemblance was almost perfect — all that was missing was the dramatic speech.

A few seconds later the dot vanished completely.

Ethan nodded to himself. "Yep. He's blasting off again." Then he picked up the takeout bag and continued walking home.

***

After getting home, Ethan opened the front door and immediately saw a blur of blue rush toward him. The takeout bag vanished from his hand. Aqua had stolen it before he even stepped fully inside.

She was already sitting on the couch with the food spread out, several empty bottles scattered across the table. Her face was slightly red, her posture completely unladylike, and whatever dignity she possessed as a goddess had apparently been left behind several drinks ago.

Ethan's eye twitched.

"Hehehehe..." Aqua laughed, tearing into the food. "I should stay here forever. Free food, free drinks, free house. This world is amazing."

Ethan closed the door behind him.

"And aren't you happy too?" she asked, pointing at herself proudly. "You get to share a house with my beautiful self."

"No fucking way."

The answer came so fast Aqua looked personally offended. "Don't be embarrassed."

"I am not embarrassed."

"You are."

"I am not."

Aqua leaned closer, her face red from alcohol, words starting to slur together. "Come on... tell me honestly... am I beautiful?" She nudged him repeatedly with a smug expression.

"Tell me." Nudge. "Tell me." Nudge. "Tell me." Nudge.

Ethan's patience ran out. His hand shot forward. Karate chop.

"Ow!" Aqua grabbed her head.

"It seems you're a troublesome drunk."

"Violence!"

"Eat your food and go to sleep."

"Violence against a goddess!"

"Or I'll throw you outside."

Aqua instantly went quiet. Not because she was intimidated. Because she was busy considering whether Ethan would actually do it. The answer was yes. She knew the answer was yes.

With a grumble, she returned to eating, happily stuffing food into her mouth again as if nothing had happened.

"If only she kept her mouth shut, she would be more likable," Ethan thought.

At this point, he was convinced water-related people existed solely to make his life harder.

First there was Deep, a man whose entire personality revolved around fish. Then there was Aqua, a goddess who spent most of her time drinking, eating his food, and creating problems.

A moment later, another thought entered his mind.

Homelander.

More specifically, the movie.

The annoyance vanished almost instantly.

Nothing was going to stop that project. Not dimensional cracks, not monsters dropping out of the sky, and not Aqua's endless nonsense.

Sooner or later, the world's greatest superhero was going to star in Ethan's masterpiece

The thought alone was enough to put him in a better mood.

***

A/N: And on Patreon, The Boys arc started.

The Patreon version is already updated with 46 advanced chapters. If you'd like to read ahead of the public release schedule, you can join here:

👉 /JamesA211