The Good Goblin

I know that I have spoken about the wedding. But I haven’t really spoken much about Kiyui and I. After everything that happened, I really feel like our relationship has matured a lot. I think we communicate with each other much better.

After the events at the ruins, we said to each other that we would always talk to each other if something is wrong and that we would always be honest with each other. I know it is a bit of a cliché, but just being honest with him about my feelings… without holding everything back through fear of what he might think of me… it has allowed me to feel so much more comfortable. It has prevented my mind from spiralling off in all sorts of paranoid directions and it has allowed us to deal with problems while they are still little instead of waiting for them to blow up into a whole thing.

I can tell that Kiyui has been doing the same. He has always been an open book about a lot of things. A little too open sometimes. But there were always things that he held back… he was never good at communicating his more negative emotions. Things he was afraid of, things that were getting him down. He would simply try to block them out by distracting himself with sex. And it took me far too long to realise that was what he was doing.

Don’t get me wrong, he is still a nymphomaniac. We are still having sex on a frequent basis. And we are getting fractionally more elaborate with it. The sex has not declined in any way. But we are talking as well. Particularly afterwards… he always seems much calmer afterwards. He talks about his fears… his worries… which used to be very much about his demon side. But I think he has come a long way with accepting that side of himself… these days it’s pretty much always about the kids. Honestly, kids just consume your brain sometimes.

My point is, we are communicating really well and getting our feelings out in the open, it really helps us to process them. It isn’t even about giving each other solutions. Sometimes, just saying my worries out loud to him just makes me feel like a weight has been lifted. And sometimes just saying them out loud helps me to realise how bloody stupid some of them are. It is weird how something can seem like such a monumental problem in your head. Then you say it out loud to someone and you just think… hang on… what is wrong with me? Why was I even thinking that?

The fact that Kiyui and I are in a better place has made us gel better as a family. We have always been a bit of a disjointed bunch. Very different personalities. I think that my mum was very much what held us all together. She was this wonderfully strong and stabilising force in our lives. We had a very matriarchal system going on. I will forever be grateful to my mum for being that for us. It gave Kiyui and I time to get our heads and lives in the right place to parent these boys properly.

Obviously, without my mum here, somebody had to take over as the one in charge of the farm, and well, the family. That responsibility has fallen to Kiyui and I. We learned so much from her over the years and I am glad to say that I think she would be proud with how we have rebuilt and continued moving forwards. Not just the farm, but our lives in general.

My mum once said that this farm was not a hostel for wayward boys. I have to laugh about it now because we’ve taken in another one. I know that Henry is more part of Olly’s family unit over in the other house. But we are all one big family here and we all look out for each other. I know that I talk about how worrying Henry can be. But he has been here for two years now. I still love the kid and would do anything for him. And when I look back at what my mother put herself through to raise me… honestly… Henry has nothing on the nightmare that I used to be. If between us, we can equal half the parent that my mother was, then I have every confidence that Henry will grow up to be a fine young man.

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Neither Kiyui nor I do any adventuring anymore. My whole deal was speed, and with my foot like this I am far from speedy. Which makes me of absolutely no use in combat. And well, you know why Kiyui quit.

But you know what, I think that I would have quit anyway. For the farm, for the boys, and for my mother. I couldn’t let this farm fall into anybody else’s hands. My parents worked hard for this farm. They were so happy here. I have so many wonderful memories of this place. This is where I need to be. I want nothing more than to keep their dream alive.

Odd isn’t it… sometimes you spend so much of your life dreaming of heading in one direction… then… when all is said and done… your dream ends up being what you had in the first place. A home… and a family. I think it took me far too long to realise that.

These days I take great pleasure in just sitting and watching life on the farm. Seeing Svampe head off to town with a smile on his face. Seeing the boys play about when they are supposed to be doing their jobs. I say that… Alexi’s jobs are always done on time. It’s the other two that are buggers for getting distracted. The amount of water fights that we have had to break up over the summer. Tadwick lowered Henry down into the well the other day because they wanted to see if there were any fish down there.

To be fair to them, they caught a lamprey. Which is an ugly and disturbing looking eel type thing. I have no idea how they caught it… they didn’t have any hooks or bait… probably just sheer luck that it ended up swimming in the bucket. I had no idea what type of fish it was initially. I had to look it up. I didn’t even know that fish lived in underground rivers. But you learn something new every day.

Life just passing by can be a wonderous thing. The excitement on their faces when Tadwick pulled Henry out of the well. And the resulting chaos when Henry threw the fish at Tadwick. They were jumping up and down and dancing. Then Nomius came over and showed them how to gut and cook it. It was a whole event.

But it isn’t just the happy moments. It’s being there for them when things go wrong. Tadwick fell out of a tree and gashed his leg open. He fell off the stallion and ended up concussed because he was trying to stand up on the back of the horse. Having Svampe around is incredibly helpful in these situations.

Henry got a nasty splinter in his leg when climbing over an old fence. Doesn’t sound bad… but when you are little, even the tiniest thing feels like the end of the world. Alexi seems to have avoided injuring himself since moving here. He’s far too careful to be injured. If he does end up harmed then it is usually a result of one of the other two.

Being able to witness the full spectrum of experiences with them… it makes me feel so close to them. Because it is simple to stay with people when things are easy. But getting through the tough times together… that bonds you. When kids grow up, they won’t just remember the good times. They’ll remember when they hurt themselves and when they did dumb shit… and they will remember who was there with them… to pick up the pieces… and help them heal.

That is certainly what I think about when I think of my mum. I think about how she saved me… how she moulded me into the man that I am today. She helped me to be the best person that I could be. And I want to do that for these kids. They may not have openly stated it, but I know that Kiyui, Olly, Dolly, and Nomius all feel the same. I am confident that between us, we can give these boys the lives that they deserve.

That being said… my mother’s absence does leave us with one big problem. The absence of a female adult about the place. Now, Kiyui, Olly, and Dolly bring enough femininity to the table. So, I am not talking about the place being too manly and aggressive or anything. I mean for Alexi. He is thirteen now. It is just a matter of time before his periods start. I know that I said that puberty with him doesn’t worry me. And it doesn’t. That kid can handle anything. I just wish that there was a woman here who has been through all of that stuff to guide him properly.

I did consider asking Chloe to have a chat to him and prepare him. But she isn’t exactly delicate and I don’t want her unnerving him. Dietrich works at the gardens and I know Damecus sells a lot of period products there. But Dietrich has a really weird relationship with pain, so I’m not sure she would be the best person to ask either. Maybe Cathy or Farrow. They are both relatively normal and level headed people. I’m sure they would help without causing him too much confusion.